Best one-liners from sit-coms – following on from the Allo Allo thread

“Stop getting Bond wrong!”

LISTER: Cat?
CAT: Mmm?
LISTER: Ya ever see the Flintstones?
CAT: Sure!
LISTER: D’ya think Wilma’s sexy?
CAT: Wilma Flintstone?
LISTER: Maybe we’ve been alone in deep space too long, but every time I
see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman that ever lived.
LISTER: That’s good. I thought I was goin’ strange.
CAT: She’s incredible!
LISTER: What d’ya think of Betty?
CAT: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty… but I’d be
thinking of Wilma.
LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
CAT: You’re right. We’re nuts. This is an insane conversation.
LISTER: She’ll never leave Fred, and we know it.

^ The best one-liner ever 😉

“A man with a s-s-stutter needs a big target to make love to.”

Arkwright pestering nurse Gladys.

These ones are small, those ones are far away.

Father ted.

Basil: Don’t be alarmed, it’s only my wife laughing.

Basil: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject – the bleeding obvious.

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it’s no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You’re not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

Father Dougal: God, I’ve heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and save us all.
Father Ted: No, Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Oh right

Blackadder: About as funny as getting an arrow through the neck, and then discovering there’s a gas bill tied to it.

Just remember, a man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle!
Wayne Norris Auf Wiedersehen Pet

Oz: Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue, what they got in common?
Dennis: Ah don’t no man Oz
Oz: They can all shove their bills up up their arse!!!

Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb.

just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you’ll be getting if you don’t start being a bit more helpful.

Porridge, when Fletcher is asked by the doctors to provide a sample into a receptical sitting on a shelf “what, from here?”.

Tough one! I think I would have to say ‘The best of the Beatles’

I don’t remember it word for word but I love this whole scene –
Blackadder – “Don’t under any circumstances step on a mine.”
Baldrick – “What should we do if by accident we do step on a mine?”
Blackadder – “Well, normal procedure Baldrick is to jump 200 feet in the air and spread yourself over a large area.”

Mrsparkle – not a sitcom

The Simpsons ?

not really a joke but more a funny line that has passed into common use (well at least until digital arrived)

Vyvyan: YES! WE’VE GOT A VIDEO

Oh my god, they killed Kenny!

Vyvyan: YES! WE’VE GOT A VIDEO

Oh, have you got a video?

So Father, I hear you’re a racist now! Should we all be racists?

Dan! Dan! DAN! DAN!

FLETCHER: I had a friend once – haven’t told you this before, have I? He was a light-heavy. Good strong boy. Won a few fights. Suddenly thought he was the bee’s knees. Fast cars, easy women. Classic story of too much, too soon. He just blew up. He got into debt and ended up in one of those travelling booths. Four fights a night, seven nights a week. Well the body can’t take that punishment. His brain went soft, his reflexes went. You know – punchy. Just became like a vegetable – an incoherent non-thinking zombie.

MACKAY: What became of him?

FLETCHER: He joined the prison service as a Warder. Doing very well

If anyone else asks me that question I’m gonna stick their head through the window!

Oh you’re German! I’m sorry I thought there was something wrong with you.

Gets me every time.

Frasier. All of it.
Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

“Wombles!!”

Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom boom boom.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom.

The Sound of the Guns, Pvt. Baldrick, 1917.

Jimmy Nail, Auf weidersein Pet – ‘you’re talking out yer arse you bollock’

“And I owe it all to yes I cannabis”

Doh!
A deer,
A female deer.

“I am not surprised, your breath comes straight from Satan’s bottom!”

“It’s ****ing snuffed it!” (OK, it’s from the live stage show)

“It’s a turnip shaped like a thingy, my Lord”

“You have absolutely no idea what irony is, have you, Baldrick?
Yes I have. It’s like steely and goldy, ‘crept it’s made of iron”

“She’s got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils!”

“I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split”

“A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, Death loses its sting…”

“You like blow jobs, don’t you Mark?”

“I’m eating a fruit corner, Jeremy.

Peep Show

Oh yeah Peep show there are loads good shout!

If you’re interested I’ll be in my quarters at lunchtime covered in taramasalata

Vivian ” Do not stick hard out of the train…I wonder why”

Loads from the IT Crowd
Good morning, that’s a nice TNETTENBA
But a fire? At a Sea Parks?

So what is it?

Sybil Fawlty: “Basil! You know what will happen if you don’t get that picture hung up this afternoon”

Basil: “You’ll have to nail them back on first”

“No Raquel, it’s not goodbye; it’s bonjour”

No… We can’t give that away as a prize…

Pretty much anything flashheart (no, not him) says

I iz hurting.

But, that aside, yes. Some of the funniest lines ever delivered. As with so many here, they’re a bit like the handbag line in Ernest. You know it’s coming, but you still laugh like a drain.

<strong Welsh accent>
“Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!”

</strong Welsh accent>

“I accidentally blue myself”