should I stay or should I go – the coke and hookers thread

She then said if I stay then she’d make sure our girls saw that we were a couple… now I struggle with this. sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean intimacy and she explicitly said it wouldn’t. So, the concept sounded to me like two ‘friends’ as parents bring the kids up.

Just leave. Sorry to be brutal, but its the best for everyone involved, especially the kids. Because you’ll end up doing so anyway – theres nothing more certain – because theres no way on earth that that set up can last long before imploding completely, and probably very messily

You both clearly have widely different views about what constitutes a marriage. And it all sounds pretty irreconcilable to me.

I left about 5 years ago when my kids were young, when my marriage became unsustainable for both of us, for all manner of reasons. It was tough at first. But now? We share custody, its all been amicable, we actually get on really well (far better than the miserable end of our marriage), and the kids now have 2 happy homes instead of one, and are healthy and happy themselves.

IMHO ‘staying together for the sake of the kids’ is the most ridiculous and destructively counter-productive thing anyone can ever do. Everyone ends up miserable. And it means you essentially judge your kids to be too stupid to pick up on it. They aren’t. I know a few people who’s parents did this, and they all sincerely wish they hadn’t. Nobody wins. And the kids end up guilty and blaming themselves for their parents obvious misery

Just leave. For everyones sake

FFS it’s not going my way I’m leaving? What total moral cowardice. **** the kids they can get on with it.

FFS it’s not going my way I’m leaving? What total moral cowardice. **** the kids they can get on with it.

What a profoundly stupid thing to say. Yes… much better for kids to be brought up in a loveless environment where everyone is living a lie, because….. erm… well just because everyone is being so frightfully brave, and upstandingly moral members of society?

And everyone knows that ending your marriage means abandoning your kids, right?

I once wrote in my diary as a little boy that “the best love parents can show a child is just to love each other”.

I don’t recall the trigger that prompted me to write that, and I don’t really know what it means or might imply, but I do know it came from the heart at the time and I just share it here in case it can be unpacked usefully in any way at all.

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you’re in the situation you find yourself in. It sounds horrible. I’m afraid I’m in no way qualified to offer any advice at all, but do offer the usual forum fellowship.

LOL bluehehelmet! 😆

Moral cowardice is bringing your kids up in an unhappy home with negative role modelling and horrendous relationship values cos you’re too scared to man up and get on with your life in a mature and responsible fashion

Get in the sea you 50s throwback

bluehelmet. Two profoundly stupid posts. One sexist. One insulting.

OP. Do you want to spend the next 10yrs in a sexless passionless relationship and then explain to your kids you stayed together “for them”? If you believe she will redevelop an intimate relationship it might be worth staying. But she says she doesn’t and shes had a year to change her mind.

If you’ve been honest and she says that isn’t going to or doesn’t want to change, I’m with Binners. 🙁

In a kind of similar situation here (though I’m the one who’s depressed) – and TBH I reckon it’s a lot more common than I used to think, and a lot more common than is generally realised by those not in such a situation (yet). It’s also been for a lot longer in my case – oldest was 9 a few days ago, and looking back our relationship fundamentally stopped working as such when he was conceived. I don’t think it does ever get better in most cases. Why am I still here? Well apart from some practical issues I still need to solve and that I do feel a bit of a sense of duty (which wouldn’t be enough to keep me here on its own) I’m not sure the grass is greener. I totally get what binners is saying and agree (and bluehelmet is talking a load of bollox and has clearly never had this experience), but in my case I’m still not sure I’d be happier. I’m fairly sure it’s not the only reason, but I’ve not been tempted to have an affair because the opportunity hasn’t arisen in 10 years, so I’m not sure whether I’d actually find what’s missing in my life if I left. As it’s been mentioned, I should admit that I did at one point consider the idea of paying, but realised I have no interest in doing that – as Stevet1 explained, what I want isn’t available that way.

Not sure that’s any help to the OP, but at least that’s how I’m currently rationalising my situation.

Best of luck aracer.

I know what I’ve said all sounds very decisive and strong willed, but it wasn’t like that at all. Its the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. And theres no rowing back from it. And its a really really diffcult period of adjustment that really takes its toll on you

But with hindsight, and looking at my kids, and how happy they are, I am, and my ex is for that matter, theres no doubt I made the right decision for everybody involved. I cant even begin to imagine the alternative, and how miserable that would be

Maybe it is me, but I am happily married to someone who is my best friend, who I can open up to and be intimate with. We have 2 boys who drive me up the wall in a good way but that hasn’t stopped us being who we were 20 years ago when we met.

I am not boasting or rubbing your nose in it, but who are you staying there for ? your kids ? you ? her ?

You can have an affectionate loving time within marriage and it sounds like yours has unfortunately run its course, these things happen, through nobody’s fault.

