Family secrets

nickc- are you famous? You could get the BBC to pay for a trip to find your rellies!

My mum divorced her first husband (father to my three sisters) after he had an affair with her mum, my grandmother.

My dad's (my mums second husband) father went to war for WW2. his mother (my other grandmother)used to have men round a lot at night during that time. I guess times were hard….

you'd never have guessed what they were both like, looking at them in their 80's!

Now many many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
My daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife
To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him br'ther
Of the widow's grown-up daughter who was also my stepmother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because altho' she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become the strangest case I ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

I dont understand why people lie by omission to thier kids over stuff that is comparatively harmless if told, but distressing to the kids later if its been withheld. If you grow up with knowledge it is just information, not some dread scary thing revealed to you like it was evil.

A carefully discussed issue can be positive. In my family a young girl found out in very distressing circumstances that her grandfather killed her grandmother then committed suicide. It was something that had been 'covered up' for years. As a result she was very distressed. The correct alternative would have been to tell her about it in a calm setting, explaining about shell shock from wars and about mental health issues and that the situation was sad, but these things happen.

But instead, once the truth was accidentally out, the girl was told by her mother that she had to give her word she would never tell her brother the truth about the grandparents. She was only about 12. She was left distressed, compromised and used. The way the adults around her behaved was despicable, all because they had been taught to fear the (sad but totally harmless) truth.

Give pause for though about the consequences of secrets and of what your kids might be put through later, when they find out your lies. Why break their trust in you over silly things like divorces and illegitimate kids?
Why hurt them to save yourself some minor discomfort?

I discovered that I once had an elder brother, but he died soon after he was born.

I didn't discover this until my late father told me about him some 40 years later.

I don't think it was meant to be a secret, but you can imagine how my parents would have felt about it. I'm sure they wanted to forget about the whole sorry affair and so why prolong things by having the subject dug up again and again?

They pobably also didn't want to upset us either.

Knowing this made me realise how lucky I am.

Everyone has secrets….. everyone!
I don't think this is generally a bad thing. When exactly is the right to broach events from a families past? In some ways there never is a good time?

Midnighthour you mentioned this young girl was 12 years old when she accidentaly found about the truth. At what age would you have preferred her to find out about a family Murder/suicide? 12 years old is still young.
Maybe the family were waiting untill she was older to tell her the news. I wouldn't really say it was decpicable for them to keep it from her at that age. Just out of interest how old was the brother who she had to keep it from? I'm assuming under 12yrs.

At some stage I will have to tell my kids that their Grandad / my Dad took his own life. I've never really thought about it to be honest but after you mention this it does make me wonder when will the right time be. I certainly won't be making a big deal about it though and sitting them down for a chat. I imagine at some stage they'll start to ask questions. At that point I guess i'll decide for myself if I think they're old enough to take it all in. Who know's

I married my grandmother, then divorced her after I realised she was having an affair with my ex wife. I then proceeded to marry my cousin Mary, but found out she wasn't really my cousin, but my sister. I didn't mind too much though, her cooked breakfasts were great.

We don't keep any secrets in our family, we're very open in our relationships. I'm now married to uncle Bernie, I thought her name stood for 'Bernadette' but it turns out it stands for 'Bernard.' There's nothing civil about that partnership, let me tell you.

At some stage I will have to tell my kids that their Grandad / my Dad took his own life.

Do you? What's so wrong with keeping stuff like that a secret?

Do you? What's so wrong with keeping stuff like that a secret?

Nothing wrong with keeping it a secret but the way he died is not something to be ashamed of and has been a huge part of my life so i'm sure it will come out at some point.

If they ask and I feel they are old enough to take it in then I'll tell them. I'm not going to lie to my children and the fact that he was in his 40's when he died is bound to bring the whole "how did he die" question at some point. Apart from that its a matter of public record on his death certificate so something they could easily find out at any point when doing a family tree for instance. Something like this I would want them to hear from me and not find out they've been lied too.

Aracer, lots of other reasons for and against I am sure, but if you ever see someone for your own mental health problems, a family history is of great value to your assessment and treatment. Just because you don't know your granparent took their own life that doesn't mean you may not still be more predisposed to do so yourself for both biological and psychosocial reasons. It is somenthing else to get preoccupied about of course, but as a professional I would still rather know that about my own family than not know.