Struggling

Sorry for the long post. I just need to vent.

I can’t take anymore. Sorry in advance for the very long rant. 

My wife is an alcoholic (psychologically addicted, not physically dependant) and we have tried everything we can think of to help her Including counselling, rehab, hypothesis, long term prescription drugs to prevent the craving, very expensive magnetic brain therapy, etc. 

Nothing has had much of an affect and its become 3 or 4 times a week where she is drunk and becomes unpredictable; verbally aggressive towards me and others, will try to drive, walks out leaving the door open or goes to sleep with the fire/gas hobs on while I’m at work. I love her and want to help her but don’t know how. I can’t sit back and watch this happen over and over. I frequently have to hide car keys and throw bottles away. 

She loves going on holiday which helps for a few days but the last 4 times we have gone abroad she ends up getting very drunk at least once. I get extremely anxious travelling with her knowing what is likely to happen. We are due to go away again in a couple of weeks but I don’t think I can handle the stress again knowing what will inevitably happen. 

Another family member was an alcoholic and died quite young several years ago which makes this even harder for me, and for my dad who knows most of what’s going on.

I use to talk to my dad about this alot but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to know anymore and he’s become quite a bully towards me. He thinks I’m stupid, unsociable, he cant understand why I don’t have kids, gets angry if I say I don’t like something he likes, and makes me feel like a failure when all he wants to talk about is how wonderful his nephew is and how he’ll give him anything he wants because hes the only grandson he has. 

If my dads talking to me about a subject he’s familure with that I am not, he makes fun of me for not knowing something and will look for the nearest person to laugh at me with. If it’s the other way round and I try to talk to him about something I know about, he thinks I’m making it up and says I’m being silly. It doesn’t help that I’m on the spectrum with a very high IQ but lack the social skills, confidence and spoken vocabulary to support it. It is a constant depressing torture that I’ve learnt to just ignoor, but it’s still slowly draining me. If I show stress infront of my dad he says I act like a child and just shouts/belows until he gets his way. He doesn’t understand other people don’t all like the same things as him. 

A big mistake was myself, my wife, and my dad spending Christmas together. My dad kept pushing alcohol on my wife during Christmas dinner and not really understanding when we excused ourselves after dessert instead of staying for more drinks. My wife and I are both introverts and find busy social events draining. The next day the 3 of us were out for a walk and and all my dad wanted to do was “stop for a pint in a pub” and kept saying “I do like a pint of …” which obviously does not help when I want to stay away from alcohol. Then he got angry when I didn’t want to eat much for lunch (allergy restrictions are not understood very well). Wife got drunk later that day and my dad kept moaning about how he can’t cope with this and randomly saying how wonderful my nephew is and how he can’t wait to see him. Not once did he ask how I was. 

My stress is starting to show a lot more these last few months and don’t know what to do. I’m on edge all the time. My mind is spiralling out of control with pretty dark thoughts and I’m not even worried about what I might do. Only worried about it not working and continuing this way. I can’t talk to anyone about this. If I talk to my wife, she’ll drink. If I talk to my dad, he’ll get angry. I don’t want to bring my friends into this and stress them out. I’ve no idea what to do.

Sorry to hear this. It can be a very difficult time of year too, when we’re sometimes thrust together with people we’d rather not be. I’d suggest taking to one of the counselling services, or just continue posting here. There’s plenty of folk here who can offer helpful suggestions (more so than I!)

Take care of yourself first, please.

I’m sorry that’s an awful situation to be in. I am sure others on here can offer practical support but it appears you have both explored that

I had a mate who had an alcoholic wife. He tried for years. Eventually he left her as there was nothing else he could do. He is now in a good relationship and enjoying life again

No idea what to suggest other than Andy’s mans club and the like.  It must be harder now with the expectation of drinking alcohol .

Take care of yourself.

I just wanted to say that I’d seen your post & didn’t want to ignore it; I feel for you.

I really don’t think that I’m able to give the sort of insight & advice you need (hopefully others will be able to), but did find a page on the Relate website that might provide a starting point – https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/drinking-too-much. Relate also offer substance abuse courses to their counsellors so it’s they might be something to bear in mind if you reach a point where some sort of couples counselling feels like it might be appropriate.

What I do know a bit about is struggling with deep, dark stuff alone and how dangerous and damaging this can be. I’d echo what others have said about the first priority being to look after yourself.

