Life during…and after separation… it’s a roller coaster innit….

Hmm…yeah, it happened 🙁

It’s been a ‘will he won’t he’ moment of my life for some time, and I’ve posted on here before about the challenges in my life…

I think it came to a head, and we decided on a ‘trial separation’ about 6 weeks ago… felt like we were living separate lives for a long time, but the decision to split actually felt like a weight off my shoulders initially.

I managed to find somewhere 2 weeks ago and moved out…

I then realised that ‘not much is going to really change’ in the 4 weeks we’re apart, so talked about making it more permanent..

My brain and heart are just a mix of emotions at present… I do what I do best, which is research my feeling on Google and Psychology websites!

I’ve learnt a lot about “unconditional love” and that actually there ARE conditions on romantic love… and not just that, that you have conditions on love AND on the relationship.. as such, you CAN love someone, but know the relationship isn’t working. This has helped me feel ‘less guilty’ about wanting to split, I guess…

But it’s early days… I need to be wary about looking back through rose tinted glasses…
I have ‘normal days’, up ‘times’, and real down days…

At the moment i’m in an emotional phase… sad, tearful…

I have the kids half the time, which is nice, but it breaks my heart to hear my 3 year old say “when are you coming home daddy”, and “I don’t like your sill flat, i want to go home…”…:( Of course she doesn’t know what she’s saying, but it’s for the kids i feel sad.. A child shouldn’t have to say those things i guess…

I’m trying to be amicable…. she’s being a bit ‘mean’ at the moment..stating she wants to stay in the house, that ‘the woman always has teh right to the house’. I’m just being calm, even though I know it’s not true… Don’t want to involve solicitors at all, just want us both to be sensible and look out for each other..

I know everyone says (on here, and on line etc) it DOES get better, but for those who’ve gone through it… it’s completely normal to miss her at times, isn’t it?? I don’t THINK it means I want to get back together (again, rose tinted history…)..

It’s a real emotional struggle knowing there’s going to be several days (alt weekends etc) when I won’t bath the kids, or chat to them over breakfast…. I guess you always miss this, but do you get used to it??

Maann…. what a life, eh… 🙁

DrP

 I guess you always miss this, but do you get used to it??

For me, no. Never (welling up even typing that!)

Good luck mate.

🙁

DrP

Everything else though! I’ve got used to everything else 😀

“Don’t want to involve solicitors at all”

Fool.

Every man I know who didn’t involve solicitors has been utterly rinsed.

Getting solicitors in ensures fairness.  It’s not a mean thing to do.  It’s the right and correct thing to do.

A friend of mine divorced 15 years ago.  Has two kids by his new wife.   His ex has just rocked up, 15 years later, and taken him to the tune of £50k.   Because he “wanted to be nice” and “didn’t want to get solicitors involved”.

I told him he was a fool then too.  And he wished he’d listened – not just for the cash but because his wife has been giving him a LOT of shit because he should have sorted that out years ago.  (She thinks he’s a fool for not getting the solicitors in too – women do, because they’re not idiots in quite the same way that men are).

Spend the cash.  Divorce is expensive.  If you want to do it right and fair, and <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>avoid</span> animosity, get the solicitors involved.

My life is immeasurably better c5 years on from splitting up with my ex. I couldn’t see it at the time though.

I miss my daughter dearly on the days I don’t have her and i’m sure that’s going to be worse as she grows up. It’s slightly different for me as i’ve got two other kids with me full time and she misses out on the relationship with them as well.  On the other hand, that’s ‘normal’ for them and they don’t know anything else. Kids are much better at change than we are.

Our neighbours are just going through very similar DrP, their kids are 8 & 10. I can honestly say that seeing them go through this has really shocked my wife and I as before they seemed to have the perfect family, balanced between work and play. I meet with the husband now and then so fully understand the roller coaster, in fact he and the kids are coming with us tomorrow into the forest, but it’s proper hard to get your head around.

Sorry for the random post, but you’re not alone and from what I’ve seem time does help, and the kids are often quicker to accept the new way of life than the parents. That old saying, happy parents apart is better than sad/angry parents together.

Chin up and all the best.

Every man I know who didn’t involve solicitors has been utterly rinsed

I wasn’t, not in the slightest. Fair split of the house equity, amicable arrangements around child (and dog) care, fair monthly maintenance payments – and a quickie internet divorce.

