Dark and Moody, and not in a sexy and moody way, but as in having a strop on.
It’s that time of year again, I’m trying to organise a trip to the Alps, unusually I’m find it hard to get numbers – last year 9 went, this year, 2 of us, maybe 3-4. Lot of people seem to have given up riding on the quiet recently, this is making me sad, hurtling towards middle-age and my only social circle is getting smaller.
Equally, here comes the usual arguments, emotional blackmail, and barrier building on the home front. Oh you’d think I was asking her to crawl across the artic unaided. What makes it worse is that She wants to go on a trip without me this year, it’s far more expensive and longer – I was completely supportive – but even that is used against me – apparently I’m only supportive because I want to use it as a tool so I can go away, WTAF? I am always supportive in whatever she wants to do, I just take shit for everything – we’ve covered all that now, well for the time-being, she doesn’t feel as if she’s done her job right until I’m some broken by it all, I’d rather it never happened. Now comes the bankruptcy phase – I foolishly mentioned I was going to book the digs soon, oh suddenly we have a million pounds of unavoidable expenses this month, just to make it even harder.
Couple that with trying to appease everyone else who wants to go, but only if everything suits them perfectly and you find yourself in a situation when you’re fighting two fronts and wonder if it’s all worth it, and really it’s not – it’s not all that great, but if you give up this, then there’s very little left in life that’s just for you and you become one of those broken sad-case men who spend the rest of their life chauffeuring around their over-bearing wives from shop to shop, with their grey emotionless face staring into the abyss, not daring to open their mouth or they’ll take so much shit, for so long they’re just break you again. I’m not going to see out the next 40 year for that, so I fight to keep this tiny bit of personal time with the very person who’ll suffer as equally as me if I lose, more than just for a few days on a French mountain in the pouring rain scared to death as I slide from rock to rock.
Life seems like a lot of endless graft at the moment. The little specks of joy I get come with so much heartache they’re not worth it. It’s like the universe it pushing me towards the social norm – Work, Eat, TV, Work, Eat, TV, Work, Eat, TV and occasionally when it all gets too much, a gut full of booze. But only from big glasses from fancy bottles so it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to numb the pain, it’s sophisticated… everyone would be content, if not happy.