Let it go – Stoicism / Serenity and how to accept stuff

Ive long been a believer in the ideas of stoicism and the general idea of changing what you can whilst accepting stuff that is beyond your control. But believing in the idea is very different to actually being able to do it. When life gets a bit rough i still struggle to let go of the small stuff (missing Evri parcels, people at work taking the p etc) and this tends to mount up mentally. With my mum now into full time care and going downhill fast i know i’m in for a rough ride so have decided to move my aspirations of letting go of things into actual practice.

Step 1 is recognising its happening and processing it, so i’m already got that far. Its the step 2 of emptying my head i need help with.

Any tips from those that practice this stuff? Riding my bike is a given 🙂

With my mum now into full time care and going downhill fast

I have to say – this is something that manifests as letting the small stuff get to you. You cope admirably with the bigs stuff, but when the stuff that should be simple goes wrong you get angry at the easy stuff not being easy.

I suppose behind every old man yelling at the clouds theres something more grave going on in the background that they can’t yell at or about

Not sure I can advise on the head emptying thing. Not sure my head has ever been empty.

Riding my bike is a given

Swings both ways – fast decents don’t allow any thoughts other than staying on the bike intrude. Long climbs are great thinking time.

Reframing your thoughts rather than eliminating them is maybe better. I feel the way to think – and seemingly the way you are thinking – is that what lays ahead is something you need to do well. I think my brother and I have both been good sounding boards in relation to my mums later years. With dementia being the key aspect in that, and the public discourse around that is overwhelmingly defeatist*, and we’re good at keeping each other more positive.

I really recommend some mindfulness research

Mindfulness is basically training your mind to do what you have described

mindfulness:%20A%20Practical%20Guide%20to%20Finding%20Peace%20in%20a%20Frantic%20World

This book enabling it amazing. From the team that got mindfulness approved as a cost effective therapy

Link second go

https://www.google.com/search?q=calm+in+a+frantic+world&rlz=1CDGOYI_enGB988GB988&oq=calm+in+a+frantic&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCAgBEAAYFhgeMgYIABBFGDkyCAgBEAAYFhgeMg0IAhAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMg0IAxAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMg0IBBAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMgcIBRAhGKABMgcIBhAhGKABMgcIBxAhGKABMgcICBAhGJ8FMgcICRAhGJ8F0gEJMTUwMjhqMGo0qAITsAIB4gMEGAEgXw&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

“It isn’t the events that upset us, it’s our opinions about them”

Epictetus

Also Hamlet says

“There is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so”

Just get older. You start giving a lot less of a shit (IME)

Mindfulness in whatever form floats your boat is definitely good. Mediation, relation, tai chi, yoga, sketching, whatever.

I find cycling helpful too, but what i find best is ‘mindless wandering’ . Going for short walks from the door with no distance/destination in mind. Pottering about looking at stuff and letting thoughts come and go. 30 minutes is enough for me so it’s not becoming to tiring (I have bad legs) or feeling too much of a thing to do.

I think recognising feelings (with yourself) is useful.
Recognise, aknoweledge, then move on..

Say to yourself “oh, that person really annoyed me..”

Then say “it’s ok to feel that, but that enough now”

Then move on.

Also, i try my best to FORGIVE people – someone cut you up in teh car – imagine they’re probably shitting their pants…let them go..
Or, they jsut don’t know the roads.

Realise you’re not as important (in other peoples lives) as you think.. it becomes easy then.

DrP

The second arrow story seemed to stick in my mind after I heard it. I’m not sure this covers step 2 of emptying your head if step 1 is recognising and processing, but maybe – maybe it’s about changing how you react to begin with, perhaps so there’s less to empty or things don’t build up.

The parable of the second arrow is a well-known Buddhist story about dealing with suffering more skilfully. It is said the Buddha once asked a student,

‘If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?’

He then went on to explain,

‘In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.’

I don’t have any techniques to recommend, nor.pithy one-liners to offer, but I have learnt not to invest so much energy into things and people over whom I have little influence.

One small example – there are threads on this forum where I’ll offer an opinion, or point something out, then simply let it go. I may browse the thread again, but I’m very rarely tempted to go back into a thread and carry on an argument, even if that’s under the guise of correcting “facts”. It’s simply not worth the mental energy.

Imagine a river flowing by with leaves drifting along its surface. Place your worry on a leaf and watch it drift away.

I have a similar problem. I see people cope with things that would see me stressed or in tatters and wonder how. My last break-up was.. difficult. I broke down. People’s advice was to move on and it was difficult. I could not then and it is difficult now even six months on.

If I could box up all that, the feelings, and just Evri them into eternity leaving me a happier person, I probably would. I can’t though, and am left with someone that is struggling to accept who they are amidst the knowledge that their depression **** a relationship and drove the love of my life to someone else. I’ve never thought so much and so specifically about removing myself from the world.

Anyway… small things. Can’t help. I have a doctor that wants me to be happy, but can’t process that I don’t think that will happen and a psykolog that is more pragmatic and understands that i can be a functional member of society and still be depressed.

