Daughter suffering with social anxiety – help!

“…but it feels like you are telling us that we are wrong and we should just accept that she is who she is and any help that we try to give (help that she is asking for) is just making matters worse.”

That’s absolutely what I’m suggesting. 100% that.

That’s absolutely what I’m suggesting. 100% that.

So, despite her asking for our help, you suggest we don’t do anything and expect her to either live with it or sort herself out?

And what about this bit? Am I right about this too?

With all possible respect, you appear to be looking at this as someone who has experienced trauma around a similar situation and you seem to be projecting your personal experience onto our daughters’ situation.

And what about this bit? Am I right about this too?

With all possible respect, you appear to be looking at this as someone who has experienced trauma around a similar situation and you seem to be projecting your personal experience onto our daughters’ situation.

Of course. I’ve said repeatedly that I can empathise because I went through similar things as a child/teenager.
And have spent a good part of my adult life trying to undo some of the damage that was caused.
I’ve tried to articulate some of the things your daughter may be going through.

My wife and I were meant to be having a quiet night, a take-out and a film but we ended up with her sat with us

Good. Absoleutely no problem with that, on the contrary I hope all three enjoyed the evening.

It’s a high pressure time in life with pressure to perform (or not a Poly alludes in his post at the end of the last page). The pressure can come from within or outside, it can be positive and motivate or negative and create a host of reactions. Social interactions aren’t easy at any age and at that age you’re dealing with people from a wide variety of backgrounds thrown together in that jungle that is a school – most of whom you’ll never feel much affinity with ever again in the wider world. I’ve seen it from the perspective of a teacher, parent and pupil. As a parent there’s not much you can do beyond providing a safe stable haven away from the madness. You’re doing that, you may be able to extend it with home for lunch. That’s my only concrete suggestion.

Copa – did you ask for help as a teenager?

To me this does not seem like the outer edges of “normal” but its become an issue causing distress and disability.  Obviously I have no experience of kids but a year or so ago was suffering with debilitating anxiety.  A disproportionate response to stressors.  Its normal to have some social anxiety and this is a range – but when it becomes disabling as a totally disproportionate response then its an issue.  The worst attack I had left me panicked, sweating and unable to leave the house – all because I intended to go to a restaurant on my own.  Thats a disproportionate response to a stressor

You need to be guided by her as to what she wants – you cannot “fix” her – only she can do that with guidance.  If its really becoming disabling then professional help is needed.  It didn’t take much for me to get my social anxiety back to where it has been all my life ie present but not disabling

I hope she finds away through this Johndoh. 

I do find it peak STW that on the other fostering thread you were widely praised for trying to help a young person through a tricky situation but on this thread you’re being criticised for trying to help another young person through a troubled time. 

Is she an identical twin? That can be the cause of introversion and self-consciousness.

Copa – did you ask for help as a teenager?

No, I responded by becoming more withdrawn.
Because everything you do feels magnified, prone to causing tension/arguments.
So tried to avoid family situations where that could occur.

No, I responded by becoming more withdrawn.

Do you see that your experience is very different then? Our daughter wants our help and doesn’t understand why she feels how she does. As concerned parents we obviously want to help her.

Jamie – that’s a good point, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

She is a fraternal twin – no idea if that makes it different?

And TJ – I think you have it pretty much spot on – her reactions are disproportionate to the situations – she just isn’t seeing a path through it yet despite our help and the help of a councillor.

Its when it becomes disabling that action is needed.  When it stops you doing stuff you wanted to do and effecting your life.  there is a differnce between a “normal” ( highly variable) level of social anxiety and a disabling level

If she has a counsellor then hopefully they can get to the root of it.  there are also various techniques you can use to help like deep breathing, mindfulness activities etc.  I find juggling helpful as you need a clear mind to do it – as soon as extraneous thoughts creep in you drop the balls

I would say overall it lasted 9 months for me tho its crept back in a bit the last few weeks

I find juggling helpful as you need a clear mind to do it

She plays the flute (she was in an orchestra but I think you can guess the rest) and recently started crochet, both of which she finds do the same 👍

forgot to say – exercise can help as well – preferably something that gets the heart rate nice and high.  It helps “burn off” the stress hormones that may be behind this

I can’t help with a teenager but I do have a 5 and a half year old that has some anxieties over unfamiliar social situations. It can be a cause of frustration and argument when everyone is ready and at the 11th hour it’s decided that parties are disgusting and rolling on the hall floor is more enjoyable. 

