Grieving and reflection

I lost my dear mum this year- suddenly to bloody cancer.

She was just about to fulfil her lifelong ambition of moving to their stunning house out in NZ.

Anyway

Am finding that I am reflecting back a lot…and it keeps creeping up on me and knocking the wind out of my sails so to speak.

Even the ‘best loco in the past 40 yrs’ topic on here has got me reminiscing …..remembering back to days at the Severn valley railway and day trips with our much treasured family rail card ;@)

Does it get easier….because I’m struggling !

It is part of grieving, it will get easier to cope with in time.

Maybe try and make a photo album of your most special moments or memories so you have something to physically look at and see rather than just going over it in your head, might help.

It does get easier. A common analogy is that you’re at sea, out of your depth, but you know where the shore is and you swim towards it day by day. Keep going and you’ll get there. I’ve seen good work from Cruse[/url]. Thnk of them as someone in a boat next to you. They can’t pull you out, but they can help keep you going.

That’s sad to read but I think it’s OK to keep looking back with fond memories that you can treasure.

I lost my father last year and every day I think of him but try to make sure it’s only good things rather than his suffering.

Time will slowly heal.

Trouble is I don’t seem to be taking any positives from the memories at all…. It’s all just stirring things up.

I struggle occassionally 2yrs on. It gets easier though. Remembering your Mother honours her. Cherish the good memories, dont dwell on the end.

What’s very odd is the way memories just pop into your head.

I had a friend called Jed (Jeremy), he died young from a heart attack. Best man at my wedding, he went out with my sister and I was fine with that.

I was in a meeting a couple of years ago and this lad came in, introduced himself as Jeremy and sat down. He had a lot of Jed’s mannerisms about him. I started crying, in the middle of a meeting. WTF!!?

Trouble is I don’t seem to be taking any positives from the memories at all…. It’s all just stirring things up.

Maybe you would benefit from bereavment counselling. It isn’t for everyone but it might suit you.

The brain is a powerful beast indeed

It’s going on for a couple of years since I lost both my parents to cancer. I wouldn’t say that I think of them every day but there are little things which can trigger my memories of them. Mostly I remember good times, places we went, times we were together. The loss still hurts though and sometimes I feel that I’m still a bit depressed about it. I definitely seem to have lost a little “spark”.

I also find it hard to watch anything on TV where cancer-related illness and death is involved. I’d much rather leave the room. I don’t know if that means I’m still struggling to come to terms with it or if that is a perfectly natural reaction.

For my “therapy”, I’ve actually just been looking at some volunteering work wit Marie Curie….. 🙂

Wise words from Hora about not dwelling on the end. Give her back her beauty and strength and remember her at her best.

It will take time but the pain will fade and you will look back fondly with a deeper appreciation of what she did for you. If you have young kids then watching them grow will remind you of your childhood and your Mum’s role in it.

My mum died over 4 years ago. I still miss her and find family occasions tinged with sadness due to her not being there to share them.

I think I will make some enquiries.

I’m not a bottler and recognise the usefulness of counselling.

I haven’t got the luxury of leaving the room unfortunately.

A paramedic practitioner.

First callout…straight after mums funeral.

End of life care patient…

I think I will make some enquiries.

I’m not a bottler and recognise the usefulness of counselling.

It is good if the counsellor is BACP accredited, then you know they have sufficient training and supervision.
Hope you find a better way of coping soon.

I’m in a similar same boat myself. But I’ve sailed before. Yes it gets better, but slowly and only if you let it. The feelings you are experiencing are trying but necessary IME. You either have them sooner or later, and sooner is better. It will hurt, but you need not be harmed if you express them. You will always miss her. But if you work at it, all your doubts, regrets and resentments will go and all that will be left is the feeling of loving memory.

FWIW I am finding bereavement counselling useful and will probably continue with it until the end of this year as there seems to be so much to talk and think about! A counsellor offers a unique role to to help you think though the toughest topics in a safe and trusting environment without imposition or fear of upsetting family and friends.