No solicitors involved at all.

(But then, she never said “I’m staying in the house”!)

Yep, at least if you get some advice from one so you can use them in the near future to protect yourself and your kids from being stitched up financially. My solicitor saved me £12k from my pension that my ex was trying to unfairly get, whether it was her or her solicitors idea I’ll never know but that’s £12k in my pocket.

1st advice to all – dont leave the house. You dont need to move out. I didn’t and I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it. We had a good easy divorce. And yes Id use a solicitor.

> ‘the woman always has teh right to the house’ > rubbish, urban myth and why you need good advice from a solicitor not the internet

get back into the house and stay and be with your children. You can have a divorce and an amical settlement. Splitting the house becomes part of the settlement.

Fool.<span style=”font-size: 0.8rem;”>Every man I know who didn’t involve solicitors has been utterly rinsed.</span>

Well, as well as DezB, now you know another one. Perfectly amicable split. We still talk (about an hour or so a couple of days ago) we’re friendly with each others new partners, we discuss everything to do with the kids

It’s not always a rubbish ending , chin up DrP

@Debz – yep, I’m sure amicable splits happen.   My mate thought his split was amicable, until 15 years later when his ex wondered, idly, “I’m a bit skint, I wonder if I can take him for some money, he was a sap”…

This woman’s already being mean and making the “I’m going to take you for everything” noises.

Life’s not fair.  Solicitor up, so there’s a chance of *some* fairness.

Don’t want to involve solicitors at all, just want us both to be sensible and look out for each other..

From experience, this is possible, though very hard, and takes maturity on both sides. I’d recommend meditation as a way of moving forward and getting areas of agreement ‘signed off’ by both of you. In my circumstances, I think it helped that we were both in very similar places financially, similar wages, hours, pensions etc. I’d imagine it gets messy when there are big differences.

All the best mate. Shitty thing to go through but it’ll get easier

Mediation is the way, from what I gather.  You still need a solicitor to get you through the paperwork and make sure everything’s documented and formalised, but if you can both agree on what should happen (e.g. even split of assets, custody, what do with the house) and you don’t want lawyers taking 10% each to fight over who gets what bit of the remaining 80%, it’s the cheapest, lightest touch way, unless you want to download forms off the internet and do it yourself, which I guess must be an option.

All as per my brother’s experience, not sure whether that’s the whole story re: mediation.

You dont have to go full legal but some advice to you from family solicitor about what is and isnt right (and what your wife may claim is/isnt right) and any implications to your/her actions is immensely useful and backs up any discussions and will put your mind at ease.

not being with the nippers all teh time does get easier

seems I missed v8ninety’s post!  Bro and his ex weren’t in a similar place financially at all, but it still worked for them.

stating she wants to stay in the house, that ‘the woman always has teh right to the house’.

And you want ahead and moved out? That was a pretty silly thing to do. You should have taken advice and had an agreement in place before doing that.

I’d recommend getting some legal advice at the very least. You don’t have to engage their services further, but you’ll have a better understanding of where things could go wrong etc.

The fact that your OH thinks she has a right to the house over you concerns me somewhat. If she wants to stay in the house, then she needs to pay accordingly.

Been separated for 3 years all very amicable we have 3 kids (19,15 &10)

was terrible at the start I didn’t miss her as such I just missed the family we were,

kids took it as well as they could just a bit confused and sad ,for me it does get better

we sold our old house split the profit no solicitor’s involved but then neither of us were acting like a c*nt

youngest best friend’s parents have just split up so she’s giving her friend some counselling ….

I think the kids are alright..

Don’t want to involve solicitors at all

I think that’s the ideal, but I’d definitely involve a solicitor to properly document your amicable agreement

OK, what i mean was I don’t want to use solicitors to run the case..

You dont have to go full legal but some advice to you from family solicitor about what is and isnt right (and what your wife may claim is/isnt right) and any implications to your/her actions is immensely useful and backs up any discussions and will put your mind at ease.

This, basically…

RE the moving out – I spoke to Wikivorce advisors, who reassured me that my case for the property isn’t weaker at all, having moved out. As long as the childcare arrangements can be in place (which they are) then all is fine.
Further advice i’ve read up on would also suggest this..

was terrible at the start I didn’t miss her as such I just missed the family we were,

I think this is what’s going on in my head and heart…

DrP

stating she wants to stay in the house, that ‘the woman always has teh right to the house’.

