relationship Q, kids and getting on with the OH

married over 10 years, young kids, beautiful wife and i’m peed most of the time with her. We get on very well, have lots of common interests, have got through the tired with babies stage but there just seems to be little spark left for me. I seem to spend large amounts of time just annoyed or angry with her at little things that would not have bothered me pre kids and as a result feel unhappy a lot of the time.

Is there a lght at the end of the tunnel as kids get older and couples have more time for each other or do i just expect to carry on as is indefintley?

mid life crisis?

…or do i just expect to carry on as is indefintley?

It might do unless you do something to change it.

It can can certainly get better as the kids get older, take date nights and leave the kids at home for an afternoon (once old enough and sensible enough).
However, it can also get worse with time if there is something more deep rooted.

Sounds from your initial post that you are expecting a spark to be there without putting effort in to reignite it (could be unfair there?).

Relationships are about putting in enough and getting back enough, its not a magic formula, but if both parties put themselves into the relationship then the effects magnify.

I think its natural for many (all?) long term relationships to have wobbly months or years, you have to get through them and recreate the good stuff.

Good luck.

have got through the tired with babies stage but there just seems to be little spark left for me

[Cynic mode on]

We all know women just want the three C’s.

So once they’ve got them, us men are of very little use. Get out while you still can!

[/Cynic mode off]

Is there a lght at the end of the tunnel as kids get older and couples have more time for each other or do i just expect to carry on as is indefintley?

For sure older kids and more time can make things easier, but young kids and no time doesn’t need to be unhappy.

From personal experience, give Relate a call. Time spent with them isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile. Here’s something gormless, I’m vaguely embarrassed each time I write to recommend them (You needed relationship counselling? Oh!), but continue to do so because of the positive impact they had on my relationship and thereby my life, kind of passing the karma (no, I don’t believe…) on or something.

Good luck.

Obvious question, but are you doing any fun stuff together, without the kids?

i would suggest that the problem isnt your wife. i would suggest that there is something underlying that is troubling you. maybe a lack of goal or direction. I’m just guessing though. i think you should talk to her about it. i would also seriously suggest some kind of counselling. i know it did me the world of good. my brother in law also went through a very similar thing to what you describe and very nearly walked out on my sister and nephew. he is a very stubborn fella but he eventually agreed that he should talk to someone about it. he went to counselling, quit his job and started his own business. in the 15 years ive known him i have never seen him happier. and the underlying problem had very little to do with the thing he was punishing, i.e. his wife.
and don’t beat yourself up about it. even the most loved up have a wobble now and again. thats life.

effort put in, have talked, just slowly losing the will to continue with the effort

what makes you happy?
why did you marry her in the first place?
what troubles you?
what would you do if you left her?
how would you both cope with the kids in that scenario?
do you like your job?
do you like your house?
what do you do together?
why did she marry you?
do you resent the kids for driving a wedge between you?
do you blame your wife for wanting kids?

not expecting you to answer any of those on here, its none of my beeswax. some stuff you might want to think about.

Another question.
Do you do stuff that may irritate her?

Me and the other half are a little way behind you, bang in the midst of the tired with babies stage..

so we are embracing this sloth like somnambulistic existence and making tiny efforts when we can..

Sustaining the enthusiasm for providing a positive parenting experience for our two kids can be a strain, we are thoroughly tetchy with each other about half of the time and it takes a colossal effort to try and maintain a positive and light hearted, humorous outlook.. often it takes that much effort to summon a smile, or smalltalk or a civil word..

Stress is a mad **** beast and can grab hold of your balls and swing you round the rooftops in a multitude of mindbending ways that can push you into some negative habits..

Try to remember that you both have an untold multitude of faults.. everyone on this beautiful planet is a monumental wierdo in their own right..
Try not to make any permanent decisions based on temporary emotions, we’ve always had a tendency towards bickering and had to learn this lesson extremely thoroughly..

Good Luck..

I hope I am not writing a post like yours in a year or so when the pressure eases up and we are getting more rest..

Seems to me that you see the kids as a negative, rather than the positive that your wife expected. Just saying, don’t look to me for a solution. Once you have kids, you’re either in it together or it all goes tits up.

Ecstasy?

On a more serious note a bit of CBT might help, train yourself to think about situations differently, try being aware of how you feel and nipping it in the bud before you wind your partner up.

I’m not a shrink though so I can’t really help.

I’m doing CBT myself at the minute. I’m a procrastinator and it blooody annoying. I’m slowly trying to change that. Its amazing how far back the cause of it is seated and what has made me the way i am.
Like my therapist says, just because you think it, doesnt make it true.

