Family secrets

My wife and I popped round for tea at my parents' tonight. My wife is expecting our first bairn, and her and my mam were talking about this whilst I sorted out yet another self-inflicted computer problem for my dad.

I could hear wife and mam talking about morning sickness, and heard mam say, quite candidly, "I wasn't sick at all with Steve, but I was sick all the time with my second".

This was a rather interesting thing to hear, since I've lived all 33 years of my life under the impression that I'm an only child.

I was so stunned I didn't even respond. It was only when my wife mentioned it on the way home that it even really registered.

I think a chat with mother could be on the cards.

Bit of a mindf**k, really. I could do with a drink.

Stillborn? Miscarried?

Possibly so. It still seems strange to me that it's never been mentioned – ever – by anyone in the family.

I think Id just be blunt and ask directly, but would be mindful it might be harder to speak of than listen to.

Thats my 2p.

do they have a cellar/attic you don't know about?

It still seems strange to me that it's never been mentioned – ever – by anyone in the family.

I wouldn't be surprised if my sister has never told her 2 kids about all the miscarriages she had between their 2 births – she was pretty screwed up about them as they were very advanced pregnancies. I'll ask next time I speak to her – but I wouldn't dream of telling my nephew (grown up and married) and my niece if she hasn't told them.

Could be a cot-death? I have hazy memories from four years of age of my younger brother dying from that. If you were maybe one or two you very probably wouldn't remember it.

Count the number of windows on the outside of the house, then see if they tally up with the number of windows inside. If they don't match, there may be a secret, walled up room in the house.

I had a sister, Elizabeth who died when I was two years old. She only lived for a few months.

I couldn't remember anything about her, I was too young.

My mum didn't tell me about it until I was 18 or so. I think she was always worried that my brother (5 years my junior) would be upset if he thought he was a 'replacement'.

She still gets very upset about it occasionally, 28 years on.

😕 I don't know why anyone needs to treat this as some sort of joke…..it's his mother we're talking about – and a possible sibling.

When my wee brother was at the toddling about stage, he pulled a cup of scalding hot coffee off the sofa arm onto himself. He was quite badly burned and obviously distressed but my mum's reaction was totally unexpected; a very strong woman, she just went completely to pieces.

She was completely hysterical and it was left to me (11 at the time) to get a packet of frozen peas onto the injury and go to a neighbour's house to organise a lift to the hospital.

My dad (divorced years ago) told me years later that when my mum was about ten, she watched her little brother pull a pan of boiling water off the cooker onto his head, which killed him – thus the reaction to the coffee cup incident. She has never said anything about her missing sibling to me, my sister or wee brother.

stevestunts, that does sound like a strange thing to happen.
When you say you popped round, I take it you visit fairly frequently ?
Next time, try and leave them alone again. No doubt the conversation will turn to babies again and Mrs stunts will have the opportunity to ask for further details if you can prime her with some questions.

It's sometimes hard to talk about these things. I know my mum, but I don't know who my father is or was and it won't be discussed.
I'm 50 and feel like I.m running out of time to ever know, every time I see something like 'Who do you think you are' it gets my mind racing.

That's pretty mad.
My mum went on holiday with my gf at that time (seems strange in itself now) & told her she had previously been married / divorced which was a complete surprise to me. (& I haven't even mentioned to my ma ten years on)

It's less strange that she might have decided not to tell you about a second child and far more strange that she should choose to disclose it to your wife in such an apparently casual manner, as if this is something that had never been a secret.

Think more than one drink might be on the cards.