Not in exactly the same boat, but the loss of my last grandparent 18 months ago was pretty tough, especially as our pretty damn good efforts at CPR couldn’t save her (you don’t expect you first ‘real’ go at CPR would be on your Nan)

It really knocked me for a good while, but I’m getting there with it, and I think i’m in a good place with it now.

Good luck – I found it really helped to talk to my Mrs about it, but everyone is different..

It never gets easier, you just learn to accept it more.

Lost my dad 9 years ago, and still miss him like mad.

I’m getting married in 3 weeks, and really wanted him to have been there….

Ah teeto that’s tough… Real tough!

And a hurdle that I am going to face at some point also.

No easy words mate…

I guess it’s a very individual thing, everyone deals with it (or not) in their own way.

My Dad died 3 and a half years ago. I had an unusual relationship with him as we saw each other regularly, at least a couple of times a week, but he had strong opinions on many things and never shied away from expressing them so we’d often end up arguing.

I think about him most days but when I picture him it’s usually as he was in hospital, and sometimes in dreams (we’re often arguing then too). My Mum has remarked that I never mention him but just feel uncomfortable talking about him, especially with her. I suppose I’m still angry with him that the illness that eventually got him was partly self-inflicted.

And it’s made me constantly worry about how much time I’ve got left with Mum. Not a nice way to be thinking.

To the OP, no advice really just thought I’d add my experience (sorry, a bit rambling).

Birky

Thank you. You weren’t rambling, it made total sense.

I was quite the opposite.

Rarely saw my mum ( later in life) as they chose to live quite an independant life…they were caravan club wardens and loved their jobs, but chose / were given sites in remote parts of the Uk.

My mum was my role model, the one person I looked up to and wanted to make proud. My dad and I have always argued… He’s never ( until now) shown me much attention or love.

A product of his upbringing he probably didn’t exerience much love and therefore lacked the tools to pass it on.

He felt comfort in my mum, they became a unit…and that was to the detriment of the family.

Each time both mum and I got close…dad would shut it down with whatever means needed. Usually insults that caused us to argue and obviously he got what he wanted and I backed off.

Now I’m rambling…

Therefore my phenomenal bond with my mum was always at arms length both physically and emotionally.

She died on my birthday April the 9th…

Brack,

It is a tough time to get through… My father died in February and I am still getting through it. However I think as time is passing my grief is getting less ‘sharp’. However I do still have fairly frequent occurrences where unexpectedly a thought comes into my head which hits me hard.

What I am trying so say is that you are not alone and what you are feeling is totally normal, others have suggested bereavement counselling and I think that is a good option to consider.

Look after yourself.

J

It does get easier, and you aren’t alone.

It never gets easier, you just learn to accept it more.

I was just about to write something along these lines. I lost my mum to cancer almost three years ago. The last conversation we ever had was about the gearbox in her car.

Mum died five years ago. My perspective on it, and I understand that any perspective is intensely personal, is that you don’t ‘get over it’ but as time passes; you do learn to accept what is, and can’t be changed, to in the Chinese phrase “eat bitterness”. Even so, there are times when the wound that you thought was healed can suddenly become raw again. I find her birthday, Christmas, and the anniversaries of her death and funeral, are the worst.

You can’t ‘hold it in’ so it’s best to let your feelings out. Maybe that isn’t the advice you were seeking but you will reach some sort of accommadation over time.

Yes, it does get easier.
I took great comfort knowing that everthing I was feeling was ‘normal’, that I was neither a monster, nor pathetic. It’s been two and a half years and it’s now all ‘OK’. It’s got so I feel a twinge of sadness now and again, but giving it further thought always leads to a smile.

