Teenage Stepdaughter help!

I’m going to go the other way and say; large packing crate and a cattle prod.

2 boys here, eldest is just beginning to turn, I’m going to start digging the pit at the weekend.

Now, does anyone have any hungry lions I could borrow please?

From my earlier post on first page, I have access to enough pigs to ensure that there’s no evidence (more effective than lions as there’s no bone/teeth left either). You’ll need a room lined with plastic and disposable Tyvek suits, goggles and a hatchet. . .

We did have a period where the junior Sandwiches were asked who the thing belonged to and who was responsible for it. Usually in response to “what has mum done with my. . .”

They are now well adjusted and rather pleasant adults to be around.

We went for all devices downstairs at bed time

TBH, that’s a good policy for the adults too. Want to look at a screen in bed, get a Kindle.

This is just whataboutery. We know that drink and tobacco is actively harmful. I’ve yet to hear of anyone dying after playing too much Angry Birds. Again, “prove it”.

To some extent but then that is also a bit of the job of parents.

I’ve no idea. It’s one of the very many reasons I didn’t reproduce

The thing though is having spent some of my youth on the spectrum and others on the BBC and or TRS80 this new stuff just isn’t comparable.
It’s like the grass or Moroccan of my youth vs the strongest skunk type difference.

On the other side of this we also did “other stuff” …
This was recently posted on a MTB kids (parents) group (its a PDF of the book)
https://timrgill.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/no-fear-19-12-07.pdf

You also need to appreciate that where you live amplifies this. I think you’d honestly find it hard to imagine the differences between the SE and Padiham… when we visit gran it’s like a different child.. sure he wants to just hang out with the kids but he’s 11 and he’s out dswan till dusk doing kid stuff… but he actually does other stuff than sitting on his PC all day or spending every second he isn’t trying to and yes he takes his phone when he’s out with the kids but at least its real F2F…

You do know that “the internet” is actually real people, right? It’s not an AI simulation, I’m not a chatbot (arguebot, maybe). Christ, we were whining about social media only half a page ago, that’s literally people talking to each other. Is this what it’s come to?

Sort of … but its not really the same when it swings too far and creates social anxiety of meeting “real” people but equally worrying about what happens online more than real life.

I’ve mentioned before and Weeksy has picked up on it about his Instagram … he’s more anxious about a slight case on a jump most adults wouldn’t do appearing on his Instagram than anyone seeing it in real life so he’s paranoid about anyone filming (not just me but friends) in case he crashes or just doesn’t do a clean jump or something and they post it.

To me (as a parent) that feels like some kid worried about their make-up on TikTok or something…

(could be Wifi goes off at a set time)

I’m not entirely sure what that’s supposed to achieve, considering how much time kids spend on their phones well away from any wifi, especially when you consider how cheap PAYG and monthly contracts are with huge amounts of data, £20 will get you 150Gb/month on some – that snickering sound I hear is yer average teen being worried about the Wi-fi being turned off!

Have you heard of the barrel theory of childcare?

You put your newborn in a barrel and feed them thru the bunghole. At puberty you hammer the bung in
.
.
..
Can you tell I don’t have children?

On the other side of this we also did “other stuff” …

its not really the same when it swings too far

Sure, and I said as much myself earlier. What I’m railing against is that I don’t (as a perhaps ignorant non-parent) agree that this stuff is inherently bad. Arguing that “she spends all day talking to her mates on the Internet” neatly bleeps over the fact that she’s still talking to people. Ragging on social media, we’d do well to remember what “social” means.

That’s not to say that it can’t be bad. If it’s all someone does dawn till dusk then that’s a problem, but the same could be said of many things. A good friend of mine’s middle child is a bookworm to a point where he’s had to restrict “book time” as she was becoming (more) withdrawn and insular. Are books bad? Of course not, but too much of anything has the potential to be.

I’m not sure what the answer is here, but I’m unconvinced that a knee-jerk overreaction is it. As Edukator absolutely nailed, “that snickering sound I hear is yer average teen being worried about the Wi-fi being turned off!”

To our generation this is New, to our kids’ generation it’s the way the world has always been. Their kids will be fine, except they won’t because those parents will have found something else New to worry about.

