Most banal nonsense on packaging

Opening a bag of sultanas this morning to put some on my granola (hell yeah, that’s just the way I roll kids), and noticed that on the packaging it proudly states that they are, wait for it, “farm grown”. As opposed to them being free range sultanas I suppose.

You don’t use foraged wild sultanas on your breakfast cereal? You barbarian!

At the anti-food waste cafe I sometimes volunteer at, we were donated a load of bacon which used a “plant-based” cure. I’m sure vegans will love that.

On the flip side, a simple but clever label on a smoothie type drink (can’t remember what is was which is a shame) made me turn the bottle upside down to read it as part of it was upside down.

The label was ensuring I mixed the smoothie by turning the bottle over 🙂

You don’t use foraged wild sultanas on your breakfast cereal? You barbarian!

Hey, we all have to find our own way through the cost of living crisis

made me turn the bottle upside down to read it as part of it was upside down.

was that before or after you’d taken the lid off 🤔

Ladies and gents, allow me to present… drum roll…

Gluten Free… …ham? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My paddleboard has a little label on the top saying ‘Warning! Warning label is underneath’ 🤔

I always ‘enjoy’ the use of ‘Barn Eggs’ on some egg boxes.

Image conjured up

Reality

We have a ‘Cheese Farm’ near us. I have this vision of Edam cheeses sprouting out of the ground.

I boght some electrolytes from a health food shop. Gluten free and vegan apparently

In defense of “gluten free”, if you have a genuine allergy to it, then the starchy binding agents in electrolyte tabs, or the glue in “ham” 🤮 could both have enough to cause serious problems.

I always ‘enjoy’ the use of ‘Barn Eggs’ on some egg boxes.

Image conjured up

That’s caged eggs, barn eggs are a halfway free-range indoors. There’s minimum space and enrichment requirements, although they’re not great.

My personal favorite:

In defense of “gluten free”, if you have a genuine allergy to it, then the starchy binding agents in electrolyte tabs, or the glue in “ham” 🤮 could both have enough to cause serious problems.

yes, also anything which logically should be GF might not definitely be due to cross-contamination, depending on how stringent the manufacturing is.

GF ham, ham that’s not been prepared on the same line as breaded ham.

Barn eggs:

Interesting fact, only 2% of UK eggs were barn raised in 2020. https://www.thepoultrysite.com/articles/a-closer-look-at-the-cage-free-revolution

I’ve noticed that some of the cheese on the deli counter at Waitrose has a bold warning on it – “CONTAINS MILK”.

At the anti-food waste cafe I sometimes volunteer at, we were donated a load of bacon which used a “plant-based” cure. I’m sure vegans will love that.

Having needed to look into what goes in a traditional bacon curing solution recently I can only think this is aimed at making the process appear a bit less grim?

In defense of “gluten free”, if you have a genuine allergy to it, then the starchy binding agents in electrolyte tabs, or the glue in “ham” 🤮 could both have enough to cause serious problems.

Yeah, one of my kids is coeliac and the amount of gluten products that are used in products that should be absolutely gluten free is astonishing. My background is food development – ie I know about this stuff – and we still get caught out occasionally. My favourite GF thing, though, are GF recipe books filled with simple recipes that would never have any form of gluten in them anyway eg baked potatoes, vegetable soups, curries, fruit desserts…

GF ham, ham that’s not been prepared on the same line as breaded ham.

I was meaning cured ham like Serrano or Iberico, for example, as opposed to reformed gloop.

I’ve got a cucumber, which for unknown reasons came wrapped in plastic, there weren’t any which weren’t.
On this plastic packaging was a label helpfully telling me that it was suitable for vegetarians

GF ham, ham that’s not been prepared on the same line as breaded ham.

Actually had some breaded ham the other week that was labelled gluten free. Thought it was a bit odd, but…

Tesco crumbed ham, (actually missed out the ‘r’ from crumbed at first, which is a wholly different type of sandwich filling I don’t want!)

mattyfez

I was meaning cured ham like Serrano or Iberico, for example, as opposed to reformed gloop.

Then it’s mislabelled according to the codex alimentarius unless it has had gluten added to it so it can then me called “gluten free”.