Do you see that your experience is very different then?

I don’t.
You generally don’t seem open to any advice that’s contrary to what you already believe.
So this all seems pretty pointless. Best of luck to your daughter.

copa – your experiences are not the same as everyones.  Very obviously

forgot to say – exercise can help as well – preferably something that gets the heart rate nice and high.

got that one covered – she loves netball, is in the school ‘A’ team, plays for a club and recently won the whole school netball award 🥳

You generally don’t seem open to any advice that’s contrary to what you already believe.

I really do, but your advice to not interfere (when she is actively asking for our help) doesn’t seem like it would be helpful in our circumstances.

There is a bit of a point to some of what copa says – focussing to intently on it can make things worse.  Its a balance

It is a balance, I agree – leaving her to cope alone without any support doesn’t feel like balance, more of a tip.

Fortunately she’s had a very good day today, enjoying school, came home chatty and laughing, had a nice evening. Hopefully we’ll have more days like today 🥳

It’s absolutely normal for an introverted teenager to want to avoid stuff like party games.

Teenager? I’ve avoided shit like that since i was a preteen. I still do 40 years later.
Haven’t joined in with a company team building activity in years either.

Possibly massively tempting fate here, but after the weekend’s big outburst of emotions, she seems much happier. Three days and counting of going to school without having worries, not needing emotional support from mum, no messages from her during the day (she has an Apple Watch so can text via it during school hours), coming home chatty and happy, laughing and getting involved in discussions over dinner, coming to me for ‘goodnight hugs’, happy and chatty after seeing her therapist yesterday. Of course, I know this is all cyclical and it is all linked to her raging hormones so she will have down periods again, but it’s nice to see her somewhat back to her normal self for a bit. 🙂

Good stuff.

sometimes its two steps forward and one back, sometimes one step forward and two back.  Be prepared fort it to rear its ugly head again

My guess is that knowing you take it all seriously and have been supportive is a big help.  Gives her confidence she has stable foundations and that her anxiety has been taken seriously and that helps it all to melt away

Dunno – just my guess

Well things really haven’t got any better at all – she’s stopped seeing the therapist (her decision, she hated going, said it wasn’t working and the therapist admitted she wasn’t getting anywhere anyway), she has now missed school twice this week and she simply cannot bear going in. She is a shell, a husk of a girl.

This is all so **** horrible.

Sorry to hear that.

You mentioned earlier that you didn’t think she was ASD.

Our daughter exhibited the exact same symptoms except they manifested as she turned 17. I won’t go into the whole thing but really she has remarkable similarities. Almost every post of yours could have been written by me word for word.

The key points are that her personality and behaviour changed and that she understood they had changed and that she was not happy with the change and that she didn’t know why or how to change back to the girl she was before.

Missing school, panic attacks, not able to do things she had coped with in the past like small low key parties etc.

Sleeping.

Sleeping.

We were absolutely sure she probably wasn’t ASD, we too have another daughter with ADHD…… and guess what.

Yep – she is now a fully diagnosed card carrying member. Masking like a trooper all her life, hyper fixated on getting through the day so well even she didn’t realise. Just thought it was normal. Then the crash as nobody can do this without support, and a downward spiral.

I don’t have the solution but a few bullet points may help:

Therapy is great but not all therapists work well with all people. Just because it didn’t work out the first time doesn’t mean it won’t the second time and she almost certainly need therapy to get through this. Try another one, hopefully word of mouth recommendation of a therapist with experience in neurodiversity.

If you can afford it get her a diagnosis – if its positive then it will help in so many ways. School support yes but crucially an understanding of herself for her to use as a foundation to build her new life upon.

In the end despite being anti at first, we have come to see medication as a useful tool in the box. There is no way my daughter would be functioning in the way she is right now without the combination of therapy and medication.

We have gone on a 2 year journey right down and partly back up again to the point where she may even make it to Uni though a year later than her peers – though this is not a given. Still we take things one day at a time.

The take away here is that she will need external help and I can’t help thinking she is ASD. If you want to PM me please do.