Talk to me about.. a new life

The housework and diy never gets done in our house. Looking after the kids all day and night on her own, Mrs Grips hasn’t the energy or inclination to clean when a few moments present themselves. So if we don’t try at weekends, nothing gets done at all.

Then maybe she could benefit from getting herself a new routine? So then this would in turn benefit you as a family, so there is more free time at weekends.
There are plenty of women who single-handely raise kids, work and do housework, diy etc.
If your wife is struggling just to do some of this during the day then maybe she is not organising her time that well either.

Whilst young children are demanding, they are not a reason to put your own life on hold.

At the risk of sounding rude, you spend a lot of time tossing it off on STW,

Only when I’m at work or languishing in a hotel room doing admin or other work stuff.

You won’t find many posts from me at weekends or evenings when I’m wfh.

Then maybe she could benefit from getting herself a new routine?

Again, fairly obvious! She is really strugging with health, possibly because she doesn’t get enough sleep.

Whilst young children are demanding, they are not a reason to put your own life on hold.

Eh..? It’s not like we’ve made some sort of conscious decision to live in a crappy house and struggle with things, for the benefit of the kids. Putting our lives on hold is exactly what we’re trying to avoid, hence the thread!

So what is it you are looking to change?
Is it your work/free time balance
Your wifes child/child free time balance
Where you live
The job you do
Your hobbies
Your ambitions

I think if you segment it into smaller parts then you may be able to focus on one thing at a time and solutions might be a bit clearer, because at the moment you sound quite confused, like you want things to change, but you are not sure what those things are and how to go about changing them.

Have a read of Four Hour Working Week[/url] . The guy is a bit of a jerk, but he does have some good ideas about living life to the full and having ‘mini retirements’ throughout your working life.

The thread was actually about alternative lifestyles, that don’t require a large injection of money or the liquidation of an asset.

So far people seem to be either a) struggling along in the same boat, b) don’t have kids or c) are happy with the normal situation.

The people living “alternative lifestyles” d) don’t post on here all the time.

Well you’ve been given a lot of very good advice, particularly by philconsequence, but somehow I get the impression that you’re not really engaging with the bits you don’t want to hear.

Are you looking for a new life or a new you? Move to Kathmandu and you’ll still be the same person.

So you’ve got a reasonable job, don’t have a lavish lifestyle and have a relatively modest house. If all of those things really are true then why don’t you have any money?

For reference, our income halved when we became parents.

But I do not accept that I just have to give up

I wasn’t suggesting you give up, just reset some of your own expectations and be a bit more realistic about what you want or think you need.

There’s also the issue of golden handcuffs. I’ve ended up through bad planning in a situation where I need quite a big salary to fund the household

Why not downsize? If you can’t afford your lifestyle as it is now you’ll never be able to afford to do all the things you want to do.

So, giving up on my dreams then?

If they’re unattainable then yes.

That’s why I said ambition was a curse. It means I’m hard to please

In my experience ambitious people, at least those that achieve their ambitions, are committed and driven enough to make the sacrifices required to achieve those ambitions. From what you’ve said here I’m not sure you are. That doesn’t make you ambitious or hard to please, it means you’re either unrealistic or unwilling to make the required sacrifices.

Your curse isn’t ambition, it’s wanting things you either cannot achieve or will not work hard enough to achieve.

Why not downsize? If you can’t afford your lifestyle as it is now you’ll never be able to afford to do all the things you want to do.

So move from a three bedroomed semi to where? With what money shall we move?

In my experience ambitious people, at least those that achieve their ambitions, are committed and driven enough to make the sacrifices required to achieve those ambitions.

Most people who succeed with their ambitions are also single minded. I’m not, I have far too many desires. I try to make as many of them real as possible.

My main aim is to get my life set up the way I want it, to make all of us as happy as we can be. I won’t stop trying to do that.

This thread wasn’t asking for advice on how to do that, by the way. It was asking for experiences of people who’ve done something alternative. More alternative than simply working part time.

