Chaps: did you always know you'd want kids?
So the question is, mainly to you chaps out there, did you always know you’d have kids? Were you always totally certain that was what you want?
Unless you’re William Hague it’s frankly impossible (and quite dull) to be certain about what you want from your future – I spent far too long this morning considering what pants I wanted to accompany me through the day, anything beyond that just seems like magic.Posted 4 years ago
Go for the kids, if you’re in a strong relationship it will be the making of you (just watch out for PND creeping up on you both in the first few months).maxnormalMember
Firstly, new login as I’m a regular and known to a few around these part, but anonymity would be appreciated for this post if the mods don’t mind 🙂
I’ve been going out with a rather wonderful young lady of late who I can hopefully see a long future with and the issue of kids has raised its head – basically she’s keen and I haven’t a clue. We’re both mid to late 30s and she’s been honest and said that she hasn’t got time to waste if I’m totally against the idea, nor does she want to spend a several years with me if I then turn around and say I don’t want kids. It’s probably not quite as clear cut as that and it certainly isn’t any sort of ultimatum but it’s really made me think about what I want.
Basically, I’ve never been in a place/relationship where I’d have been happy to have kids so the issue has never really raised its head. I always grew up assuming I’d get married and have kids, but things never quite panned out like that – hold off on the violins, I’m actually really content with how my life’s worked out 😉 And as time has gone along, I’ve just assumed it’s not going to happen. I certainly can’t imagine kids right now, but I just don’t know if I’ll want them in a few years…
So the question is, mainly to you chaps out there, did you always know you’d have kids? Were you always totally certain that was what you want?Posted 4 years agoKryton57Subscriber
binners – Member
Did you always know you’d have kids? In answer to your question: No. In fact, if I’m honest, I still wasn’t entirely 100% convinced until they arrived. Once you’ve got the little buggers handed to you though, that’s an entirely different ball game! That changes absolutely everything.
You’ll not regret it. They’re ace* Just get on with it, for Gods sake man!
What binners said. Wasn’t sure/was scared at the time, now they are here I wouldn’t turn back the clock ever.Posted 4 years agoSidneyMember
Always knew I did and now have a two year old daughter who amazes me every day with her character, fun and development. Had some real highs and lows (especially when she has been ill) and even though I really wanted kids I admit it took me a fair while to properly get into father mode (my character has become less selfish, not that I was massively selfish before).
I really can’t say whether you should or not but for me it has been one of life’s massive positives!Posted 4 years agoSandwichSubscriber
before retirement which is now standard 67
We won’t be retiring, the babyboomers stole all the money!
Very young babies, meh. Too tired and stressed to have a cogent opinion. Once they start moving and making a noise other than crying it’s all good. You learn what you are capable of on the job and there is no manual.
Teenagers can be a bit meh but also good fun and company. House was always full of them at weekends and once they start drinking you get the odd drink bought for you as well. Which is nice.
They are both gone now, well the lad comes back for holidays from uni and the house is empty which was a source of sadness for me.
Mrs S and I are now counting the days until we get some disposable income back once the uni course is finished!
We originally though that kids weren’t going to happen as Mrs S had some problems. We got sloppy with contraception and one morning after a nightshift I was shown a window with a line in it. WOOT
It’s been a fab experience, even the problems.Posted 4 years agofatladridesbikesMember
Spent the last 13 years in a relationship not wanting kids. That relationship ended and I hooked up with a new girlfriend who’s late 30’s and has 2 boys of 8 and 10. Suddenly I realise what I had missed out on and she’s not wanting more (which i can understand).
Thankfully it’s not the be all and end all for me so am happy with it as it is and wouldn’t be fair on her 2 boys to introduce a new baby in to the mix.
Guess what I’m saying is that if you are with the right person then it’s the natural thing to do. Family int it 😆Posted 4 years ago
I hate myself for saying this, in fact I feel so unclean that I may have to spend all night in the shower, desperately trying to wash away the dirty, horrible feeling I have at the moment. I’m not sure I can live with the shame, the embarrassment. People will laugh at me in the streets, point at me, ridicule me.
However, I stand by what I am about to say.
I agree with Binners.Posted 4 years agocr500domSubscriber
Never wanted kids, but then I found myself with a wonderful woman I had known since school, and we decided to give it a go.
Mrs Dom wasn’t sure either , but the only way I can describe it is:
It just felt right at the time.
But Like Binners said in post 2, you are never really sure until they arrive then instinct and 4000 years of evolution just happen to you 😀
I was not sure about No2 and am still coming to terms with it if I
m honest (Hes 17 months now) but I think that’s still mourning the loss of my old life as much as anything.
On the whole I wouldn’t change anything, although catch me on the wrong day after the 3rd or 4th night of broken sleep and my default feeling is “This is not what I ****ing signed up for” 🙁
Do It, certainly for number 1, after that its entirely up to you if you want to take it further 😀
3.5 and 17months
Posted 4 years agodazhSubscriber
Page 2 and the anti-breeder brigade are still silent?!
+1 on the thing about men not being programmed to want kids. I really wasn’t convinced, but decided it wasn’t fair on Mrs Daz to deny her something that was obviously incredibly important to her because it might affect my social life. In the end the kids arrived and I instantly got it. Bit bizarre really, like a switch going off in your head.Posted 4 years agofreeagentMember
I think I always wanted to have kids at some point – but spent too many years ‘coasting along’ and thinking it would be ‘at some point in the future’
We had our first daughter when my wife was 32 and I was 34.
The second one came along 3 years later, and has just had her third birthday.
I don’t think blokes are every really ready until the baby arrives – I never thought I’d see the day that I knew my way around Mothercare better than Halfords!
