Dear Allotment Thief

You scabby, scabby, scabby, scabby, scabby little weasel.

Only had the plot 6 months. Probably spent 100 hours this year digging it out, planting etc – first trip down today for 2 weeks to do some weeding, and the first vegetables that are coming to fruition (broccoli) and you’ve already robbed 3 of what I can only assume were the largest as the others aren’t even ready.

I hope whilst steaming them, you drop the boiling pan on your foot, go hopping through the house in pain, slip over your copy of weasel-weekly in your living room and land head first in the fireplace. I’ll be sat at the top of the chimney waiting for you.

Turd.

That’s piss poor! I would be fuming if anyone plundered my plot.
Do you have an allotment society? If so are you a member? If not I would start to suspect those who are! Ours is a very much us v them mentality which I hate.

How secure is your site?

It’s secure (ish) – but it’s an internal job though; a lot of folk get stung and there are strong suspicions of who it is; I try to remain impartial without evidence, but anecdotal stuff does build a compelling case.

This is my first time as the victim though; just gutted as not got that much planted, as spent so much time digging out beds/couch grass/tipping it etc to get ready for next year.

See if you can get a motion sensing camera on hire and take them down!

I properly sympathise, if it’s a plot holder then chances are it will keep happening. We have some issues on our plots but no one would ever steal produce.
If it were my plot I would have to know who was doing it, a small investment in a motion activated camera then once I had proof a very stern word in the perpetrators ear!

Well that sucks donkey balls.

Sounds like a job for Anti-Pesto

See if you can get a motion sensing camera on hire and take them down!

If you want to ‘take them down’ what you need is a flask, sandwiches, and a ghillie suit a pair of bombers and a nice warm hideout – the compost heap maybe

get down Tesco, they’ve got loads of broccoli for very little money and you don’t have to do any digging!

http://www.play.com/PC/PCs/4-/32932774/730181332/Swann-SW361-OBC-Surveillance-Network-Camera-Colour-CMOS-Cable-USB/ListingDetails.html

Maccruiskeen, I want that outfit!

Discussed camera idea; but it set-up means it’ll have to be positioned on top if a shed, and they’ll probably just nick that too.

I wonder if you can get broccoli shaped explosives?

thunderflash and booby trap

my dad gave up his allotment due to theft… just wasn’t worth it

Maccruiskeen, I want that outfit!

Are you going out on the pull? 🙂

I wonder if you can get broccoli shaped explosives?

You could mix your baby bio with polonium

Are you going out on the pull?

It can only improve my chances; might end up with an Ent though!

there are strong suspicions of who it is

Good enough for me. Shit down his celery.

Some fertilzers go bang . . . . .it would be awful if some spontaneously combusted in his shed . . .

there are strong suspicions of who it is

Good enough for me. Shit down his celery.

+1

Stake out the place. Catch him at it and film it. Then spring from cover, apprehend him, hogtie the sonofabitch with some zipties and leave him on the allotment. Meanwhile call an allotment holders’ meeting and present them with the evidence.

‘Plant’ one of these so to speak:

and then just look for a broccoli loving thief with no legs.

Alternative, can you use picolax as a fertiliser?

Cheers

Danny B

Stick some pins through some of your crop. You’ll know they are there and where you put them. The perp won’t

dannybg Good to see the personal touch with the trigger, but might want a pressure plate as well for non stakeout times

Apparently a previous allotment chap would stake-out all night in his shed, armed with food and an aggressive attitude. All he ever saw was cute hedgehogs and foxes.

This is the problem with an internal job; whatever I do must be discrete.

I like the pins idea, but I’d prefer something that would blow his head off.

Local Neighbourhood Watch? If you have one, inform the coordinator and they’ll put it in their newsletter – the perp might see that people are onto him

That really is a despicable thing to do. 😐

Do hope you find the perp and sort him/her out.

I blame America

Aldi had motion sensor cameras for bit a lot very recently… My dad has one for pine marten duties.

The hottest chili powder you can get hold of, liberally sprinkled over your plants.

If they rub their eyes after thieving your veg, they’ll know about it…

When you catch the person(s) just baseball bat him/her senseless if s/he looks like a well fed adult. Violence works. 😈

However, if the person(s) is starving then you just give them away free but remind them to ask first next time …

One of these will do it

http://www.brinno.com/html/TLC200.html

Maccruiskeen, I want that outfit!

I’ve still got mine from my old job.

Took me ages to make it, so wasn’t gonna get rid of it!

No idea what I’ll do with it tho! 😳

That really is a despicable thing to do.

I’m not sure it’s despicable. I reserve despicable for murdering grannies for their pensions and the like.

dannybg Good to see the personal touch with the trigger, but might want a pressure plate as well for non stakeout times

Claymore mines can also be set up with a trip wire.

I used to have this problem, lots of houses had gate access to plots at the bottom of their gardens, came one day and somebody had stripped all my currants and gooseberries, corn on cobs going walkabouts,never lost any equipment from shed etc just produce,so gave it up in the end and used my garden

scum. sub-human scum.

I used to have some very middle class neighbours who would nick plants off the council flowerbeds. The problem with this country ain’t the scallies, it’s the attitude of thieving sods who should know better.

Place these liberally around the plot, plant in between (make a map!) and the perp will still be there in the morning so you can have a stern word with them.

Death is too good for em.. 😈
I caught one of the neighbours kids nicking my sweetcorn last week.. I wanted to nail him to the front door!!
Little ****!!!

My mate’s tatties started turning brown and dying off, just as they were ready to dig up – nothing they did made a difference, they just keeled over and died. When he tidied the plot up, he found out that someone had dug them up, nicked the spuds and just stuck the stems back in the ground again.

People can be pretty sh!tty. 🙁

This thread has so much potential. Good luck OP.