The Samaritans are always there whenever you need to talk to someone and I suspect that they’ll also be able to signpost you to more specific help. Do bear them in mind.

Again, do look after yourself and good luck.

don’t want to bring my friends into this and stress them out

Ive got a mate who suffers from depression. At one point he got to a very dark place . I only find out afterwards. I wish he had talked to me at the time, friends will / do want to help friends

This:

Take care of yourself first, please.

I’ve said this many times now, but if you fall over then you’re of no help to anyone else.

I don’t want to say “leave” but it sounds to me an awful lot like that’s the inevitable conclusion if nothing changes. Ditto your dad, if he’s making the situation worse then cut ties.

Don’t underestimate friends. If you can tell us then you can tell them.

As others have said – concentrate on yourself.  Look after yourself.  No one else is doing so here.

with regards to your dad – if he is making your life miserable then why do you see him?  I’m guessing the general stress is making the situation with him worse

With regards to your wife its often said that alcoholics need to hit the bottom before they can recover and by supporting her you are merely prolonging things.  That sounds harsh as hell I know but you need to let her fall and hopefully she will pull out of it.  Alcoholism is a dreadful thing.  It killed one friend of mine and badly damaged another

You need support for you.  Counseling etc.  good friends will support you

to echo what cougar said – you cannot keep others warm by setting fire to yourself.

My first wife was an alcoholic. Not quite at the same level, but close. One of the things she’d do was to belittle me in front of her workmates when I was picking her up from the pub after work. I tried a few things – including moving house a couple of times – to see if I could break the cycle. Eventually, I admitted defeat and we separated then divorced. It was a massive break for me and I lost a few joint friends in the process (they couldn’t understand what I’d been going through, mostly as I hadn’t been able to explain it to them). Looking back, I don’t regret it at all. I met another woman, married and “lived happily ever after”.

Bluntly – move on. Get your life in order without her and then, perhaps, re-evaluate your realtionship with your father. It might even take a turn for the better once he sees you taking a bit more control over your own life, even if you have to take break from him in the meantime.

And talk to your friends. If you’re the sort of person that would offer them support, then why wouldn’t they want to reciprocate?

It sounds like an awful situation and to be honest if it was me I’d walk away from it, life is very short and sometimes we have to think of ourselves.

Just to say I hear you, I understand a little. It’s ok to not be ok when things around are out of control.

my boy’s mum used to be a substance abuser, not quite full on dependant but close enough to be difficult. I would work and come home to a party going on, pretty much every day…. I only managed to live with her a few months and the arguments were constant, no escaping, nothing i could do. Eventually we split and that difficult time in my life is gone, and with a clear head i can see how it all was and i count myself lucky to be out.

The one thing i learned through it all is that you can only try to help someone so much. Eventually your life just becomes stress and upset trying to do the right thing.

Flip side of this, my best mate went down a path of self destruction. Myself and other mates had talked about it, talked to him. couldn’t get anywhere with him. Eventually he slipped up, and set up a situation which could’ve ended his marriage, he’d have lost his house, and had trouble spending time with his daughter. He came to stay with me, picked up the phone to a counsellor the next opportunity he could. She put him on the right path, made him see the potential root causes of his issues. The issues are still there, but so is his relationship with his wife, his home and his kid. But his actions are now totally under control.

If you have reached the end of what you can do, then you need to take a view on you, and what options that leaves you

Are you sure your dad isn’t on the spectrum as well? Sounds a lot like he struggles to understand other points of view.

I’d say you need to split these things up and deal with them individually. First things first, if you get on with your sibling see if they can try to talk sense into your dad, if not then sod it, you don’t need someone who is deliberately bringing you down.

As for your wife, it sounds like you’ve exhausted most options. Unfortunately it sounds like you need to be realistic, she is the only one that can do anything about this and if she isn’t then there’s not much you can do.

For your own good I think you need to get out and get yourself together. You’re no good to anyone if you’re falling apart. It’s also going to be hard knowing full well what the likely consequences will be but from what you say that’s inevitable at this point. You certainly sound like you need help.

Easy to say from the outside looking in but nobody should be expected to put up with that. Best of luck.

