Firstly, new login as I’m a regular and known to a few around these part, but anonymity would be appreciated for this post if the mods don’t mind 🙂

I’ve been going out with a rather wonderful young lady of late who I can hopefully see a long future with and the issue of kids has raised its head – basically she’s keen and I haven’t a clue. We’re both mid to late 30s and she’s been honest and said that she hasn’t got time to waste if I’m totally against the idea, nor does she want to spend a several years with me if I then turn around and say I don’t want kids. It’s probably not quite as clear cut as that and it certainly isn’t any sort of ultimatum but it’s really made me think about what I want.

Basically, I’ve never been in a place/relationship where I’d have been happy to have kids so the issue has never really raised its head. I always grew up assuming I’d get married and have kids, but things never quite panned out like that – hold off on the violins, I’m actually really content with how my life’s worked out 😉 And as time has gone along, I’ve just assumed it’s not going to happen. I certainly can’t imagine kids right now, but I just don’t know if I’ll want them in a few years…

So the question is, mainly to you chaps out there, did you always know you’d have kids? Were you always totally certain that was what you want?

Did you always know you’d have kids? In answer to your question: No. In fact, if I’m honest, I still wasn’t entirely 100% convinced until they arrived. Once you’ve got the little buggers handed to you though, that’s an entirely different ball game! That changes absolutely everything.

You’ll not regret it. They’re ace* Just get on with it, for Gods sake man! 😀

* Disclaimer: There are at least 3 times a week day when they are far from ‘ace’, and I would happily strangle one of them with my bare hands. But lets not dwell on this.

What binners said, really.

Didn’t know I’d want them, wouldn’t be without them.

binners +1

But in my case there’s probably about 15 times a week where I’d happily string ’em up! 🙂

FWIW – Mrs W2k was similarly frank with me, and I was exactly like you. You can guess which path I took…..

didn’t make decision to go for it till i was 31 now have a nearly 3 year old and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine not having him about!!

Kids rock!

First wife didn’t want them and I wasn’t too bothered either way.

Second wife wanted them and that was cool too. We tried for ages and then decided it wasn’t going to happen. We then just accepted that and got on with our lives. She then got pregnant (I was 37 at the time) and I was devastated as it “threw everything up in the air”. 17 years later and I couldn’t imagine life without my daughter!

Really didn’t want them, now they are honestly the best thing in the world.

I don’t think I really ever gave it proper consideration in any of my previous relationships. Am now the proud father of an awesome 3yr old boy who is the most important focus in my life, not just because he’s my son but because he’s such a constant source of fun and all round amazingness. Perhaps it helps that I enjoy being a big kid at times?

Other than that, I’m not sure if any of us really understand parenthood until we have kids. It’s a huge responsibility and one that IMO is made easier if you have a network of support around you, eg family etc. Sadly we have none of the latter so that’s probably why we sometimes feel the stress more than others. Not having children, to me, is like missing out on the biggest source of joy one can imagine.

EDIT: Took monkey jnr for a walk around Leith Hill on Sunday … Half way round he says to me “Dr Brown Bear says ‘go this way'” … So I followed him through a barely visible gap between some bushes and low and behold, the little bu88er had only gone and found a secret bit of swoopy trail that I must have ridden past one hundred times :). Will be taking the bike back there for sure! I rewarded him with some chocolate dragon cake from Dragon Castle (the tower)!

I think that because you’ve never been against the idea and always thought you’d be married and have kids you should go for it.

I’m 34 and have a 5mth old. It’s easy to coast along not imagining kids ‘at the moment’. I certainly did but I’ve not regretted it.

Nope. Was always pretty sure I didn’t want kids. Then met mrs blobby in my early 30’s and softened a bit on the idea of kids (probably as friends were having kids.) After a few years together thought we’d go for it. Then spent the next 6 years trying to have kids! Now have an 18 month old and another due in Feb.

For me having kids has definitely been the end of one life, but it’s also been the beginning of another which I am really enjoying despite it being very hard work (the first 6 months are hideous!) In a way I’m glad it took so long as I’m not sure I’d have been ready a few years ago.

It is a massive change to your life, but don’t let that put you off as having kids is pretty amazing IMO.

Edit: I could have saved myself some typing and just said +1 for binners!

kids are fantastic, you will not regret having one or more they will provide more joy, love and laughter than any bike ride, & yes I did always know I wanted them. If she’s asking you about them & saying things like that I think you could pretty much expect her to be wanting to be impregnated as soon as you give the say so. Consider that kids will stay with you minimum 20 years, if one of you is nearing 40 they’ll be nearing 60 by that time and extended if you have more than one. Ideally you’d want them gone before retirement which is now standard 67 so get on with it, no time to lose, you won’t regret it.