IMO you’ve started the process of healing OP. Get it out, tell people. I even told my Plumber (who is a good bloke and spent a fair bit of time relaxing/shooting the breeze). Talk, tell people, discuss. The more you do IMO the more you’ll get over the elephant/that huge breeze block thats hanging over your great memories of her. Get the end-game/last part of her life out of the way, then revel and love the memories.

When its your turn to go- how would you like your own children to deal with it/remember you? I want my son Zach not to suffer or cry. I want him to smile, laugh, tell people about me- the funny stories (Where everyone says ‘yeah I remember that about him the tight ****’!) and sometimes raise a glass to me. Somehow, somewhere, that would make me smile.

I most certainly wouldn’t want him miserable, losing weight, listless, crying and depressed. Thats my Widows eternal job 8)

So from the above, please think of what she would like you to be and do. 🙂

FTFY 🙂

You dont really ever get over it, but as time goes on you begin to realise that there is nothing you can do about it and that everybody dies at some point.

In your position you’ll get to see a hell of a lot of people who die in all sorts of circumstances, maybe try to use some of the memories from that to develop or change your perspective on death. It might work for you, but again it might not – everyone is different apart from that one thing.

Totally understand what you’re talking about. My mum died at the beginning of July, (on the 4th which is annoying, no way of that not being drilled into me every year).

First I distracted myself totally by selling an old bike then bying a new one, building it custom. Only really ‘hit’ me in August if I’m honest. Until then It just felt like she was away.

Following redundancy I moved back in then parents while studying, something I am very grateful for in retrospect, as I got to spend a couple of years with my mum, before she died.

I’ve been beating myself up a bit now and then. Partly its how my brain works, taunting me with the times I didn’t have time for her when looking back she was trying to spend time with me because deep down she knew. It is part of how the brain works, processing info that is important, it keeps it at the top of the memory.

Also I work facing the public so get 50 odd people saying random things to me through the day, usually one hits home once every other day, and I work locally so friends of the family keep popping in to “Check you’re doing ok.” and then hang around cos there’s nothing so say. They mean well but truth be told it doesn’t help.

Hard as well as my Dad is kind of a **** and I don’t much like him. Much of the dad stuff when I was growing was done by my mum, getting me my first shaving stuff, getting me riding a bike. Dad was never that bothered so she did it all.

I also made a really strong effort to replace the memories of her bedridden with cancer, with the normal ones of her bussling about, being busy, and complaining that there were 4 different pairs of boots and cycling shoes in the kitchen. Even talking to her a little when stuff was going on the house that she would have found amusing/disapointing/annoying, Cancer removes people bit by bit, day by day. Is simply horrible and that side left an indelible mark, Mum became someone else, helpless, dependent and almost mute. We got 6 weeks notice. Seemed unrreal at the time as when she told me she was still up and about, and it seemed an impossibly short time. They got it right to with 3 days.

Truth be told I still have a staggering amount of latent anger about so much but nothing to do with it. Also I feel cheated. She was 65 and in no way infirm or decaying, she was busy, out and about, and could have continued to be so for 20 more years with ease.

I spend most of my time pretending it isn’t true. But I’m very far from ok yet. But stuff keeps happening, work, riding, seasons etc… and suddenly its nearly October… bit mental.

Heres the wierd thing. I was on my works doo last December and my Mum rang me. I thought ‘wierd, why ring late evening’ and she said ‘you know what today is/just to talk about it’ (even though they’ve been divorced over two decades ago). I’d totally forgotten the date. How/why I don’t know as the previous year when it happened – the news caused me to lose over a stone in weight in a month.

Mum died aged 64, after twenty years battling a severe form of rhuematoid athritis. It was heartbreaking seeing her suffer, and knowing that there was nothing that you could do to stop it. Life is cruel, and unfair, and an utter sh*t to people who have done nothing to deserve their fate. Perhaps that is a part of how I feel.