Nothing strange about it at all, like others have said miscarriage, cot death or still born are all feasible. Some people never raise the subject as there's no need when your young and then it becomes no need to mention it also it was a taboo subject at one time. Nothing odd in telling your wife maybe she thought it was time to bring the subject up and this was the only way she could think. She could be thinking it's odd of you took no notice and carried on fixing the computer.

abit wierd tho she had mentioned it to steve's wife and not to steve himself….i guess thats a woman thing… but yeah still births, misscarriage, cot deaths are all 'difficult' subjects to talk about in the open if you are the kind of person that 'bottles' things up, and afraid to talk about….
you could just have a quiet word with your mam and say 'you overheard the conversation and ask if ya mam would like to talk about it ? if she doesnt want to then leave it at that… 😉

Nowt as queer as folk 🙂

the OH found out her mum had been in an abusive marriage before by stumbling into an old diary in the loft… still hasnt approached her mum about it to this day.

my parents told me all the family secrets at a stupidly young age, grew up knowing the dark side of life and it definately effected me…. think what i'm trying to suggest is that there's no right way to deal with things and no "right" time to tell your kids

still births, misscarriage, cot deaths are all 'difficult' subjects to talk about in the open if you are the kind of person that 'bottles' things up, and afraid to talk about….
you could just have a quiet word with your mam and say 'you overheard the conversation and ask if ya mam would like to talk about it ? if she doesnt want to then leave it at that..

i agree with elaines post above, as hard as it will be, dont make the conversation about it.. about you, very easy to end up along the lines of "why didnt you tell me? how do you think this has effected me?" and so on.

sometimes its the whole family that doesnt know, not just the kids… a surprising amount of women dont tell husbands/partners either so it might be worth being wary of bringing it up in front of anyone other than your mum.

hope you're ok dude!

Its not unusual, and a sign that your mum fully trusts your wife – its a good thing.

And "womens' business" as my Nan would've said, "naught to do with thee"

cricky donr bring 'Nans' into the converstation :lol:…they know too much !!!! gossip gossip 😉

Last week we had my parents round for a meal to celebrate their wedding anniversary. My elder sister was born in Dec 63 and so we'd assumed their wedding was in Sep 62.

My wife asked them how many years it was this year and they exchanged sheepish looks and said 47. I questioned it knowing sis will be 47 this year and the truth came out! Looks like sis was a very early honeymoon baby!

I suppose it was the start of the swinging 60s. So it seems my sis & I celebrated their 25th anniversary a year early. We did miss their 40th anniv but had we done so it woud have been a year early.

I suppose all their safe sex lectures weren't just nagging, but a warning from experience.

When asked about it, they just said things like " we thought you knew" and "after a while you just stick to what you have been telling everyone"

I suppose it's one of those things. It's not a secret per sé, but it just never comes up. First you're too young, and then 'when's the right time' becomes 'well, we should have said something years ago, why bring it up now?' I doubt there's any huge conspiracy, so much as she's never got around to saying anything and then never saw the need.

If it -was- a big secret, why mention it so casually to someone else? Hell, maybe she wants you to know and doesn't know how to broach you with it. "Hi Steve, nice day. You had a sister but she died when you were two. Pass the sugar would you?" Not the easiest thing to bring up after thirty years.

The recent birth of our child outed a family secret or two, ask the question, you may not like the answer and you could unleash a whole world of emotional pain on yourself and other people.

Sometimes the past is best left where it is.

My Dad had a baby brother who died at the age of just one. Nobody ever talks about the boy, just when we pay out dues on All Saints Day we go and light a candle in his name.
I also found out my Granny wasn't Dad's mother, she was his auntie. His mum died from the effects of Auschwitz concentration camp in the early 50's and her sister stepped in.
Families are complicated, that's what makes us all unique.

I'm a big believer in family secrets. My family get on really well and IMO its because we tell each other the absolute minimum.

my parents had a baby between my brother and I, who died in the womb, and was born at about 8 months gestation. I was told once as a teenager and it's never been mentioned again, unsurprising really, it's a very difficult subject – having to give birth to a baby you know is already dead. Heartbreaking.

I know things about each of my parents that they don't know I know. Since they haven't spoken about them to me, I figured that it's not for me to raise these things with either of them.

Children often find it hard to cope with the idea that they don't know everything about their parents. Sometimes, it's best left unasked.