It a very hard question but very few blokes i know regret having kids… regret the women they had them with but not the kids. At your age i’d hope you would have some life experience and realise the kind of commitment that is required and the sacrifices you will make. Any guy that says that it will not change them or thier lives is either a liar of an asshat. From my experience i didn’t mind either way, we said kids= great, not having kids= great. Dont get hung up on your feelings now because i can garantee* that if you do have them you’ll love it!.
* i cant of course do that but assuming you are an average, compassionate good kind of guy you’ll be OK.

binners totally summed it up for me.

I was sure I didn’t want kids until they arrived.

Same as above really.

I wasn’t sure I wanted kids, but my boy is teh awesumz.

As proof I give you:

Don’t look at other peoples kids and try and imagine what it could be like. Your own kids are something unique and you really cannot imagine how it will feel until you have your own. I hate kids still, I really dislike other peoples, but mine are amazing (to me) and I couldn’t have imagined just before they were born that I’d end up loving them as much as I do. The amount of patience I have developed for them I still can’t quite understand and seeing them do even the most mundane of things makes me insanely happy.

What Binners said.

Never had a desire to have them… was completely irrelvent.

Now i’ve got one… i’d have a 2nd tomorrow…

My boy is also awsome 🙂

I was glad I met a lass in my early 30s who I was happy to share my life with and have a family with..
Up until that point I wasnt fussed but as above I wouldnt be without yhem
.

I have three. Honestly can’t say I wanted them, as in sit around without a kid wishing I had one. More that it seems just the natural way to be, you know, when I grew up, I had parents, now I’m grown up, I’m a parent too. Not having kids would be weird to me. I’m not sure whether anyone could be convinced by anyone elses arguments for or against, although I know several men who are great fathers who had no planning whatsoever, but equally some who have disappeared sharpish once the reality of children kicks in. It’s lots of work and very expensive, more of a commitment than you’ve ever made to anything else you can ever do. And yes, they are awesome.

Kids are like farts – you don’t like other people’s, but you really quite enjoy your own! 😀

I always knew one day I’d have kids, still took me till I was 32 though, even though I’ve been with my wife since we were 17. 20 years last week, and we only got married last year!!

We waited till the right time, (or till we had nothing left to talk about!) and I don’t regret it for a second. it’s hard work but so worth it, it’s impossible to put into words.

I knew that I didn’t want kids. Totally uninterested in them.
However I knew that there were two types of people in the world:
* People who don’t want kids and are glad they don’t have any
* Old people

I wasn’t convinced that there was any intersection between the two groups. And I didn’t want to leave it too late to find out.

We’ve got 2 now and predictably enough I love them and love spending time with them. But the baby phase does frankly suck. The next phase does make up for it thankfully.

All bar one of my friends were adamant that they didn’t want kids either. Too busy climbing, biking , kayaking etc. All bar one pair now either has kids or wants them.

What you have to bear in mind is that you’re up against an almost unstoppable force of nature, that does weird things to people. The posters above each refer to their kids as amazing, beautiful etc. In actual fact they’re not, they’re just like all the other millions of kids in the world. But to their parents they are the most amazing thing in the world.

I know mine are.

Yep always knew.
Turned out I was wrong… want mine? 🙂

I was in my 40’s before I was in a position to have a child ie settled down with a woman I love and in a house I could stay in. By which time I was pretty much of the view having a child was not for us. My wife felt different and at 45 I became the father of crankbrat. I can genuinely say he has made a happy man feel very old but he is wonderful and a source of great pride and joy.

I nearly didn’t bother posting as binners said it all in the second post.

34 no plan for kids at the moment , not enough hours in the day as it is. Perhaps when im older!

Missus has no burning desire for kids either, the horse takes up her free time. 😆

I hate the whole ideology that everyone should get married and have kids. Certainly wouldn’t be pressured by kids or its over stance from the missus.

They enrich your life in more ways than you can ever imagine.
I’m skint, have no time, the house is always untidy but I wouldnt change a single thing.
Do it.
I wish I had done it 10 years before.

In fact, I liked them so much I got roped into becoming a Beaver Scout leader, so now I get to look after 24 of the buggers. 😕

Ive tried allsorts to lose mine, the lads nearly 16 so in a years time I will be dropping him off at Catterick before we move house.

