Inanimate objects which are pricks

Mattyfez’s Officespace post on here:

Coud anyone spec me a cheapish printer from Amazon, specific requirements❓

reminded me of this Mumsnet thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/3058228-household-objects-that-are-pricks

so I thought it might be fun to have our own version. Printers, inherently, are pricks. I’m convinced their raw user-hostile malevolence is by design.

What objects have you got round the house or otherwise in your life that can top printers?

Washing machines with a countdown timer on them that gets down 1 minute – and then seemingly take ten minutes to actual finish and let you open the door.

Even worse are the washing machines that play what feels like a 45 minute ‘tune’ to announce they’ve completed. I wouldn’t mind if I could turn it off and use a separate time but I can’t!

Stools are shite.

I should probably contribute something to my own thread.

I have an air fryer, a Tefal Actifry jobbie. In itself it’s great, but when it finishes cooking it beeps. What do we suppose is a sensible number of beeps to signify your food is ready? One? Three?

Sixty. I counted them. Needy little attention-seeking prick.

Cheap hob heat settings:

1/ Baby’s breath
2/ Spring breeze
3/ Is it on?
4/ Volcano
5/ Fusion reactor
6/ Hotter than the sun

That Mumsnet thread is hilarious. I admire the lack of swearing filter in that place.

Agree about the toaster. How can a couple of slices of bread generate 8 trays full of crumbs?!

Agree about the toaster. How can a couple of slices of bread generate 8 trays full of crumbs?!

And to quote Eddie Izzard I think from the same set as above, “it has a turny-dial that lies”

I think it was Graham Norton who said “If we really did put men on the moon why is my toaster so shit”

Even the best ones are just not terrible. It seems like a good, reliable, affordable toaster could be made if we tried. But – maybe we didn’t land on the moon and all technology and engineering is a hoax

TVs – when I switch it on I want it to revert back to the channel I was last watching when I switched it off – full screen too, no menu shit to deal with

Why do most modern TVs start with twelvty million options and a small box with the picture in?

No need !!

USB-A plugs.

It’s not that quantum-both-states-until-you-observe-it rubbish, they deliberately flip themselves around and around internally if you’re not looking. Because they’re pricks.

The more I think about it, toasters need a (dis)honourable mention.

This is literally “you had one job” territory, how hard can it be? Even throwing money at the problem doesn’t work, as you say expensive ones are at best “less shit.” My last toaster served up toast with one side charcoal, the other warm bread, like The Force in Star Wars. The current one has adopted more of a ‘gradient’ approach so I’ve to rotate the toast halfway through toasting rather than flipping it.

Bonus points for no toaster on the planet which can accept a Warburton’s “Toastie” loaf slice aside from those stupid double-length affairs which are supposed to take two slices in one slot because who the **** even knows why that’s considered a desirable feature. All the fun of a regular shit toaster only taking up twice the counter space.

The best toasters are those in hotel buffets where the toast travels along a metal conveyor belt.  Two settings.  Bread comes out vaguely warmer than it went in. Bread comes out on fire.

those stupid double-length affairs which are supposed to take two slices in one slot because who the **** even knows why that’s considered a desirable feature

Because Mothers Pride plain outsiders are god-level toastie bread.

Only fit in a long slot toaster.

OK, new one. I’m at my sister’s house at the moment. A strange beeping noise from the other room, I thought one of the kids might have left some sort of game on. That annoying beeping you get in really shit birthday cards.

Nope. It was the washing machine playing a self- congratulatory symphony for actually doing the one job it’s designed for. Smug ****.

My 9kw Mira shower, dribble….dribble…..dribble….dribble, I can piss with greater pressure despite having to use intermittent catheters, and the fact it turns off after 20 mins and needs a 10 min tea break before it starts to work again.

Before anyone says you shouldn’t need more than 5mins in the shower I have spms and showering/washing takes me at least 90mins as my muscles get exhausted, prob why I only have a shower every few weeks. But I’m not stinky, that’s what anti-bacterial kitchen wipes are for 😉

My 9kw Mira shower, dribble….dribble…..dribble….dribble, I can piss with greater pressure despite having to use intermittent catheters

Top tip, a lot of modern showers come ready fitted with a water saving flow restrictor. A doddle to remove and jet washer like pressure restored.

The best toasters are those in hotel buffets where the toast travels along a metal conveyor belt.  Two settings.  Bread comes out vaguely warmer than it went in. Bread comes out on fire.