Its amazing how far back the cause of it is seated and what has made me the way i am.

I was told by my (just about to retire very highly qualified) counsellor that we are pretty much set in our way by 7 years old. Most mental issues we have can be traced to before then.

Kinda scary as a parent to know what damage one can inflict on a child just from not being a perfect parent.

true story. 😯

It can be pretty hard with the little kids. You do have to work at keeping yourselves going mentally, through it all.

When I get like that I find one of the things that helps is, surprisingly, to make myself accept my share of responsibility for the situation I am in. Then, I feel better and behave better. I guess on some level it’s about feeling more in control, although the situation one is in may not be ideal. Subconsciously you may be blaming her for things that are not her fault. People are basically quite nice and quite logical most of the time. There is usually a reason why things are as they are. You were part of the decisions made, whether you realise it or not.

How’s work? If I’m stressed at work that quickly shows up at home, too – with similar symptoms. Nothing at all to do with the wife, it’s all me.

Other things: you don’t have to be a perfect family all the time, let the kids have some crap food in front of the TV while you and the wife have something decent together; pack the kids off to a family member and head off for a dirty weekend somewhere; get a babysitter in and go out for a meal.

Oh, and a post-lunch siesta is always a winner if your kids know that a closed door is a closed door, except for real emergencies…

Dealing with the kids will get steadily more complicated as they get older. Factor in ageing, ailing parents for your wife to fuss/flap over and work issues linked to ageing, and I can’t see why you hope things will improve. Only your attitude to it all can change.

I’ve given up on some issues, thrown in the towel, and we’re all happier for it. Live and let live. I know my place, I’m bottom of the pecking order. Let all the others get on with their flapping and zen your way through it.

There are just a few things I like to go my way. While they do I’m more than happy to stick around.

Do you do much stuff with other people? I sometimes find that as much as I love my missus and kids, if it’s just us doing stuff for a a few weekends in a row then it gets a bit stifling. As soon as we get out and about with friends and their kids things seem so much better.

Also, as above if you don’t already try to get out with the wife every now and then. Just walking to the pub on a Tuesday night is like a breath of fresh air for us sometimes – we did this last week and had just two drinks before going home again a couple of hours later, we felt much better for it. Break the norm even if it seems like an insignificant break.

Firstly I’m not as far down the road as you are OP (2 years married, 5 years together before that, 2 kids 4 years, and 14 months, I suppose that totals 7 years but it’s the kids that definatly change everything, your life as a couple barely exists you are now jointly managing a sort of chaotic mess and constantly butting heads over pretty minor things I find)

If it’s not too much prying, how does your missus cope without you about?

I think from my own relationship I’ve realized that of the pair of us I”m the one who can operate more independently, she relies on me more than I do on her, thus what tends to annoy me and builds up the tension over time is what I perceived as constant dappiness (lost keys, lost or not simply charged phone, constant lack of preparation, planning or realistic understanding of time management) all the little things that serve to make life difficult, you tend to roll with the punches for a bit, but as you are male and don’t travel everywhere with 6 bags full of assorted shite you are used to doing things in a timely fashion and get impatient when she constantly isn’t on top of things like you are.

Case in point if I have the kids for 24 hours while she goes off for a Mum’s weekend or whatever, she’ll come back to a reasonably tidy house and relatively happy kids, if we reverse it and I’m away overnight, I’ll come back to screaming kids, Tired and irritable wife and a home that looks like Beirut and I’ll have to tidy.

Like you OP I’ve realized that I was getting narky and pissed off by relatively minor things.

So as I’m male I’ve formed a strategy of sorts. I’ve been making a concerted effort over the last six months to help her get organised, think of it more like some sort of “light touch management” challenge or something.
I’ve not told her but I’m constantly doing things to try and make her life flow a bit better, I put up a key hook and I retrieve her keys from whichever door she forgets she’s left them in and put them on the hook, thus rather than spend 10 minutes looking for her keys she finds them instantly, I make sure the change bag is stocked and in the same place, the kids coats and shoes are in the right place, I remember to load up and switch on the dishwasher (because she might throw a few things in it but I’ve not yet seen her actually set it running), I ferry her mum about for childcare duties, I put her phone on to charge and switch of 3G and Wifi to save the battery so that when she actually needs it it’s working.

The other thing I do is say OK to pretty much anything she want’s to do, she’s on a health kick right now so I make sure she’s able to do the Gym 3 nights a week and I’ll sort the kids if she wants to go for a run.

It sort of helps as you find yourself sort of quietly studying your wife and thinking of ways to “passively help” her rather than just sitting stewing and resenting her.

