Singletrack's forums are sponsored by...

Forum sponsored by Saracen

Midlife Crisis.
 

Midlife Crisis.

23 Posts
22 Users
0 Reactions
33 Views
Offline  fervouredimage
Free Member
Topic starter
 
Share this post

Like everyone I've probably made flippant remarks to people about having a midlife crisis. The usual stuff about buying a sports car, dressing like your in your 20's again and so on. But a couple of weeks ago it hit my like a bolt out of the blue and honestly it's been really really painful.

I'm 41 and bizarrely if started with hearing a song I haven't heard for nearly 25 years and from that point on the wave of emotion has hit me like a shovel. I have never cried as much in my life. I honestly spent two days in tears. My wife was really worried but that is also due to depression/anxiety that have blighted me since I was 20. It's been a tough few years after losing both my parents in 2021 and much of my little business being lost to the pandemic, so it didn't help that my own sense of mortality has been on my the back of my mind for a while.

But this past two weeks the endless sense of looking back, missing the past, missing my youth, missing my 'old life', missing old friends I never kept in touch with, regretting decisions, regretting things I didn't do, regretting where I've ended up and the overwhelming sense of how quickly the years have gone by and therfore how quickly the remainder of my years are going to go but also how lonely I feel that I have no connection to my past anymore. My parents are gone, my childhood home is sold, I have no family or connection to where I grew up. It's all just fizzled away and nothing but memories which I'm fixated on.

I'm currently in the stage of rejecting everything current so ive been listening to music from the 90s, watching old comedies and TV shows and films from the 90s.

I'm definitely stuck In a deep depression right now, which I know will pass as it has done all my adult life in relentless cycles but this really painful emotional state I am in whereby I'm fixated on the past and consumed by it is just awful. One of the worst mental expriences I've had.

Apologies for that lengthy rant. I was just hoping some others here may have been through or gone though something similar and could offer some thoughts or insight.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 7:04 pm
Offline  zippykona
Full Member
 
Share this post

Go and give your wife a huge hug.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 7:08 pm
Offline  gdm4
Full Member
 
Share this post

I think that sense of nostalgia for the past and the sense sense of time passing is only natural pal. When twinned with depression I'm sure it can become overwhelming but I'm sure the feelings will pass eventually. You are not the only one mate and I'm sure many of us on here either are or have experienced similar. I suspect its just adjustment amd change. Keep the faith mate.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 7:53 pm
Offline  airvent
Free Member
 
Share this post

The bit about losing your parents and the family home being sold hit me a touch, sorry to hear that. I haven't lost mine, but they are selling the family house I grew up in and I can understand the feeling of losing touch with the connections to your earlier years.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 7:56 pm
Offline  MrOvershoot
Full Member
 
Share this post

zippykona

Go and give your wife a huge hug.

This x1000

Apart from my sister I've lost all my family & wife. I'm lucky that only this month I've found someone else but just for the love of all that means things to you go hug her

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 8:05 pm
Offline  RustySpanner
Full Member
 
Share this post

Firstly, there's always us.
We're not going anywhere. You're stuck with us.

But this past two weeks the endless sense of looking back, missing the past, missing my youth, missing my ‘old life’, missing old friends I never kept in touch with, regretting decisions, regretting things I didn’t do, regretting where I’ve ended up and the overwhelming sense of how quickly the years have gone by and therfore how quickly the remainder of my years are going to go but also how lonely I feel that I have no connection to my past anymore. My parents are gone, my childhood home is sold, I have no family or connection to where I grew up. It’s all just fizzled away and nothing but memories which I’m fixated on.

That's the depression.
It's an illness. It's not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Everyone of a certain age thinks about their past, how could you not?

Get two chairs.
Sit in one and place one at 45 degrees from you in an empty room.
Make yourself as comfortable as possible.
Imagine someone who really loves you is sitting in the other chair.
Get used to that feeling.
Now, how do you think that person would want you to be? What would they say to you? How would they want you to feel?

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 8:28 pm
Offline  Kryton57
Full Member
 
Share this post

This may help, loads more very useful articles on the site also: https://www.artofmanliness.com/character/advice/the-seasons-of-a-mans-life-the-mid-life-transition/

All the best.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 8:29 pm
Offline  DT78
Free Member
 
Share this post

I’m probably going through a midlife, I used to paint gamesworkshop models as a young teenager until I was shamed out of it. Have just picked up a paint brush again nearly 20 years later. Spent hundreds on brushes and paint, and models. Turns out I’m pretty good. Has given me back a sense of achievement, even though it a bit of a guilty secret. Realise the sense of achievement has been missing ever since I’ve had kids and stopped competing. No time or fitness to get back into racing, so painting little figures will have to do !