Those are standard issue in every Army mess, but jealously guarded with signs nearby telling people not to fiddle with them because, if they do, you’ll get either charcoal or warm bread. Or both. At the same time.

Hand dryers.

Either the sort that’s like a mouse breathing on you so that 10 mins later you just have slightly warmer wet hands or the type that deafens you whilst blowing the water from your hands to your trousers so it looks like you wet yourself.

The only type I’ll use are the ones like big toasters, otherwise it’s back to the cubicle for more loo roll.

Coffee tables. Positioned perfectly for maximum shin damage, collect random crap, never actually any clear space on them for your coffee.

Mandolines. Even if you manage to use it without losing the top of a finger, it will try to slice you when you wash it.

Top tip, a lot of modern showers come ready fitted with a water saving flow restrictor.

Hmm, will have to investigate, is it in shower head or in unit?

That Mumsnet thread is hilarious. I admire the lack of swearing filter in that place.

I don’t think you are actually allowed on Mumsnet unless you can swear properly.  It’s effortless and fits so beautifully

Mobile phone. It keeps hiding itself from me. Prick.
Car keys… See above. 😭

Hmm, will have to investigate, is it in shower head or in unit.

In the unit. In mine it’s in the bit where it connects to the hot and cold water inlets. It’s a little plastic thimble shaped thingumy.

Bed legs, which stub my toe when stumbling half asleep in darkness when going for a nocturnal wazz.

The best toasters are those in hotel buffets where the toast travels along a metal conveyor belt. Two settings. Bread comes out vaguely warmer than it went in. Bread comes out on fire.

I did actually get flames once. First pass, basically still bread. One more run through,  should be perfect thinks I. Oh no. I had to flap it out with a napkin.

Thankfully a thing of the past now, but SCART leads.

I nominate my glasses, why can I never find them despite the fact they are always in the place I last put them ?🤔🙄

In the unit. In mine it’s in the bit where it connects to the hot and cold water inlets. It’s a little plastic thimble shaped thingumy.

In that case ill leave it, couldn’t get my hands to work well enough to take it apart, my shower is a Mira advance with only gravity fed cold water feed

Thankfully a thing of the past now, but SCART leads.

Christ, you just reminded me of SCSI. I bought my first scanner back in 1998, then I had to learn how to set up SCSI devices using jumper switches to set the address. That was bad enough to get working, but then I bought a CD-RW when they first came out and it was so temperamental that you just had to walk away and not touch the computer until it stopped burning a CD.

I don’t think we’ll beat the printer. Well, I’ve almost given mine a beating…

Epson all in one job – trying to scan a certificate on thick paper the other day so put it on the flatbed as I didn’t think the auto feed would like it. Positioned it in the corner, lined up with the A4 mark, selected A4 portrait from the menu, got half of it, at a right angle to the intended, so turn it around, got nothing. Changed the orientation in settings, now half of it upside down. Tried the auto feed – jammed. Retrieved paper, back on the bed, and was eventually successful using the total opposite settings to what the instructions said.

First rule of General Practice – no matter how carefully you position the prescription paper in the printer, the first one will always come out back to front or upside down.

Christ, you just reminded me of SCSI. I bought my first scanner back in 1998, then I had to learn how to set up SCSI devices using jumper switches to set the address. That was bad enough to get working, but then I bought a CD-RW when they first came out and it was so temperamental that you just had to walk away and not touch the computer until it stopped burning a CD.

CD writers weren’t SCSI’s fault though (SCSI was a far better interface than daisy chain parallel IDE). All CD writers were dicks. Even if you walked away, half the burns would fail. They didn’t even stop being dicks, we just stopped using them.

Our stupid microwave. To set a cooking time, you must press the bell button first. And once it’s going, you can’t see in it because the door doesn’t have a window. It’s made by Hoover  – avoid.

Edit: and when our washing machine gave up the ghost, my wife ordered a Hoover washing machine. Guess what! You can’t see in that either as it has a smoked window on the door. 😆

Cheese graters. . really , and I mean really. Is that the best thing you can come up with.

Printers, it’s all very Douglas Adam’s shoe event horizon

Consumer WiFi routers

Mudguards – okay, I wouldn’t be without mudguards in winter, but they’re still infuriating. Tap them even slightly or go over a pothole and they’re against a tyre. Toe overlap really becomes a problem. Break constantly.

Apple TV remote