[Closed] Breaking up with a narcissits.

To a person with a balanced personality, traits like narcissism can be difficult to fathom. Before marriage I had plenty of hopeful relationships that failed when I slowly discovered unsavoury aspects of the GF's personality or past life - or she in mine I expect, but it always seemed to be me who was doing the breaking up. If I was in your place I guess my thoughts would be: "She seemed so nice and I really liked her.... how could she have had such a self-obsession?"

Sadly narcissism feeds off social media incontinence, shallow relationships and free selfies.

What thoughts are still in your head?

Presumably you told her....

"It's not me, it's you"

She'd have liked that.

Just snap them off at the stem.

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I know this is a serious thread but PP and Drac 😀

Brilliant humour

(sorry OP)

Sounds like you have experienced narcissistic abuse and that is difficult to get out of your head. This guy on YT has made loads of videos on the subject and I find him bright and insightful:

Sounds like you have experienced narcissistic abuse

Hold on. We don't have evidence of that from the OP so far.

"I went out with an immature and selfish person. Thank god I got away from them. I pity the poor sod who has to put up with them now."

We've all done it, surely?

Have a look at the Thrive After Abuse YouTube channel.

Hebdencyclist - have a look at the OP's previous posts on this.

Hebdencyclist - have a look at the OP's previous posts on this.

Ah OK

Breaking up with a narcissits.

I'm confused, why is that different from breaking of with a non-narcissistic person?

Had to walk away from a close friend and business partner whose NPD was unfortunately all-encompassing. It affected his family in tragic ways, destroyed our business, creating mounting debts for himself (not to mention others) and endless troubles via time-consuming extra-marital affairs, constant lies and tantrums. Exhausting and disorientating for all involved. I first learned about NPD via this experience. They are incredibly demanding of attention and so learn to be charming and endearing. The many lies coupled with (in this individual) moments of candid, humorous self-deprecation is confusing to say the least.

But ultimately they are like vampires for your time and mind. Run and don't stop.

But ultimately they are like vampires for your time and mind. Run and don't stop.

I resent that remark.

But ultimately they are like vampires

....except for the whole looking in mirrors thing.

Breaking up with a narcissits.
I'm confused, why is that different from breaking of with a non-narcissistic person?

Because of the effect of the psychological abuse experienced during the relationship.

You will have been lied to, cheated on, insulted, criticised, demeaned, experienced narcissistic rages which make Eastenders look like rational conversations which can last many hours /days, spent much of your life living in fear because you never know where or when the next rage/beating is coming from or what will trigger it.

By the time you get out you may well have lost your self esteem, self confidence, have pretty severe depression and anxiety, not be sleeping, have complex PTSD , Stockholm syndrome, paranoid schizophrenia (rarely) and be completely unable to trust anyone for a long time.

By the time you get out you may well have lost your self esteem, self confidence, have pretty severe depression and anxiety, not be sleeping, have complex PTSD , Stockholm syndrome, paranoid schizophrenia (rarely) and be completely unable to trust anyone for a long time.

Time for these...

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You're just showing your ignorance about mental health. If it was as easy as that we could fix mental health problems overnight.

Would you like me to "pull my socks up" as well?

I guess I'm not fully aware of what narcissism is. I thought it was something to do with looking at yourself in mirrors a lot or actually in the case of Narcissus looking at your reflection a lake, but maybe I'm thinking of vampires too.

I think cyclingweakly has failed to understand.....

OP, the end of March is still fairly recent, right? Especially for a long term relationship? It's pretty natural to still be trying to work it all out...

Everybody has some narcisstic traits - we need them in day to day life. Problems happen when you exhibit lots of them very strongly. Coupled with a total inability to appreciate the affect our actions/behaviours have on other people ensures the narcissistic behaviours are out of control and incredibly damaging to those around them.

Presumably you told her....

"It's not me, it's you"

She'd have liked that.

That was my initial thought too.

😆

Edit: apologies to OP as have just read previous post on matter. Absolutely no offence intended.

There is a certain level of ignorance in this thread which is an opportunity. Dating a narcissist are things which should be avoided in life (IMO) and I would encourage people to learn how to spot one.

vwpaddler has it spot on. For me its the Stockholm Syndrome which im struggling with. I fell in love with something which didn't ultimately exist and her actions were to only please her self in a very manipulative way with a total lack of empathy.

Yep, this is serious and potentially very damaging for all involved. I have recently discovered this in a person related to me and it has put a completely different perspective on the last 60 years. I too am recoiling from all of this and am studying the complexity and impact of NPD so it can be put to bed for good.

Narcissus himself was far less nasty than NPD, the two should not be confused.

I had never heard of NPD before. A quick google found a frighteningly accurate list of my exes traits 😯

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

I think cyclingweakly has failed to understand.....