I have some doubts about the alcoholics anonymous approach in general but this lot do get a lot of praise

You are far from the only one going thru this

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She has to quit. The Alan Carr method helped me greatly. Your Dad is being a dick. Give him the swerve for a while. Tell him why. Don’t go back to him until your wife has quit the booze.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I don’t have any expertise in this but you are doing the right thing speaking about it. Chin up.

Thanks for the replies.

My sibling died in their 30s due to alcohol so not got anyone else with any experience with this.

As for leaving; it’s been on my mind for a while but we own a house together and I can’t afford to move out without selling the house first. She’s not working at the moment, but when she does, she earns mich more than me so could afford to move out while we try and sell the house. But realistically, she probably won’t do that. She’s nearly burnt the house down before and I’m worried if I call it all off she will drink even more and destroy the house, leaving both of us with nothing.

I have been talking to Samaritans. No one else knows and I’m almost tempted to tell them in the hope they realise the damage they are doing to people around them.

I also wonder if your Dad is autistic too, from your description of his behaviour. It’s not uncommon for it to run in the family. Your Dad likely sees himself in you, but doesn’t want to see himself as autistic. Perhaps he thinks to be autistic you must be like Dustin Hoffman’s character in the Rain Man. There’s some advice on https://autisticnotweird.com/family-doesnt-accept which might be useful.

If your dad is feeding booze to your alcoholic wife, having lost a child to alcohol, I’d never be in the same town, let alone room as him.

So sorry to hear all this. Hope you do manage to find a solution.

The situation with your wife sounds incredibly difficult and challenging.  Your father less so, I’d be inclined just to keep away from him full stop.

Is the following a correct interpretation:

your dad is feeding booze to your alcoholic wife, having lost a child to alcohol,

?

Yes

Speak to your GP, they’ll be able to point you to counselling services and decide if you would benefit from medication.  I have found that medication calmed my mind enough for counselling to help me find a way through tough times.

You might have access to counselling through a work or union scheme as well.

I would say though that a friend had a wife with similar alcohol issues. She refused all help and it reached a point that it was destroying him and he had to leave her for his own safety and wellbeing.

Yes

Then I think I agree with Tom.

I’m not an expert here at all but as above I do feel that dad is problematic. However, how much of a problem is unclear because his effects really depend upon the frequency and intensity of your contacts with him.

Does your partner want to reduce and/or give up alcohol consumption or is she content with the situation?

She wants to be able to control it. There are times when she has a couple of glasses of wine and stops. Or we go out to lunch and she doesn’t have any alcohol at all.

But as soon as she has more than about half a bottle of wine, there is no stopping her.

I think she needs a proper rehab (non religoius) where she can’t leave/access alcohol. We tried a private rehab facility but it followed the 12 step program which is religious. She walked out after 3 days.

Recovering alcoholics have to be tea total for it to work, otherwise it’s far to easy to fall off the wagon.

I feel for you mate, come in for a virtual cuddle.

Cut them both loose iiwy. I know that’s hard financially as well as emotionally but maybe it’s what your wife needs. Do you want to carry on like this until death? You deserve happiness.

As for your Dad..iiwy wrote him a note saying how you’re unhappy with his behaviour then ghost him for at least 4 months or so or just ghost him. Who needs negativity in their life? **** ’em off

Sorry to hear this.

I love her and want to help her but don’t know how.

After all that – you’re a good man. I’m only posting a wildcard option here, I saw some episodes of a Netflix docu, The Mind Explained, one of them suggested Psilocybin (thanks spellchecker)- magic mushrooms – was often an almost miraculous cure for alcoholism. Worth watching at least. Not that simple I’m sure, a person would need to be willing to go through the process and I’ve no idea how anyone would go about finding proper treatment.

My Mum was an alcoholic. Best thing we done was get shot of her.

I think the only option for your partner is total abstinence! I’m not sure I would be around see the outcome though.

Sorry OP you’re having a tough time of it.

We live ‘with’ (she’s in an annexe adjoining our house) my mother-in-law who is a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, so, not quite the same as your situation, but living with the impact of her behaviour does have some parallels.

MiL is a very self-centred and selfish woman, with little actual regard for others, or the impact of her drinking upon them. She’s been through 2 marriage breakdowns and lost at least one very close friend due to her behaviour, but lacks any real insight or awareness as to the reasons for those losses. She is also long-term depressed, and for the last 3 years, the drinking is starting to have chronic effects on her physical and mental health, with a number of hospital admissions. Again, no acceptance that the drinking is causing this. Ultimately, she doesn’t want to give up, and has only ever made very short-term and half-hearted attempts to address her alcoholism.