From the sounds of things, and I am just going from the very small snippit you have given us here, the best thing you could do is take a step away and give your kids the mum and dad that they deserve – staying for them is a bad reason to stay together.

Some more advice about ‘women’ depressed or otherwise and cyclically they become depressed, they are also more ‘open’ to romantic overures cyclically, you need to study the cycle, whilst doing all that other bullshit with the counselling etc

Marriage with kids is tough, I see this poor cow every morning on my ride, one toddler, one strapped to her chest and the bloody dog out in the freezing weather, she’d be wide open to some flattery, some flowers, a suggestion of a drink, whoever her moron husband is she’d be an easy pull.

Girls need constantly to be made to feel they are still attractive, despite their own desperate lack of self worth, their feeling ‘is this what it’s come to?’ their sense of being trapped whilst ‘he’ can still get on with his life and his hobbies.

Your girl needs to be cheered up she needs to be made to feel pretty, young and wanted and you are clearly not doing that, none of us do, once we’re in it for the long term, blokes are always thinking selfishly.

So, work harder at it before some bloke who thinks like me comes alongs and admires her new dress, her hair, the way she flutters her eyes, whatever and then waltzes off not only with her, but your girls as well.
She needs help, but not the sort you’re thinking of right now.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Oh look, more derogatory comments about women. 🙄

It’s not all of us c-g, when I suggested his comments were bollox it was actually mainly that post rather than the other one.

I do think it’s important to reflect on the promise made on a wedding day – in sickness and in health… and all that goes with it.

When else is that promise relevant and what value does that promise have, other in a situation like this?

I do think it’s important to reflect on the promise made on a wedding day – in sickness and in health… and all that goes with it.

When else is that promise relevant and what value does that promise have, other in a situation like this?

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.

Harper Lee.

until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.

wasn’t that Hannibal ?
Sorry ….. I completely agree with Ransos

I’m the child.

The child of a marriage that clearly got to the same point as the OP’s (and where one parent regularly “wandered”).

My parents stayed together for me and my sister. For one of my parents it suited them well (the affairs clearly never stopped, they were the main earner). For the other I susepct there are many years of a life lost to that period of parenting, working and not a lot else.

This year they will hit 47 years of marriage. They seem to have found some sort of equilibrium, an acceptance of this is how it’s going to be.

I still love them a great deal and enjoyed a very happy childhood most of the time (though their relationship did impact it during my teenage years). My sister is rather more affected by it – she’s only entered into her first serious relationship at nearly 40.

But I can’t help but think it would have been fairer all round if my folks had called it a day and both done what was better for them and their children, and not just what they thought was best for the children.

Oh, and on the affair point: I believe the advice is never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you.

For the OP his risk factor is clearly his children, so it looks like a very high stakes game.

I think trying to resolve the situation within the home (and especially with counselling/external guidance) is the right approach. Just agree a time limit so everyone knows there’s a ticking clock.

Final point – children tend to have very little in the way of contextual awareness: they’ve only got the one set of parents, so have no idea how a “normal” relationship should function. They just see the one in front of them.

Honesty* is the best policy, however hard it feels to explain quite complicated emotions.

*they don’t ever need to know about the intimacy side. Ever. At any age!

Oh look, more derogatory comments about women.

Now, now my good lady. You’re becoming hysterical. Its not your fault. Its all those hormones. You can’t be expected to behave rationally.

Jeeves….. my smelling salts!

c_g needs some camomile tea

Sorry to be so blunt.

Terrible typo though it was a troll that got bites.

It’s not all of us c-g, when I suggested his comments were bollox it was actually mainly that post rather than the other one.

I know aracer, that user has not helped the OP one iota by making such crass comments. Just reading your post, fwiw you need to work through things by talking openly and close that chasm before it’s too late. Good luck. 🙂

c_g needs some camomile tea

No I don’t! Some proper tea sounds good though. 🙂

c_g needs some camomile tea

Bloody horrible stuff, nobody ever needs it

Now, now my good lady. You’re becoming hysterical. Its not your fault. Its all those hormones. You can’t be expected to behave rationally.

😆 So excited that I have today taken delivery of some replacement hormones, I kid you not. 🙂

I’m drinking some camomile tea now. To whom do I hand in my testicles?

(No experience but I’d say leave, I remember wishing my parents would divorce for a bit so they’d both be happy, which would have made me happy. They did stay together but there issues weren’t especially deep seated and they’re now fine. Yours sounds far more serious and I suspect it’ll cheese your kids off more living in a home where 50% of it doesn’t get along with each other)

Stoatsbrother – spake thusly :

I’m with Binners.

