Teenage Stepdaughter help!

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

Nah. I think it’s quite easy to get hung up on the damaging aspects of social media and gloss over the many advantages. As the father of 2 teenage daughters I wouldn’t have fancied the last 12 months of lockdowns without it. Can you imagine being deprived of your mates company and social life at that age? They’ve had a tough year and from what I see, most have coped unbelievably well and taken it in their stride.

I have my daughters added on Instagram (they don’t do Facebook – thats for us old giffers) and what I see is the opposite of bullying. They’re so incredibly supportive of each other within their ‘friendship groups’ that it’s frankly nauseating. I know it’s not always the case, but overall.

Let’s not forget that it wasn’t that long ago that kids were all going to end up as serial killers due to playing GTA.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

I live in hope that this is the case – because I believe it is definitely true in part.

I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue.

OK, well good luck with that. I hope it works out but I’ll not hold my breath

(A friend of mine has two teenage stepdaughters who leave clothes, cups, plates, bags, ….everything all over the house. He used to tell them off for not tidying up and this would create an element of grief.
One day he worked out how long it took him to tidy up after them and decided it just wasn’t worth the hassle to try and get them to do it – so he told them it was [honestly] fine to leave their mess around the house and he’d clear up after them.
From that point on they’ve become much better at tidying up after themselves!!! Teenagers!

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On a side note, what’s the point in switching the wifi off when they’ve got 3/4/5g – or do some people not allow that either?!!

That’s not what the latest studies say:

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-56970368

That was one study and at the bottom of the article it points to others with different findings. From what I have read from a brief review of the literature, I would say that is a bit of an outlier but of course the jury is still out. One thing that is clear is that social media is very, very addictive and that can only open people up to exploitation in one form or another.

and how lucky I have been with my 2 x daughters (although with 1 at 17, there is time for it to go all Peter Tongue yet ) 🙁

🙂 at Peter Tongue. Sounds more like that boyfriend you try to warn off.

On a side note, what’s the point in switching the wifi off when they’ve got 3/4/5g – or do some people not allow that either?!!

If you have a locked-down and relatively modest data contract, then a few nights’ heavy snapchatting and youtubing will eat up the month’s allowance. So it’s always quiet until about five days after the new month starts, then the whining starts…

When you say “teenager” do you mean 13 or 19?

I think it’s cute that you all think that your efforts to control their access to stuff is effective. Such naivity, it’s sweet really.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

My gut feeling is that it’s this generation’s Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children’s brains; in my mum’s day it was rock ‘n’ roll leading kids astray; it’s not all that much earlier that we were burning books. In ten years it’ll be “those bloody holo-projectors, kids do nowt else these days, when I were a lad it was different…” No, it wasn’t. Teenagers have wanted to be rebellious since they were in black and white.

My gut feeling is that it’s this generation’s Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children’s brains…

Yes, you may be right. Although, I do find it uplifting to see a group of teenagers, smoking in the park, listening to loud-shit music, with a pile of cans next to them. Makes me nostalgic for the good old days of teenage rebellion.

My hypothesis is that social media follows Newton’s third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you feel the collectively worse it make others feel.

If you have a locked-down and relatively modest data contract

Schoolboy error. Literally.

https://smarty.co.uk/sim-only

Reckon your average ‘teenager’ could muster £10 a month?

I do find it uplifting to see a group of teenagers, smoking in the park, listening to loud-shit music, with a pile of cans next to them. Makes me nostalgic for the good old days of teenage rebellion.

My eldest forgot that I’ve got her added on Instagram. When she was 16 she was telling me she didn’t drink, so I showed her the pictures she’d posted up the weekend before, in the park with her mates, can of Strongbow in hand. We all did it, and it will always be thus. As it should be.

My hypothesis is that social media follows Newton’s third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you fell the collectively worse it make others feel.

Sorry fella, but thats just nonsense.