Essentially a food can only be labelled “gluten free” if:
a) it naturally contains gluten that has been partly removed
OR
b) it is naturally no gluten but has had gluten added to it below the cut-off
OR
c) it is a product that would naturally contain gluten but the gluten containing ingredient has been substituted

if this seems to make no sense I’m just the messenger

The botanic gardens in Edinburgh sell bags of peanuts to feed the squirrels with a warning that they contain nuts

“Plant-based” always amuses/annoys me. Surely most plastic rubbish is plant-based, oil being made from (old) plants in the first place.

Most marketing guff in meaningless rubbish that applies to all products anyway, they just shout about it to make it sound good. See “farm-grown”.

I want to bring out a range of products with similar marketing, but backwards.

“Plant based” on plastic rubbish…
“Human faeces content well below industry standards!”
“Contains less than 0.1% insect parts!”
(on almonds) “Cyanide content in this packet is non-lethal”

I bought some deodorant once that claimed to “only work when you need it to” er as opposed to working when you don’t need it, which doesn’t matter because, you don’t need it, and how can you tell etc etc anyway it was such a ludicrous and pointless claim but I imagine it is hard to say anything new about deodorant.

Yep I thought that as I posted it! Gluten free bread is common so it’s nice to see them using it on ham.

I was meaning cured ham like Serrano or Iberico, for example, as opposed to reformed gloop.

And I was meaning carved British ham (not reformed) and not Serrano/Iberico ham where the pigs are confined for several months and castrated without pain relief, then ringed so they cannot forage in their free range paddocks. Even worse, I’ve stopped buying Parma ham since realising it’s from caged pigs.

I’ve got a cucumber, which for unknown reasons came wrapped in plastic, there weren’t any which weren’t.

Cucumbers will dry out too fast to be marketable without the plastic wrap. One case where it’s actually needed (assuming, of course, that we need to buy cucumbers)

No one needs cucumbers – food of the devil that taints everything it touches! 🙂

And I was meaning carved British ham (not reformed) and not Serrano/Iberico ham where the pigs are confined for several months and castrated without pain relief, then ringed so they cannot forage in their free range paddocks. Even worse, I’ve stopped buying Parma ham since realising it’s from caged pigs.

Sounds ike you’re comparing the top quality British ham to an industrially produced Spanish ham. The quality stuff definitely comes from free-ranging pigs.

I’ve got a cucumber, which for unknown reasons came wrapped in plastic, there weren’t any which weren’t.

Some of the supermarkets tried that, and they’re really gross about 24-48h after picking. They shrivel up and go from crispy to soggy.

We grow our own in the garden and they have to be eaten they day they were picked to be as “fresh” as supermarket ones.

Not text but why have sliced meat or cheese layed out in the wrapper so you need to pull the wrapping all the way down to get to the top piece?

why!

Cucumbers will dry out too fast to be marketable without the plastic wrap. One case where it’s actually needed

School day, thank you.  I bought one yesterday that didn’t, but it had a thicker skin than normal and wasn’t what they seem to refer to as ‘english cucumbers ‘

All cucumbers should be wrapped in Elon Musk’s finest space rocket and sent to the moon. Gross.

For reasons I get sent free tea every month from fortnum and masons. 15 silk teabags in a metal tin, wrapped in thick brown paper, and then shipped in a massive beautifully made cavity walled cardboard box. Shudder to think how much emissions and money could be saved with more sensible packaging.

Possibly the most upsetting thing about it all though is the shite twee marketing bollox about sustainable packaging printed on the lid.

I’ve already complained to Mr Fortnum on twitter, he was useless. I’ll try talking to Mrs Mason but if that doesn’t work I’m going to have to somehow stop it without seeming ungrateful for the monthly teabags.

Opening a bag of sultanas this morning…….. on the packaging it proudly states that they are, wait for it, “farm grown”.

That makes no sense at all ffs.

Surely they meant “vineyard grown”?

I would complain.

Opening a bag of sultanas this morning to put some on my granola

I read this without really paying attention as I was on the phone, and initially thought it said “on my grandma.”

Patriotic branding:

Nobody mentioned Brewdog yet? What a lot of shite on their labels.

Nobody mentioned Brewdog yet? What a lot of shite on their labels.

Also a load of shite inside the can.

Also a load of shite inside the can.

Yep, overpriced & very very ordinary.
Cucumber? Satans penis I tell thee.

@slowoldman – that is for the daily fail consumers