Other 1/2 says "I need some space" Suggestions please!

So the story goes as many have done before.
In a long term relationship with a couple of kids and things aren`t going too well. In fact things are pretty shit at home.
We have been through counselling last year and things slightly improved for a time but then back around to the same point early this summer and the relationship takes a nose dive.
Last night I was asked if i could give her some space which loosely translates to can you pack your bags.
Obviously I`m feeling fairly shit but would welcome some sound advice regarding what to do.
Thanks in advance.

who owns the house? (if it was my house then her wanting space would mean her packing her bags and vacating for a bit)

take the kids on holiday, leave her at home alone for some space.

Last night I was asked if i could give her some space which loosely translates to can you pack your bags.

She needs some space, so you have to leave? How much ‘space’ is she going to have with the kids around? Hm.

Do you do things apart, on your own or with friends, ever? Sometimes, “I’d like some time to myself” simply means “I’d like some time with myself.”

There’s more space outside of the house than there is in it, so the logical conclusion is that she leaves. There will also be more space around her if she doesnt take the kids, so the logical conclusion there is that you keep them.

Its a shared house althoigh I am paying the majority of bills. I don`t think there is much chance of her giving herself her own space as i suggested that she finds somewhere else but her needs of being with the kids are apparently important than mine.
Trying not to get to bitter about it but can feel the obligiatory F@3K OFF then on the end of my tongue.

Stick to your guns. I’d be making her kip on the couch too.

had that exact conversation with my ex.
we talked, and talked, and talked through the problems we had.
she agreed to try and make things work, then immediately went online and found a ‘millionaire’ businessman from hertfordshire and **** off 3 months later.
ime ‘i need some space’= ive already found someone else.
thats been my experience, i hope it doesnt turn out to be yours bro.
sorry if that sounds negative, its not meant to be, 8 years on im a lot happier now than i ever was with my ex.

Can’t you buy her a star? Or at least pay to have one named after her?

she agreed to try and make things work, then immediately went online and found a ‘millionaire’

How’d you do that, exactly?

Not that I’m in the market. Just for future reference.

PS. Sympathies for the OP’s situation. Been through something like that myself, once. Only she didn’t find a millionaire, she found a part-time cinema usher!

I try not to thiink about the possibility of there being someone else but of course it crosses your mind.
Without being to negative she has some close friends that are also single with kids and I sometimes think that that is exactly the life that she is after.
Obviously i have said this as it has been a concern of mine and she just mentions that she is very strong minded and isn’t influenced / pursuaded by other but I can`t help thinking – Really?

I try not to thiink about the possibility of there being someone else but of course it crosses your mind.

Have you asked her?

Does that not just look paranoid? and i would be surprised if she was honest about it anyway, as wouldn`t that just hand the kids over to me as she would have forced the end of the relationship?

DONT MOVE OUT!

If she needs space then she needs to go and find it. You move out, next thing you know you will be paying the mortgage and watching her new bloke move in.

Repeat.. DO NOT MOVE OUT, not even for one night.

Read this!

I wouldn’t say it’s paranoid, the thought’s crossed your mind after all.

If she is seeing someone else, it gives her an opening to tell you, or forces her to lie brazenly. Can you tell when she’s lying?

Mooly – i would stop worrying about how things ‘look’ and find out exactly how things are.

You need to know what ‘i want some space means’. If it means I want you to move out then you need to get your head together, find a flat for her, go see a solicitor, start documenting what’s happening and have a throrough check through your finances.

take control of the situation and make the best of it for you.

make her move out and enjoy your freedom, best move I ever made (no kids involved here though so that might change your desicion)

its only crap for the first few months then its amazing 🙂

if its just not right then no amount of time will make it so, we wasted 2 very emotionally draining years trying to make it work.

Find all the cash you can, go to the bank and borrow as much more as you can and put it into an account in a French or German bank, think of all the things you’ve ever wanted to do but haven’t because of wife, kids and financial constraints. Pack a rucksack and go walkabout for a year sending the wife and kids e-mails and pics of your adventures.

