Chaps: did you always know you'd want kids?

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  • Chaps: did you always know you'd want kids?
  • ianv
    Member

    I was never too bothered but really happy I did. Babies do suck though, it gets good about 4 or 5.

    Does add complexity to planning family holidays though…

    Not here 😀


    photo (1) by ianvincent, on Flickr

    bokonon
    Member

    Never wanted kids, if I went back and did it all again I’d probably avoid having them that little bit better, but for better or worse I’ve got three, I love them all very very much and think they are all ace.

    Except the boy when he pisses himself, that’s really really annoying.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    I think babies are ace!

    ocrider
    Member

    or like they should have had a kid of the opposite sex?

    I solved that one by fathering one of each. There is a 6 year gap, give or take 2 hours between them, which is quite a feat, especially when they are half-brother and sister 😳

    Love/loathe them to pieces and wouldn’t change anything in the world apart from trying to get #1 to move in with us permanently.

    Oh, nearly forgot…
    Binners +1

    crikey
    Member

    The OP is asking the wrong question to the right group of people.

    Asking parents if they wanted their children is only ever going to produce an overwhelmingly positive answer, so it’s a rubbish question.

    It does give STW the chance to do that ‘Look, look at my children, aren’t they the greatest thing in the world, they’re my children, did you know I had children?’ thing that is so, so endearing…. 🙄

    What you really want to know is

    1.) How much will what I do now change if I have children?
    2.) How much financial impact will it have on my life?
    3.) What if the relationship goes wrong?
    4.) How many dysfunctional children/people are a product of their parents relationship?

    The number of relationships that end, the number of divorces, splits and so on that affect children is huge, yet still happens, for all the ‘My children are my world’ comments above.

    So few parents are capable of objectivity, particularly in any kind of public forum, that you’ll never get a sensible answer to your question.

    Premier Icon Kryton57
    Subscriber

    1.) How much will what I do now change if I have children?
    2.) How much financial impact will it have on my life?
    3.) What if the relationship goes wrong?
    4.) How many dysfunctional children/people are a product of their parents relationship?

    1.) Lots
    2.) Lots
    3.) Thai Brides are an option
    4.) Lots

    mark90
    Member

    In true STW fashion I haven’t read all this thread, just the first couple of posts, so not even sure what the current argument is about 😉 But basically Binners post summed it up for me.

    It does give STW the chance to do that ‘Look, look at my children, aren’t they the greatest thing in the world, they’re my children, did you know I had children?’ thing that is so, so endearing….

    Whereas, it actually hasn’t been like that at all.

    wl
    Member

    Jfletch and crickey make very important points about objectivity, self-deception etc. Reading this with interest coz I’m getting on a bit and 50-50 myself.

    Premier Icon Sandwich
    Subscriber

    What you really want to know is

    1.) How much will what I do now change if I have children?
    2.) How much financial impact will it have on my life?
    3.) What if the relationship goes wrong?
    4.) How many dysfunctional children/people are a product of their parents relationship?

    Some of the changes became subsumed in the breakdown I had when my mother died in 2000.

    There was a largish shift in our (man/woman) relationship. She would do all she could for the kids, I held back some for me-time. (I was shift working for the first 15 years of my eldests life).
    The biggest financial impact was from me and my actions.(A second breakdown in 2008 didn’t help things)!
    The relationship nearly broke down, I eventually got my head from my arse and sorted things out.
    I may have contributed to some of my daughters failings by my actions.We are nearly right again after 7 years of pain and grief. Her problems are complex and I may be a little me,me,me over this.

    They are resilient creatures children and I have good relationships with both of them. We talk on the phone every week to both of them. I sometimes have to ask Mrs S to tone the motherly disapproval back when she is dealing with our daughter.

    It’s complicated.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    So few parents are capable of objectivity, particularly in any kind of public forum, that you’ll never get a sensible answer to your question.

    As are the childless… We are all limited by our experience and situation.