I haven’t read through the whole thread but I suspect my advice is that people in the same situation have said what I’m about to say.
I was in pretty much exactly the same situation. My step-daughter was rude and horrible to her mother, she tended to just ignore me. When she lived with her Mum in a rental I let it slide as I wasn’t going to tell her what to do in a house that wasn’t my home, once we bought a house and were living together I felt I could talk to her properly. She had a total strop when her mother refused to drive her 100 yards to school when it was raining as she was busy, slamming of doors and “You’re such a bitch comments”. I made it very plain firmly but calmly that she really shouldn’t treat her Mum like that, we’d cut her a lot of slack and it was not her Mum’s fault that she was in this situation. She replied with a “Yeah Whatever” reaction, but it was a turning point in our relationship. It helped that we had an outbuilding that had a small sitting room, bedroom and bathroom, which we now Air BnB.
My step-daughter is now 27, has spent a lot of time with us due to lockdown, and while she still has a few issues, mostly due to her father poisoning her relationship with men, is a real help and generally a good person to have around. I hope you get a similar result, In think the key is to be consistent, have lots of patience and tolerance, negotiate trade-offs between what she’s allowed to do and her behaviour, and not to let this put a wedge between you and her mother.
Good Luck!

Sorry, but thats just nonsense.

I’m yet to see a post that (entirely) refutes it.

Still ‘controlling’ my 13 yrs old daughter’s access to internet after 9 PM while I can.  At least that is what I believe 🤔. They are all different, mine won’t go to bed without company.

Good luck, be patient and do your best to keep calm. That what OH keeps telling me.

You could try the ‘I will get you a kitten if….” bribe but don’t fall for it as they renege on the deal after a couple of months. At least you have something that will pay you some interest though.

Hope it gets easier.

My hypothesis on social media is that it follows Newton’s third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you fell the collectively worse it make others feel.

There may well be truth in this, but I know grown-ass adults who are the same and who wouldn’t know social media if it bit them on the face(book). Is this not an opportunity for a learning exercise? Kids are shits to each other by default, it’d be useful to be able to teach them that it’s not the only way to behave before they end up in middle management.

An ex of mine had a group of friends whom I nicknamed The Coven. There was, I dunno, half a dozen maybe? At any given time one of them would be ostracized for some faux pas such as disagreeing with whoever thought they were nominally in charge that day or failing to attend some social gathering or something. The others would all get together and spend the evening ranting about what a bitch the first one was. Then next month all would be forgiven, the first would be back in the group and someone else snubbed, and they’d take great delight in telling the returnee all the nasty things the other one had said about her. They eventually pulled the same stunt with my then-partner and she basically went “good” and sacked the lot of them off for good. Bear in mind, these weren’t teenagers, they were all women in like their 30s.

I’m yet to see a post that (entirely) refutes it.

By that argument: I’m yet to see a post that (entirely) proves it.

Reckon your average ‘teenager’ could muster £10 a month?

Probably. My 14-year-olds didn’t have the means to make online purchases though. Guess there’s nothing stopping them walking into a shop and buying a PAYG with cash.

Anyhow, if they weren’t moaning about the lack of wifi/data, I’d twig that something was up. In fact, any lack of moaning is a red flag!

Two teenage daughters. Well, ones just 20 now. Gave up trying to control phone usage, unless as removal as a last resort. Got to start that level of control very early, like 8.
If you let bad behaviour ride, that’s where nightmare kids come from. Your job is to say no, to fags, drink, drugs etc. and insist on homework being done and reasonable level of civility maintained. You’re not their mate, you’re often the only person offering an alternative to the you can have and do whatever you want culture hyper-capitalism has created.
We don’t understand phone culture in the same way our parents didn’t understand video games and their parent didn’t understand tv.
I imagine there’s a very different dynamic with step parents – good luck and don’t give up on them!

in my limited experience of having a 15 year old step daughter, it all sounds par for the course. i often think if she could only use her powers of emotional manipulation for good rather than evil, she’ll go far!

