Introvert Parents – A little help please

How on earth do you balance your needs for silence and solitude with the constant background hubbub of children’s TV and general fed uppedness in the second week of school hols…?

I had never been one for kids and purposely steered clear of the possibility for a long time, but for the past two years have been experiencing the joys of parenthood with the added issues not being a dad adds!

Most of the time she is lovely, but at the age nearly 10, she is becoming prone to – shall we say – outbursts…

Yesterday we had a trip to diggerland and although it was raining for most of the day, we had a really good time once we encouraged her to try something other than the very expensive coin operated indoor go-karts…

Today we’re at my house and she is like Kevin (a la Harry Enfield) and refuses to take part in any activity – she only has an interest in watching crap kids TV at ear splitting volume… she did ask if we could walk my dogs, but after leaving the house – decided against that after only 100yds.

I continued to take the dogs as her and her mum returned home as they were understandably less keen on the idea of a 200 yard walk!

When I got back, she was back to the TV and griping about wanting to go to London for the science museum as we had mentioned that as a possibility if the weather wasn’t going to permit a(n enjoyable) trip to the seaside. Nothing had been planned and the train would have to be booked 24hrs in advance to make it feasible, but all of a sudden it was the most important thing in the world.

We (MrsLerk and I) had already spoken about the idea given the forecast and decided that given the performance yesterday that a fifteen hour day with lots of walking would likely be too much.

With the youngun in a strop, my head banging with TV adverts encouraging the next toy to end up in the charity bags and MrsLerk close to tears, I motioned MrsLerk upstairs for a cuddle and some quiet. Cue young one coming up and continuing the whining and MrsLerk heading back downstairs in tears.

Fortunately at that point I got a minute or two of timeout to calm down – but seriously, without heading out on the bike every half an hour, how on earth do you all manage…?

It should get better.

My daughter went through a similar phase at 10 but has (partially) grown out of it.

No help whatsoever but, I really do not like children.

Sounds completely normal, but it should pass. Possibly after the age of 16. 🙂

Since you were getting stropped at anyway, why not just turn down the TV. Or turn it off if that was proving unpopular?

i feel your pain….

we were recently invited round to friends, but rather than having a (not really, but kinda) grown up talk, we had their 8 year old kid shoving a pack of lego monster/robot cards in our faces and him detailing what each moster/robot can do (nothing of which related to what was on the card). once he was bored with Lego cards we had the “pleasure” of watching him do card tricks…. i say tricks, it was more a case of him throwing cards on the floor and picking them up again, asking us to pick a card and a then pulling out random cards with glee and pronouncing them to be “our cards”. when i suggested he should practise in quiet, preferably in another room, i was scolded. 😐

why invite us round for a grown up meal when the kid is there/awake and constantly crying for attention?

oh, and then when it is “time for bed” he throws tantrum, running around screaming meaning both parents get up to “calm him down”.
i think we spent a total of 30 minutes that evening with all four grown ups sat at the table talking about things other than lego cards/robots, how hard it is to find the time to do anything that they (the parents) want to do, the difficulty of finding a good school, the problems that other parents of the kids friends have…. i really couldn’t give a flying orgasm.

you’ll get no sympathy from me… your decision to have a baby. i’m not going to bore them with details about how my chain kept skipping the other week or how hard it is to find someone in Munich who services suspension forks….

**** loud, ignorant little people. i think i’d rather have a dog or fully grown dwarf than a child.

Mrs Lerk has obviously been light on discipline. It’s nothing to do with being introverted.

Mrs Lerk has obviously been light on discipline. It’s nothing to do with being introverted

This.

gawsh.. I don’t know if I could cope with a kid that was trained by someone else.. good luck!

