Other 1/2 says "I need some space" Suggestions please!

House near me has a shipping container in the driveway!

Linky

buy her a shipping container – loads of space.

If you get her one on a boat, there’s loads of space to be had at sea… 😉

And I guess she can have a few months worth of time if its long haul. Brilliant idea. Got any chloroform?

going through something similar, having just moved to Finland to be with ‘her indoors’. It’s a stressful situation.

I wouldn’t move out. It may be a test of how easily you’ll leave or that she can get rid of you. If she wants space, she should go find it. Looks like woody2000 may be able to help! If not, there are many uninhabited islands here in finland which can be used 😉

If she has already also told her friends that she is looking for more space, then it could be time to build the new patio you always wanted.

A mate of mine with two kids moved out recently. His wife changed the locks within a few days and he is still paying the mortgage plus she has hit him with a CSA letter. She earns more than him.

Move back in – would be my advice mate.

Other half said she wanted some space.
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So I put up a set a shelves.

if you are named as the father on the kids birth certificates then you have equal rights as the mother, unless they were born before 2003, then you have to apply to court for it. (parental responsibility)
hth.

MSP – Member

If she has already also told her friends that she is looking for more space, then it could be time to build the new patio you always wanted.

…Like your thinking!

My eldest son was born before 2003 but he’s very much a daddies boy so if push came to shove i don’t think access would be a problem.

A mate of mine with two kids moved out recently. His wife changed the locks within a few days and he is still paying the mortgage plus she has hit him with a CSA letter. She earns more than him.

The women are always the winners!

The women are always the winners!

Not if you play the game properly. And that involves finding out your rights as a father / householder before you make any rash decisions. I would reiterate my earlier advise… DO NOT MOVE OUT, or you will most likely not get back in and be stuck paying the mortgage.

Looks like i need to visit a family solicitor and try and get some advice. I suppose it certainly can`t hurt to get the lowdown and walk into this with my eyes wide open.

Eyes wide open is certainly better than being bent over and…

if push came to shove i dont think access would be a problem.

I think you need to get some legal advice.

The partner with ‘possession’ of the kids can make things very difficult for the other one if things get nasty.

Women arent always neccesarily the winners. I negotiated the financial side of things and access terms etc during my divorce. I got better than 50/50 despite my solicitor telling me It’ll never, ever get through court. It did. Pick the bones out of the advice you are given but push for what YOU ultimately want and deserve.

PS. Sympathies for the OP’s situation. Been through something like that myself, once. Only she didn’t find a millionaire, she found a part-time cinema usher!

probably wanted someone who could find the right aisle quickly and easily

Wouldn’t it be worth talking to the lady concerned before the solicitor. You don’t seem to know exactly what “more space means” so it might be worth asking. Are your sexual demands unwelcome? Do you hog the TV remote? Do you leave a trail of mess wherever you go? None of us is perfect but some imperfections are easier to live with than others and some might merit her need for a break from them.

Book her a couple of weeks at switchbacks or rivierabike. you can always change the name on the booking…

You right Edukator. There is still plenty to get to the bottom of but without blowing my own trumpet i have worked bloody hard to support our family taking on a 70/30 in terms of childcare and cooking for about 5 years. The past few she has had to step up and take on more responsibility as i had to up the anti at work due to spending a year asking massive favors from my boss over working hours so she could do a PGCE course. And was this appreciated . Our survey says X

while Im on a rant i cant even go out on my bike as the frame snapped and i`m waiting for a replacement. Bollox

@ camo16,
he wasnt actually a millionaire, he was actually a professional bullshitter,
told her he was gonna sell 4 or 5 of his houses, pay off his ex and he should have enough left over for a new ferrari.
she believed the lot.
i asked her ‘how do you know this guy youve never met is a millionaire?’ she replied ‘because he told me’
i said ‘i realise he told you, but how do you know?’
her reply ‘he told me, i trust him’
needless to say, he wasnt a millionaire.

I bet that hurt.

If the relationship hasn’t been good for a while, then get out of it – you have the rest of your life to enjoy. As others have said, talk to her, and don’t make any hasty moves.

We seem to be forgetting that you are a family unit. Since when does her wanting ‘some space’ equate to removing you from the family unit and your house? Does the whole family want space away from you?

If she wants space, she can leave. Don’t be mean about it though, I’d give her 48 hours notice.

P.S. You could even show willing by being helpful and packing her bags for her while she’s out!

i`m waiting for a replacement. Bollox

When your replacement bollox turn up, you can use them to MTFU and tell her you’re not going anywhere but that she can take as much time as she needs.

Joking aside, I’m getting the impression that you’ve spent far too long going ‘yes dear’ for a quiet life. There’s no shame, we’ve all done it. But you’re running a very real risk of making a rod for your own back here, IMHO.