When you come back they’ll all either throw their arms around your shoulders or the locks will have been changed.

Went through all this earlier this year. Never been happier now mate on my own with joint residency of my kids. The ex has found that the grass is perhaps not quite so green after all. Tough times for you mate, but it will get better.

wow.. I’ve heard this exact story from a family member recently.. even to the whole ‘she’s being influenced by her single friends’ ego/denial trip

for what it’s worth.. the guy I know relented and moved out..
then he got very bitter and twisted for a few months as he watched his partner doing exactly as she pleased in the home that he had created with his own hard work..
then he was able to be very smug as his ex partner fearfully realised that the grass just isn’t greener..
during which time he had got himself a new job and a nice little place to live..
he is now thoroughly enjoying being a part time single parent without waking up to the harrowing weight of a failing relationship on his shoulders every morning..

If I was you I would take the break but make sure that you get half access to the kids.. enjoy the freedom

leaving my kids would feel like being flayed alive though..
you have my sympathies

yossarian – Seems like some good sound advice. Its is how I feel at the moment. We did have a discussion and she is pretty certain that i need to move out for a couple of week but i dont see myself returning if that happens. maybe thats for the good.
the problem is, is that the end? Seems a bit dramatic, my kids are everything to me and over the last 7 years i have had a massive influence on their time working full time and also taking on alot of parental resposabilties. cant help feeling somewhat cheated after all this effort which I in no way begrudge.

Been through this myself and its the kids that are the emotional “magnet”, GF’s/partners/wives can come and go, you get over them pretty quickly but the kids are the really important factor in the equation. Definately “look after” yourself, thats crucial but also your priority should be the little ones. Trust me its VERY difficult at first living fulltime with them and then all of a sudden switching to fortnightly or whatever access you have.
Play the game, try and keep things “civil” and try to keep a cool, clear head…Good luck man.

Couples often just move apart emotionally, the love can just fade away, it can be hard to face up to, but its doesn’t mean you should treat it as a war with your partner as some seem to suggest.

What do you actually want?
You mention if you moved out you prob wouldn’t move back in which to me sounds like you have had enough of the relationship. If thats the case, and thats fine by the way, you have two options depending on if you want to have a flat or live in the house with the kids.

1. Take the oppurtunity and leave.

2. Tell her if she want the space you’re more than happy for her to have it but your not willing to walk out on the kids, ergo she can have her space when she moves out.

If you actually want to make things work then I would suggest either option two or if she only wants a short space of time on her own then take the kids away on holiday for a fortnight. You get quality time with the kids, she gets her space. no one has to move out.

Good luck in whatever you decide fella

Hmmm, far be it from me to comment, but it won’t end well. Use this policy..

gravitysucks – well put. Im not really sure what I want to be honest. When i mention moving out and not wanting to move back in i guess its because i dont want to be on a yoyo. i.e. I need some space. Actually its fine move back in please.
Im really dont want this to turn out nasty but get the idea that it might which is very sad as i can`t be arsed with getting all twisted over it.

I would 2nd what gravitysucks says. If nothing else by pushing either of those options you will find out soon enough if she does “want some space” or she just wants you out the door and gone. Once you know which it is you can make sure you respond accordingly.

She wants the space – she moves out. simple as that.

Find out WHAT she means about wanting space? Is she expecting you (or her) to actually move out, or perhaps just take a step back.

I went through this with my wife (then fiancee) when she was having self-doubt about getting married. We still shared a bed and carried on like two people sharing the same space (we just stopped any touching). She did things with her friends more, I did things with my friends more/went riding.

When she got her head straight things went back to as they were.

I know probably my experience isn’t quite the norm, but it does happen – she genuinely just needed a bit more space from me – and the fact I was willing to allow it and not crowd her, push her for answers etc meant she was able to get her head straight in her own time.

EDIT: And perhaps she respected me as being my own person, rather than being dependant on her, I don’t know?

Talk talk and then talk some more. You need to know how she is feeling and why she wants space.

Don’t do anything until you get an answer. You have kids and this could affect them.