Try to remember what you used to enjoy.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 8:44 pm

Offline  fervouredimage
Free Member
Topic starter
 
Share this post

Thank you all. I can always rely on the minds of STW to help. Just saying/writing it makes a difference. It lifts the burden a little that it's out there, in as eloquent a way as I can manage anyway. Reading someone else's response to it helps more than you can imagine.

Thank you.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 9:24 pm
Offline  didnthurt
Full Member
 
Share this post

I totally get what you're going through, I'm in my forties and have no direct connection with my past lives (childhood, teenage years and early twenties). It's just part of modern life when you move around for work and relationships.

But I tend to feel most down this time of year where I tend to eat comfort food, drink more alcohol, get less sun and exercise less.

I'd look at trying to cut out booze, junk food, sugar and get some sun, vitamins, sleep and easy exercise for the next week or so.

For me it's all about small victories and focusing on the small positives in my life. It is hard though when you have been through a hard period in your life but I have faith in you to pull through.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 11:09 pm
Offline  kelvin
Full Member
 
Share this post

December is the worst for this, triggers everywhere.

 
Posted : 18/12/2022 11:46 pm
Offline  petefromearth
Full Member
 
Share this post

I've had a similar run this year. 42 also. Actually I've been a bit better recently, mainly I think due to external factors that have changed things at work. Enough to temporarily alleviate some boredom and get me out of the rut my mind was in.

January/February is the worst time for me. I'm trying to figure out what I need to change to not restart the whole cycle again.

I can empathise a lot with other things you are saying, especially as I seen to have regressed to a teenager when left to my own devices. Mostly I feel lonely and unhappy, in spite of not really having anything to complain about!

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 2:50 am
Online  Cougar
Full Member
 
Share this post

the endless sense of looking back,

Know this.

What's in the past, you can't change. You might have had a laugh, you might have bollocksed it up, whatever. It's done. Doesn't matter. Out of your hands. **** it.

What you absolutely can control is the next 40 years. Are you going to spend the next four decades looking backwards and whining, or looking forwards to the fun times with your wife? Today is the first day of the rest of your life; you can seize it, if you want to.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 5:13 am
Offline  Kryton57
Full Member
 
Share this post

I think Cougars advice is very good.

I overthink quite a few things but significant birthdays and the past has never been one of them. I worry more now about the future but have very much accepted my image of a man in his fifties and all that it brings, which is very positive. The article I linked above really helped me understand that.

I had an angry childhood which left me without a normal parental relationship, had a very confusing, raging, drunk and non productive 20’s, got financially raped at 30, then managed to turn it all around by settling into work, children and a happy marriage. I don’t want to spend any time thinking about that, I’m just planning to enjoy the next three decades with my wife and kids as I can. I think you reach a point in life where you are comfortable enough with your surroundings that the pressure valve of life starts to ease.

Having said that, I’m lusting after the new M3 touring released in September. Likely I’ll never own one but… vroom!! 🙂

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 7:38 am
Offline  thols2
Full Member
 
Share this post

Buy a new bike. Then go and ride it. Then remind yourself how much better modern bikes are than old bikes.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 7:45 am
Offline  stcolin
Free Member
 
Share this post

I've spent most of the last 5-10 years regularly thinking of the past and all the memories that carries. I think it's because I'm lacking a lot in my current life, whether it be through relationships or doing the things you usually enjoy. Music tends to pull at the heartstrings easily. Probably why I still listen to dance/trance music, it makes me think of my teens and all the things that were happening in my life then.

My life has hugely changed since I moved to England. Parents getting ill, growing apart from family and friends, and work being a different challenge.

It feels like there is no opportunity left to have a happy life and no I'm just seeing out the years. Is that how it feels?

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 9:55 am

Offline  gaidong
Free Member
 
Share this post

It is far from unusual, though I seem to suffer more than my friends. I'll soon start my fourth year of thrashing around inside my head, where nothing seems certain any more. I used to mock my father, who left us (the family) thirty years ago, when exactly my age. He did it all: ridiculous clothes, open top sports car (resisted importing a Corvette from the US...) and young girlfriend. Now I don't judge so easily. Not that I want to ditch my family but the sense of total instability. Good luck.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 11:30 am
Offline  johnx2
Free Member
 
Share this post

This forum is an articulation of midlife crisis.

I’m currently in the stage of rejecting everything current so ive been listening to music from the 90s, watching old comedies and TV shows and films from the 90s.

So's everyone else here as it's all pretty recent.

Actually, having now read the OP and skimmed thread I'll not leave it at that. I generally avoid advice and support type threads on grounds that others are better able to supply warmth and empathy, but in for a penny...

How is...