as others have said, not necessarily your place to intervene. i’m fortunate in that on the whole we have a good relationship with each other and mainly take the piss out of each other in a good natured way, meaning she will often respond better to me asking her to do something rather than her mum (which is instantly seen as “getting at her all the time”). the only time i do intervene is when it’s going thermo nuclear and the house rule of treating each other with respect have been crossed far beyond teenage tantrum. thankfully that happens rarely, but seems to work probably due to it’s infrequency.

i can’t imagine the pressures teenage girls have on them these days through social media and the requirement for perfect “image” all the time. not sure i could of dealt with that as a teenager, so i try and not let myself get wound up about it (often doesn’t work mind!)

oh, don’t try the turning off internet thing – it doesn’t end well for anyone

Probably. My 14-year-olds didn’t have the means to make online purchases though.

The Smarty SIM is pre-pay, you top it up in shops.

Sounds normal teenager behaviour, as others have noted. The quality of the relationship is not measured by what they don’t do (neither of ours were particularly helpful, and five years and uni later, the eldest still isn’t). The quality is measured in what they DO confide in you when teenage life takes the often downward slope (especially over the past year). Internet access is small beer in this. We had charging phones downstairs, but now they are adults. They get treated as such. Do that and let her go downstairs to view if she wakes up. She won’t. The growing takes care of that 😉

Cougar

My gut feeling is that it’s this generation’s Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children’s brains; in my mum’s day it was rock ‘n’ roll leading kids astray; it’s not all that much earlier that we were burning books. In ten years it’ll be “those bloody holo-projectors, kids do nowt else these days, when I were a lad it was different…” No, it wasn’t. Teenagers have wanted to be rebellious since they were in black and white.

You MIGHT be correct but if not then what?

T’internet is all that stuff rolled into one (and the next stage) packaged in the most addictive way teams of psychologists can find, especially around kids games.

In some way’s (as a mental exercise) just think what would be the effect of lowering the age for drink/tobacco to 11 or in another think of the chinese blockade when they didn’t want us to sell our opium and instead putting alcohol/tobacco/opium and “daily login vouchers” at the checkouts of supermarkets?

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) . The effect of depravation of “internet” .. lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet (and meeting real people).

I see and work in houses with teenagers and mostly theyre clever intelligent and polite and sometimes freindly and chatty and most have techno skills i can only dream of.

But life is harder for them, than we had, they like socialising by phone or internet, love youtube and gaming, when we where kids we had 2 tv channels and a phone in the hall, and possibly a bike for transport.

From an early age they where programed to go to school and then work or uni/college,and a lot of that has been taken away from them also meeting freinds and groups, so what to do, listen to them chat to them ask them qustions about stuff you dont understand, discuss your work and work oportunities with them, but the most important thing is to listen and explain how you feel.

Then all of a sudden they will discover sex, and either get a girl pregnant, or become gay,and form relationships,and things return back to a near less stressful normal.

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) .

When mine were younger (about 9/10 something like that)  the rule my partner and I set was: You can have access to the whole internet, but there will devices downstairs in the living room only, and at any point if I or partner asks, they MUST hand over phone straight away, no clearing cookies, or clicking anything, just hand it over. When we realised they could be trusted with more, they got more leniency, more privacy and more autonomy, any rules broken, back to the start again…They soon learned. Plus; lying to your parents is a life-skill every teenager should know…

 lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet

Teenagers don’t want to do anything anyway, and doing anything with your parents is by default; lame. T’was ever so, even before the invention of the T’internet. There’s a letter to the Times from a chap in “17something or other” declaiming the fact that everyone in his house is reading periodicals and the new invention of novels, and that his daughters don’t play at their music, or study the bible for lack of time due to reading…He complains that even his servants can be found “slothly spending hours at leisure, idly reading…”

I was told by my wife early on in our relationship that disciplining my step daughter was not my responsibility, having been through the mill with my oldest son I was glad of the get out clause. She’s 20 next month and mostly helps around the house now but only when asked nicely.

