The secret to a long marriage/relationship is…

Has anyone else gone ‘Four sheds? You lucky…’…?

Joking aside MrsRNP and I celebrated 18years married on Friday. Even though she’s in France she unbeknown forward planned a ‘treasure’ hunt before she left with the clues in the card that she got a friend to post. Friend also tied the final ‘treasure’ in our tree.

The clues are only post-it notes hidden behind or in objet d’art or momentoes from our life together but I was still in tears at her thoughtfulness.

………I only remembered to buy a card today (she’s home tomorrow) from M&S because they are on the way out after the till🤨

b, never have breakfast together at home

Mrs Sandwich suffers from misophonia, separate breakfasts is the secret to my survival.

Time apart is as important as that spent together, but I’m only 41 years into this relationship!

Are you looking for longevity or happiness…or both?

The garage has our collection of bikes in

Sorry, you lost me at that point. That’s what the house is for Shirley

After coming on for 20yrs you’d think I’d know but i still don’t.

Therefore i surmise I’m a delight.

After 32 years together and 19 married I’d say

short answer. Winning doesn’t work!

long answer. Grow and accept that the other person will grow as well. Support each other in achieving dreams. Have a plan but don’t be rigid.

Have a plan but don’t be rigid.

I wish I’d known you could get tablets for that before the last one left me.

Earplugs.

Definitely earplugs.

short answer. Winning doesn’t work!

long answer. Grow and accept that the other person will grow as well. Support each other in achieving dreams

Definitely this.

Helps if you have a communication to start with to build on. See the menopause thread (I have also changed dramatically in the last 25 years, not always for the best)

Money seems to cause quite a lot of issues in relationships, or at least as I can see from my observations of friends and family.  Mrs SMR and I have a pretty good system which we when we’ve shared seems to have made genuine improvements to others’ relationships

1. Pay all income into a single joint a/c.
2. On pay day, transfer out an equal set amount of ‘fun money’ by S.O to each of your own current accounts (should be the same to each person, each month so no constant discussion/negotiation. We increase ours  a small amount every now and then dependant on pay rises etc.)
3. Set clear rules on what fun money does / does not cover. E.g. ours covers socialising, clothes, hobbies, trips away without each other, b/day presents for each other etc.
4. The remainder in the joint account (which should be a high proportion of the joint income, YMMV) is used for bills, mortgage, holidays, anything kids related, savings etc.
5. Any big, one off purchases (I’m thinking bikes…) are done by negotiation and planning. So for instance, I’ll say I think i *need* a XYZ new bike next year, set a budget, save towards it from my fun money, but with the agreement that a certain % will come from the joint savings. Mrs SMR does likewise. This happens infrequently.

Sounds a bit draconian, but actually these ‘rules’ evolved over a year or so without being written down, (in fact I think this is the first time I’ve committed it to paper), and now it’s just inherent in anything we do.

This to me is the fairest way to share money in a relationship. 15 years+ and genuinely, we have never fallen out about money. I don’t think we’ve even had a crossed word on the matter. Plenty of other things mind… 😉

Money and household/family tasks seem to be the key issues when friends and family have had issues.

Eldest is about to settle down with his other half next year, need to have another “chat” and dispense some fatherly advice.

You just need a little..

Peace
Love
and
Understanding

Has anyone else gone ‘Four sheds? You lucky…’…?

Years ago, Mrs FH was working with some kids that had additional support needs.
On the session she asked the class what they understood about ‘Safe Sex’
One lad replied ” Dae it ina shed”.
At the time ,we had 5 sheds 😆 🤣 😂

Don’t try to offer advice when the wife if moaning about something that annoys her.

If your wifes moans about something around the house more than once then she wants you fix it.

Being supportive of each others goals.

Remembering your wedding vows.

Balance…
– Time together vs time apart.
– Doing things they like vs doing things you like.
– Having traditional roles vs modern couple
– Discussing things vs being quiet on things that
you know will only annoy/upset them.

Plus a few little white lies along the way don’t do any harm.

Agree on having a shared bank account for bills that you both pay into. But it’s very important to have your own money.

But it’s very important to have your own money

It can be but it’s not essential.  We have never done that but we’ve also never had a problem with money as we are both very aligned on spending and don’t need to check each other for most things.  But the ‘rules’ that are posted above also seem like a great idea and would have worked for us too.

But it’s very important to have your own money

Absolutely, as long as that money is equal for both partners. Otherwise there will always be a level of resentment, no matter how small. I know friends who have long term relationships / marriages where quite selfishly, the higher earner has a proportionally greater percentage of income as ‘fun money’ than their OH, sometimes by a ratio of 5:1!   (It’s always the man BTW…) I just don’t get that.

According to my dad it was to not wear your hearing aids a lot of the time, helped that he had slightly curly hair so my mum couldn’t see if he had them in or not. She just thought he was being a bit quiet that day!

oh, and chickens are never allowed in the kitchen.  That’s just crazy

But it’s very important to have your own money

I don’t actually know if my wife or I have more ‘fun’ money, or who has the most savings.

I do know that we are always in the black and all bills get paid.