Thanks again – another sceneario to think about.
I wish it was like your situation but I think in my heart of hearts that this may not really resolve itself although prt of me wishes it would.
The other thing is maybe this is the oppportunity to make a clean break and move on but I have to say slightly shitting my pants about how emotionally challenging this will be.

The other thing is maybe this is the oppportunity to make a clean break and move on but I have to say slightly shitting my pants about how emotionally challenging this will be.

Looking into a tunnel like this can be scary, when you look from the other side more often than not you realise it was for the best.

(Apart from the above, I went through the mill pretty badly in 1991 – 2 months away from getting married to be told something similar by my (another) fiancee). At the time I thought my world had imploded, but looking back I soon realised it made me happier in every way, I became really close to my brother (who is now my best friend in the world) and went on to have other (better) relationships culminating in finally getting married in 2007.

i would do what wifey asks as nothing will come of being awkward other than her resenting you. however you need to move out on your terms and in a manner that is good for the kids.

if you move out for a short period of time you will probably need to get a holiday flat or something as otherwise it will be difficult for the kids to stay over with you. them staying with you i think is really important as it keeps the bonds better and you keep proper daddy time. dont move far away as its a pain to pick up and drop off. it will ne expensive but stick to your guns, its whats best the kids and they are all that matters.

i wouldn’t do that having them for the day and giving them back thing. it sets a precedent and, from experiemce, is really bloody horrible.

i have my daughter roughly half the time so half a weekend (or a whole weekend depending on the rota) and one evening in the week (pick her up from school and drop her off the next day). tell work as they are likely to be sympathetic.

always tell wifey what you are doing and why.

good luck. i hope it works out.

Thankfully never been in this situation but have 2 close friends/work colleagues who have and I’ll re-iterate what has been said above.

Don’t move out. If you do the chances are high you won’t get back in again. If you do go on holiday, take the kids.

I hope things work out for you, but guard against the possibility that they don’t – don’t make any moves now that will prejudice your position with your kids at a later date.

Try to work out your problems but if it does come to the worst I wouldn’t move out mate. My Dad did this and my Mum took him to the cleaners.

Makes my piss boil when I see him scraping by representing himself in court and her swanning about in a flash new car, holidays, good wine living off the 66%+ of the house that my Dad paid the deposit and mortgage for and throwing Johnny Cochrane at him to squeeze everything out of him even though she cheated on him. She’s even trying to do him for the money he used to “give her some space” renting a flat.

That’s just my experience, i’d say get some proper advice on how to protect yourself in the event of it turning ugly.

Been through this earlier this year, fortunately no kids involved. But I’d echo what others have said here in that if she wants space, she should be the one to move out, whether or not she takes the kids with her.

I’m just finalising paying off my ex and transferring the joint mortgage into my name only. It hurts, but it gets better (and you can bring the bikes in/buy more of them, which is a silver lining, eh?)

Thanks for all your suggestions and advice. I really helps getting impartial advice and has given me plenty to think about.
I think i definately need to get some legal advice as we are not married so I would imagine i have much less rights to the Kids that if I was.
i cant help thinking that moving out would be the right thing but scepticle because of what happens if she turns around asnd says she wants me back. Dont think I would particualrly want that myself.
Time to buckle up for the ride i supose and see what happens.

I was in this situation at Xmas, but my daughter was only 3 months old, I spent 4 weeks on the Sofa and to tell you the truth the atmosphere in the house was not very nice. The relationship was long dead way before my daughter was born. I was fed up with her moaning about my friends, biking money etc etc – she humiliated me in front of her friends & family – I tried to talk to her but it always resulted in more domestic abuse – physical & mental.
The house is jointly owned, but I left the house back in January – yes times have been tough but Im starting to get my life back on track.

Mooly, have you parental responsibility? (not that it means jack shit), seeing as your not married the situation with the house ownership is a little bit more favourable than if you were married!

buy her a shipping container – loads of space.

buy her a shipping container – loads of space.

STW never ceases to amaze me, let the trolling begin