After a number of years of trying to cajole, persuade, support her, and hoping for change, we are coming to accept that this is not going to happen. That has brought a little bit of emotional release for us, accepting this is how she is rather than the roller -coaster of hoping for positive change and then experiencing the let-down and disappointment. We are also stepping back from the occasional role we have taken on of trying to ‘gate-keep’ her access to alcohol and supporting her to ‘manage’ her drinking, because ultimately she can’t/won’t limit it, and it just ends up in unpleasant conflict.

Alongside this, we have started to put very clear boundaries in place in order to protect ourselves and our family and minimise the impact on us. We will not allow her to drink when she’s in with us having a meal or watching a programme/film with us. If she goes through a period of particular heavy drinking and makes herself so ill she needs to go to hospital, we’ll no longer spend 36 hours in A&E with her, or cancel holidays or weekends away (which we’ve had to do in the past).

Sorry, this has turned into a longer ‘about us’ type of post than I had intended. I guess, what I am trying to say is that there is only so much patience, support, hope and tolerance you can invest in someone dependant on alcohol. Ultimately, only they can make the changes, and often, they are unable or unwilling to address their alcoholism. There is only so much you can, or should, do, and from your post, it sounds like it is starting to have an unbearable impact on your own life and well-being.

So. Start being clear with yourself what the impact of your wife’s drinking is having on you, and whether this is still acceptable/tolerable, or whether it has now tipped over into something that you are no longer able to accept. From your post, it does sound like the latter. Put down some ‘lines in the sand’ that give you and your wellbeing some protection.

Talk to your GP, Relate, work-based wellbeing programme, friends, random strangers on here etc. Depending where you live, there maybe good substance misuse services that also offer support/counselling to carers/family.

Good luck OP.

Ditch your Dad. He’s toxic. 6 months of avoiding him might make him re-think his behaviour towards you. It probably won’t though from your description

I used to have a borderline alcoholic partner. It was awful. Her family all had significant issues with booze. Her Mum went to a clinic twice but when she returned home her Dad was still drinking heavily so the temptation was always there. She fell off the wagon very quickly due to her husband’s alcohol problems. Why is that relevant? Alcoholics are often extremely selfish and their self-destructive addiction/illness is the beast in their head that they have to feed (think of the Venom film). Everything else is secondary to that addiction.

If you can’t get your wife to voluntarily go to the clinic then it’s game over. Walk away otherwise you’re stuck with it until she dies a nasty death.

If she does go to the clinic then you have to be incredibly supportive and remove all alcohol from all situations that you can have some influence or even control over. It’s going to be very demanding on you. Ask yourself are your ready for years of that?

Apologies to be Mr Doom and Gloom but I’ve half been through it and 23 years after we split up  I’m now happily married with a wonderful wife but I regret the time I lost trying to make it work with someone who was more in love with booze than me. I lost several years in the prime of my life supporting someone who didn’t want to change.

I also lost a friend last year to alcoholism. He’d been to a clinic 3 times, lost his wife and kid as they walked away but it still didn’t stop him drinking. It was tragic.

As I type this I would like you think of what you want/need to make you happy in the long term.

She wants to be able to control it. There are times when she has a couple of glasses of wine and stops. Or we go out to lunch and she doesn’t have any alcohol at all.

But as soon as she has more than about half a bottle of wine, there is no stopping her.

You must know, and to be honest she must know, that the only answer is to have none at all, and the “want to be able to control it” angle is simply a way of masking/avoiding the admission that there is a fundamental problem.

In terms of your Dad, TBH, if I were in your shoes, I’d be inclined to write him a letter, explaining that when he says/does ‘this’, it makes you feel ‘that’. Give examples. Explain you are no longer prepared to be belittled in those ways, and that you are therefore breaking off all contact with him for a period of time.

It may not change anything?

Sometimes, however, people who bully (which is essentially what your Dad is doing) have never had anyone spell out to them the impact of their behaviour, so it might turn out to be the first step in mending and improving your relationship with your Dad. (Of course, it might not – in which case, if you resume your relationship with him after taking a break, only give it so long, and if things haven’t/don’t improve, just cut off all but the bare minimum of contact with him.)