Alpin… your mates’ kid sounds pretty annoying and a bit retarded.. blame the parents though, they’ve done a shit job

I have a kid, you have my sympathy, he is in the man child phase, not long now… he will be 18 in a few years and can **** off to the Marines 😀

I’d love to help you out, but first rule of TASER club and all that.

yunki – Member

Alpin… your mates’ kid sounds pretty annoying and a bit retarded.. blame the parents though, they’ve done a shit job

don’t you dare say that, Yunki… who are you to judge? you don’t appreciate how hard it is to bring up an only child…. you self-righteous bastid…

oh, 😉

i do find it hard as a non-parent to bite my tongue at times. but why should not being a parent mean that your opion is worthless and should be shouted down (i guess it has to be shouted to heard over the noise that junior is making).

It’ll get worse before it gets better.

For those who have read my posts covering junior’s antics over the last few years I can announce that an almost forgotten state of calm has returned to the household. He has a girlfriend *skips around the room* and they have the keys to our other abode *does a little dance* and the neither the police nor the concièrge have phoned *punches the air*.

A swift bollocking for the kid in question id say. I wouldn’t put up with brattish behaviour from kids. Wrighty, father of two great kids.

Reminds me of this weekend’s shenanigans. Nephew hits 13 years. His aunt (my sister) who doesn’t earn very much gets said kid a £25 iTunes voucher.

Kid rants on Faecesbook to her that in the future she should buy only him Google Play vouchers and not iTunes. No ‘thank you’ or tact. His mother (another sister, I have loads) says “He’s just young, hopefully he’ll get better”. All I could think of was ‘Spoilt Bastid’ from Viz!

cut the plug off the TV

Talk to her, find something you can do together. A hobby or some type of challenge that will keep you both occupied and strengthen your relationship.

Or stick a TV in her bedroom?

My next-door neighbours have a summer house that their teenager uses.

Kids are kids and get treated as kids.
If kids choose to behave like adults then they get treated as adults.
Too many parents accept the childish behaviour, but reason with the said urchin as though they were an adult.
If you don’t mix the two (ie treat childish behaviour with distain and clear boundaries, but explain that if they can be more adult then they will get treated as adult) then the kids will understand that how they are treated is in their control.
Father of two here and they both turned out OK.

Only 1?! Imagine having 5 of the ****ers around, each with their own issues.

Joy.

Well you can’t help who you fall in love with

As others have said, not introverted, fairly normal, needs a few boundaries reinforcing and possibly struggling to adjust to her mum having a new fella?

Dad of two, eldest is a teenager in July, after a good couple of years practising….

Sounds like you are not communicating well with the child as perhaps you view her as an inconvenience

Bringing up kids – everyone’s got an opinion and almost no one has a control sample to see what would have happened if you did things differently.

My two are still young enough that vague statements about “we would never do anything nasty, but unless your behaviour is good nice things are going to stop happening” have a very marked effect.

And an opinion? Well for my money people concentrate to much on stopping bad behaviour, whereas we should be encouraging good behaviour and in so far as possible (and it isn’t always) ignoring the bad behaviour. Reward good behaviour with attention, when one child is acting up concentrate on the one that isn’t.

And having boys has advantages I think, because skiing, cycling, skateboarding and the like are great ways to establish common ground.

I’ll tell you in 30 years if that works. And even then I won’t have a control sample.

There is this great TV show called Super Nanny. She seems to know how to sort out bratty kids. I am sure you can get it on Amazon.

Seriously. They help a lot.

Also see ‘My Cat from Hell’ for techniques that work equally well on felines and feral children.

“Can you turn the TV down? it’s making my headache”

seems to work for mine…They’re just people y’know? sometimes kids can be annoying, sometimes they can be fun.

The only advice I can give is : Be consistent, don’t promise things you’re not going to do, don’t punish arbitrarily, or unfairly. Try not to loose your temper, and try not to shout. Set some basic and realistic expectations, and stick to them.

I’d think about getting some family therapy.
I haven’t got kids myself and I can only imagine how hard it can be at times but it kind of comes over as if you want her mum but not her. Or not her as much anyway. She’d have picked up on that which means things are only going to get worse.
You say she’s lovely most of the time so why not give her credit for that? That could help a lot.
I don’t mean to be harsh and of course i may be wrong but perhaps worth thinking about it.
Therapists don’t have a magic wand but the right one, and it’s crucial to get the right one which is a challenge in its own right, can help.

