Give me your best management speak ……..

My boss seeing the new Trek trade pricelist:
How ****' much?! Bloody protestants and their prices!

come on this is not rocket science 😆

I had a bit of an outburst @ our management meeting today about the use of "going forward" all the time.
After that it was funny watching people start to use the phrase and then either use "next time" or "we could" 😉

A Scots boss talking to a load of Germans.

"Ok lads its an FIFO moment"

That would be Fit In or **** Off, not First In First Out as I and a couple of others thought.

"Going Forward"

we can't use the word "Problem", it has to be "Issue" I use problem all the time, just to piss people off

My current favourite is the use of 'brigade' as a verb – "Let's brigade our thoughts on this"

Issue is too negative. Challenge or opportunity are preferred.

Or headwind.

clubber, they tried to use a more positive phrase than issue, but when you're sending out the wrong tax forms to the wrong people, it becomes a challenge to use any word other than issue going forward…

Facilitate – anyway I've met who "faciilitates" does **** all

Current things coming out of my own mouth making me wince: empowerment, engagement, cohesion, inclusion, exclusion, third sector, web 2.0, social media, social networking, digital development, final third first. I don't know what happened, I got sucked in ;O(

Calling employees " associates."

Populating the matrix, is another good one.

Lets not try to boil the ocean.

The real sad thing, is the guys who are hooked into this type of talk believe the bullsh!t.

The techy guys at my work… 'what's the killer question?'

pushing the envelope

Resources, as in HR. I like the word "people".

oh and I managed to get the phrase "sell the air" used by senior management, little did they know I was having a personal in joke referencing the end of a Pavement song from the album Terror Twilight.

sadly I am guilty of using many of the above….

how about 'empowerment' 'ownership' 'information radiator' or one I used rather successfully today a 'pull model'.

personally I quite like JFDI.

'Piece' as in some work that needs to be done. eg 'We're looking at how to implement this across the piece.' 🙄

"Your cock-up, my arse". Use it with my staff all the time. They love it!

I managed to use serendipity, leverage and in the first instance in a marketing pitch last week. 🙂 and also 🙁 that I had to.

in any way, shape, or form. 😡

I've perhaps mentioned this before, but an ex-manager once asked me to compile him a list of all the things I hadn't thought of. When I queried whether that was actually what he meant, he said yes. I handed him a blank sheet of paper later that day, he wasn't best pleased.

Transition used as a verb.

Im not sure whether this breaks the rules of grammar but "I'm going to try and transition it smoothly" used by the gf when talking about getting a new job

T' crossbeam's gone out of skew on t' treddle

An old boss once said to me speaking about a potential new recruit who he knew
"as long as you put your foot on his throat and treat him like a nazi you'll be fine…."

I didn't and we were fine

When I worked at MFI they dreamed up a new company slogan, printing umbrella's mugs etc with it on, the slogan "Power Of One".
The initials make it little wonder that the company crashed, I still have the brolly for nostalgia though……..

I just overheard a great one from a male manager to a female member of staff.

"How long have you been doing him for?"

the hustler – Member
When I worked at MFI they dreamed up a new company slogan, printing umbrella's mugs etc with it on, the slogan "Power Of One".
The initials make it little wonder that the company crashed, I still have the brolly for nostalgia though……..

Lol

Made For Idiots POO

If it's still available on iPlayer, "Think the unthinkable" was a brilliant take on the world of management consultancy – though the buzzwords are probably a little out of date and warrant kicking around to see which have currency, legs and traction.

Learning "intervention".

It's a **** training course, twunts.

We used to keep a book of the poor attempmts at management speak that our ct boss would say
"We're just the last kog in the chain"
"I'm only human – I think most of us are" That's made me laugh just writing it!

Now a days my most hated is "Absolutely!" used in a strange way to infer that you are perfectly aware of all these brand new facts that are being fired at you.

A lot of people where I work use "PDQ" (as in "I need this PDQ") in meetings all the time & it winds me up. I was in a meeting one day & I said "I need it FP". When I was asked what "FP" was, I replied with F**king Pronto!

Works a treat in meetings. Try it!! 😉

my corruptions:
depart mental meetings
tickling boxes

I feel empowered!

what we need is a campaign of customer value enrichment!

slightly different but at my work many people need to go on "manual handling" courses. basically lifting stuff!

the wife could do with a little "manual handling" experience imho! 😉

perhaps she should tackle the issues with both hands rather than with one finger on the me button?

noteeth – Member
Could you cascade that please.

One of our clients uses that all the time, and we've had to put a 'cascadation (sic) matrix' into place as evidence of our information cascade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ysN4OlcS7I

Talent assessment!

Team work…. makes the dream work…