    Premier Icon smogmonster
    Subscriber

    I was always determined not to have kids, i couldnt think of anything worse frankly. Then, purely by accident my partner fell pregnant, and all of a sudden the stance changed. Hey presto 14 years later my lad is almost a too-good-to-be-true teenager. He is biking mad, and will some be kicking my arse, which is great, even if it costs me a fortune basically having to replicate all the stuff i already own, but on a yearly basis as hes growing like a weed, and eats the house empty about 6 times a day. I swear to God how Tescos profits have dropped is beyond me. His 6 year old sister is heading the same way as well, loves her bikes, great personality, though i suspect she’ll be a little shit of a teenager…

    Make no mistake, it can be bloody tough, tiring, exasperating and expensive, but I truly love being a parent and would happily die for my kids. (Especially) when they are really young the love you get back in return is like nothing else. Go for it, no matter how much you are aghast at the idea, and i really couldnt have thought of anything more horrifying 15 years ago, it is just the best.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    Hang in there Willard – most parents have had similar bumps along the way. It’s tough but things will improve with time.

    Ransos. You have a beautiful child – seriously lovely. I am sure they can be devilish though, the angelic looking ones usually can!

    PJM1974
    Member

    Never wanted kids, I knew that from day one.

    Mrs PJM1974 already has twin boys, it’s sometimes difficult as their father is still part of their lives and has a very odd attitude to raising them, but for the most part it works fine. I do love them both, I’ve gone out of my way to provide them with every opportunity and encouragement in life but I’m aware (and actually quite glad) that they’re not my kids per se.

    Premier Icon stilltortoise
    Subscriber

    I have two wonderful boys. However there have been some crap times with my eldest spending two of his first four summers in hospital. I remember the horrible horrible feeling of not knowing if he’d reach his first birthday. I’m conscious some parents have it much much worse. The intense love you feel for your kids can tear you apart when things aren’t going well

    I think my point is that I agree with Crikey in that the fantastically positive responses on this thread are probably a result of the way you asked the question. There are some terribly sad stories out there too.

    When it’s good there is nothing better and it’s pretty top notch at the moment, but I can’t pretend to be able to advise you one way or another. I can answer your question though; yes, I always knew I wanted kids 🙂

    Premier Icon mikewsmith
    Subscriber

    None here, got to the point where it wont happen and no real regrets, happy to keep living life. As someone said a page ago your asking the right question to the wrong people.

    However if your good lady is on the countdown you may either have to put up or shut up.

    Premier Icon garage-dweller
    Subscriber

    I have been from definite no to ‘maybe’ to don’t see myself meeting someone in time to not be too old to yes that seems a good idea now.

    Now the proud Dad of a four year old and 18 month old. Between the two of them they can evoke every human emotion there is in just a blink of an eye and very often conflicting ones at the same moment.

    Kids rock but only if you can cope with the lifestyle changes.

    6079smithw
    Member

    It’s 2013, how can any man even think about having kids?
    Think of the carbon footprint. Polar bears will drown!

    Yes – I always did want them. And they’ve been brilliant so far, even through the breakup of my relationship with their mother, and the start of a relationship with someone else.

    Best thing ever

    But – I totally get people who don’t want them

    daveh
    Member

    I’m pretty sure that without little butt around there wouldn’t have been a One Direction family dance off in the kitchen last night nor repeated blowing up and letting off of balloons this morning before work. Depends whether that type of thing floats your boat really.

    hora
    Member

    Before we had a son I used to think people who split when their child was <3yrs were the lowest of the low. Now I completely 100% understand why some people split.

    Go into it with eyes fully wide open.

    Premier Icon uphillcursing
    Subscriber

    Me, myself and me. That was pretty much my attitude till GF of the time showed me the little blue stripe. Initially i thought life was going to end and i suppose it did. As others have said now have less time, money, hair and material things.
    One of them drives me nuts at times but both bring that feeling of unconditional love on levels that even the dog can’t evev approach.
    As someone has already said. Evolution sees you right. I even find myself looking in prams whilst out and about and smiling at the contents. I can watch a movie in less than absolute silence. Sticky fingers on my stuff do not bring on a bloodlust. Someone knocking my new bike over at a cafe stop does not need beheading.