And you want ahead and moved out? That was a pretty silly thing to do. You should have taken advice and had an agreement in place before doing that.

I have politely explained to her during one of her angry phases that legally, I can waltz back in and have a nap on the bed if I so wished!

DrP

I’m trying to be amicable…. she’s being a bit ‘mean’ at the moment..stating she wants to stay in the house, that ‘the woman always has teh right to the house’. I’m just being calm, even though I know it’s not true… Don’t want to involve solicitors at all, just want us both to be sensible and look out for each other.

It really sounds like you need to manage expectations better. If that means getting solicitors involved, then do so. Whatever you do won’t be enough to keep her happy, but if you can show that what you’re doing is legally “fair” that will at least be something. Hopefully you won’t have your day in court, but if you do, it’s not great but it’s necessary, you need to separate your affairs and get a fair deal yourself – what if in 5 years’ time you’re with another woman and broke because you keep being nice to your ex? How is new woman going to react when she wants to settle down and have kids/go on nice kid free holidays or whatever?

I split about a year ago, she moved out in January, still trying to get stuff sorted (I really need to put my debt onto the mortgage for one thing!). I wavered quite a bit, but to be honest although I still miss her sometimes I know it wasn’t right for years and there’s nothing I could do to fix it. Although it was her decision, I think I knew in my heart that I couldn’t go on like we had and I’d given it everything I had – I genuinely think I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship, but that if I hadn’t I would have gone off the rails in a big way at some point soon.

I’ve found another woman who’s lovely and I’m having a great time with her, having her and more freedom helps mitigate the fact that yes I miss the kids every time they’re not there and it still breaks my heart when they say they’d like to do things with me and mummy, but I get to spend quality time with them and do stuff that I never got to do before, and they know I’ll always answer the phone if they’re missing me, and sometimes I’ll phone cos I miss them!

I guess what I’m saying is that obviously it’s not good, but look after yourself, things will gradually improve. I couldn’t see myself facing this winter when she moved out, but although I have regrets, I’m happy with where I am now.

I have politely explained to her during one of her angry phases that legally, I can waltz back in and have a nap on the bed if I so wished!

I think you should do that randomly and without warning, just to keep her on her toes and remind her its still your home house too.

I have politely explained to her during one of her angry phases that legally, I can waltz back in and have a nap on the bed if I so wished!

Until she changes the locks and reports you for aggression or violence.

Don’t think she would? Plenty others have thought that way as well only to find out the harsh reality.

Always better to prepare for the worst case scenario and to be pleasantly surprised when it doesnt come true rather than hope for the best and be torn apart.

^ Only you can judge this part. Happened to me (I wasn;t even married but same same cost wise). Slight issue was when she called the Police and made an accusation I had been round my alibi of being 19,000km away at the time was quite simple to prove.

Best of wishes to you, remain calm, i always tried to remind myself that I was winning as I wasn’t in the dreadful oppresive position I had been before and therefore I could detach myself from it. She absolutely hated that. I took legal advice which helped and we managed to agree a settlement. Didn’t stop her coming back 3 years later demanding a massive chunk of what I had then – she lost and I was nice by paying her legal fees which were awarded as well!

Your kids and yourself are most important in that order – look after both.

I’m in the same situation right now and still in the emotional stage going from angry to crying and anywhere in between over the course of every few days

we are going to go to mediation, I have an appointment with a solicitor booked and a counselling session booked for before we start though so I can be in the best spot mentally during ‘negotiations’

good luck

Can’t help much with the seperation but have learnt that you cannot control your feelings, you feel what you feel. You can never fight (control) your emotions and win.

I’ve learnt a lot about “unconditional love” and that actually there ARE conditions on romantic love… and not just that, that you have conditions on love AND on the relationship.. as such, you CAN love someone, but know the relationship isn’t working.

Plenty of people have commented on the technical aspects of this, and I used to think like you. Now I’m starting to think this is a Protestant thing or something, my missus is from a Catholic background and I really don’t think there are any conditions on me really. I would have to **** up really really hard, like 25 to life in the slammer for her to get rid of me. We challenge each other but at the end of the day we see the world the same way, it’s always been us versus the rest of the world – Bonnie and Clyde.