“I’ve had a think about it, and you’re right, you should take time for yourself. When will you be back?”

sorry OP 🙁 , but my bet is that she’s already taken legal advice. you should do the same and not move anywhere at least until then

“I’ve had a think about it, and you’re right, you should take time for yourself. When will you be back?”

was pretty much almost what I said in the same position. Cue awkward silence except for a large penny dropping.
Can’t reiterate enough that while it all sounds a bit scary some quality advcie NOW will save you hassle later ($ and headfuk). And while not wishing to be the voice of doom “I need space’ unfortunately means “I have a space which is being filled by someone else” whether or not it is a good idea.

So you’re making a contribution, far from a dead weight, and she still wants shot. How does she think she’s going to get along without you? No babysitter, no-one to cover when kids are at home sick, no-one to share the chores, deal with the crap that lands in the letterbox, less income. Either she has a replacement lined up or she’s going to work very hard for her “space” and suffer financially.

I wouldn’t contact a solicitor yet but I might hire a private detective. I hired a private detective in a business context, very efficient she was too. I think it would be unfair on yourself, your kids and ever her if you made decisions without having fully understood her motivations.

So after a further talk it seems that she has plenty of issues and will be doing one at the weekend for a couple of days. Doubt it will sort the problems out as she has no idea of what she wants. Basically thinks she gets no support = Bollocks / is bored of family life and chores = tough shit / only really enjoys the kids = don`t we all.
Thanks for all suggestions. It gave me plenty to think about and saved many a rash decision. Well done STW’ers – good job.
p.s. there will be a box container on the drive when she gets back.

Without coming over all Mumsnet on you – what do YOU want to happen ? I mean, it’s a 2 way thing a relationship – what you get out of it is as important as what the other half does. Also, what you get out should be influenced by what you put in. Sounds like she is bored or looking for an easy excuse. Saying that, if you’ve decided that for your reasons you do not want to persue or fight for it then equally you should get out.

Top tip would be wait for her return and drop the shipping container on her perhaps 😯 That was a joke 😀

Mooly:

Whatever you decide to do make sure you have a certificate of parental responsibilty. Without it you only have a financial obligtion to the children and your (ex?)partner can make it hugely difficult and distressing to see your kids.

If you decide to call it in then also make sure you have an access agreement in writing that is signed by both of you. One drawn up by a solicitor will obviously hold more clout but having something in wriyting will make it that much easier to maintain access should it get hideous.

If you leave then contact the CSA yourself and find out from them what you need to pay and make arrangements to do so. If she says she doesnt want to go through the CSA then get this in writing. Any financial agreements you come to get in writing.

Above all and no matter what do not get abusive, rude, offensive etc despite whatever provocation may come your way and how hard it gets. Always concentrate fully on maintaining the relationship with your children above all else.

From experience walking away from your home and children is without doubt the biggest mindf##k I have ever known and if it comes to this you’ll have my sincerest sympathy’s.

However hard it gets they WILL always be worth it.

Hope thats not all hyper preachy but having had to fight to keep contact with my son I know how difficult can be.

Sounds as though there could be some depression going on here. Perhaps she needs to see a GP?

If you just accept that the relationship is over, then you will always wonder if you should have tried harder.

cinnamon_girl – She has been suffering from depression and was on anti depressents last year but didnt stay on them as decided that they werent working.
We also had counselling for a while which I found helpful but again she thought that it was all about her problems and depression and she was being ganged up on.
The problem is that I offer help and it is not accepted and then at a later date i get accused of not offering emotional support. Women hey!

“Basically thinks she gets no support = Bollocks / is bored of family life and chores = tough shit / only really enjoys the kids = don`t we all.”

Ok this is the first bit of this thread I have read… and taking at face value what you have put here your are not at fault at all, or interested in helping sort the issues, and its you who has the attitude.

It takes two to Tango and all that

Ok this is the first bit of this thread I have read…

So you skipped out on reading the back story and then though the best answer was to criticise him for being simplistic and not wanting to help the other party?

The problem is that I offer help and it is not accepted and then at a later date i get accused of not offering emotional support. Women hey!

Help and emotional support are different things. Not meaning to have a pop at you btw.

stayhigh + 1

“If you leave then contact the CSA yourself and find out from them what you need to pay and make arrangements to do so. If she says she doesnt want to go through the CSA then get this in writing. Any financial agreements you come to get in writing.”

2 kids will very roughly equal 20% of your income (assuming you do the alternate w/e thing and have them for holiday time).

IME be very suspicious of the “I need some space” line as it indicates she’s already moved you out of her head.
My ex- went the through the whole depression GP thing as well. Given the pattern of my-ex’s subsequent relationships she’s unhappy inside her head and no amount of pills/surgery/wealthy men will fix that….

Ignoring the kids for a minute. Is there still love? If not it might be broken.

Love. I think you may have to dig down a long way to find that under everything else that’s going on. Sadly.