Things that don't appear on the 'joys of parenting' list:

Putting your hand round the toilet u-bend to retrieve your son’s favourite toy car, right after he’s done a number two.

Having to do a full field change (on Holmburry Hill as it happens) because your supposed toilet trained three year old has both wet and shat himself.

Both of which feature in the last 24 hours.

Going into the downstairs toilet and finding your youngest son has proudly done a Bobby Sands.

I have more of those kind of stories…

Getting wee’d on by 5 year old girl when she was ‘desperate’ in the woods… Lifted her up so she was in seated position facing me with arms around my neck and a jet of wee soaked my jeans.

6 year old boy joining me in a wee in a toilet cubicle and getting it all over my left trainer…

When he was about 3 wiping other sons bum who was sure he was finished and then with a massive convulsion sprayed liquid poo over my hand…

We had a dirty protest from our girl when she was about 12 months… The only baby poo that really made me feel ill. It was everywhere.

Going for a wee in the night then coming back to discover a 4 year old has snuck into your space and he shouts surprise when you pull back the covers. So proud !

Feeling lucky that I was woken up by eldest screaming the house down at 4am, only to tell me he wanted some juice. This gave me the opportunity to get up and work on that report that is due tomorrow so i can spend the rest of the day playing in the snow with my boys!

A time will come in our lives when revenge can be exacted. As our minds degenerate and our bodies fail us it will be their turn to clean our bottoms.

That even when they’ve left home and got children of their own you’ll still be expected to leave your warm lounge and take them home from the supermarket on a freezing cold Saturday evening cos they’ve spent all their money and can’t afford a cab home.

Good job I only had one pint in the pub with Mrs Z on the way home from town yesterday.

Does it ever end 🙁

Having to stop the car at the side of a rural road and jump in the back to scoop up sick chunks with your bare hands and an insufficient piece of tissue. Then having to put up with the smell till you get to a supermarket to buy some new clothes for the little darling because you were on your way to a niece’s party 2hrs away from where you live. Meanwhile little madam is naked in the back of the car apart from your jumper. You now have a choice at the party of being cold or wearing a jumper smelling vaguely of sick.

Going to pick your 4 yr old up from nursery where the teacher tells you they have had a quiz for the children. When asked what cuticles were, my little darling put his hand up and said ‘they are the things that hang down when daddy dries his leg on the bath’

Youngests first day out of hospital after being born, took him home and there was a powercut. Changing his first ever nappy at home by candlelight, lifted his ankles delicately with one hand, he did a mahooosive spray of green shit all over me, the wife, and the brand new settee.

When asked what cuticles were, my little darling put his hand up and said ‘they are the things that hang down when daddy dries his leg on the bath’

Oh that’s fabulous! Only a child could make sucha malapropism.

FOllowing an episode of Octonauts, my youngest was making references to Electric Peado Rays for quite a while.

How many times does one have to tell a little boy to point it down before weeing! Mine was always surprised that it sprayed everywhere. And of course there is the motorway service incident 😳 … After pointing said down for eldest to wee properly in a cubicle, he decided to say in a loud voice “Daddy, do you want me to hold your willy now?” . How I made it out of the toilet without being assaulted, I will never know. Golden times!

Having a one year old projectile vomit in the car. Despite facing backward, he got it to ricochet back forward and go in the gap between headrest and seat – and down my neck. A hundred metres past the motorway exit, and so I drove for the next 15 mind with the screaming, the smell and the dribble down my back…

Pre-parenthood kicks in the balls: 0
Post parenthood kicks in the balls: 3

“abandon bath, abandon bath a brown submarine has been spotted!”

“abandon bath, abandon bath a brown submarine has been spotted!”

Abandon public swimming pool, abandon public swimming pool! Yes really. 😳

Yes really.

Snap!

Fishing it out did not go down well with the young lifeguard who was ready for full on biohazard disposal. I mean, one small turd in 200,000 litres of water is an E-coli concentration of…

In the swimming pool changing room, just got a 2 year old and 4 year old into their swimmers. Come out of the cubicle and putting things in the locker when the 4 year old slaps some random bloke who had just got out of the pool on the arse as he walks past! What do you say apart from hold up your hands and say it wasnt me.

Having my son jump on my lap with sufficient force to put me in hospital with a busted bollock.