You say she’s lovely most of the time so why not give her credit for that?

this is a very good point. Kids are learning all the time, and mostly they learn by **** it up. Heaps of praise when it’s due, and a forgiving attitude they they get it wrong.

Your household needs rules and routine. Kids hate the insecurity of not having a routine and since they are accustomed to being told what to do, they usually respect rules as well, unless there’s some kind of rebellion or blackmail on the agenda.

Try not to loose your temper, and try not to shout.

I disagree, show how you feel. You are not some soulless punchbag. It was the point I decided to stop being a punchbag that things stopped getting worse.

Be a reflection of the world they are going to live in as adults.

Not too much detail because junior may be reading this, but on the TV/music front I used to turn the power to the whole house off (and go out for a walk rather than argue about it).

The divorce rate among the parents of junior’s contemporaries was really high when the kids were 13-17. United you stand, divided you will probably fall. Kids play one adult off against the other, play on affections, break the weakest link. I suspect you need to form a united strategy with your lady before you can do anything about the kid.

I “inherited” two, aged 10 and 8 when I met and married their mother. To be honest, I never found any difference between being a stepfather (although I never use that term anyway) or a biological father (I have an older daughter too).
I got just the same crap any parent gets, so did their mother. As has been said, kids need to know what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t but rules have to be consistent and to be agreed by both parents so one doesn’t get played sgainst the other.

All this seems ages ago now, as they’re 32 and 34 but I think the most important thing is never to think of yourself as a step parent – if you constantly put yourself in that position then you’ll never really 100% deal with things. Ok, it was easier for me, in a way, as my childrens father was dead – actually, he comitted suicide which makes it far worse if you’re only eight years old……

So, we all had a lot to deal with, but deal with it we had to because life goes on. I like to think that we all came out of it as well as anyone could. We all love each other dearly and value everything we’ve given each other, and that includes three grandchildren….

Sorry, this really hasn’t answered any questions, has it? I’m good at that, mindless rambling……

It’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it in about 18 years.

I’d echo discipline, show her who’s in charge, but then I’m not a breeder so I’m no position to advise. Sounds like “getting away with it” has become normal.

When I was a kid, my parents’ bedroom was an absolute no-go area; even if the house was empty I’d have been terrified to venture in there. Seeing as you seem to have skipped that rule, I’d be getting a lock for my bedroom door for a start off.

That, or a lock for hers. 😈

The kids need discipline, bit late to start but time to get firm with them.

Then get on the roof and turn the Sky dish/aerial round a bit when nobody’s looking. 😈

‘Call’ customer services and act all incredulous/raging when you relay the news that they are going to take at least a fortnight to repair the fault.

Sometimes though, no matter what you do, kids are just a pain in the arse and have an amazing capacity to wind you up. This should be occassional rather than routine though. (father of 8 +9 yo girls)

show how you feel.

nowt wrong with that, but you’re the adult, if you’ve left it to the point where you’re having to shout, it means you didn’t do something about it when you could have just spoken to them reasonably.

but on the TV/music front I used to turn the power to the whole house off (and go out for a walk rather than argue about it).

If you can’t control yourself to that degree, that makes you just as childish. Because turning the electricity off and leaving, certainly isn’t adult behaviour

It’s always tempting to leave them in front of whatever device has them transfixed. It does make for a quieter, less stressful life. But IME, only in the short run.

But my advice would be to have set times of the evening/weekend/holidays where all media, including yours, is going to be off, enforce it.

The art of negotiation is letting them know when you’re not going to negotiate.

I’d agree with the not shouting thing for the most part. I save the ‘nuclear blast’ for the very few occasions when I really want their attention to differentiate from the constant low-level nagging…

Sometimes though, no matter what you do, kids are just a pain in the arse and have an amazing capacity to wind you up. This should be occassional rather than routine though. (father of 8 +9 yo girls)

This. Set some rules, make sure they’re sensible and easy to understand, and be prepared to let them have their own way on occasion. Kid’s tv is full of shouting high pitched voices, so set limits as to when they can watch it and at what volume – but if they’ve got 10 on their maths test perhaps they can have an extra 15 minutes, etc.

