MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Whats the difference between a train carraige and a miscarraige?
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You can't eat a train carraige 😳
what's the difference between an egg and a wnak?
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you can beat an egg.
Someone accused me of being pretentious the other day.
I nearly choked on my skinny frappe latte.
BBC News "BA facing record financial losses of £600m"
No wonder he did those terrible snickers adverts.
I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
My wife's just like Heather Mills.
She only wears half the f***ing shoes she buys.
Mickey Mouse goes to the solicitor 'you can't divorce your wife for having buck teeth....'
'No, she's ****ing goofy'
A Chineseman walks into a bar with a bright green, 3 foot tall parrot on one shoulder. The bar man says "That's unusual, where did you get a thing like that?".
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The Parrot says: "China"
what's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'?
you can get to sleep with a light on
Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse...
These 3D TVs are really realistic.
I fell asleep on the sofa the other night whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone.
I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night and she said mine was the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".
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I was woken up last night by the bulimic girl next door.
I banged on the wall and shouted "For god's sake, keep it down!"
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My OH said she's worried about my drinking problem.
I said it's not a problem because I drink DOT5 - I can stop anytime I want.
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Next door's kids have just challenged me to a water fight.
Thought I'd pop on here and tell everyone whilst I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
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Whiteboards are remarkable.
The problem with simple origami is twofold.
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A mate of mine is totally obsessed with monorails.
He has a one-track mind.
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I read a story about a Dutch girl with inflateable footwear the other day. It was very sad - at the end, she popped her clogs.
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Each night somebody mysteriously adds soil to my allotment... the plot thickens.
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I saw a clown car crash once.
There were bodies lying all over the place in funny positions.
My mum's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.
Her doctor thinks it's a virus but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.
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A convention of opticians? I can't see it myself.
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Landfill sites. What a load of old rubbish.
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I went playing lawn bowls at the weekend, and they told me I'd need to wear glasses when playing. Apparently, it's a non-contact sport.
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What do you call a woman with a toothpick in her head?
Olive.
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Top tip. Don't confuse laxatives with viagra. It makes you crap in bed.
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Teenager asks his nan, "Nan, have you seen my, uh, medicine? They're tablets marked LSD. I can't find them."
Nan says "Bugger the tablets - have you see the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I'm having some trouble... uh, down there."
After a moment's thought the doc says, "Ah well, I think I've found the problem sir. You're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I ... I ... are you sure? I didn't see that one coming. Why's that doc?"
"Well, I'm trying to examine you."
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
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[b]A BABOOM[/b]
Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes!
what's got 2 legs and bleeds?
half a dog
what's black and white and eats like a horse?
a zebra
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
How do you crucify a spastic?
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On a swastika.
What's better than throwing babies off a cliff?
Catching them with a pitchfork.
Telegraph asks, Should there be a review of Shotgun laws?
Why should one angry motorist affect the way we decide who rides in the front?
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Stephen Hawking seems to have a chip on his shoulder.
Whoops! Typo. I meant chin.
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I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained.
"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the **** have you started speaking Italian?
Andy_B - Memberwhat's black and white and eats like a horse?
a zebra
PMSL !
What do you do if a bird craps on your car?
Don't take her out again!
What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin
"Well, I'm trying to examine you."
Cougar - I just wet myself laughing at that
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pok'e'mon
Whats red and invisible?No tomatoes!
Cheers wee-al, that's my new favourite.