Mine is 14 today :-!
We are seeing fairly strong signs of whats to come and I suspect we’ll have a challenging few years ahead. At the moment she just seem to hate big brother (1 year older) with a passion and I think that if here were to die a horrible death she would be genuinely pleased….this is not the little girl I’ve raised and it’s very confusing/scary.

as for interwebs….on it all the time but we’ve always had a no devices in rooms at night rule and I’ve no intention of changing that.

its not really the same when it swings too far and creates social anxiety of meeting “real” people

I had that long before “the Internet” was a thing.

Hell, I had that long after “the Internet” was a thing.

feed them thru the bunghole.

Is that anatomically possible, even?

This thread is interesting and timely for me.
I have two step children and two biological daughters.
Step daughter is 12 and turning into a bit of a wild child (we just found out she had tried smoking while reprimanding her for fighting at school!). She is not academic at all and as such is grouped in at school with a lot of kids that have behavioural problems. I think as its what she sees and experiences everyday then it has become her norm.
Anyway, onto the Step parent side. I have lived with Mum since step daughter was 3. In the early years its impossible to take a step back and let Mum deal everything as mentioned on pg1. Mum has always been happy with me taking an active parenting role, but it has caused a lot of issues between mum and myself as we have very different views on what parenting entails.
Now that step daughter is getting older, I have started seeing more resentment towards me when getting involved. The classic “your not my Dad, you cant tell me what to do”. I have taken the line of, “while you are living in my house i have every right to tell you what you can and cannot do” and its worked up to now. I am beginning to realise that i now need to start stepping back and letting Mum deal with her otherwise we will have no relationship going forward.

but it has caused a lot of issues between mum and myself as we have very different views on what parenting entails.

This is, i reckon, as big an issue as dealing with teenaged rebellion. As parents you’ve got to present a united front, even if you don’t see eye to eye about how the other parents deals with something. You can talk strategy or iron out differences in opinion after kids have gone to bed, but at the time, you’ve got to back each other up.100%, and no one parent will be completely right about what “parenting” is or isn’t

All sounds very familiar. And probably normal. When I arrived on the scene my GF’s kids were 13, 15, 16 and 18.

The 13yo was (is) a girl and all the others were boys, the eldest of whom had already moved out when I moved in.

If I had 1p for all the times the stepdaughter had thrown stuff, screamed, shouted, slammed doors, kicked over chairs, vandalised stuff, moved-out, moved back in, changed schools, and been generally obnoxious… I’d be rich man. When she wasn’t having tantrums (tantra?), as far as I could see she spent most of her time online and worrying about what all her friends would think of her.

Much of her behaviour probably stemmed from a) being the youngest sibling, and b) only having three older brothers so she was constantly vying for attention from a long age. But it turns out she did self-harm some time before I arrived on the scene: one of the sons is mildly autistic which – sometimes – caused a great deal of angst in the house and she couldn’t cope. She has dozens of scars on the tops of her thighs which she now bitterly regrets, and was very self-conscious when wearing shorts.

However, move on 10+ years and she’s now very happy and stable. Works in Care, loves her job, and bought her own little flat by the time she was 19.

It’ll all level-off in time.

The classic “your not my Dad,

You certainly need to start work on her grammar.

Ah well, I’d best go and fetch mine before the weekly cubs showdown commences.

I am beginning to realise that i now need to start stepping back and letting Mum deal with her otherwise we will have no relationship going forward.

As Nick said, (I am not a parent but) I think this is a mistake. You need to be providing a united front, even if behind closed doors you disagree with each other. Disagree in front of her and she’s got you. The last thing you need is to be played off against each other.

“Mum, can I go to this party? Stepdad said it was OK but to check with you.” Well… if he said it was OK then I suppose…
“Stepdad, can I go to this party? Mum said it was OK but to check with you.” Well… if she said it was OK then I suppose…

As Nick said, (I am not a parent but) I think this is a mistake

I think you misunderstood. I mean no relationship with step daughter going forward, not mum.

Pah amateurs, granddaughter 15yr old, cut of mobile data on phone kill WiFi.That’l teach her.
comes down stairs laughing (Logged onto neighbors WiFi. Turns out the kids next door all know each others WiFi.

“while you are living in my house i have every right to tell you what you can and cannot do” and its worked up to now.

Gotta say, This is a shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone a child/teenager

Gotta say, This is a shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone a child/teenager

Really, how so? I think it’s perfectly acceptable. My house my rules, right.