What you absolutely can control is the next 40 years. Are you going to spend the next four decades looking backwards and whining, or looking forwards to the fun times with your wife? Today is the first day of the rest of your life; you can seize it, if you want to.

...different to telling someone who's just said they're in a deep depression to pull themselves together? It might never happen mate etc etc. It might make you feel good to type that but it's of zero use to someone who may be depressed.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 11:44 am
Offline  chakaping
Full Member
 
Share this post

Hey OP, hope you're seeking (and receiving) help for the depression you mention. And sympathies for the loss of your parents.

Some of the stuff you describe about getting more emotional, aware of life passing, choices made, etc. is just going to be normal now - part of getting older - so the best course is to try to accept that and focus on the things you can change for the better.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:00 pm
Offline  kennyp
Free Member
 
Share this post

Not sure if this will help or not, but here goes......there are about 8 billion people on this planet. I'm pretty sure every single one (tiny babies excepted) has done stuff they've later regretted, or made mistakes, or not done things they should have. So you're totally not alone.

Secondly, try to imagine yourself in ten years time looking back on the decade that's just passed. Give the future you ten years of great memories and lovely people (starting with your wife). Now go start making those memories.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:13 pm
Offline  handybar
Free Member
 
Share this post

I had this in my late 30s, again hit me out of the blue, coincided with my best friend since childhood passing away, parent health issues, my own need for an operation. It took me to a dark place and I ended up clinically depressed, not wanting to live really.

The only thing that got me out of it was making some big life changes - I bought a house, something I'd been delaying for a long time, and moved to a new area. Joined Meetup and met new people, go out to regular live music nights on the weekends. Travelled again. Sometimes it takes a crisis to make the necessary changes to move onto the next stage in life. I still get lonely and have rough weeks but in a strange way the crisis was necessary.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:15 pm
Offline  doris5000
Free Member
 
Share this post

I've noticed a bit of this. I am 43 and have basically spent my whole 40's so far in very poor health with Long COVID and some other stuff going on. So my life feels like it's on 'pause'.

And I find I've been going back to my old 90's albums a bit more. I didn't even LIKE Pearl Jam back then, and here I am, listening to Vs and finding it somehow strangely comforting. I've never been like that - I'm usually a muso who only wants to listen to the newest industrial drone or whatever. But here I am.

I feel like at some point in life there's a shift towards reminiscing? My MiL (78) will talk in romantic tones of a singer she saw in the 60's, or some great event from the 70's, and it doesn't seem weird - if anything, that's the point of 'making memories' I guess - so you can go and revisit them in later life and be comforted, or reassured, or amused. When do we start doing that? Is it around your 40s?

It sounds like you are suffering depression, so I think you should seek help for that. I also think your should hug your wife. More people should hug their wives more often. But don't worry about taking refuge in past memories and old comforts. That's what they're there for. And it's certainly better to turn to Father Ted than the booze...

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:25 pm
Offline  IdleJon
Free Member
 
Share this post

I’m probably going through a midlife, I used to paint gamesworkshop models as a young teenager until I was shamed out of it.

My oldest friends and I used to wargame and play RPGs, pretty much until one moved away and kids and families got in the way. Two of us carried on going to watch rugby and having a pint or two every Saturday until our team was reorganised into part of a region and Saturday afternoon matches became rare. Our attendance at the regional matches decreased because of cost, family and work commitments, timing, etc.

We now find ourselves in our mid-50s, with settled jobs, offspring that can look after themselves, and a tiny bit of disposable income. We have returned to the rugby ground on a Saturday afternoon, often with a few pints. It's a lower level of rugby but really, it's not about the rugby. Recently, we have chatted about the fantastic miniatures that are now available for wargaming, and my mate has a stock of unused Tamiya models from the 80s. He's already bought himself a new airbrush and I can guarantee will be sending me pictures of tanks and APCs fairly soon. If either of us had the space to set up a semi-permanent wargames table, then we'd be playing them regularly. We now have the money to do these things properly. And the patience and maturity.

This isn't having a midlife crisis, it's being allowed to continue with interests and hobbies that got interrupted by other things that were more pressing at the time. Plenty of things are seen as not mature when you reach your late teens, early 20s - riding bikes is one of them. Weirdly an interest in drinking lots, driving cars and slouching sloth-like on the sofa watching crap on TV are seen as mature pursuits. 😀

TLDR : just doo it. You're too old to be be bothered. 😀

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:27 pm
Offline  cheekyboy
Free Member
 
Share this post

You've had a bit of a rough do mate ! Can't offer any advice of any value, I sincerely hope things get better for you, all the very best.

 
Posted : 19/12/2022 1:30 pm

Secret Diary Of Benjamin Haworth Age 47 3/4

Last Minute Tuscany

Digital Detox

singletrack issue 159 cover image

Issue 159