It depends on the age of the teenager. Our 17 year old just gets unfettered access to the internet. Even has the password to the router as he’s all techy and hosted a website on his PC. He’s pretty easy going and does chores around the house with only a medium amount of moaning. As I see it he’s basically an adult so no point in me telling him what he can and can’t do.

The 12 (nearly 13) year old can only use phone laptop etc downstairs. He did sneak his phone up to his bedroom the other night. Which resulted in a confiscation of the phone for 24 hours. Was funny watching him quickly try and clear recently used apps, oh so subtle 🤣

Edit: Meant to say in my experience of us having 3 x boys and others in the family having girls, boys do seem to be easier to manage than girls. Boys I’ve found pretty simple and just want food, and unfettered access to the internet. Girls seem to be a lot more emotional, on the face of thins at lease. I’m saying this as a bloke and appreciate everyone has different experiences.

Let’s not forget that it wasn’t that long ago that kids were all going to end up as serial killers due to playing GTA.

It was pinball in the 1960’s.

Arcade games in the 1980’s.

You MIGHT be correct but if not then what?

I’ve no idea. It’s one of the very many reasons I didn’t reproduce, I don’t want the responsibility. People like to find simple answers to complex problems (cf. religion) and it’s generally Not That Simple.

I don’t know your kids from a cheese sandwich and they’ll be different, mature at different rates.
But solely for the sake of arguing on the Internet I’d perhaps say “prove it”. I don’t think it’s helpful to go “what if…” and then start making shit up. I was “on that damn computer all day” to hear my grandparents talk; guess what, I subsequently made a 30-year career out of it. I’d guess that any addictive behaviour could be problematic when it becomes to the exclusion of all else, whether that’s t’internet or video games or drugs or playing football. (I wrote about this elsewhere, I’ll dig it up for a follow-up post.)

In some way’s (as a mental exercise) just think what would be the effect of lowering the age for drink/tobacco to 11 or in another think of the chinese blockade when they didn’t want us to sell our opium and instead putting alcohol/tobacco/opium and “daily login vouchers” at the checkouts of supermarkets?

This is just whataboutery. We know that drink and tobacco is actively harmful. I’ve yet to hear of anyone dying after playing too much Angry Birds. Again, “prove it”.

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) . The effect of depravation of “internet” ..

If you didn’t deprive them then they wouldn’t have anything to lie about.

lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet (and meeting real people).

You do know that “the internet” is actually real people, right? It’s not an AI simulation, I’m not a chatbot (arguebot, maybe). Christ, we were whining about social media only half a page ago, that’s literally people talking to each other. Is this what it’s come to? There’s only two things your kids aren’t allowed to do: 1) talk to their friends and 2) not talk to their friends?

The medium isn’t the problem here. If I had a teenage daughter I think I’d much rather she was seeing willies on Snapchat than in the girls’ toilets.

Oh, and,

This chat forum? Social media. You’re welcome, hypocrites. (-:

The medium isn’t the problem here. If I had a teenage daughter I think I’d much rather she was seeing willies on Snapchat than in the girls’ toilets.

I think that would very much depend on whose willy was in each setting.

Teenage daughters are bell ends, by any reasonable yard stick, at some point. Currently my youngest (16) hates me , I would really rather she went and joined a circus, preferably one with under fed lions, but her sister was broadly similar at that age and is now 19 and a really rather super human being.

It’s a phase thing and we all get to feel we’re rubbish dads. Because paternal guilt is just another trick in the arsenal of the evil teenager.

Now, does anyone have any hungry lions I could borrow please?

Its weird isn’t it? The whole three stage thing

1. Lovely person
2. The devil incarnate
3. Back to being nice again

The transfer between stages 1 and 2 is like watching Gremlins. Thankfully the interface between stages 2 to 3 seems to happen just as rapidly. My eldest is great nowadays but there were times when she could easily have ended up under the patio

This is what I wrote last time.

singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/digital-addiction/page/2/#post-8064699

This is what I wrote last time.

singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/digital-addiction/page/2/#post-8064699

Nice post and resonates with my own experience of early computers and Lego.