Really, how so?

Because think about the message that sends to some-one who has no autonomy over where they live. It maybe your name on the deeds but you’ve (the two adults she relies on) made it her home. Essentially you’ve told her that all you require is her obedience because; “something something, property rights?”…that’s not a relationship, it’s the stuff of petty dictators. And here you are wondering why she has a shitty attitude.

Because think about the message that sends to some-one who has no autonomy over where they live. It maybe your name on the deeds but you’ve (the two adults she relies on) made it her home. Essentially you’ve told her that all you require is her obedience because; “something something, property rights?”…that’s not a relationship, it’s the stuff of petty dictators. And here you are wondering why she has a shitty attitude

Nah. Not buying that. It’s teaching her to respect others and the rules they lay down. It’s something she will come across throughout her life, at school, in work, in house shares, or student digs for example not to mention the rules/laws all of society has in place.
No one is saying it’s not her home, just that there are ground rules such as, being home on time. Cleaning up your own mess, cleaning your own room etc. Pretty standard stuff I think.

I’m always interested in what the follow-up is for ‘while you are living in my house i have every right to tell you what you can and cannot do’. I know you say it’s worked fine so far, but what’s the sanction for non-compliance?

It seems to me that, in a few years time, it has the potential to box you into a corner if she suddenly doesn’t feel like backing down.

I think you misunderstood. I mean no relationship with step daughter going forward, not mum.

Ah, I wasn’t replying to the ‘future relationship’ bit of your post, rather the ‘step back’ bit.

I know you say it’s worked fine so far, but what’s the sanction for non-compliance

The usual, loosing the phone for a period of time, grounded etc.

Ah, I wasn’t replying to the ‘future relationship’ bit of your post, rather the ‘step back’ bit.

Got it. When I say step back, I mean let mum take the lead, I always back her up but up till recently I was always the one taking the lead.

Did she buy the phone with her own money? Give her a choice either stop the strop or the phone goes. Put the onus on her to make the decision. Don’t get mad or shout and defiantly don’t get into an argument. Use a reward system rather than a punishment to change her ways.

You are basically tell her you’ll live by our rules or you’ll not have internet access but in a nicer way. Has to be implemented by both of you though. Don’t fall for any of the huffing or other crap they come out with. Kids are adept at getting want they want.

Got it. When I say step back, I mean let mum take the lead, I always back her up but up till recently I was always the one taking the lead.

And by turns,

Got it also. Text communication can be tricky. 👍

Nah. Not buying that. It’s teaching her to respect others and the rules they lay down

You’re not teaching her respect, you’re teaching her that what matters is power and control. Respect is a two way thing. There’s nothing wrong with boundary setting, come home on a school night at a reasonable time, is perfectly reasonable, Personally I didn’t make my kids keep their rooms tidy, if they wanted to live in a pig sty, their choice. The only “rule” was; if I have to eat my cereal off the counter-top – their allowance was cut. and; get a cleaner, life’s too short to be pushing a hoover around.

You’re not teaching her respect, you’re teaching her that what matters is power and control. Respect is a two way thing

OK, wrong choice of words. Im not teaching her respect, im teaching her that there are always rules that need to be followed in all areas of life.

 im teaching her that there are always rules that need to be followed in all areas of life.

Be honest with yourself, do you really think any teenager needs teaching that there are rules? We all try to do what we’re told, but we will all fail occasionally, because; we’re humans. Ragging on a kid for failing at being an adult when they have no experience, no real freedom, and no frame of reference, and literally every hormone in their being is egging them on to push against their boundaries is, IMO especially cruel.

Sure; when kids are eight, they need to know not to stick their sticky snotty little fingers in light sockets, that’s a rule, and generally the younger they are the more basic the rules are. When they’re 14-15 or so, they need to have some freedom, they’re starting to try to be “adult”, so if they want to have a floor-drobe, why do you care? If they want to spend some time in the morning putting make-up on instead of sitting down to breakfast like some weird advert, then don’t die on that hill, let them eat a cereal bar at 10am like any normal human.

I viewed my role as a parent to try to produce adults with some critical thinking skills and a bit of self reliance, and I told my kids that as well. Blanket stuff like “Do what I say because I pay the bills” soon, and rightly so, gets challenged, and that’s a good thing, not a bad thing,