Well you’ve been given a lot of very good advice, particularly by philconsequence, but somehow I get the impression that you’re not really engaging with the bits you don’t want to hear.

Well, I’ve been told to a) give up on what I want b) stfu and stop whingeing and c) spend less and pay off your mortgage. Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don’t need pointing out or aren’t areas in which I want or need advice.

Whilst it is tempting and often inevitable for men to feel we need to provide solutions to problems presented, from reading the various posts and your responses thus far, I have a hunch that unless these solutions fit in with your own fears of not realising your potential, this will not be resolved through the medium of this forum.

Molgrips, you are clearly very intelligent – possibly a little more than is wise. You appear to have an answer for most things that are being suggested and that only serves to give me the impression that the biggest barrier to you achieving your hopes, dreams, aspirations is your ego/pride. Possibly a bit too blunt and you may well indeed retaliate to defend yourself. You may want to consider the reference to Buddhism in an earlier post? Let go!

Perhaps, think of it as a time of ‘suffering’ and by that I mean we learn nothing about ourselves when life is good and we are surfing the crest of the wave, it is only when we are suffering and feeling low that we really start to gain insight/s and able to move on.

The universe is perfect as is everything that we create, you have created this situation for yourself (more so at a subconscious level)so that you can learn from it. If you don’t achieve the realisations this time, then maybe the next time you find yourself feeling dissatisfied with your life you will. Everything happens in it’s own good time, the flow is without flaw. Rushing or forcing any decision will not be for the best, let things occur with your own best intentions and volition and life will be perfect for you, for what you need to learn.

I have taken much comfort from your disclosure and others on here about what I term to be my unfulfilled potential – I too share these same fears from time to time. I don’t think it helps when some posts tell you how successful they have been and how good they are – TBH I tend towards them being rather insensitive and more ego driven than your rebuttals.

Whilst you may consider yourself cleverer than any Therapist and therefore would not consider seeking someone to talk to, I would counsel that you do and leave your clever ego behind.

May I also venture that if you partake in any dope or recreational’s, leave them alone completely for the time being. Skunk in particular is very bad for self-motivation. I am by no means being evangelistic here, I say it because I sense there may be a possibility that this could also be a factor, so please excuse me if I have made an incorrect assumption.

Peace, joy and love.

You work away for the week, your wife’s health is suffering as a result of 24/7 child- no adult contact?- informal support — friends/family is essential for a healthy life, we are social animals, no man is an island, these truisms come from deep fundamental needs, you sound like a ‘nuclear’ family, — you might as well be on a desert island.

I am only going on your posts, your replies to well meaning advice, but the green grass you wish for lies at a more fundamental level– this ambitious problem, its a firstworld disorder, cherish what you have, not what you desire, you and your wife’s health are the most important part of life, without that everything else is tainted, don’t know your upbringing etc so if you’ve got the protestant work ethic, i feel for you.

My father in law, who was dissatisfied with his life many years ago took some LSD and went walkabout, did it work— he is an artist,good but can’t make a living out of it– so he became a taxi driver– you work when you need, always meeting different people, when the weather was bad he’d be in his cab, when it was good,he’d be off scuba diving– all this in wales

its a firstworld disorder

Yep, it is. And I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to do much more than simply feed my family. There’s a whole world of experience out there, I don’t want my family (or me) to miss out on it.

The job by the way is 50% at home and 50% away, and I was told (by my colleagues not management) it was not normally long periods away. Given that, it seemed like a good option.

your wife’s health is suffering as a result of 24/7 child

She is just as determined to make it work as I am. She has her own plans and goals and is striving for them. Her family is overseas unfortunately – they would be a great help if they were nearby but she has stated many times she doesn’t want to live in the town they do.

It was asking for experiences of people who’ve done something alternative. More alternative than simply working part time.

TBH I don’t think you’re going to find those people here 🙂

The travelling/working away seems like the biggest negative aspect of your current setup. It sounds like what you mainly need is more time. Do you necessarily have to be “alternative” to get that? Working in one location a sensible distance from home is about as unalternative as it gets but on the face of it would seem to be of benefit.

