If anyone is struggling- Please speak out

Hey everyone, I’ve been really struggling financially lately and haven’t had much time to come onto STW.

Can anyone tell me what happend to Jahwomble? to be honest I dread to ask.

I try and avoid modern living because all of the hardship and pain most people suffer is heart breaking for me. I don’t even like going to the shops, everyone is see just seems to be in a bad place.

However STW is a community and in these dark times for our people and these are dark times, we all have to realize that we’re in this together.

Anyone in a dark place, as long as there is breath in your lungs there is hope! bare that in mind.

Nice one Hora, as always, I like your style.

Can anyone tell me what happend to Jahwomble? to be honest I dread to ask.

Look at the sticky.

Took me while to figure out what a sticky was, I have very little time to be online.

I normally ignore those post at the top of the page as I thought they where just ads or promotional, I learned that something had happend to jahwomble after I skimmed past them.

In the thread hora posted. thanks!

I will tell people what my life has been like recently, later on.

I don’t really feel like it just now.

Everyone reading this who’s in a bad way, what ever it takes find the strength to keep going if you can.

I thought my week couldn’t get any worse after selling both of my bikes, guess I was wrong.

I don’t even like going to the shops, everyone is see just seems to be in a bad place.

I think you tend to see things like this when you’re not in a good place yourself. Despite my disagreements with your bearing choices and a few other posts, I hope you’re finding ways to work out of such ways of thinking, I’ve been there, it isn’t a place to stay for long.

Kaesae – have you a close riding buddy of same height who can lend you a bike for the odd ride?

Where do you live? I may be able to help.

Edit – just seen Edinburgh. We are too far away. sorry!

Respect to hora for starting this thread with admirable intentions. I guess we are all reflecting on our lives from very differing angles.

Many of us have felt complete and utter despair in a situation and feel embarrassed to speak with our closest friends. We are so confident and capable, right?

Everything in life is here, the best and the worst, and many’s a time when I have been touched by people’s kindness. Actually, we don’t judge cos we know fine well that our own life is far from perfect.

I will always ‘listen’ to people – I don’t want people to feel they are isolated. Sometimes it is easier to write things down and send it to someone who is a stranger. Except they are not, cos they ride a bike. My e-mail is in my profile.

Of course it would be nice if folk could excuse some of my recent postings. My recently diagnosed thyroid problem not only causes physical difficulties but mental ones too and much of my time is spent in a fog.

I like being here. 8)

Best
Thread
Ever

Of course it would be nice if folk could excuse some of my recent postings.

Eh? I’ve missed that……what I’ve seen of your recent posts has been absolutely fine. Hope you’re ok.

I admire your sentiments on this one Hora. People can be typing on here, completely oblivious or denying their problems. I’ve done it myself.

Unfortunately, I see far to many people, virtually every day at work, who just want to talk to someone, anyone, who is prepared to listen. I think it’s a great idea, with emphasis on the cautions from those above who know what they are talking about.

Just knowing that there is somewhere or someone to share or talk through a problem, or just generally spout bolox can make a world of difference.

It pains me to say it but………….nice one Hora 😉

A very kind thought Hora.

My sister’s suffering has made me aware of my own and my parter’s issues. Still I prefer to cope. But where is the line between coping and not-coping/needs attention? As a consequence of childhood experiences, I have a very low trust of medical people.

” think jumping off a cliff would do the trick… it’s not foolproof.”

Blimey, that was going to be my preferred method; I’ll have to have a re-think. Semi-joking aside – what a horrible experience that must have been 🙁

Healing vibes to everyone feeling low tonight.

Hey bunnyhop, yeah I have a couple of friends who could do that. I still have my commy, I just sold the forks and brakes and kept everything else. I’m also selling my Giant glory I haven’t even ridden it. But I loved building it up, all I get to do now is the fu king bearing kits and not much servicing or bike building.

To be honest my back is in a bit of a state due to not being able to pay to see my osteopath. The injury to my upper back or spine causes lots of symptoms and makes it hard to work.

It’s my own fault to be honest, everything was going good in terms of healing my upper back. So I built up an old giant DH team, changed all the bearings serviced some old 888 and then I went to aberdour on it.

Didn’t really do that much, but it took a lot out of me. Then I got the cold and that meant I couldn’t work too much again and it still seems to be lingering.