Kids make pretty much everything just a little bit more fun, they keep you young, and provide a distraction when times are tough.
I’d say do it, before you are both too old…Posted 4 years agobinnersSubscriber
I’m quite concerned that I’ve said something that everyone seems to agree with. Even Flashy! Have i entered some kind of alternative dimension? 😯
On the ‘questionable’ side, it makes you into a right soppy sod. Seriously. Embarrassingly so!*I love this pair of PITA reprobates more than anything in the whole world! And constantly wonder how anyone as daft and useless as me has had any part in them being around, and apparently well-adjusted
* you may have picked up on this already 😉Posted 4 years agoMoreCashThanDashSubscriber
chapaking has a point – I love my kids, most other peoples kids are really annoying!
I always assumed I’d have kids, and ended one relationship with a wonderful woman as we knew she couldn’t have any. That said, there is never a “right” time to have them as you will always be too busy/poor to start a family. I was horrified to discover the MCJnr was due when I was just starting year 2 of my part-time degree.
He – and his sister – are the best things that have ever happened to me. They have turned my/our world upside down and made me/us realise how much time and money I/we wasted before they came along.
What I would say, having seen many friends start families in their thirties, is that you shouldn’t have kids if you expect to outsource raising them 10 hours a day, 6 days a week to nurseries, after school clubs, grandparents or whoever. I’ve seen some otherwise intelligent, caring and sensitive friends who genuinely have no idea what is happening with their children or how to relate to them because they never get to see them properly on a regular basis, which is heart breaking for the kids and the parentsPosted 4 years agopeajayMember
Was never on the card for me, but Mrs PJ knew she wanted some so it just happened, now have 3 daughters and it has been a blast, life changes forever but in a good way, hard work and the sleep deprivation in the early days/months/years can be hard but it passes and once they are older it’s great going to theme parks and aqua parks etc, wife can chill out while I can be a kid again, love it.Posted 4 years agoBreganteSubscriber
OP I don’t believe we’ve ever met but you seem a decent enough sort of chap.
How about I lend you my two (one of each type) for a couple of weeks just so you know what
you’re letting yourself in fora delight it is having children.
I can deliver them and collect f.o.c.
Shall we say 4 ish at yours on Friday?
Email in profile.
Edit: do not give the male child chocolate after 4pm.
You have been warned
TaPosted 4 years agospacemonkeyMember
What I would say, having seen many friends start families in their thirties, is that you shouldn’t have kids if you expect to outsource raising them 10 hours a day, 6 days a week to nurseries, after school clubs, grandparents or whoever. I’ve seen some otherwise intelligent, caring and sensitive friends who genuinely have no idea what is happening with their children or how to relate to them because they never get to see them properly on a regular basis, which is heart breaking for the kids and the parents
Whilst I understand your sentiment, I believe that not every child who ends up drafted off to nursery/CM/etc 5-6 days a week is going to have a failed relationship with their parents. IMO some parents, regardless of how much time and energy they commit to their children, just don’t get the parenting thing.
Our boy goes to a fantastic CM and nursery M-F and I believe his all rounds skills/capabilities/etc are a result of the nurturing and fun environment he experiences both with them AND with us.Posted 4 years agowillardMember
I’ve always been reasonably sure I wanted kids, but my ex-wife was really set against them (as I found out just before the divorce). Luckily, my wife now is of the same mind as me and we’ve been trying for them, sadly without success for a while now.
We nearly got there this year, but the poor thing didn’t make it past 20 weeks. The due date was October the 16th too, so this month will not be a happy one.Posted 4 years agotoppers3933Member
never really thought id have any kind of meaningful relationship never mind have kids. never really thought about it. then when i eventually got together with mrs toppers it seemed right almost immediately. still took us a couple of years to get around to it but no.1 is now 3 1/2 and no.2 is 6 months and i wouldnt be without them. as binners says applies really. i cant imagine life without him or his little sister. if i could stop time for him now that would suit me. there is no cuddle like a cuddle from your own child who just snuggles in and makes you feel so loved. its ace.
it should be pointed out too that some people are not cut out to be parents. but only you can decide if you are capable of making the necessary adjustment. because it is a massive change. it can take some time to get your own time. sometimes 18-20 years. 🙂
if im honest, it never really dawned on me that it was happening until he was born. i hadnt worried about what it would be like at all in the lead up. i had been worried that he and my wife would be ok and all that but id not really thought about it beyond that. the midwife was saying how relaxed i was etc. just after he was born the midwives were doing the weighing and all of that stuff and i just wanted to tell them all to bugger off and let me hold him, which seemed to take ages. the midwives were talking to each other about getting him dressed and i just stepped in and started getting him dressed. i thought they were talking to me. they were both really shocked and later said to me that it was really unusual for the dad to do it. which seemed odd.Posted 4 years agoir_banditoSubscriber
We nearly got there this year, but the poor thing didn’t make it past 20 weeks.
Sorry for that Willard. As I said, been there done that, its scarily common (33% of all pregnancies fail). Keep going if you can.
Friends of ours in a similar situation have just had their adoption application approved, so are waiting to find out what’s going to happen next. Dead excited for them 🙂Posted 4 years agomrmonkfingerMember
No, had no idea about them one way or the other until about 30, around then I thought I might like to have a couple. Mrsmf definitely did, from the word go. Our first is now nearly two, and is completely ace. Except for the few moments each day when he’s definitely not ace in the slightest.
Life is completely different, but I wouldn’t change it.Posted 4 years ago
Willard – you’d be amazed how many people have been through the same. But you’ll get there, so stay positive
Of FFS! This is getting really, really annoying now. In fact, I may need to go and see my therapist straight away.
I agree with Binners. AGAIN!
Willard, as above, stay positive!Posted 4 years ago
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