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Subscriber

    Crikey, your points are certainly quite valid – but the OP painted a picture of domestic harmony regarding his other half.

    If he’d said “I’m not 100% on my missus but we think havign kids might fix our relationship” I’m sure he’d have got a different response from the doting dads on here.

    maxnormal
    Member

    crikey – Member
    The OP is asking the wrong question to the right group of people.

    Asking parents if they wanted their children is only ever going to produce an overwhelmingly positive answer, so it’s a rubbish question.

    That’s not really what I asked – I asked if you always knew you wanted children – it’s not the same as asking if they wanted their children. Generally (wide generalisation!) at the point of conception, most people have decided they want kids (granted, accidents happen quite regularly 😉

    My point was whether blokes grew up always knowing they wanted kids at some point in the future. And the short answer seems to be no, much indifference, but once you have them they are amazing/best things in the world etc.

    crikey – Member
    What you really want to know is

    1.) How much will what I do now change if I have children?
    2.) How much financial impact will it have on my life?
    3.) What if the relationship goes wrong?
    4.) How many dysfunctional children/people are a product of their parents relationship?

    No. I can figure that bit out on my own! 🙂 My question wasn’t “should I have kids and how will my life change?”

    deadlydarcy – Member
    It does give STW the chance to do that ‘Look, look at my children, aren’t they the greatest thing in the world, they’re my children, did you know I had children?’ thing that is so, so endearing….
    Whereas, it actually hasn’t been like that at all.

    Um, which thread have you been reading?

    It is exactly like that, (which is no bad thing)

    Premier Icon ransos
    Subscriber

    Asking parents if they wanted their children is only ever going to produce an overwhelmingly positive answer, so it’s a rubbish question.

    Well no, because as I said, I am poor, tired and have no free time. The point is, I don’t care.

    Premier Icon weeksy
    Subscriber

    Willard, the wifes best mate and her husband have been trying IVF for 7 years now… they’ve had failure after failure… It’s cost them a fortune.

    However, last week, they had a 14 week scan on a pair of fit and healthy twins !!!!!

    bencooper
    Member

    We both agreed that we’d never have kids – horrible messy things that get in the way of a quest life and nice holidays.

    That slowly morphed into “well, maybe in the future”.

    Then, for reasons I can’t remember, we decided to try – not really expecting anything would happen I think, just in a spirit of enquiry. Got pregnant almost immediately.

    Still wasn’t sure it was a good idea right up until the thing popped out, then was suddenly sure it was the best thing we’d ever done.

    @maxnormal – yes. It just seemed predestined, never considered that not having a family was an option, just the timing.

    16 years in and still brilliant fun/experience, to be honest we should have them earlier (I was 32) and we should have had more. 😀

    Premier Icon stilltortoise
    Subscriber

    I think the conclusion I’m coming to here is that the responses to the OP’s original question (“…did you always know you wanted kids?”) has little correlation to people’s opinions on bringing up their children. I seem to be one of the few on here who knew – from an early age – I wanted kids. Knowing how bloody hard it has been at times it never fails to surprise me how people deliberately go into it with indifference….if that is indeed possible 😀

    {edit} – blinkers I guess 😆

    dirtyrider
    Member

    yes, wanted them,

    had the first just a few days before i was 30,

    makes me feel like i wasted my 20s, time rich, money rich, went to the pub

    Premier Icon stilltortoise
    Subscriber

    makes me feel like i wasted my 20s, time rich, money rich, went to the pub

    lol this is a great observation. OP, if you do decide to have kids, please make sure you can look back and say “I made the most of my time” because when you’re running around changing nappies, wiping up sick, having sleepless nights and being grumpy with everyone you will DREAM of just a spare hour or so to ride your bike 😉

    It is exactly like that, (which is no bad thing)

    No, it hasn’t. It’s been an assortment of replies saying no, yes, but mostly indifferent and that once they arrive you love them unconditionally. It’s been pretty far from everybody bleating on about how extraordinary their kids are. Is it any surprise that most blokes love their children once they arrive? So, no, it hasn’t been “exactly like that”, no matter how much you might want it to be.