Maybe I’m luckier than I thought.

Depends on reasons for split, some have a roller-coaster, some dig a pit of despair and others are as high as a kite…

I got a solicitor involved from the start. I told my ex that I would pay for the divorce and for my solicitor to prepare everything. All she had to do was sign. Cost me £1700. She got herself a solicitor who did nothing but cost me an extra £1000 in fees. The part of the divorce process that some people above may have missed out is get the Full and Final Financial Settlement. That stops either of you turning up in the future and claiming more money. It’s the only reason I got a solicitor involved.

If it’s amicable and there’s kids involved what one of my friends in Oz did may be worth looking at.

They did use solicitors to make sure all the “i”s were dotted etc, but the main thing was they sold the house and then bought a duplex (both sides of a semi-detached), each owning their half. The kids used to come and go freely between them. Both got other partners eventually, but it all remained friendly.

They stayed like that until the kids were all off to uni.

Had a couple of my oldest friends go through this in the past few years.

One mate’s ex ended up deciding she was gay after a year of marriage and 2 kids with him.  They are still friendly and everything is amicable. She got remarried to her partner and my mate has an ace girlfriend now.

My other mate struggled on for 2 years in an unhappy marriage, then it just erupted and he moved out of her house and hasn’t spoken to her or seen her in over a year now.

It’s not like she can come and rinse him as he’s not got anything! The second example had no kids though.

DrP,  Very similar here but kids much older. We had mediation, now getting a legal contract drawn up. I’m hopefully lucky enough to be able to secure a mortgage and by her out, but yes mum’s really do want to stay in the family home!

On Friday she’s moving out, I finally get somewhere to call home after a year of sofa’s, my mum’s, and Travelodges.

We’ve managed to keep things amicable mostly, with the odd flare up.

Relationship with the kids is the most important thing through it all. Finally got my son into mountain biking which had helped massively, daughter is like a mini me. Don’t spoil them, be firm and relatively consistent!

It’ll get better and easier. I still miss the ex sometimes, but then spending bonfire night as a family made me realise we’d done the right thing 😉

I’m no expert on other people’s relationships, however some lessons I have learned from my 18 month experience after my separation/divorce:

1. She might be a dick/she might not/she might be in ways that you aren’t expecting – it’s a tough time and we all deal with it differently. Expect to be surprised. Everyone is allowed to wig out – including her. This may include stupid relationships/new purchases and other stuff. Be the bigger person and let it go over your head.

2. Money. It’s only money. Loads of people say stay in the house until it’s sorted by the lawyers. I’m not convinced that’s the right option for everyone as I think it creates tension which propagates animosity. I was gone quickly and things have pretty much worked out (she ended up buying me out minus about 10% of what we agreed but so what – it just means I’ll not help her out in the future which I was planning on). You probably aren’t leaving because of money so I’d not make it a reason to stay in the house.

3. The kids – unless one or both of you are prize ****, they will be alright. Kids see the truth and they recover from things quickly – make sure you are on your game for them though. 100%. And never slag her off to them, even if she richly deserves it. Loads of couples split up and loads of kids are fine. Do whatever you need to to make this your story too. Yes it’s weird not to be there every evening but you can make the time you have amazing without having someone else interfering. I took my lads snorkelling, tramping round archeological sites in Greece this summer and it was bloody amazing – we still talk about it when I’m taking them to school on the days I have them. If you are concerned about her being shite about the kids then a co-parenting agreement is good. I got my ex to sign one and it enshrines my access (3.5 days a week/half of all holidays), our responsibilities, where the kids are going to be schooled etc etc. Very handy if you are concerned as family courts like these very much.

4. You – look after yourself. You’ve most likely spent most of your recent past looking after someone else. Stop it. The better you feel the better you’ll be. This bit is critical. Get counselling, get high, get laid, get healthy. Whatever. Just do it for you.

5. The future – this is why you left right? Start living it NOW. Ride your bike, see your mates, go to the movies, start a new class, drink beer, watch sports, go on a diet, hit the gym, hit tinder. Whatever it is. It’s yours now. Grab it, loads of people stay in shit relationships, you haven’t. Start enjoying your decision right now.

best of luck, love your chance to be you and let the small stuff slide.