Quick ! Tell me a joke, I need to cheer up a lovley lady NOW …..

blah

Try: http://www.sickipedia.org/

It’s important to blow your own trumpet sometimes, I did then I had spare ribs to celebrate 🙂

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato, Father
Potato, and their three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest
daughter spoke up.

“Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make”.

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m
getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
“Married!… That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Jersey Royal!” …. “A Jersey Royal!” replied Mother
Potato with pride. “Oh, a Jersey Royal is a fine tater, a fine tater
indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter
spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato, said with conviction.

“I, too, am getting married!”

“And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying a King Edward,” beamed the middle daughter.

“A King Edward!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, a King Edward is a
lovely posh tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother
Potato?…Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you,
but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement…”All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you
marrying, youngest Daughter?”

“I’m marrying John Inverdale!”

“John Inverdale?!”..Mother Potato scowls, “But he’s just a common tater!”

Whats the difference between a dirty bustop and a cosmetically enhanced lobster.

Ones a Crusty Bus Station the other is Busty Crustacean.

Fringe’s funniest joke

Two blokes on top of a hill. One says to the other
“look at that flock of cows over there”
“heard of cows” the other replied”
“of course I’ve heard of cows” said the first man “there’s a flock of them over there”

Two chimps in a bath. One says to the other
“oo oo oo aa aa aa”
The other replies
“well put some cold water in then you ****”

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Guaranteed blowjob.

“I bet you a pound that I can make your boobs wobble without touching them”

These are better than most of the gags on that Fringe list.

😆

What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

(See if she blushes)

Brilliant ! keep ’em coming (so to speak)

Why do communists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneeded a poo.

Just bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

Try this one on her…

You: What’s the difference between a sandwich and a blowjob?

Her: I don’t know.

You: Would you like to come for a picnic?

(Money back if you don’t get your oats)

Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and says
“Vincent, do you want a pint?”
Van Gogh replies
“No thanks, I’ve got one ‘ere.”

A drunk walks into a bar and starts to tell the barman a blonde joke,
When a blonde woman sat at a table nearby says “oi, I am the women’s Olympic judo gold medalist and I am blonde.
My friend on my left is the women’s heavy weight boxing Olympic gold medalist and she’s blonde and my friend on the right is the woman’s tae Kwan do Olympic gold medalist , and she is blonde.

“Now do you still want to tell your blonde joke.”

“No” said the drunk “not if I am going to have to explain it three times ”

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window ‘Pianist wanted for
evening performances’.

‘F*cking get in there you c*nt!’ he says to himself and goes to the bar.
‘Get the f*cking manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt’, he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ‘Can I help you sir?’ he says

‘Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I’m here to audition…..w*nker.’

The manager is naturally put off by the man’s abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
‘Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?’

‘That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called “Excuse me prime minister but I
just jizzed in your daughter’s eye, and now the c*nts blind…’

‘Oh’ says the manager ‘err, can you play me another. Something a little
less “lively”.’

‘W*nker..’ interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

‘That little number was called “Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get crap on your bell end.’

‘I see’ says the manager, ‘Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?’

‘Well there’s my jazz number “Do you want me to split your ringpiece”, or
there’s the epic “I don’t care if you’re older my dear, you’ve still got
nice jugs”.

‘Look’ says the manager interrupting, ‘I think you’re a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little “racy”. I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.’

‘f*ck it’ says the pianist ‘Why not’.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.’Hi’ she
says. ‘Hello’ he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, ‘Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?’

‘Know it?’

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

‘I f*cking wrote it !!!’

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan.

The egg turns to the sausage and says “**** me, it’s hot in here!”

The sausage turns to the egg and says “**** me, a talking egg!!!”

1.) It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.
2.) Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
3.) A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
4.) René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.
5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
6.) Yo momma’s so classless… she could be a Marxist utopia.
7.) Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.
8.) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
9.) Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
10.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11.) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!”
12.) How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
13.) What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
15.) There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
16.) An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
17.) A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
18.) Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
19.) I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.
20.) What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
21.) What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

My dog, Minton, keeps eating all my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton.

A woman went to her doctor:

“Doctor, since you put me on those steroids I’ve grown a penis!”

“Anabolic?”

“No, just a penis.”

Two drunks leaving a pub bump into a nun.
When one of the drunks knocks her to the floor then lays in with his boot.
As they walk away he turns to his mate and says ” I thought batman would have been harder than that”

Two Jewish gentlemen are walking down the road when one finds a pay packet with £400 pound in it.
His friend turns to him and says ” Avi, you are the luckiest person I know”

“Lucky” says Avi “have you seen the tax I am paying”

Racist, some may say, funny yes.

I once lived next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics.

They had a lot of skeletons in their closet.

what do you call a great stick?

fanta stick

from my 10 year old daughter.

nbt – 3 made me laugh far more than it should have done; don’t get 5 or 14!

I sold my vacuum cleaner
It was just gathering dust

I once saw a pig sat in a field with some paints, some brushes and an easel. I asked what he was doing and he replied, “A self porktrait”.

What do you call a grumpy cow?

Moooody 🙂

5 – Sodium = Na
14 – me neither but I did just copy and paste the whole list 😉

How ironic.

Why didn’t the seagulls fly across the bay?

Because then they’d be bay gulls (bagels). 😐

What’s pink and hard ?

A pig with a flick knife.

5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na- Batman!

I have a dog named Fruit Pastilles

He’s always rowntrees

ba-dum-dum-tchhhhh

How ironic.

Or is it?

How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas!

What’s the difference between a woman and a w@nk?

Mmm…maybe not that one.

An Alsatian and a Labrador are sat in the vets waiting room, when the Labrador turns to the Alsatian and asks “what are you in for”.

“Well said the Alsatian, the other morning my owner went to work and did not close the door properly, so I did what every good guard dog should and went to sleep by front door”.

“Then I heard the creek of the front gate and then his footsteps”.
“Now I new I should not have done it and I knew it was wrong, but I just could not stop myself”.
” i flung the front door open and savaged the postman, when I say savaged I mean I gave him a proper savaging”.
“So now, I am in for castration”.
“What are you in for “.

” well ” said the Labrador, the other morning I was asleep in my bed in kitchen when in walked my mistress wearing nothing but a very short, flimsy baby doll nighty”
“She walked up to the worktop, flicked on the kettle ,opened the fridge and bent over to get the milk”.

Now I knew I should not have done it and I knew it was wrong, but I just could not stop myself”.
“I ran over jumped up at her back and gave her a rogering , now when I say rogering I mean I gave her a proper rogering “.

“Ah” said the Alsatian “so it’s castration for you too “.
“No” said the Labrador “I am in to have my nails clipped”.