Having once spent 5 years in a relationship with someone with BPD (diagnosed by a man with a doctorate, not after reading a list on the internets 🙄 ), I do have rather a good understanding of personality disorders.

But I think the OP needs to remember that he is/was (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here), the well-adjusted one in this relationship. As such, and this might sound harsh, all he needs to do is man up, move on and fuggedaboudit. Well-adjusted people have the requisite mental capacity to do so.

Suggesting Stockholm Syndrome etc (!!!) isn't helpful. It just creates another victim with a fragile view of his situation.

Speaking from experience, you've dodged a bullet, and it'll take time but you'll get over it. Ride your bike, drink a little beer, spend some money on yourself and get yer end away.

Or maybe having a name for the symptoms you have allows you to access the treatment / help / support required for you to make a quicker recovery than relying on MTFU. I spent years using MTFU to survive in the relationship - only once I was getting outside help did I actually start to recover.

Narcissus himself was far less nasty than NPD, the two should not be confused

Narcissism is one of those terms where the general population uses a definition which is significantly different to the scientific / medical community. This does cause problems when the two worlds overlap as in this thread.

Narcissism is one of those terms where the general population uses a definition which is significantly different to the scientific / medical community.

Try dealing with Borderline! The majority of the population think it means you're on the cusp of being a bit mental, rather than one of the most destructive and dangerous areas of the personality disorder spectrum!

Apologies to anyone that takes offence at my bluntness, but the guy has managed to get out of a toxic relationship, it's time for him to move on, count his blessings and look forward to a better life.

Trust me OP: keep walking, never look back. Ever. You're not a victim (although plenty of bleeding heart bedwetters will tell you that you are and pluck a syndrome out of their arse to label you with), you're this guy...

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I suspect cycling weekly has good advice here. Have just this evening split from a woman with BPD.

She was amazing in many ways but when it begins to affect you you have to move on.

So much caring to be done and subtle manipulation of you, you don't even notice. Others do and it was their body language that told me. I needed space, made it obvious and she instigated the split, then seemed surprised a well balanced person made a decision as a result. I feel a huge weight has lifted and now there is more opportunity for me to help rather than be sucked in.

It's hard especially as there is a history of suicide attempts. I've told her to contact her mother and close friends, should I make them aware too???

My brother has just got out of a narcissitic marriage and unfortunately he is a mess.

By the time you get out you may well have lost your self esteem, self confidence, have pretty severe depression and anxiety, not be sleeping, have complex PTSD , Stockholm syndrome, paranoid schizophrenia (rarely) and be completely unable to trust anyone for a long time

The quote above sums him up perfectly, he is a changed person - for the worse. Even though they have now split, she is still trying to keep control by saying he can't see anyone else or she will make sure he never sees his daughter again. Vampires - they take and take and take and never give anything back.

You need to stop thinking about me and just move on.

diagnosed by a man with a doctorate, not after reading a list on the internets

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"....except for the whole looking in mirrors thing."

...yeah, the vampire analogy can't be taken very far at all. 🙁

My advice: Run away as fast as you can and don't look back.

I dated a woman with narcissist traits and was a borderline sociopath for 7 months, 6 months too long.

Unfortunately she was almost perfect in terms of looks and attractiveness for me. I'd keep going back like a moth to a flame and get burnt

I look at people (men and women) who are like this as damaged aggressive cats. It doesn't matter how gently and tenderly you stroke them, sooner or later you will get bitten or scratched.

In the end I became mentally and psychically unwell due to the stress and had to break it off as it was affected my health too badly.

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

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"....except for the whole looking in mirrors thing."

...yeah, the vampire analogy can't be taken very far at all.

Do you find that your happiness often hinges upon validation by others on internet forums?

I had one of those torture-by-apathy sorts in my life for two years. Nastytits.

Sympathy to the op sounds like you can start to move on.

On a more general note given the amount of disorders that are often covered in depth on you tube channels and blogs isn't it getting quite difficult to not have one to some degree and what does a person without nil disorders look like?

If the "disorder" is only found on blogs and YouTube then it's probably "normal". If they're described in the medical /psychological diagnostic manuals then time to consider them as "abnormal" and they're much more likely to have a serious detrimental effect on their lives and the lives of those around them.

As I said above everyone has narcissistic traits as we need them to survive. However those people with NPD have no ability to control the use and application of those traits.

[url= http://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde ]this pretty much describes my experince. [/url]

She has admitted herself to hospital, her mother is on the way. She is still trying to control from Hosp via messenger. I have had to delete and block comms now. Horrific. I know I can recover. Lesson learned. Don't always follow your heart.

The NPD symptoms/traits describes to a T someone who I used to work with. I always wondered why she needed constant attention and had a overblown arrogance. I actually assumed she used Cocaine on a fairly regular basis (there were the odd clue tbh).

[i]has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends[/i]

I used to know a few people like that....hence why they are no longer in my life!