Abandon holiday resort pool 😳

Small child responsible, not me!

My eldest is 10, my youngest is 18 months – when the eldest asks his little sister for a kiss she often just leans forward to let him kiss her forehead or as he calls it “giving me head”… I don’t care for it.

I think the worst thing though is cleaning up little girls after a wet poo 🙁 it’s fairly grim having to get into all sorts to clean up. No one told me about that.

She’s gone right off me this week too, proper Mummy’s girl, it’s a nightmare when Mrs J is working, she just keeps calling for her Mum and being grumpy, she’s usually Daddy’s Girl though 😉

Had a dirty protest here as well, but there’s enough fecal misdemeanors here that i don’t need to recount.

So instead I’ll keep it clean with – we were out shopping for a Christmas present for Mum, and had selected a book. “Can i carry it in my bag?” said #1 daughter – “Yes” I reply – “but we have to pay the lady first”

“No daddy – that’s a man”

“No” (slightly flustered already) “it’s a lady. Some ladies have short hair”

“Well….. it’s a VERY ugly lady then”

Book was paid for and shop departed at record speed without making eye contact. I’m saving it for wedding speeches.

The 3am vomit comet. Copious chunky vomit over all bed clothes, 3yo and floor. Top bunk. Child into shower, bed stripped, back to child, cleaned dried and dressed in fresh PJs, put to bed in my bed. Then back to scraping chunks from duvet covers and such like before finally being able to go back to sleep. Then, do it all again 😥 😥

Who needs sleep anyway.

done a Bobby Sands.

Probably wrong on a whole number of levels but I laughed at that phrase.

Actually, the one I wasn’t warned about was the side effect of teething….

Woken up by MCJnr screaming. In proper pain and fear, he wasn’t that kind of kid.

The smell gave the game away. Took off his nappy, and under the mess his skin was actually blistering. Wife had to hold him down while I cleaned him up, while he begged me not to hurt him. Sadly he was an early talker.

By the time he was clean and smothered in Sudocreme, the blistering had gone down to a nasty looking rash. Wife rang the health visitor who just said “It happens sometimes when they are teething”.

I actually cried afterwards, seeing him in such distress and able to verbalise it.

I was the only person available to take my mum to hospital for an appointment I was also looking after crankbrat who was porley about to leave and running late he decides its time to puke o get him safely to the bathroom point him at the toilet and tell him ” make sure your sick in the toilet ” at which he turns round looks at me and says ” what did you say Daddy?” And promptly spews all over me.

my eldest when he was about 3 was grunting in his nappy. on removal of said nappy i could see the turtles head poking out but he was struggling to push it out. a gentle squeeze of his buttocks resulted in a large log shooting out and into my hands.
our daughter when she was about 6 months old projectile poo’d all over the bed and down my shirt while i was changing her nappy…it was the brown/yellow runny stuff and stunk.
last summer at the beach she was on my shoulders (she’d just turned 3), told me she needed a wee. i tried to get her to the toilets but just as i was getting off the beach i felt that warming sensation as the wee poured down my back. i had to then take a 15 minute walk back to the car to change my t-shirt, while her mum got her changed and cleaned. i had to leave my wet shorts and underwear on… 🙁
little one when he was about 9 months old decided to do the mother of all poo’s while we were out shopping. i was carrying him and the poo had leaked out of the nappy, through his trousers and onto the sleeve of my jacket. wife then tells me she’s left the changing bag at home! had to finda supermarket so we could buy nappies, wipes and spare clothes for the little one. my jacket went under the tap. little git now likes to stick his hands in the bog whenever he’s upstairs…it doesn’t matter to him whats already in there…its splashy time!! bathroom door stay shut all the time now.

we’ve also had all the various projectile vomiting issues from all 3 of them at various stages. worst is n the night when they vomit in bed. you change the bedding and then they do it again. then they come into your bed and do the same.
worst was when all 3 of them had the same vomiting/diarrhoea bug at the same time

projectile poo in parabolas up your wall. managed to matrix dive out of the way just in time.

that one’s not in the manual

Pre-parenthood, I never believed that it was possible for a baby to poo in their own hair.

“watch what you’re doing!”

…at almost every toilet visit. Followed by cleaning up the floor.

I’m on the verge of installing full on wetrooms, then he can just stand there and whizz in any direction he likes.