Anyway, I’m still in a good mood. My life is always hard and I’m always skint as I put all the money I get back into my bearings and company. If I hadn’t the bearings would never have been created. I also have my workshop, it’s where my living room used to be and I have quite a few thousand tools.

As long as I get to spend loads of time in my workshop I’m happy :-), thanks for the offer bunnyhop, I’ll get to go biking sooner or later! no more DHing no matter how much I want to, until I’m fully healed.

Do you have a full sus bunny hop and would you like some bearings? to test out see what you think 😉

Everyone else, try to let everything go and be at peace. When I get the time I will tell you all about the last 6 years of my life and how I keep going.

I will never surrender to despair and I will never give up! One day I like everyone else I will die. All that really matters is how we fill the moments between birth and death, also the attitude we have towards the world or life in general and each other.

I’m off for a walk in the terrential rain, I get the feeling we’re in for some serious flooding, then I need to get back to work. Later on I’ll tell you about the long night, that’s how I think about my life these past 6 years.

farewell!

Aren’t you a lovely bunch!

Kaesae – 6 years! Wow that’s a long time – keep going 🙂

Kaesae- life is odd, we don’t know why things happen to us, but your attitude is the best.
Keep enjoying the tools, the workshop and even the rain. Oh and get on a NHS list to sort that back out. Important things backs.

Bearings for the bike? very kind, I have no idea how a bike works ( bad I know), I just ride them.

.

?

Kunstler – Member
I’ve been anguishing about posting here for days. Even before this thread came up. Things are desperate.

Hello mate,

My email is in my profile and I plan to be around for a wee while, so email me if you want a chat.

Adam

Kunstler- No email in profile.

It’s not easy to say things in a few words, especially if you anticipate a deluge coming back. It brings a kind of pressure and speaking out is in conflict with just wanting to go away. Looking in on the forum has made me think about a few things this past week.

Diane – Member
Aren’t you a lovely bunch!

Kaesae – 6 years! Wow that’s a long time – keep going

Yes it is a long time, 18 months of chronic pain and you will have a lot of phsychological issues. 6 years and you either go a bit mad or end up very focused.

The worst thing was losing my health and fitness, once I was very fit and used to exercise everyday. 5 years of training Yoga, weights, running mountain biking, tai boxing. Then over night I could hardly walk, my balance was gone my speach was effected, even lost a good amount of my memory.

Now my life isn’t really any easier. I have to work to support myself, even when I slipped a disc in my lower back I still worked. I could only stand for a few minutes at a time and didn’t leave my flat for 10 months, used to get up from lying flat on my back on the floor throw boxes with frames in them out the door to the courier. Or collect them when they where delivered at the door.

I simply will not give in, I will find a way to do what I want to get done. Now I should be resting and recovering physically and phsycologically, but I need to work to keep my company going and also to pay for my treatments on my back.

I have to do exercises first thing in the morning and last thing at night and that takes a lot out of me, it’s very hard to keep going I’m so tired I can’t really concentrate.

That said I don’t have any choice, but too keep going. I’ll just stagger on as best I can for now. If my company goes under I’ll just come up with another plan.

Better go I have a lot of stuff to do including some servicing guides for people who want to change their own frame bearings.

Anyone reading this who’s having a hard time of it, refuse to surrender, you have that power!

Kunstler understand where you are coming from. If your local I’d have a drink with you.

10months? 😯 I was laid up for 3-4months after I was unfairly dismissed from my job so decided to take a month or so off for summer to ride. Then I fell off my bike and it took me upto an hour just to put a shirt on!!

Those were dark times.

3rd year anniversary of losing our little one at 37.5 weeks yesterday. Time definitely healing but it still hurts.

I think poor Lily Allen lost one yesterday at 6 months. Awful.

I know. 🙁

not sure on the STW opinion, but maybe C.A.L.M….(click to check their outdated website – due to be redesigned but struggling due to lack of cash AFAIK) could be a good charity choice if we’re doing something for jahwomble?

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kunstler,
anything i can do to help? (i’d have pm’d, but can’t find a pm-y doodad). presuming a deleted post type thing isn’t a happy thing..
ad

Thanks for your concern Adam, Hora and SG. I’ve written out a very long and candid reply in wordpad which I’m probably going to post. I’m kind of anonymous here and know that opening up would probably be a good thing for me but people might know me afterwards.

