Relationship problems…

Lifes conundrum.

She wants to have babies. Life is fun. Babies arrive and grow up, demanding much time and resources. Children become a priority. Work to pay for everything becomes a priority. Life turns into a drudge of too much work and a loveless, passionless marriage. Why am I doing this?

One day the thought comes – do we really love each other? Are we having any fun? We talk, we try to fix it, but the same problems keep coming back. In the end we talk less. And less.

Separating would be so much hassle, but life together is so very loveless and boring.

The I find someone. Someone amazing. Reality dawns. I want this person, but I am honestly scared of the consequences of separation.

Any positive, real life advice out there?

Eh? So you make eachother miserable, you don’t have kids….. move on. Life is just too short. Just don’t be cheating along the way.. If you’ve met someone who could make you happy then end one relationship then head to the next. Overlap will make it a million times harder.if you really think there is nothing with your wife anymore then let her go.

Just watch you don’t repeat the pattern…

…..Babies arrive

you don’t have kids…..

?????

As long as the other person isn’t hora, cynic-al, binners, elfin, or me, you’ll be fine. Maybe.

I can’t help but think you are painting a very black picture of the whole breeding thing; it ain’t that bad!

Think you’ve really got to look at why you prefer the new person over what you already have. Is it they have more hobbies in common? Is it you just talk more? Is it you laugh more?

If its the second two, what stops you doing those things with who your with now? Have you simply just got complacent with each other being around and stopped appreciating what it was you first fell in love with?

Ever thought about doing “date nights”, time set aside to explore what got you together in the first place? Going to the restaurant/pub you first met at? Meet each other there as if your just showing up at a date so theres no “hurry up we’re gonna be late” element beforehand to ruin the mood. Tried literally taking just a tent and sleeping bags and wild camping for the weekend, only each other for company and entertainment? Forraging for wood, working together to survive the weekend in the wilderness? Spontaneous weekend away to either somewhere in the UK, or Paris etc? Random texts with sweet nothing’s to rekindle some romantic thoughts? Leave a little love note in the other halfs wallet and see what reaction you get? Anything to see if you can get that initial spark back. If it happens, talk about ths dry spot and how you never want to go back there when your settled and in love with each other again.

Keep kids out of the equation all together until you are certain the path you’ve chosen is the right one for you.

If no spark comes back, time for deep thinking there ……

I think he has kids.

It’s a toughie. Been there or something similar. The step is scary but was worth it.

hmmmmmm sounds so familiar 😯

I’ve been there and done it, run off with the other woman.

It didn’t work.
Your situation isn’t the problem, your attitude to it is.
It’s you who needs to get your act together…I guess you aren’t going to run off and take the kids with you, are you?

You need to chill……..you think too much ..

I might not be as materially wealthy as some, but when I read posts like this, I realise how lucky I am.

On a serious note, i got very good advice from my bro, if you aint 100% happy in life then you aint doing it right, so if a current situation is making u “not happy” then try to change it in the best way you can, its easy to sit and roll out sayings ,grass aint allways greener… Blah blah but life is a journey with many choices, do what YOU think is right.
I had a serious relationship with a woman who had everything (i thought) she was good looking, funny, good job etc lived together etc then things went weird, long nights at her mates etc basically she was shagging one of my employees (doorman) and hed done the same to me years earlier but lepard n.spots another chance etc, she went packing and i started to see another girl, had a row split up and bumped into the ex, drinks and apologies slpet together etc then she just left,

Que months of other women n the single life and i met my current wife happy and we make a brill team, theres talk of children and shes quite set on the fact but im not quite ready as i feel i havent “
Done” what ive wanted to do in my life, shes understanding but i am comming round to the fact and would love a mini me running round, but not just yet, iv had the **** moments like looking at what my mates are up to n the drunken nights out etc but, im 100% happy and thats where i want to be.

Don’t take any notice of the cranks on here, if you ain’t happy, do one. (Like my 1st mrs did, after which we were both happy!) The kids were/are too actually.
Someone’s gonna come along & mention a marriage councellor in a minute. Don’t bother unless you want it to work.

Some relationships are just not meant to be. However, ask yourself, how much more of a drudge might it be working to support two families?

Ah I see where you are now. Try re-igniting. Why dont you plan a weekend in Paris?

If it is dead though- you only have one life.

druidh, that is one problem, my kids are technically adults now, one living away one living back at home. But thay aren’t supporting themselves fully, and my wife isn’t exactly financially self sufficient and I wouldn’t want her suffering just because our relationship didn’t work out.

This has been going on for (10 plus) years. We have tried to fix it. I have been convinced for years that I am the third or fourth priority in her life. And enough feels like enough.

The other person allows me to feel good about being myself. Simple as that.

Thankyou all for your answers here. Food for thought.

Kona ona appearing in American Beauty..

@OP one thing I would say is that in my experience having your head turned by someone new is always more appealing – the first flushes of love, the physicality, the freshness of a new relationship means the new person can do no wrong in your eyes. You don’t have to deal with the drudgery of life like putting the bins out or cleaning the bathroom, or discussing what’s for tea, sorting out the life insurance etc with this new person, and if they feel the same way about you then it’s a massive ego massage too. Thing is, the new person soon becomes a fixture in your life and the same mediocrity will return 🙂

I guess I’m saying don’t take what you have got for granted, but ultimately if you’re miserable and can’t see a way forward, maybe calling it a day is the only option?

Thing is, the new person soon becomes a fixture in your life and the same mediocrity will return

That depends on which way you look at things. Having been in the situation myself, you can also learn some serious lessons from a failed long term relationship/marriage, if you’ve any sense. You can look where it went wrong and why – for example where the mediocrity and compacency comes in – and make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes. And if you then meet someone else with a similar attitude, then you’re laughing

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. But make any decision with a long term view. As you’ve said….

Separating would be so much hassle

What… more hassle than feeling unfulfilled, and short changed for the rest of your life? Seriously? Any hassle is a short term, albeit painful experience. But its the rest of your life!

…..Babies arrive

you don’t have kids…..

?????

mis read that as her wanting babies, him not. Either way, if you are miserble then maybe give it one last shot and try and seriously work out the problems or walk away. Don’t be pinning your hopes on someone you think may make you happy just because they are new and shiney and different. Grass isn’t always greener.

Anyway, I’ve probably got the wrong end of the stick cos I’ve not read through the rest of the thread but hope you are ok and it works out whichever way you go.

Sounds like some good and varied advice on here.
You story sounds like mine… though I maybe a few years ahead of you.

I didn’t make the move… and I’m miserable. Gave it last goes, been to couples counselling, individual counselling… still not feeling it. We know we would not be together if it wasn’t for the kids.

I very much agree with comments above regarding new love then becoming old and also agree that we can hopefully learn from our mistakes and put more effort in – i.e exactly what Binners said.

Anyway – who said the definition of real love is love that lasts forever?

I wish I could take my own advice… maybe one day I will be strong and confident enough to…..

Good luck to you

Why repeat?

You’ve both tried and failed.

You found someone new.

Ask her about future plans.

Divorce wife, lose money but make sure you are all
happy.

See a solicitor first before you do any stupid things.

Make sure new lady is a long term thing.