This all sounds rather Mundane I know but it’s part of a wider picture, I realized that she’s not Dappy or thick, but like many women she’s conditioned to believe she can “Multi-task” and do a billion things at once and actually this leads to her becoming swamped, doing more and more seemingly stupid things, which in turn frustrate me and we get in to a cycle of blame and arseyness that leads to arguments.

it’s not one sided of course, you need time to do your stuff, but if her life is running smoothly she’ll be happier to give you a day or two here and there to do your stuff (MTBing, night out with some mates, etc) without any recrimination, where as if she’s feeling put upon and unsupported and then you tell her you’re off out, she’ll be that much more arsey with you and the grumpy cycle deepens on both sides.

Oh and as well as Family time and time for yourselves individually, you also need time as a couple again, plan it in, make an effort and some bookings, surprises go down well especially for Birthdays etc…

The whole secretly managing her thing might seem a little overbearing and Patriarchal, patronizing even, but it seems to be working, the logic is if she’s less stressed and tired, she’s less likely to make a hash of things generally, thus you get to do more of the things as a family, couple and individuals that you want to rather than faffing about.
And as an impatient bloke you are less likely get pissed off and overall be happier…

Then of course your issue might be totally different…

Either way, best of luck.

That last guys post is great advice for any relationship.

I think I like cookeaa.

It’s an excellent contribution to the thread but all relationships are different.

The going away thing though mirrored my own experience exactly but I learned something very different from it: despite the apparent chaos, my son having taken control in my absence, no bills paid, nothing filed and no kindling left, everyone was quite happy and doing just fine without me. I decided to let them get on with things more and just do the important manly things they weren’t doing such as opening mail, paying bills, fixing things and putting petrol in the car.

Sometimes I go out on my bike and it doesn’t feel as great as I want it to. There’s no flow, it’s muddy, I spend ages cleaning it and feel down because I’m not getting the enjoyment I want and expect. There’s many many contributing factors that can be addressed before going bike shopping.

If Jesus rode mountain bikes this would be one of his parables 🙂

It’s an excellent contribution to the thread but all relationships are different.

Agreed, I think the point isn’t really do what I do, that’s just what worked for me and my family…

But do take a step back and try to look for a “root cause” of the problem. The real root cause may well not be whatever it is directly that she’s doing that pisses you off, it’s whatever it is that’s causing her to do it, the “problem” might not be anything you had considered before.

Men and Women are wired differently, men are “blessed” with logical analytical brains (Paradigm, not universal fact I know), bringing that trait to bear on relationships which are often quite emotionally focused is not really very easy. The simple exercise of trying to objectively think about your relationship however, can help you to calm down a bit, honest.

It’s a “dynamic system” which you are a part of (a “cog in a machine” if you like), all systems can be tweaked to improve how they function…

you may not need to effect seismic changes, little things over time can improve everyone’s happiness…

I think cookeaa 😀 is a chick trying to get one over on us fellas!!

If Jesus rode mountain bikes…

Are you saying that Jesus didn’t ride a mountain bike? 😯 Burn the heretic! 👿

There’s no way that he could have been a roadie; beard, sandals, etc. Probably a singlespeeder; good chance that he rode a Jones IMO.

You sound like me from a few years ago…

Don’t have an affair.

I did and it messed me, her and her up.

beard, sandals, etc

Bet he was a member of ctc

Cookeaa – needs to write a book ‘Subliminal Wife Management’.

cookeaa – please tell me to shut up if you should so wish but this ‘secretly managing’ ? Really? Just sounds a bit, er, odd. Are you sure that your wife is OK?

I think I like cookeaa.

I think cookeaa is a chick trying to get one over on us fellas!!

If he/she is I might see if I can marry him/her

cookeaa sounds like his wife’s carer

I’m with cinnamongirl here, you call it “passively managing” I call it “enabling a selfish needy narcissist” but each to their own I guess and if it works for both of you then why not ?

cookeaa – great post! :)but does the missus not realise AT ALL?

cookeaa’s post was indeed great, but back to the OP

My wife is a nightmare, who obviously needs cookeaa style management, but that aside IME it doe’s not get easier, sorry 🙁

If I had a partner that went round organising keys and bags just to keep order and ensure smooth running of things I would notice but wouldn’t complain

And why narcissism? I am guessing he doesnt go round the house saying look at how great I am whilst doing it – and if it prevents stress he is doing it for an easy life more than anything surely? Being a mum of 4 I cant see its much different to me constantly sorting stuff – I do it for no other reason than it makes my life easier