So move from a three bedroomed semi to where?

If you can’t afford a three bed semi then move to a two bed semi, or to a cheaper part of the country.

With what money shall we move?

With what money are you going to do all these things you want do? If you haven’t got any money there’s not much you can do, I’ve no experience but would imagine that even an alternative lifestyle requires at least some up front money, in this country at least.

I have far too many desires. I try to make as many of them real as possible.

Then perhaps you should decide which ones you really want to do and focus on those, and give up on the less important ones.

There are hundreds of things I’d like to do, but unfortunately my circumstances don’t allow most so I focus on those I can achieve (spending as much time as possible with family for example).

Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don’t need pointing out or aren’t areas in which I want or need advice

I think the point was that while you may have started by asking for peoples experiences it quickly became clear to most reading that you’ll probably never do most of the things you’d like to do. Most folks on here are just trying to point out that you might end up bitter and frustrated if you continue to pine for things you can’t have. You need to enjoy what you do have (a wife you love and fantastic kids) rather than obsess about what you can’t.

If I’m boring you by pointing out stuff that you already know then I apologise, but it seems to me that you need to accept the reality of your situation.

Nobody can make these things happen apart from you molly.

write that book
take more photos and enter them in competitions
find time to train more for that podium
go climb a mountain
write, record, produce, whatever some music.

until then, every time you come on hear to defend yourself with more reason’s why you cannot do these things, you’re another moment away from achieving your dreams.

i’ve just checked my bank balance and it appears you’re payment for all this life coaching i’ve been providing hasn’t come through yet, please disregard everything in this thread until i can confirm receipt of the payment.

promt payment will result in 50% off your next aura wash and 30% off every time i have to type ‘just do it’ for the next 10 working days.

I sing my own music in my head all the time. Lyrics, musicianship and self criticism are the problem! I play, but not well enough to get what’s in my head out.

That’s what Reason is for 🙂

My take? Not that I’ve cracked it by any means.

Get something creative into your spare time, and make time to do it. Don’t have to be good at it and it doesn’t have to be arty, just something where you can forget about stuff and lose yourself in it.
I’ve played guitar and sang for around 25 years.. I’m OK at it, been paid to play and toured in the past but it never looked likely to become a career. But I’ve noticed my mood is better when I’m putting a few minutes a day into playing, learning a new style or new songs, writing my own whatever.
I’m now making an effort to get surfing on a semi regular basis, a daft hobby for someone an hour from the nearest (flat) sea with 0 talent but hey ho… it’s for the experience, and I’ll only get the bare minimum of stuff I need to do it (tank of petrol and some hire money for the first few sessions at least). Been around 20 years since I last stood on one, so I’m suspecting this is my mid life crisis. Could be worse.

Pick one – do it. Good luck!

PS – if you decide you’re looking for a change of work & location and fancy the look of the Beautiful South I’ll keep an eye out for developer jobs in my new home.

Well, I’ve been told to a) give up on what I want b) stfu and stop whingeing and c) spend less and pay off your mortgage. Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don’t need pointing out or aren’t areas in which I want or need advice.

I’d say that anyone answering a) can be ignored as dicks, anyone answering b) can close the thread and read a different one themselves, but those answering c) are probably honestly trying to help you.
Would it be better if you clarified what advice you do want or need rather than what you don’t?
IMHO, If you continually include finance as a reason to avoid following your dreams, then it is no surprise that people may see that as part of the problem where you could benefit from advice.
You’re obviously quite thoughtful and philosophical about how you want to live your life. I’d say don’t worry so much about getting things wrong, pick something and take a chance [cheese]it’s the journey not the destination.[/cheese]

I am not in employment at the mo, so exist on benefits,but i’m not stressing, i’ve got plenty of time to do things i like, catch up with people, cook nice food, wind the bin lids up, stay out late if i want, ride my bike, climb a mountain, go to the beach, read a book, chat on the net,set up a sound system and entertain people, i know how lucky i am, i’ve got no money saved, but i seem to get by……….