This is tough. I typed this post out last week and have been sitting on it since. I’m posting now but I may remove it again later.

I have been afflicted by depression for most of my life. It seems that everything I’ve ever done has been affected by some kind of breakdown or the consequences of that on others. Not a lot of continuity in my employment history. Plenty of chaos in everything when I was younger but eventually I found someone who became my rock and for a while our life together though not without trials was good. I got fit, discovered I liked exploring the countryside (in a recognisably obsessional way) and by consequence, biking and hills. I also became a dad. Best thing ever.

Steady-ish employment for a while and then redundancy gave me a drive to improve and a return to education (more forgiving and acommodating for those of us afflicted). I discovered a talent for art and pursued this to the end of moving the family to Edinburgh and getting a very good degree (if you can consider such in art). However, I was a student for a period of over six years with three major disruptions due to health including having to postpone my final year half way through. Towards the end of that period I went through a family breakup and my partner moved back to Norfolk with my son. That was unbearable and I was quite suicidal around the time of my degree show but buoyed by some success and opportunity I believed that I could have a good life and my son woud be back with me in the place that we both wanted to be. I also had another love in my life but increasingly leaned on her more and more as I fell apart again.

The following year was a dreadful one but after it I resolved to pick myself up and do a masters degree. I wasn’t ready. Still not well enough and the course never even really got started before I was asked to leave. Years of medication, psychiatrists, counselling and countless false starts followed. Two years ago I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. My new partner was loving and brilliantly empathetic (“it’s not tolerance, it’s love”) but conscious of her how her desire for a family wasn’t looking promising. Last year, I underwent psychotherapy which was working quite well and after five years was able to let go of some heavy baggage. I also got really fit, lost a lot of weight and was doing lots of biking.

This year, I resolved to sort my life out. Now happy in my settled home life I started seeing an occupational therapist and undertook some voluntary work with a view to getting a job and maybe renting a studio. Having finally made our flat very much our home I had a mini studio room both for music (another long term obsession) and art. I began being productive in both. Still a few panic attacks and periods of not coping very well but I had resolved to work harder.

But it had all been too much over all these years. She wanted me gone. A few months of desperately trying convince that it could be good – did some great, romantically wonderful things but mostly, shamefully got it very wrong and as I became increasingly desperate and depressed without having that person to turn to, made things worse. For us, her and for me.

I had my son up with me during the summer and when I brought him back to his mother I decided to put off dealing with things and stay at my parents house and took to locking myself away on my own. That was two months ago and I’m still here. My doctor and any help is in Edinburgh yet when I return there I will not have a home, a job (or prospects of such). I’m certainly not in a state to be able to deal with that right now. I can’t stay here and know that if there is to be any recovery and life to be regained I will have to go back to Edinburgh. But I think it will be the end of me because I’ve reached a point where not going on seems a better option than what I will have endure to overcome.

I was really into my biking up until June but body and mind are a wreck now. I’ve thought about giving my bike away. I looked in on this forum last week for the first time in months, not sure why. I read about Jahwomble and the ten page ‘discussion’ on depression and then saw the east lothian ride thread. I’ve passed a few of those folk in the Pentlands and Gullane point is very well known to me. It made me realise that biking would be a significant part of getting well again. I have to somehow pull back from the brink first. No real sign of that.

Kunstler sounds like things have been tough 🙁
I’m a problem solver so that’s how I deal with things – so take what I say through that filter!

It sounds like you’re at that place where you (sort of deep down) know one of the little steps you need to take
i.e. get out on your bike
but can’t get over the hurdle to get out on it. All I can practically do is to say
just try and focus on getting on the bike every day you can. Even if it’s just a 30 minute cycle. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage it but just try the next day.

I’m no shrink and only suffer from depression (never got it diagnosed due to what happened to my grandfather who suffered with it) but I hope you get yourself out of the grip of the black dog…

What a corageous post Kunstler. I agree with DaRC_L, tiny steps is the way forward. I know how hard it can be to get yourself out of bed some days, and I always found making lists a real help, even if the list consists of; Get dressed, wash up, have shower etc then you can feel like you have achieved something that day, and it makes the next slightly better.

Wishing you all the best, sorry I don’t have time to post more.