    TiRed
    Member

    They take all your time, space and money. Your life is never the same again. But it is better.

    I always wanted kids, and wanted to be a father by 30. Came in one month early. I would have been happy to adopt in the absence of a relationship too.

    That said, I did have to drag a broken-nosed 16yo out of a coma to go to school this morning, just to challenge my patience. It’s not all diggers and dance classes 😉

    Freester
    Member

    I really wasn’t interested, and neither was my wife. But as time and her clock started ticking it became obvious her feelings had changed and she wanted to start a family.

    I still wasn’t that bothered but realised how much it meant to my missus. So I agreed. Did a deal where she’d do all the horrible stuff and I’d get to do the good bits.

    But when little F came along it just felt so right and natural. I’ve never been into holding other people’s babys / toddlers but my own felt right and I just rolled my sleeves up and got stuck in with all of the parenting stuff.

    Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all great, sleepless nights, social life, living on one salary. But to me it’s worth it and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why didn’t I do it sooner?

    I’m a woman, and don’t want kids. Various reasons, some that probably some might consider selfish (i.e. don’t want to lose my freedom, financial independence, put my career on hold, and don’t really like babies and small children, but meh – horses for courses) and some that are related to health issues that I don’t want to pass on, and also that might make pregnancy complicated/risky.

    I’m happy to see that a lot of the guys who really weren’t sure about kids before they appeared, have warmed to fatherhood. I know a fair few guys who either remained ambivalent or actively try and avoid doing much or spending much time with their children (stay at work late, gym, hobbies, out with mates, banging younger, childless work colleagues, volunteer for long business trips) and leave the women with the grunt work. I think a few of the guys may have had their minds made up for them, mind you (as in wife/gf stopped contraception without their knowledge). Good on the guys here for being active involved dads (even if they weren’t sure to start with!!) and being a big part of your kids’ lives.

    Great thread.

    Premier Icon steveoath
    Subscriber

    To OP. Always knew i wanted kid(s). Ended several relationships over it. Now sitting in maternity ward with a morphine enhanced MrsOath waiting on our daughter to make an appearance!!

    On the other hand one of my close friends and his mrs made a decision early on not to have kids for freedom, financial and othe peesonal reasons. But both are very actively involved in nieces/nephews lives.

    djglover
    Member

    I wanted them at 25, fortunatley I waited until 32 and had 7 great years spending money on going out, abroad and on bikes.

    Now they are here (twins, 5) I adore them and enjoy being a dad

    However, the thought of going through it all again with a newborn fills me with dread and dispair, I am looking forward to the day they move out.

    soobalias
    Member

    absolutely never wanted kids.
    knew this in my early teens, still know it now, twenty some years on

    I’ve always been ambivalent, and my late Mrs was definitely against – no complaints we had a great life together without children. But recent unexpected events have forced me to confront dormant paternal feelings! Age is somewhat against giving those feelings further consideration.

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Subscriber

    Now they are here (twins, 5) I adore them and enjoy being a dad

    I might have been ambivalent about wanting kids, but I’m god damn certain I never want to have twins!

    Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    I wasn’t sure at all but I knew it was Mrs Danny’s one and only true dream in life and I knew what I was signing up for well before we got married etc.

    Now babybgoode is with us I wouldn’t change it for the world. He is just awesome:

    hora
    Member

    I walked into the toilet tonight and 3yr old hora was sat on the toilet (for ages) flicking through a kiddies book on his lap.

    Its the little things that makea me forgive him for me having to sell my Subaru Legacy sportswagon.

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