1. Close your account here
2. Use the time recovered to write that book
3. Profit

So move from a three bedroomed semi to where? With what money shall we move?

You can absorb the costs into your next mortgage. Your one massive advantage is not being tied to a single location for work, I reckon you need to start using the positives to their best advantage. It might also inspire you to write that song, book or whatever else.

Seriously I’d start with moving somewhere that you would like to be, a village by the sea, a town near some hills, whatever. It will make a huge difference to being a bit hard up. And it will make coming home that much more pleasurable. I live 3 minutes from the beach, every weekend is like being on holiday in the summer and your kids won’t care whether they are paddling in Bermuda or Bognor Regis.

It’s easy for people to give you the MTFU line, if you are honest there’s maybe an element of truth to it but anyone who’s had two young kids and one wage knows how you feel and how trapped it can seem. As I said earlier it will ease but if you want to make things better now change where you live.

One of my mates shared this on FB yesterday:

Something a lot of us are guilty of …

It’s almost painful reading this. All these people are suggesting things to you and you just ignore them and want to fantasize about living like a hippy.

You have kids – thats limiting some of your options. You have a mortgage, thats limiting some more. I suggest rather than arguing about how great you are, you re-read this thread and either take note of what people have said and ask further questions or stop your whinging and man up.

The awful truth is that you have a mortgage, a wife and kids and responsibilities to them. You want a secure job (salary) to support them. You don’t want or are unwilling to work for yourself.

You have a choice. Either change your secure job (salary) for something less secure but more free or or change how you spend your spare time.

The “alternative” lifestyle you claim to seek is for people who are not cautious or have retired, (they were cautious and saved hard) or those few people who are incredibly wealthy. These people either don’t worry where the next meal is coming from or don’t need to. You can go and live in a cabin in the woods, but at some point your children will be required to be educated. In this country it’s a lawfull obligation. You could home school but that’s a full time job.

To be good at something takes time and effort. To be good at 2 or 3 things takes a lot of dedication. If you want to do these other things only you can make it happen. But you will have to make sacrifices to achieve them. What you give up will be up to you. To think you can have it all is IMO, unattainable. Time to make some difficult choices only you can make.

I can empathise with much of what Molgrips says. 21st century Middle-England angst.

Similar age, position, feelings of frustration, under-achieving (or at least not getting much out of work/career), not a lot of spare time for DIY, household tasks, hobbies etc., wanting to do something more satisfying with life than 40-odd hours/week for somebody else at jobs that are all hassle and virtually no interest or satisfaction. I’d prefer to have the option to spend more time with my family and friends -and to be able to help people who are in need, rather than wealthy shareholders.

Yes, I can afford to eat and have more than enough to live on, but supporting a family, mortgage etc. mean that trying to ‘change direction’ feels impossible -If only I knew what direction to change to….

Like Molgrips, I’m inquisitive, but admit to being easily distracted. I have no head for business and finance bores me. Not really the ideal starting point for self-employment…. So I haven’t even looked into it.

Fear and a lack of risk-taking? Probably.
I’ve a feeling that I should have done something about it years ago, I didn’t make the most of my time with fewer responsibilities and have now left it too late.

Ho-hum.

Buy one of these in Wales near Snowdonia

Log Cabin

Granted you can only stay for 11 months but you could always hire a cheap
place for a month surely

Well, I’ve been told to a) give up on what I want b) stfu and stop whingeing and c) spend less and pay off your mortgage. Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don’t need pointing out or aren’t areas in which I want or need advice.

Whereas what you want is for people to give you some magical solution that allows you to live out all of your wildest dreams without actually putting any effort in to anything or making any sacrifices at all? Sorry to be harsh but that’s the way it comes across.

I dont know Grum I think his laid all his cards on the table including his home life and family.

To be honest I think this must include many younger families of today where your
working more than living and virtually struggling to survive week to week.

