tazzymtb - MemberHow many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
Thats funny - evil and twisted but the only on that I genuine loled at
Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo, they're walking along the seafront and one says to the other..
"I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday"
Man points a gun at a woman in the ice cream van.
"Give me an ice cream!"
"Do you want chopped nuts with that?"
"Do you want your tits blowing off?"
Why's the queen a slag?
Cos shes got E.R. written on her knickers
what's brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards ?
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The Isle of Wight ferry
(it's white, doesn't steam, forwards I think and Cowes is spelt wrong but I loved that joke when I was ten)
What do the lions at London zoo get for lunch?
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Half an hour, same as the tigers...
whats red and hard and goes in tarts ?
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rhubarb 😆
A man walks into the doctors with a carrot in his ear and a stick of celery up his nose.
the doctor says "you're not eating properly."
whats red and lies on its side?
a dead bus
what do you call an italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
what do you call a frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Fillop
Whats red and smells of paint?
Red paint
and to finish my favourite joke of the 21st century
When does saddam hussain have his dinner?
when Tariq Aziz
I went to the zoo the other day. It was rubbish! Only had one animal, a small dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg.
I need to wait for my 9yo to come home from school before I post any other cr@p jokes, he's got a good few to share.
😆
Any more??
Why do mice have small balls?
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Because not many know how to dance
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
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Microwave it until its bill withers.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down a hill and turned into a field
What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Two blonds walk into a bar.... you'd have thought the 2nd one would have seen it.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom.
how do you annoy Lady GaGa?
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Poker Face
2 snowmen in a field 1 turns to the other says "can you smell carrots?"
2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."
Bill and Ben in the bath.
Bill farts, Ben says,
"About half past 10"
what do ypu call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
What do you call afly with no wings?
A walk!
A penguin walks into a bar and asks "has my brother been in?"
Barman replies " Dunno, whats he look like?"
😆
Dont usually ask people to explain jokes...
But beamers -
beamers - Member
2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."
I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain 🙂
A few of my favourites
my dog minton ate my shuttlecock
bad minton
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain
Handyman
Really?
Nuns are celibate right?
Where's = wears
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
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Cos the parrots eat the all...
What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'?
Dr Dre
What's pink and hard?The Financial Times crossword.
What's pink and Hard? A pig with a baseball bat
A man walks into a bar; "Looking good, have you been working out?" say the peanuts. "Yeah but he's bald and he smells" says the fruit machine.
Confused, the man goes to the bar and the barman says "The peanuts are complimentary, sorry the fruit machine's out of order".
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
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He drowned on his own vimto.
What do call a cow with Wings?
Linda McCartney
(Possibly a Tommy Cooper one)
One in five people in the world is Chinese.
I've got five brothers: Bob, Jim, Mike, Dingxiang and Pete...
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I think it's Jim.
what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
What do you call a man with an arm on his head?
Ahmed
Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street. One says, "I've never come this way before"
The other says, "Oh, I have...."
did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
he worked it out with a pencil!
😆
Some good (bad) ones there,what about sick jokes?
What's red and screams?
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A peeled baby in a bucket of salt
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
😳
What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bum?
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Warren
Whats the difference between a train carraige and a miscarraige?
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You can't eat a train carraige 😳
what's the difference between an egg and a wnak?
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you can beat an egg.
Someone accused me of being pretentious the other day.
I nearly choked on my skinny frappe latte.
BBC News "BA facing record financial losses of £600m"
No wonder he did those terrible snickers adverts.
I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
My wife's just like Heather Mills.
She only wears half the f***ing shoes she buys.
Mickey Mouse goes to the solicitor 'you can't divorce your wife for having buck teeth....'
'No, she's ****ing goofy'
A Chineseman walks into a bar with a bright green, 3 foot tall parrot on one shoulder. The bar man says "That's unusual, where did you get a thing like that?".
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The Parrot says: "China"
what's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'?
you can get to sleep with a light on
Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse...
These 3D TVs are really realistic.
I fell asleep on the sofa the other night whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone.
I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night and she said mine was the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".
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I was woken up last night by the bulimic girl next door.
I banged on the wall and shouted "For god's sake, keep it down!"
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My OH said she's worried about my drinking problem.
I said it's not a problem because I drink DOT5 - I can stop anytime I want.
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Next door's kids have just challenged me to a water fight.
Thought I'd pop on here and tell everyone whilst I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
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Whiteboards are remarkable.