Yes

Explain the situation to him, then ditch him

I don’t want to bring my friends into this and stress them out. I’ve no idea what to do.

Please talk to your friends, there is a good chance they already have a clue that things are going badly but don’t know how to jump in to help. I’ve been handling things badly at times and friends have always been there when they were most needed!

That sounds like an awful situation. I have no experience with alcoholism but a bit with this:

It doesn’t help that I’m on the spectrum with a very high IQ but lack the social skills, confidence and spoken vocabulary to support it.

Both myself (to a lesser degree) and family members. I know how hard it can be to express yourself and get across your feelings and exactly what’s happening, which is why I find writing (like in a forum!) so much easier than speaking verbally when a) you’re on the spot and b) it’s more of a social (and therefore awkward/uncomfortable) situation.

As far as help for yourself goes, there are various helplines but I wonder if there are any that offer assistance by chat/email or something instead of over the phone. You may find it easier. Either that or find a therapist of some sort that works for you and build a connection.

I very much disagree with those saying split up. I can see their point, but I personally feel that abandoning somebody you love is not the best way out of this for either of you. From what you say, it sounds like you are still very much together (even if it’s hard sometimes) and not that she’s essentially already ditched you for alcohol. Also your dad – I would say keep ties, don’t burn your bridges, but it sounds like you need a break from him.

What are your chances of moving away? Preferably to somewhere extremely rural like the Highlands or the middle of Mongolia where there’s no booze shop around the corner 🙂 Like I said I have no experience but also agree that going completely teetotal is the only way to succeed with this long-term, however hard that might be.

Of course this is all only my 2p and maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick somewhere but I genuinely wish you all the best in sorting it out.

A ray of light (eventually, bear with me).

My Dad was a full-time alcoholic for a decade after he got let go from work, and a functional one for probably my whole life. He used to hit me, terrify his wife, all sorts of horrible stuff.

After various rehab efforts and countless broken promises, he made a really good fist of Alcoholics Anonymous and has (to my knowledge at least), been teatotal for maybe two years now. I’m very proud of him. He’s still an arse though 😉 .

First of all, you’re not alone in going through this. Many people will have a similar issues with partners with alcohol abuse and all the turbulence that goes with it. I can relate to your first reaction to try and help your partner, but it is a thankless task. Given your situation with no children, I think I’d be sitting down for a talk, laying down some boundaries that if crossed would mean you wouldn’t be able to continue in the relationship. I know it’s hard, and feels like you’ve failed your partner but you haven’t, you are not responsible for their choices. I emphasize that you should make this choice now, do not leave it until you have children if that’s where your relationship is heading, it will only get much much worse if that happens. I wish I knew the answer.

To add to this as a sidenote – I hate how much alcohol is pushed on us as the norm, the TV adverts, programs with people getting  ‘fun’ drunk etc. It all makes me sick having seen the ruin it causes.

I wish you well in whatever direction you take, none are easy paths. DM me if you want to talk more.

Alcoholism isn’t something, as an alcoholic, that you can “control” your physiological and psychological makeup make it impossible to control how much you drink.  It’s basically binary in that it’s usually all or none.

I spent 15y trying to first control, then fix my dad.  Nothing worked.  He didn’t really want to quit.  He knew it was a problem, but when drunk, knew little about how much of a problem it was and, in his mind, it was someone else’s problem.

AA was the closest we got to making it stick, but as with learning, it really depends on the group you’re with and how close you are in your symptoms/problems.

My only advice if you want to persist in fixing this is to get your wife into AA, but be VERY choosy in which sessions/groups you go to.  You have to want to go and you have to relate to the others in the group.  If you don’t have both, you won’t help yourself or others.  That latter part is quite important and often lost – the group sobriety really, really helps maintain yours.

Oh, and tell your dad, flat out that he’s being a dick.  Show him this thread.

Alcoholism isn’t something, as an alcoholic, that you can “control” your physiological and psychological makeup make it impossible to control how much you drink. It’s basically binary in that it’s usually all or none.

usually but not always.  I know an alcoholic that is controlled on 3 beers a day.  No more and no less.  He very nearly totally ruined his life but has control now.  I suspect he will relapse again and his partner has a huge role in keeping this boundary of just 3 beers a day but he has been stable like this for several years now