Thrilled to see you’ve both found somone else. I wish you both every happiness in your new life together. 😀

I’m in a sort of similar position. My wife doesn’t want a married relationship anymore. I still love her and would keep trying to sort it out if she wanted to but I’m happy to accept that she doesn’t. We are lucky in that we have room to have separate bedrooms and that makes it possible, I don’t believe you can possibly do it without that. It’s no secret from anyone, the children between 14 and 17 are fully aware that’s how we live as are our friends and family.I don’t want to leave, I’ve stopped travelling after 20 years of being away a lot so now I’m enjoying seeing my children every day and my wife also likes that I can do that. We don’t do things a couple for the sake of appearances but we do sometimes all go somewhere together though that’s rare. We sit and eat together, we sit and watch the telly together and have a good friendly conversation and I still enjoy her company. We are united when we are dealing with the children which is also important.
I could move out but I’ve worked hard, we both have, over the years to be mortgage free and I like my house and seeing my kids every day. I don’t want to sell up either and have the children move, I don’t want to take on another mortgage and my wife would have to change her job to afford one so it’s not an option at the moment.The lack of a physical relationship was hard at first but no where near as hard as it was before we had separate rooms. I did think about seeing other people but over the last few months I’ve begun to realise more and more that I’ve no interest in replacing what I had, instead I want to do different things.
2 things I’ve done so far are taking up running again and getting into doing a Park Run every Saturday and buying a road bike and joining a club who ride out every Sunday. Oh and having my own bedroom means that bike lives in there and doesn’t have to suffer in a cold garage.
It’s easy to get into thinking your life has been put on hold in this situation, and at first I did feel like that but now I just enjoy each day for what it brings and don’t worry about what comes along.
Another thing that has really helped is my relationship with my next door neighbour, she’s 96 still does her best to look after herself and her 69 year old son who has mental health issues and learning difficulties and can happily wear the same clothes for months at a time! Since she had a fall I’ve tried to go in and see her for a cup of tea everyday and provide a measure of sane company as she puts it. It’s been quite challenging at times, I won’t go into details but most people would walk in the house and walk out pretty sharpish! Anyway while she doesn’t think she could cope without my help I don’t think she’ll ever realise just what an inspiration she is to me, for 69 years she’s looked after her son and despite being in pain and struggling to cope with his behaviour she will not countenance going into care and leaving him. It quite simply puts my few problems into perspective.
Sorry for the incessant rambling but I hope there may be at least something in it that might help.

And the most important thing I think about if I’m feeling a bit crap is Neil Baldwins take on life.
“I’ve always wanted to be happy; so I decided to be”

Edukator has it. Dont get caught. Review the situation when the kids are older.

While I have no moral or other such issue with the concept of paying for it as long as the person you are paying really is exercising their free will in choosing to earn their money that way I just couldn’t hand over the cash without thinking about what I might have bought in a bike shop!

Well the wife has clearly checked out of the marriage, though I guess she likes some aspects of your presence. Not really clear what is keeping you both there beyond habit. IMO presenting a daily example of a sexless and even affection-free marriage is probably the worst thing you can do for your children, do you want them to grow up thinking that is normal?

Nothing to contribute on the marriage advice front, but avdave, I think you are a stellar bloke for helping your neighbours out, I’m sure they think the world of you.

Thankyou badnewz but I really think I get just as much out of it as she does.

le I have no moral or other such issue with the concept of paying for it as long as the person you are paying really is exercising their free will in choosing to earn their money that way I just couldn’t hand over the cash without thinking about what I might have bought in a bike shop!

That’s taking good customer service a bit too far. 😯

I had a long hard think about it over the weekend. I have decided to stick it out, I married her for better for worse and theres a reason I did that. Maybe that’s a little of an old school opinion, many seem to encourage me to think of my life and my happiness but the happiness and stability for my children is high on my wish list. So my intension is to try and give them that as long as I am able to. I used to think that parents staying together for their kids was more damaging than two separate but happy parents, I personally think that in many ways its neither here or there. as long as they grow up loved and in non damaging environment then that’s maybe as good as or better than meeting other men and women as step mother and father figures. My constant involvement with them is way more important than my own happiness. EDIT: and generally we rarely argue and mostly are pretty friendly.

… and hey, I still have the right to change my mind ANd they are young enough that I still have a few years yet before a greater damage would be done, so plenty of time to see if I can get my wife back on board and for her to come to terms with her depression with the help of counselling. Wish me luck. A few years ago I wouldn’t have stayed.

Good luck fella. I sincerely hope you can work it out, and you can all be happy

Good luck!

Whichever way it eventually pans out, I admire you for trying to do the right thing by your kids. Stepped back from that brink a couple of times in the last 20 years and glad that I did.

I hope that you get a happy ending one way or the other.

I hope that you get a happy ending one way or the other.

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I like what you’ve done there