Agree with mrsflash. Even though your post is ‘anon’ in a sense it still takes guts to look deep and express yourself in public. 🙂

Kunstler- sounds like you need to come out on our regular rides and meet everyone. Fantastic group of people we have and all have some great stories to tell. My partner is an OT in mental health too – perhaps we could help you find the right people to get you on track.

Feel welcome to get in touch privately if you need a sounding board.

I am in South London for a couple of days, can’t get any more depressing than that!

Yes you can, I live there.

I have come late to this thread. Admirable sentiments from Hora to start it

For Hora advice and suggestion to truely help, we need to avoid the arguements, such as the ones seen on surrounded by zulu’s thread, TJ and SFB petty squabbling and conflicting and damaging opinions(for an example)

I can only apologise for this. I did attempt to step back (I posted 1/3 of the posts I wrote!) and I have learnt from it. I do feel tho that some counter to the misinformation SFB was giving was needed but my failing is exposed in the way it developed into bickering.

Kunstler

Please feel free to join some of the group rides. Social rides and you will not be judged. Fresh air an exercise is good therapy.

If anyone is in need I will attempt to listen and help. I hope I have been able to do so in the past and I hope I can in the future. I do have some experience from both sides of various treatments available and despite my perceived persona on here I can be a good listener.
So I ask of you that if you think I can be of help then please seek that help from me. My email is in my profile

South London

Hmmmph. I loved London. Loved it with a passion, wasn’t ready to move. Been in Manchester (like a giant inbred village) for the past 5yrs. Soo little to do compared to London.

Wish I’d never left. Be grateful. I also love Edinburgh for different reasons. Manchester feels like Doncaster on Steroids. Always makes me laugh when I see Japanese & Chinese tourists photographing themselves outside Old Trafford. Why would you come this far around the world to stand in Old Trafford?

Anyway, thats my opinion.

Kunstler – by reading your post (Well done for posting it by the way, I admire you’re guts already) it really does seem as if you’re a very self-aware guy and you seem to be good at reflecting and making plans…

These are HUGE skills to have in your mental toolbox! it sounds like you know what you’ve got to do, its just making that big step to doing them. As others have said, small steps and don’t rush yourself, everything you so is an achievement 🙂

If you’re in contact with a community team up in Edinburgh, try calling and explaining your situation with housing etc.. hopefully they’ll be able to point you in the direction of someone who can help. Make a point of telling them you cant stay where you are at the moment and be honest about how crap you feel. it’s really not a time to “man-up” or pretend to others you’re in a good place to do so.

hope you’re feeling better dude, remember, every little thing you do is an achievement when you’re feeling this bad! even having the guts to be honest to strangers 🙂

Thank you all for replying and for your help. My bike spent three months locked in the boot of my car and then another two in my parents shed. I’ve been on it once in that time. I should have joined the Edinburgh rides when you first started them. I used to ride the Pentlands about three times a week, it’s just procrastination seems to prevent from getting out when I plan to… or that’s how it used to be.

I’m not sure I recognise myself as you’ve described me Phil, but I know that what you say is right. I don’t have a lot of strength for evn the simple stuff. That’s because I know that once I start to engage with it that things are only going to get harder. Small stuff for now.

I have been suffering very badly with Chronic Cluster Headaches and now on a high dose of steroids (60mg Prednisolone) to break them up a bit
Had a bad attack at work in a team meeting then lost it big time with everyone including the manager. Ripped a few people a new arsehole and tore the company to bits for good measure

Now off sick and who knows what will happen when I return, been charged with abusive and threatening behaviour although I think it was because I seemed crazed due to the explosions in my nut

Doctor can’t treat the stress until the head has settled down a bit
Off to see a counsellor on Thursday, never seen anyone like that before and not sure what to expect.

Will let you know if talking really does help, hope so

Tijuana Taxi

Oops

counsellors vary both in the type of counselling and in how well you get on with them. Different sorts suit different people. I am a big fan and have seen great results from it -from rooting out deep seated issues to developing coping mechanisms.

AS for what will happen when your return off sick – do you mean you have been given criminal charges or disciplinary ones? Either way your stress / cluster headaches should be taken into consideration especially if the stress at work has contributed. Your work should not make you ill.

One step at a time. Get well first then deal with work.

Good luck!