I’m skint, have no time, the house is always untidy but I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Amen to that! 😀

What Binners said. I now have four of them. 🙄

Didn’t want any in my twenties/early thirties but I always enjoyed spending time with nephews or kids of friends when they were babies. So I sort of assumed a time would come when I’d want my own. Which it did. And having had a brush with the possibility of infertility, the thought of not being able to have one was horrible. Thankfully, we got fixed and we now have a ten month old that is the light of my life. I have no advice to offer as I have no idea of your circumstances, apart from don’t leave it too late to test your fertility. Wimminz aren’t always easily able to get pregnant in their late thirties. And men’s fertility straits to drop off too. It can be a cruel combination.

Do it ffs that’s why we’re on the planet it’s great fun so it has its ups an downs but that’s life

Go for it ! If you’re questioning it are you actually questioning the relationship you have with the lady in question ?

Enjoy whatever decision you make

Bear in mind that people who regret it are very unlikely to admit it in a public forum, or even to themselves so you are getting a skewed opinion.

But again, what binners said.

As above, didn’t know I wanted one (or was ready for one!) until we had one. She rocks.

Did I always know I would want kids? Yes.

Did I want them particularly young? No.

I was early 30s when I felt that the time was right and luckily that coincided with the same thoughts from Mrs Clubber. I guess that we had the luxury of time (relatively speaking) still at that point though.

My son’s 5 now and my daughter is a bit over 1.5 years and I struggle now with the thought of starting again. I definitely think it’s easier younger. And on that point, don’t underestimate the upheaval – it’s the constant demand of parenthood that’s the difficult bit. Borrowing some kids (in a permission-granted from the parents sort of way!) is a good taste of what parenthood is like but you can’t really replicate it until you take away the option of handing them back at the end of the day and recovering 😉

In case it needs saying, no regrets. I have no time for anything, struggle to fit in riding or fixing my bikes but I’d never change my decision if I had that choice again.

What binners said.

Right the way through the pregnancy I found it extremely difficult to motivate myself to be interested. Simple as that. I loved my girlfriend and she was clearly very excited about the whole thing but I, for the most part, was bothered by it at all. All I could see was my way of life being impacted.

This continued right up till the little noise and shit machine popped out. Then my world turned upside down.

This wonderful state of affairs continued till he started mouthing off to me and I lost interest again. 😉

They say they pay you back but I’ve not seen a penny yet.

Ours has just gone off to university. That’s very weird. Someone is in your life for 18 years pretty much constantly and then suddenly, they’re gone. The house feels empty and lonely. And I’ve still not seen a penny.

I was just like you, held out for too long probably.

Wish I’d done it sooner now, so I could have more time with them.

Always, always, always wanted kids.
Got married at 24, had a good few years of “couple life” then decided to get on with it. Then discovered we couldn’t easily. Took 4 years of fertility treatment (and 1 miscarriage) before #1 came along.
2 years later, tried again, took another 2 years of treatment, but #2 came along last year.
6 years in total of exhausting (physically and mentally) treatment means we’re not having any more, unless there’s a happy accident (on top of the fact that nothing is a better form of contraception than existing children). But they are absolutely, bloody brilliant.

#1, running up a hill

#2 crawling around the bottom of it

Basically, if you want to, then get on with it, just in case its not an easy process!

I think it’s fairly common to not know if you want kids or not (as a bloke), bottom line is do you want to spend the time it will take to raise a family with this woman and probably the rest of your like? If yes then crack on.

People in agreement with Binners shocker!!

There appears to be sense talked here. This can’t be STW.

But yes, like a few others I wasn’t particularly sure until they arrived – although with number 2, an over the bars incident in Les Gets by my 10 weeks pregnant wife followed by some worrying symptoms and trips to the medical centre brought it home pretty sharply that we did want a second (he’s fine by the way).

The first 12-18 months can be a right git too. The mother will get all the affection from the small child and you just get knackered from running around after the two of them (you will get no sympathy from said mother who looks like a tired version of your wife, because she’s also knackered from running around after small child). It’s amazing the parental divorce rate in the first year of children’s lives isn’t higher.

But when they first turn to you for comfort, or first turn the pedals unaided, or chase you down a ski run chattering 19 to the dozen…

In summary, Binners 😯 +1

Edit: note you are not me (unless you are and the secret identity is blown) and what was / is right for me may not be right for you. I do see parents who just seem to be waiting for their kids to leave home – and looking like they think boarding school might be appealing. But that’s not my experience.