I need to nobble a bike commuter – your ideas required.

Although I'm unlikely to ever be standing on a podium, I am able to work up a fair bit of steam on the road and I'm not too shabby on an XC course as well (well. in my own little world anyway).
Now then, I don't have a massive ego although I do sometimes have to have a word with myself on recovery rides if I spot somebody up in front.
There is however, a guy in the same building as me (different company so I don't have access to his bike) who, not to put too fine a point on it is f*****g fast! No worries, good man, up and at them etc. BUT the cheeky fu- person went past me last night as he does on a near daily basis but this time "Vroooooom!" as he whooshed past with a silly grin on his face!
I'm indignant! I'm outraged! I'm out for revenge! 🙂
I'm not looking to actually wreck him or his bike but some kind of witty comment at the traffic lights or quick way of letting a bit of air out of his tyre, fasten a brick and a long piece of rope round his seat post without him noticing? Any ideas?

Wee + Shoes = Revenge

vrooom….that is class. Just bow to his superiority.

find an item of his bike / gear / clothing that is better than yours and use that as an excuse as to why he's faster – i.e. he's got 10 speed etc

Use him as the reason to go out training and get better/faster yourself.
😉

Buy a dutch bike and a Caramel and relax

Just use the old "yeah, but I've got 50 miles left today" argument. OR grab his post and hold on!

get chatting, tell him you can't see how he goes as fast as he does…whilke keeping his heart rate below 70

(he really also should've slapped you on the arse as he passed – schoolboy error)

Empty cans and cans of latex tyre sealant into his tyres until theyre full of sealant and virtually no air, the car get you home stuff should do it… 🙂

kick him in the shins?

alcohol hand cleanser on his chamois

Wind his brake pads in.

i'd suggest deploying caltrops or perhaps even an oil slick behind once aware of his approach, maybe use finishline wet lube to keep it 'bikey'

find someone in your building capible of handing his ass to him on a plate ……get him to go VRoom as he makes them bite dust … i suggest Goan for this job !

I had a nobber on my last commute who liked to jump the lights……oddly he didnt appreciate being overtaken by the guy who was trackstanding at the lights on the next climb when he was breathing out his arse and i gave a cheery hello as i passed – infact perhaps its me your talking about 😉

Ask him who his dealer is? What Dr Fuentes' phone number is? etc.

When he's next overtaking, wait until he's along side you and go ROAAAAARRRRRR (like a lion)very very loudly, then, ride off as hes climbs out of the shrubbery into which he's just fallen 😀

Traffic light comment " your only this slow cos your always tired from seeing to his wife/girlfriend".

If this works, i bet you ride bloody quick to get away from the mad man when he turns on you!!

Some excellent suggestions there, cheers 🙂

Trail Rat! It's you! :-). Nah, I don't jump red lights, I have a peverse pleasure in trackstanding at every one of them I come to on red.

Sadly Crazy Legs, I suspect I'm as good as I'm ever going to get and to be honest, my wife suspects I've welded a bike to my arse, I'm sat on one so often.

Anybody know where I can get an extra large bottle of Finish Line Wet Lube. Let's have a look how good speedy boy is in his slide skills 🙂

I was gonna say: Ride your bike more dude – then you'll be faster.

But obviously you do that already.

Try a TT bike, tribars, disc wheel, skinsuit and **** helmet.

Failing that, hit the guy with a chain as he goes by – always works for me.

half a cup of ball bearings poured into his seat tube each day should do nicely

I think that we are all missing the point. This is your excuse if you needed one to buy a new bike. Obviously the other fella has a better one and thats what makes him go faster. At least thats what you can tell the mrs when she asks why you need it.

I knew someone who for a laugh put some prawns down someone elses seattube. Blimey that thing honked, you could try that?

Over tighten his head set? That should give him some good abrasions and bruises. Possibly even a fractured wrist/collar bone.

JOKING

Wheel suck the bugger for as far as possible and totally refuse to come through.

Or just chill and get on with your ride/life.

"you gotta get a carbon fraaaame"

"its all about performance"

You're tired cos you took the long route home. All 85 miles of it. 🙂

need to build a super stealth fast commuter.

PMWL

I have a good workout as a commute and there are a couple of far faster roadies who I presume are doing training runs who fly past me now and then, I have in the past done my best to keep on their back wheels and see if I can pick up any ideas on technique, last time was useful I realised I really wasn’t really using the gears as effectively as I could, others I’ve noticed have very precise body positions for Climbing and chopping along on the flat, many of them seem to be almost glued to the saddle…

Best comeback is to work on technique and fitness then smoke him next summer, no witty comment at the lights or minor act of violence/vandalism will ever make you look or feel any bigger/better than him, as it won’t change the fact that he’s faster on a bike than you…

Maybe ask him for some tips, most people respond well if you are friendly and enthusiastic, you never know he could well help you improve…

removable cores on the valves?

fill his tubes with water.

should be pretty easy, quick with a squeezy bottle, and will slow him down and make the bike feel REALLY odd (i would imagine)

no witty comment at the lights or minor act of violence/vandalism will ever make you look or feel any bigger/better than him, as it won’t change the fact that he’s faster on a bike than you…

I think the OP don't want to get witty violent, but is rather looking for a bit of piss take/banter. ALtough makes sure 'stoner on push bike" has a nice sense of humour.

See, that's the problem with being a roadie, the only pleasure in life is from being faster than someone else.
Just be smug in the enjoyment you get from mountain biking.

Thanks Juan I don’t actually have an “Irony filter” of my own and did actually believe he was after tips on antisocial behaviour, thank God you’re here to pick us all up on such minor points and prevent standards from slipping…

The point I was basically making though; use a bit of healthy competition as a training motivator…

But in the spirit of things, get the cone spanners on his rear hub at lunch time and add a bit of drag to the rear wheel, loosen the cable clamping bolts on his mechs so they slip out of alignment on any hefty up shifts, Oh and move is bars marginally off line too, too many course corrections will slow him down…

But in the spirit of things, get the cone spanners on his rear hub at lunch time and add a bit of drag to the rear wheel, loosen the cable clamping bolts on his mechs so they slip out of alignment on any hefty up shifts, Oh and move is bars marginally off line too, too many course corrections will slow him down…

Except he is from a (different company so I don't have access to his bike)

Otherwise ideal!

just open his seat qr as he vrooms past you

Train harder on a S/S and then at the lights ask "Oh how many gears do you have then?"

I'd like to say it works for me but I'm old and fat and fall off a lot which means I overtake very little unless it's stationary!

The details of how you do it are down to you, what you need though is several minor mechanical sabotages which collectivly cripple him, but cannot be traced back to you, thus giving "plausable deniability"….