So far we’ve been quite low on the projectile count thankfully.

Think eldest was about 5, we went getting our hair cut. He sat in the chair got done, then I sat down, he’s fairly well behaved and place was empty so he was reading a book and doing some colouring but at one point he walked out of the shop, I jumped out of the chair and followed. Found him outside with his keks down, turtles head protuding, barber said there was a toilet he could use in the back so I picked him up, worried about him crimping it off onto me/the barbers floor I flipped him updside down to ‘contain things’. Walking through the barbers with his bum infront of me, shite emerging was not a high point of parenthood. Fortunately the circumstances seemed to breifly halt his intestinal transit and we made it to the toilet. I was sooo glad the shop was empty.

Everytime we go in there he recounts the tale to whoever is in the shop 🙄

Last night’s bath ended in panic as my wife walked back in to see the boy holding a nice little handful of food egg and promptly throw it toward her. The bath was full of the stuff and as it drained away the magnitude of my cleanup task became apparent. Not a nice well formed sub, but a veritable visual artpiece of smears lumps and chunks over the whole bath.

Having your mouth open at the wrong time when the projectile vomit came…

my lad is 9 and I still have to explain to him that he needs fully unsheathe the old chap when he is having a pee, he seems to think that as long as there is day light on it somewhere he’s okay to let rip . pee on his clothes and wall do not seem to faze him.

I’ve never been that traumatised by toileting mishaps.. I’ve changed 100’s maybe thousands of nappies and cleared up gallons of puke..
My two were potty trained pretty swiftly and painlessly too, although during this process my oldest had a habit of proudly comparing his poos to things from his limited palette of cultural references

‘Look dad, this one looks like Peppa Pig’ or more scarily ‘dad, dad!! I’ve just done a beanstalk, it’s growed out of the top of the potty!’

What I find more scary is the seemingly endless thirst for psychological battles..
My youngest uses the threat of poo and wee as a weapon for example..

But the thing I hate the most is the constant competition between them..
Who’s got the most peas on their dinner plate, how many socks they put on this morning, who went to sleep the quickest, who stayed awake the longest, who is the most annoying, who is the kindest, who’s sweets taste the nicest, who is the oldest, tallest, smallest, cleanest, best/worst behaved, hairiest, cleverest and on and on and on…….

it never stops
I wanna scream at them that they are both feckless, incompetent little dwarves who are gonna need to give each other as much help as possible if they want to survive, but that would probably be bad parenting

Who’s got the most peas on their dinner plate, how many socks they put on this morning, who went to sleep the quickest, who stayed awake the longest, who is the most annoying, who is the kindest, who’s sweets taste the nicest, who is the oldest, tallest, smallest, cleanest, best/worst behaved..

…..Cause you’re a Record Breakerrr!

Never mind poo in the swimming pool, my lad threw up. That was nice 😳

The 3am vomit comet. Copious chunky vomit over all bed clothes, 3yo and floor. Top bunk. Child into shower, bed stripped, back to child, cleaned dried and dressed in fresh PJs, put to bed in my bed. Then back to scraping chunks from duvet covers and such like before finally being able to go back to sleep. Then, do it all again

Been there, got the (soiled) t-shirt. Both kids have a knack of doing the bed vomiting thing when the missus is working nights. I don’t have a strong stomach for the smell and have lost my dinner too on occasion when cleaning up the chunks.

Took off his nappy, and under the mess his skin was actually blistering. Wife had to hold him down while I cleaned him up,

Our daughter had a dairy/soya/egg intollerance that took till about 3 months old to diagnose. In that time, most if not all nappies where like that. Poor thing, it was heart breaking 🙁

It also led to a spectacular shit fountain from the changing table across the cot and on to the oposite wall 😯

Taking curtains down at 1am after our daughter projectile poo’d all up them whilst getting a nappy change. She was about 2 months old and did this 3 or 4 times. No-one ever tells you about projectile poo before you have a baby. And then when you mention it to people already with children after the event, they say ‘oh yeah, didn’t anyone tell you about that?’

Our eldest used to treat us to, what became lovingly know as, “Anger Poo’s”. We’d put her in her cot for the night and, if she didn’t want to sleep, would scream loudly whilst filling her nappy with poo. She knew one of us would then have to get her out and clean her…lasted about 2 months