Genuine question. Do you know how teenagers, particularly girls, engage with social media? From what my daughters have shown me, I am struggling to find any positives (besides from using WhatsApp to arrange things). Seems to be an awful lot of selfies and self obsession generally. Am I missing something?

Edit: God – I sound like and old fart!

Yep, just normal teenage stuff. I would seriously doubt that it has anything to do with her being a step-child (I speak as a step-child. I had horrendous rows with my dad, but that never crossed my mind).

Our 14 yr doesn’t have her phone in her room after 9.30pm. 17 yr old son has never been allowed PC in his bedroom – he has to play games in the ‘home office’. 11 yr old daughter has only just got a phone and all internet access goes off at 8.30. We sat down with them and discussed what they thought was reasonable – did they need 2, 3, 4 hours of access etc. They were genuinely surprised how many hours a week they used. Phones will tell you how many hours for different kinds of app etc. Each can be time limited. I know some will think it sounds Victorian, but tell me what good comes from it, as against the potential harm?
It’s a constant low level battle and I recognise that all kids are different (I’m a teacher), but all kids need boundaries to push – so the bar may as well be set fairly high. OP – different if she’s not your daughter I guess and mainly up to Mum. Worth having some conversations about why she thinks she may turn to self harm? I agree with you, she being manipulative, but then teenage years are when those skills are honed.

Child-line was called for me abusing her (turning off wifi!)

You’d like to think they grow out of this but they had adults dialing 999 when KFC ran out of chicken a couple of years back.

Nice post and resonates with my own experience of early computers and Lego.

Genuine question. Do you know how teenagers, particularly girls, engage with social media?

Thank you.

Girls, no idea. There’s a 20-something lass in this house and her Internet usage mostly seems to be Amazon and Just Eat. When I had late-teens apprentices in work the vast majority of Internet activity I observed was YouTube. Music videos, “influencers” (gag me with a spoon), how-to videos. If you want to level any criticism at the Gen-Zs with regards to technology I’d suggest they’ve developed a disinterest in Reading Things. Ie, they are the “don’t tell me, show me” generation.

I’ve had two batches of apprenti and none of them appeared to give the slightest crap about social media beyond reposting ‘hilarious’ memes. Maybe it’s more of a early- to mid-teens concern?

tell me what good comes from it, as against the potential harm?

Once again, two can play at the “assumed baseline” game: Tell me what harm comes from it, as against the potential good?

Because if you can’t then we’re into the realms of fear of the unknown and making things up again. Why don’t we try and find out, hey?

Man asks strangers on the internet if stepdaughter is over exaggerating dependency on the internet.

I acquired a step son when he was 16 (now 27) and have a daughter, 14 very soon, who lives with her mum.

Just watch Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke doing Kevin and Perry. It’s a universal thing.

A trick i use is to state the effect things have on me, rather than whats best for them. Its a lot harder for them to argue against. If they want something they have to totally own it rather than expect others to sort if for them. Thats the main rule.

Being “always connected”, including through the night, is something to avoid. If you’re responsible for kids, you should try and help them to do so. How you do that, only you know, as you know them.

We went for all devices downstairs at bed time. That’s our one rule. We’ve never given them a strict bedtime, or stopped them sleeping in at weekends, just emphasised the importance of sleep, especially for teenage brains, and left them to set their own sleep schedule. But with no devices in the bedroom once it’s sleep time.

Sounds like you’re getting it easy tbh. We brought up 3 daughters now all mid to late 20’s. 14-18ish was like Armageddon!!

I found backing off and letting them make the mistakes you knew they would was the only way.

I now have 3 very loving daughters that can talk to me about anything.

it becomes an issue when shes challenged or asked to do things round the house. She then claims we’re getting at her and she doesn’t want to come home

Sounds like a teenager being a teenager

result is a back-down from mum

Sounds like a spoiled brat getting her own way.

That is learned behavior though, kick up enough fuss and get what you want only works if you get results.

Very difficult for you though if her mum just backs down, daughter will just keep doing what she wants.