So, what's the STW concensus on telling kids about prev. divorce? I'm a no, my good lady is a yes. I see trouble ahead!

My mum only found out her dad wasn't her real dad in the midst of a row (with her cousin not parents) when she was 19. She has never got a word from her own mum about it, everything she knows about her real dad is from relatives. Its not even that bad a story except that her real dad literally left town overnight when he found out he was going to be a dad ( 🙁 ) and her 'new' dad and much older half/step brothers stepped in and treated her exactly like their own flesh and blood. ( 🙂 ) I suppose being a pregnant single woman in 50's france was pretty badly frowned upon…

On a funnier note, my father in law has a 'secret' holiday home in Northamptonshire (Northants: why???!) that he thinks that none of us know about. That sort of secret is just plain daft. Unless he has a skunk farm or the bodies of his business rivals in there. I think one day I will suprise him by posting a birthday card to him there 😆

My mum told me all the stuff that had happened, when I was pretty young, so I've always known that her dad died when she was 11 or so and her mum when she was 32, younger than I am now. There was also a late miscarriage of an accidental third pregnancy, I must've been four or so when that happened – although I didn't know about it at the time.

I've always known these things pretty much, but only as an adult have I actually re-thought about them and realise what she must've gone through and how difficult it'd have been. And I was there for most of it too (apart from the dad thing). Weird.

I've known for as long as I can remember that my mother has a miscarriage between my birth and my brother's. Plus that my grandmother had a child who died at a very young age.

No probs talking to my mum about it either, not that I have ever felt the need to in depth.

"I wasn't sick at all with Steve, but I was sick all the time with my second".

under the impression that I'm an only child.

I'd take from that first sentence that are an only child, the conversation was about pregnancy and morning sickness. She's talking about a second pregnancy, not a second birth. You'd have been young at the time and probably pretty oblivious and your mum could have been experiencing morning sickness before she was visibly pregnant and could have miscarried before then too. If you we're only 2 or 3 years old she could have been quite obviously pregnant and you'd be non the wiser.

I doubt its been hidden from you, its not a secret, it just hasn't been a topical subject for discussion until there was a conversation about Morning Sickness.

My MIL talks about her 2nd, the 2nd unfortunately miscarried so i think she maybe referring to that, your wife is obviously well thought about and so she could probably ask your mum to clarify the details. Although it maybe womans stuff and nought for the lad to know about. 😕

Good luck to you both

My mum discovered a few years ago that her mum had an unconsumated marriage before she went on to marry the man who would be my grandfather.

Tis weird the things that come up in the long run but it sounds like the OP's mother didn't go full term on the second. It probably wouldn't do any harm to ask, tell her what you told us in a quiet moment and ask if she would be okay to talk about it. Time can heal some pretty deep wounds and she seems to be able to talk about it from what you say.

Wasn't there someone on here who told his cousin, when they were kids, that she was adopted? She only found out that he was lying when she told her parents, aged 18, that she would like to trace her real parents.

When my wife's grandmother died, we found out that her grandmother had been stabbed and killed by a burglar. My mother-in-law knew, but it was never talked about.

My Great Grandfather's "sister" turned out to be his mother, and she worked at the local manor house as a maid. We have never kept the fact that my father died when I was six from our sons, and they know that their grandfather is not my father.

I found out at the age of 38 that I have a sister, its big news.

Steve if ever you want to chat to someone about this let me know, my email is in my profile. I have now met my sister who is three years older and has three kids. These kids have a kid each and thus in one conversation I found out I am not only an uncle three times over but a great uncle.

Its a lot to take in but in this case all positive

My mum miscarried a girl in between my elder brother and me, they were planning on a two child family…

Found out recently that my grandmother was Anglo-Indian. It was a point of embarrassment for her according to my mother, we're doing some searching and it may turn out that some family 'friends' in Pakistan may be more than friends…exciting times TBH