Great thread OP. Not feeling too much inspiration from the STW massive :0(

Firstly your kids are the best thing that will ever happen to you and all the mistakes (financial or otherwise) from the past are the lessons that have allowed you to think more freely.. This is the best time in your life no matter what.

Lot’s of ways round planning rules and regs..
Building land is pretty pricey (if you want to live in a mudhut/cabin legally without being harassed by the local council) but small inexpensive plots do pop up from time to time close to mountains/forests if you want to live a semi ‘normal’ life (you will need to dig very deep and see potential where others can’t.. needle in a haystack but they are still out there)
Small woodlands are available all the time but permanent living is a no-no unless you are happy to battle for your human rights for the rest of your life (possible to buy one as a Yurt/camping escape for a month or 2 every year either on your own or as part of a group?)

Is moving abroad an option? (sorry if I missed it) French/Italian mountains?? Still loads of cheap property off the beaten track maybe set up riding/walking/photography holidays (big commitment for the whole fam but achievable due to the lower prices of property in some areas and again might be something you could do with others to ease the risk)

Would your current job allow you to step back in after a 2 or 3 year break if the shit hits the fan??
Would you and your fam be able to cope with starting from scratch if you lost everything (whatever everything means these days?)

Hippy/Camper van stuff is short term.. would be good fun and a great adventure for the fam though :0)
(and you could be renting your property while you do it to get a taste for something different)

Short term culture travel is possible, taking the family for new experiences for a month (can be as cheap and easy as living in Scotland or as hard as going to NZ)

Loads of alternatives out there but battling against the ‘must have’ culture is very tough. (You and your missus with your ambitious nature can make it work)
Keep day dreaming and don’t give up!! The answers will come and they will be the right ones.. When feeling down and fed up just remember ‘you can do it’

start small. I go to a 4 day week from next week to look after my 10 month old one day a week.

20% paycut (more like 15% after you take into account taxes etc) in exchange for 40-50 extra days a year. Not a bad deal I’d say.

Budget gets a bit tighter but in reality means less shiny bike bits and foreign holidays will have to wait.

I had a similar mindset to you, and without wanting to sound critical, if you yourself read back your own posts in this thread you do sound very much like you are waiting for someone to say ‘this is the solution, this is how you do it and it will work immediately’.

There is no magic solution, you get out what you put in at the end of the day. But I, like you, wallowed for ages and hated the notion I was living to work for little reward. I’d got myself in a position whereby my outgoings were crippling and any money I had left over I just spent on stuff with some vague notion that it would make me happy. It was my reward for having what seemed like a miserable life.

I ended up with more tat that need financing to maintain and even less money. It took a few years before I decided that in order to change things and have what I believed could be a better life. I sold all the crap I’d accumulated, cancelled things I didn’t need and stopped buying stuff for the sake of it. Within a few months of not spending I’d put away a decent amount of cash and so looked at what I wanted to do that would mean less time sitting in an office, more time at home an more time doing what I wanted to do.

I’d managed to bring down my outgoings drastically to a point where I didn’t need the sort of income I was generating so was safe in the knowledge that I could quit my job and do something part time or something with a lower income but more enjoyable.

So, I used some of the money I saved up to buy some bikes/kit/training and started an after school bike skills class for kids. It was a long process to get all the qualifications and training so I was in a position to train and provide a safe teaching environment etc but after a year at it it’s starting to do quite well. I have a hardcore of schools who invite me weekly to offer fun cycling activities for their kids and I love what I do. I don’t make a fortune and have to to do 3 days a week working in a Library (which I also enjoy).

Ultimately now I have an easy life. Very low stress, lots of time at home/out with wife/doing what I want to do. All very simple things. We don’t have costly holidays/cars/toys/gadgets and gizmos but we have never been happier.

I enjoy the very simple things in life, don’t need to spend a fortune on crap. I have a modest home with modest possessions but both I and my wife are happy because we both have time which we have realised is the most precious thing you really have.

In fact we now plan to downsize our home for something a little more quant, reducing our mortgage further.