And don’t worry, if she’s anything like mine in a couple of years she’ll disappear into her room and only surface for feeding 🙄

No matter what you say or do they are miniature versions of yourselves

If the kid does something that upsets you have a good look at yourself

One of those things I’m afraid, everyone needs to adapt and find a new balance.

I’ve got a 10 year old too, a Boy, he simply refuses to exist in an environment of not being entertained – ideally he’d sit in front of the family TV with the PC running Minecraft or Starwars Battlefront from dawn to dusk, uninterrupted by us or his sister, only pausing to stuff food in his mouth without looking or running to the toilet at the last possible moment and peeing on the seat to save valuable seconds of game time and yes despite pin-sharp hearing he needs it turned up to 11, and if you ask for it to be turned down it magically creeps up again. If the PC is not allowed it Kids TV, if that’s not allowed it’s his toys, everywhere and too loud when his sister is Napping or his a sulk and “I’m bored!!!”

I won’t allow it though, he gets to do it during his sisters naps, at the weekend only and I’ll always encourage him to play outside with his friends instead – sometimes he does.

A few things I’ve learned – whilst he’s My Son, has my surname and calls me Dad, I didn’t meet his Mum until he was 4 (biological father not interested) so I know a little of what OP is going through – only my experience and opinions of course:

Kids love rules, honestly, they may moan, but they crave barriers – listen to a group of kids playing in school or in the street – their games come with a huge amount of complex rules – nothing more unhappy than a kid that doesn’t know what they’re allowed to do (the other side of rules).

Don’t make promises you can’t keep and not in a adult way, but a kid way (and frankly to a lessor degree my Wife way). If you tell a 10 year old “We may go to London to the science museum, if the weather is bad, if it is arranged in good time, if we can afford it” they hear “We’re going to the Science Museum, the grownups are dealing with the details”. The have no experience of real world logistics, they have no idea how train pricing works, or how valuable money is, and don’t find city travel stressful or a hassle, it’s an adventure – so your argument is moot in their world”.

Kids brains work faster than hours, much, much, much faster – time might be set, but perception isn’t. It’s obvious of course, when you’re in your 20’s days pass like hours did when you were a teenager, when you’re 30’s weeks pass like days did 10 years before and when you’re in your 40’s months… you get the idea – 10 year olds are peak brain speed – asking a 10 year old to sit quietly and stare out the window or whatever for 5 mins is excruciating for them – it’s like someone in their 30’s like me to wait at the doctors, for an hour, without a smartphone to distract you and without the social skills to be too embarrassed to moan about it – I found the only way to change it is through exorcise, I try to get him doing something most days, normal weekdays are aren’t bad, they run around mad as lorries in school, but in the holidays if you let them veg on the sofa they get much much worse, mine goes climbing, riding with me, running etc.

I found the only way to change it is through exorcise

Typo of the day!

Good post though, agree with all of it.

martinhutch – Member

I found the only way to change it is through exorcise

Typo of the day!

Good post though, agree with all of it.

Ha ha, I can’t spell for shit, I usually rely on my browser to fix it all, but it’s gone all American on me and can’t be trusted with U’s or Z’s so I ignore it.

Learning to be bored/wait is a skill. From it comes creativity and imagination and patience. If you fill a child’s day with constant activity, they expect to be entertained all the time, and never have any space in their brain to develop creativity through themselves.

I’ve seen this in my two. I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Limiting screen time is one of the best things I do for them, even if they don’t see it that way. I get roughly an hour of moaning and ‘I’m bored’ after which, by some miracle, they involuntarily realise they can occupy themselves without relying on being passively fed by electric gadgets.

Key to this is expectation. I give them notice, and remind them before the screens go off, so they at least know it’s coming.

We also specifically kick them out the door into our cul-de-sac, where they get to interact with the neighbours, all of whom are pleased to see kids playing in the street.