And the telephone call… I knew the moment my phone rang that it was the hospital with the Bad News, in fact all day I’d felt something was amiss with Mum, yes, she was in there but she was expected to be released within a couple of days. I felt that I missed out on saying goodbye but what would you say and do given the opportunity?

In a very similar boat to many on this thread. Lost my mum last June after months in and out of hospital earlier in the year.

I had a certain resignation that she wouldn’t make it out of hospital, and when she did eventually pass away all the practicalities were dealt with very robotically by my brother and I, given we’d lost my dad a few years earlier.

First few weeks I drank heavily to numb the senses, and then got myself back on an even keel and started training for an event I’d signed up for. Now then event is over I’m beginning to do the grieving, like others have said different people deal with things differently.

Since the passing of my father, my mother had been unhappy and lonely despite all our best efforts and in some ways I can only take solace in the fact she is now at peace.

The last memories are often the freshest ones and sometimes it is difficult to see past these, but you must and remember the good times and treasure these dearly. Again photo albums are a really good way of doing that.

It sounds cheesy but time is a great healer, and things ease over time especially if you grieve rather than bottle things up and deal with the thoughts and feelings. I grieved for a long time over my father as we had a very close relationship, this time round losing our mother my brother has been hit quite hard by it and is currently using a bereavement counsellor which he is finding very helpful.

Once you’ve got over the worst of the grieving, take stock and reflect on your own life. If anything death underlines just how precious life is and for me put great emphasis on leading a happy and fulfilled life.

‘what would you say given the opportunity’

I gave a small speech at my Dad’s 70th party, which turned out to be just a few months before he suddenly died.

I told him how we all loved him and what a great Dad he had been/ was. He was very touched. As things turned out I was extremely glad I’d not bottled the opportunity (not a natural public speaker). It made things a lot easier later in my case

They’re not always going to be there – make sure they know how much you love them

To the OP, apologies for the off-topic sermon, I hope you start to feel better soon, you just go on, it’s the only way.

blurty why is that off topic? Its beautiful and very relevant. Thank you.

Cheers guys/ gals…

Ive just been out in the workshop spraying an old 1930’s tandem that I was given a few weeks ago. Everything is covered in yellow spray paint including the entire contents of the shed. :^)

I had a blub last night…and will continue you to do so for many years to come I am sure.

Your comments as total strangers offering support and love, whilst sharing your own very raw and personal experiences has touched me – thank you !

Life is a s**t

My mum passed away within 8 weeks of a diagnosis. From paddling the islands of the Coromandel in NZ – to the UK diagnosis and the haunting look on her face as the consultant told her she was going to die.

With the years I know that her untimely yet sudden death will be a comfort to me – I did not see her suffer, and the entire family had their momment to talk, one to one. Thank god!

My dad is in he last stages of terminal cancer, we have known about it for 2years
The good thing about it, is I tell both my mum and dad every day that I love them.
I didn’t do this before the illness, and I realise it was wrong.
THe way I look at it is I’ve had 2 years appreciating my parents , I’ve always had a great relationship with my folks, but would urge you all to go that extra mile and give them a hug and tell them what you think of them regularly.
My dads still a star, someone asked him how he was last week
He said, I’m like the titanic, slowly sinking!
Brought a lump to my throat, but plenty time t cry when he’s gone

I my mum died as a result of the big C on 8th Feb 2011. I’d left a lab session to grab an early dinner when I got the phone call no-one ever wants to hear.

For me, there came a point where I realised that I was so focused on her passing away, and the sadness, loneliness and unfairness of it all, I’d stopped thinking of the happier times. When I started concentrating on those times, things started to get better.

It does get easier, but still, after 11 years, every so often, something will happen that will knock me for six.

My brother died about a year and half ago. Last friday would have been his birthday. A good cry is normal I think.

Grieving is very personal.

My mum passed away unexpectedly although she was ill several years ago. I still carry thoughts of her and she is always in my heart.

Remember the good and great times, its nothing to worry about and probably a good reflection on you that you do.