I’d hate to have to justify to my wife why I’d just spent ‘x’ amount on something that I wanted (and could afford). Same goes for her wanting something and having to justify it to me. It probably helps that we’re both pretty sensible with money.

Dunno if it’s a secret, but forceful conjunction of woodshed with the bottom garage certainly helps.

(Blimey, 35 years of bliss here, or so I’m reliably informed.)

… Clearly demarcated tea towels; some for the kitchen, and some for the bikes. Do NOT cross contaminate!

30 years this month. And down to only one bike in the dining room at the moment.

Same attitude to money here, didnthurt. We ask if it’s more than petty cash and sometimes discuss the consequences but it’s a formality because the answer will be something along the lines of “if you want it buy it”. The only thing I can remember using my veto on more than once was house buying “I don’t want spend a weekend in this place let alone the rest of my life”, “it’s got a huge crack in the wall and there’s a flood risk”.

I’ve noted among friends that when there are financial disagreements in couples it’s a diviorce judge that ends up sorting things out fairly and any notion of mine/yours, my account/your account becomes irrelevant.

The secret to a long marriage/relationship is…

Apathy!

I don’t think either of us could be arsed to split after 33 years of marriage! It seems like such a faff! 🙂

And down to only one bike in the dining room at the moment.

There’s presently two in ours. Mrs Binners gave up on this some years ago and just put this framed print up on the dining room wall

She’s a keeper 😃

For our relationship, we still hold true to the Fran Smith song we played at our wedding

So take these hands and this kiss,
And we’ll lie here like this
‘Til boredom – or hatred – takes hold.
‘Cos I sort of love you,
And you sort of love me too,
And between us, we’ve sort of struck gold.

Apathy

Was my wife’s response. Worryingly.

When I say “one”, I conveniently ignore the folder in the corner 😀 – and we have the same sign! And one of your prints too, of course.

When I think of wood shed this springs to mind.

Apathy

Indeed – good old CBA. If either of us suggested divorce I think the response would be derisory laughter, like we have any of the necessary energy/focus/time.

It does make me realise that people who do split up after years together must really, really want to.

Keeping her in a princess bubble of pink between tantrums, getting her hair and nails done, while she bowls about carefree in a Range Rover and acts like shopping is a job! Quick Starby’s to recover then back at it for a hectic spa day.

Sympathy or solutions.

When one or other starts moaning or complaining about something establish if it’s sympathy or solutions that is needed.
A “have you tried” doesn’t go down well if it’s an “oh dear, that’s rubbish” that’s needed.

Both sheds are mine.
The garage is his.
The wood pile is not in a shed, but piled up in some sort of badly balanced wooden construction, this could topple over any day.

Sympathy or solutions.

There was a good article in the NYT on this.

Ask this question if a loved one is upset.

When Heather Stella, a special-education teacher in upstate New York, has a student who is agitated or overwhelmed, she asks them one question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

This simple question, Jancee Dunn discovered, works just as well in adult relationships. It shows empathy, respects boundaries, calms swirling emotions and helps partners take positive action.

Finding out whether your loved one wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “How can I meet your needs?” said Jada Jackson, a licensed mental health counselor in Dallas.

Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

Reply would be “are you taking the pi55”

May work for whoever wrote it, but not for everyone

According to my fathers memorable speech at my parents 40th wedding anniversary celebration, the secret to a long marriage is… lack of opportunity. Which was ironic given his marriage nearly ended at that very moment!

Dont go for someone you love the most, choose the person who pisses you off the least…..

I was actually going for more amusing stories or other peoples amusing relationship anecdotes than being helped, heard or hugged.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Theres the time i changed my other half’s name on a package to something vaguely offensive and got it delivered to a neighbour?</p>
That sort of thing?

Money:
Both paid into our own accounts then an agreed amount moves into the joint account. Despite me earning more than Mrs Lunge, she’s always been adamant that this should be the same amount for both of us.
The joint account pays for food, bills and shopping. Nothing more.
What’s left in our own accounts is ours to do as we see fit.
Holidays and other large expenditure will be paid from our own accounts and we generally work to her budget and not mine.
She questions the odd spend of mine (what, more trainers?), I questions the odd one of hers (what more coats?), but ultimately, as long as the holidays is paid for and the money goes into the joint account it not mine or her concern.

Time:
Use a shared online diary so you know what each of you is doing.
Don’t resent the other for wanting time away from you, in fact encourage it.
But, don’t take the proverbial. Make sure you have spare time together most weekends.
And be spontaneous, not everything has to be planned and agreed.

Life:
Talk about goals and support the other in what they want to do.
If you’re unsure of something they want to do default to saying yes and looks for reasons for them to do it, not for reasons not to.
Play to your strengths and don’t sweat their weaknesses. I’m probably a bit tidier than Mrs Lunge, and I like cooking more. So I do most of the cooking, and generally keep the house tidy rather then complain that she doesn’t cook or clean. She vastly better at DiY than me, so I just get out of the way when it’s time to do that.
Accept that you won’t always agree, and when you do argue don’t go personal.
Don’t be a dick. We all know when we are being dicks, so don’t be, even though it can be quite hard to do.
And as someone above said, don’t take yourself or life too seriously. Have fun.