TL;DR: Don’t be like me.

My closest friend died recently. He was 53. I spoke at his funeral yesterday.

To see his how his mum (who is 88 and also a dear friend) is dealing with this loss has been a lesson in stoicism to me. As el boufador said above, I think getting older certainly changes perspective.

However its not a lesson I’m learning very well in all honesty so I’ll watch this thread with interest.

Nothing matters in the long run as we will all die so why get stressed on the journey?

For me it probably came through a combination of things.  My tolerance had been getting pretty low after the introduction of some sub par management at work, at the same time I was invited by an outside organisation onto a social programme for emerging leaders.

It had all sorts of focus on yours and others wellbeing, difficult situations, coping with others, empathy (which doesn’t come naturally to me), questioning and listening. It gave me a variety of ways to let go and distance myself and helped me return to previous calm and controlled ways, including finding a new employer that valued what I could do as I valued myself.

In summary there may not be one thing that makes it click, but a combination.

Here’s my pithy one liner: there’s as many different solutions to it as there are people on the planet.

I only seem to be able to either care too much, or not enough. The few times I learn to let go I immediately take it too far the other way and end up not doing things properly or assigning an appropriate level of importance to things.

Riding my bike is a given

weirdo.

the rest makes perfect sense 😉

like others, watching with interest.

I find focusing on what I can do about things helpful.

It’s not possible to fix everything.

So find what you can do about it, then do something about it.

At work we have had some irritating changes imposed because someone else thinks it will make it better. I disagree and still have to do it. So I find what I can do to make it better and focus on that

Setting my expectations helps.

My mum’s health is deteriorating. I think if she changed the way she did thinks it would deteriorate, but much slower. I’ve done my best to persuade her and been unsuccessful. So I just have to accept the stages. This has helped me deal with watching it happen and being totally unable to do anything about it.

When I have a rant or a moan or get sad, I try and finish with what I’m going to do about it.

I also find everything easier on a good night’s sleep, so I try and make that happen.

Good luck, sounds like you have a very tough time coming. I hope you find some things that help.

My mum’s health is deteriorating. I think if she changed the way she did thinks it would deteriorate, but much slower. I’ve done my best to persuade her and been unsuccessful. So I just have to accept the stages. This has helped me deal with watching it happen and being totally unable to do anything about it.

+1

I have to say – this is something that manifests as letting the small stuff get to you. You cope admirably with the bigs stuff, but when the stuff that should be simple goes wrong you get angry at the easy stuff not being easy.

I suppose behind every old man yelling at the clouds theres something more grave going on in the background that they can’t yell at or about

Imagine a river flowing by with leaves drifting along its surface. Place your worry on a leaf and watch it drift away.

Easier said than done

You might have already read it but the Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton is good.

For me, a realisation years ago, that life is a bumpy road and the smooth sailing bits are the unusual sections ,rather than norm, really helps.

That and cutting 15 heads a day means that I get a constant reminder that there is almost always someone else having a worse time of it than you.

The next part of your life is going to be particularly tough, if you haven’t already done it, maybe developing a deep understanding of the disease will help you cope with your mums behaviour. And keep talking, you’ll find plenty of others to share the experience with.

NLP has some interesting takes on things such as having a loss of control over something is typically the biggest cause of stress & anxiety.

Crediting whatever is boiling your p1ss to a person just allows the issue to fester and become bigger – it’s giving away your control to this person by saying they have the power to do it regardless.

Instead try to look at what you can do differently next time – or just take a step back and ask yourelf if what’s winding you up really that important.

I’m very rarely tempted to go back into a thread and carry on an argument, even if that’s under the guise of correcting “facts”. It’s simply not worth the mental energy.

See also Social Media as a whole.  Cutting out the arguments on Twitter/Facebook etc (if it’s even a thing for you) can be a huge relief in mental capacity.

I do always wonder about this when I read the threads on here. How do those folks that are constantly arguing with each other ever relax. If I ever engaged in those kind of shenanigins, it would be sat there in the front of my brain all night.

Lots of good advice up there. I practice tai chi regularly and I try not to become attatched to things or events that are really not significant. I love music both playing and listening . Listening to this helps me at times

Although I nearly got baited in the ManFlu thread, the Scotroutes philosophy has worked for me in 2024, as is the cut up in a car advice.   I think I’m feeling bit more mortal now and in need of my own time to reflect, but my advice / I’ve found is that the small window of time between the kids going to bed and me going to bed is a precious moment of no other bugger getting into my life – no phones, no singletrack, no arguments with the Mrs.   Just me and tea/a tot or rum / glass of wine and the cat.

Find a space, own it and be at peace in it meditation or otherwise

Kryton on serenity!That’s a turn up for the books.

Thanks everyone.

Yes, i dropped facebook a couple of weeks ago and that certainly has helped.

Another trick i tried this weekend was to think of all the things that were bugging me, write them down and then write down what i could do about them. And then, importantly, do those things. Then i went out and rode my bike to distract myself. It seemed to help and allow me to process the big stuff with less clutter in my head.