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wrightyson - Obviously none of us know everything that's went on. I reckon we've all tried to offer opinions based on the original issue without knowing any contributory factors.
I don't think Parents have carte blanche to do whatever they like any more than anyone else. Only you can know if they're worthwhile people to have in your life. Good luck with whatever you decide, ultimately.
The way i see it is your mum has got the arse with you or your wife, told your dad there is to be no comms. Dad being dad doesn't want to piss mum off so does as he is told. Same the world over, husbands don't want to go against the wife, doesn't make for a happy life. Call your dad when you know mum isn't around, think you will find he is happy to talk to you and the wife and kids.
This birthday has caused you some grief, hasn't it?! Wasn't it you that posted a short while ago that you'd fallen out with friends for letting you down over a festival you were going to for her birthday? Now it's your parents. Best put her 40th behind you, enjoy your holiday then get back to normal 8)
Family politics biggest cause of fallouts and often over trivial matters, however I don't have anything to do with my family as it just leads to unhappiness and heartache and the phrase that boils my blood more than anything from know it all do gooders is "You only have one family" no shit Sherlock. So either find out what their problem is or just get on with your own lives and leave them to it.
All over forgetting a birthday? Seems way OTT. NB I forget my own Birthday and have had others have to remind me and I still talk to myself.
My brother doesn't even reply to texts/facebook messages etc etc - if it wasn't for his wife I don't think there'd be any dialogue between us at all. I didn't get any recognition from him at birthdays or Xmas for 20+ years...
He always been rubbish like this, he has few friends as a result and we're not close at all. I don't think he means it, he just doesn't function very well socially - to the point I think he's on the autistic spectrum. Although funnily enough, he's very good with his kids - I think he finds them easier to deal with than adults.
But life's too short to be angry with him about it, I just keep sending messages and accept I'll get no reply. Yes it's crap but I don't think it's worth estranging myself over it...
My advice OP, as much as it feels crap that you have to do it, offer the olive branch, tell them how you feel and try and get a dialogue going
Reading between the lines is your wife contributing to the general air of dislike?
Entirely innocent? Quick to take offence?
Are you getting f___ed from both ends (as it were)
Just asking.
Honestly - get over it. It's too easy to feel slighted - but it's not worth the anger.
I was the same with mine - then I got a call to tell me my mum had 6months to live. Sometimes we have to put the petty stuff behind and move on.
FFS there's a lot more to it than the birthday, as I've said before! Can't be arsed to go into details as Ive thoroughly had enough of thinking/stewing about it over the last few weeks! If the old dear wants to play silly ****ers then so be it. Ill rise above as said and make the first move!
You sound like a fantastic negotiator based on your latest response.
I'm sure your parents will love you forever just probably never talk to you and leave you out of their inheritance.
Enjoy your parentless life with your wife.
Yeah you've got me down to the t.
Is this what they call a "flaming" in forumspeak?
Probably gets it from his mum's side
Judgemental lot on here effing no it alls!
We are trying very hard not to fall out with my son. He and his partner have been living with us while they do up a wreck they have bought. It is now 11 months and nothing has been done but they have time and money to go to Glasto and Shambala. When we very gently enquired how things were going with the house he got very shirty. He obviously doesn't want to be living with his parents at 31 so why aren't they getting on with it? I feel we are being used to enable them to prolong their teenage years into their 40s!
[professional bias] [url= http://www.aft.org.uk/consider/view/consider.html ]stsyemic therapy is spendy but great![/url] [/professional bias]
If you have fallen out so badly with your folks and it was a long time coming/brewing, it's worth looking at how/why -with all the goodwill (and determination not to be your mum/dad!) in the world you could still end up repeating some of the patterns (therapist will call these 'scripts' or 'circularities') with your own kids that are the roots of you falling out with your parents.
Iolo - 🙄
Forgetting a Birthday is a bit hurtful.
One year, I was going out for a meal with friends for mine, I'd been upstairs to change and they'd just arrived to pick me up. When I said cheerio to the folks, mum looked a bit quizzical, and said, 'are you going out somewhere?', I said, 'yes, we're going out for a meal, it's my birthday, isn't it'.
She looked absolutely horrified, she'd completely forgotten, didn't have a card or a pressy, and I hadn't wanted to make a fuss when I got home from work.
She was terribly upset, bless her, and never forgot again.
Wish she was still here... 🙁
Didn't speak to my dad for 25 years. We didn't really even fall out. He got in a snit about something and I couldn't be arsed to contact him, and apparently he felt the same. It was no great loss, and seeing him again does not fill a great hole. The last event in a relationship often seems trivial but is just the final straw.
Well done for saying you will contact them, but sounds like you do need to tell your mum what she is doing and what the end results will be. Being a parent isn't a licence to be a jerk.
If you have fallen out so badly with your folks and it was a long time coming/brewing, it's worth looking at how/why -with all the goodwill (and determination not to be your mum/dad!) in the world you could still end up repeating some of the patterns (therapist will call these 'scripts' or 'circularities') with your own kids that are the roots of you falling out with your parents.
Since whenever I can remember and along into adulthood I can only remember being shouted at, and a sibling receiving all the praise/new presents/support etc. Our kids are lucky to see them once a year (if its convienient for them) and i don't talk to said sibling.
Now that I have kids, I can see some of the challenges and I can see they were must less able to cope financially than we are. However, we are now at the "ill" and potential "clogs popping stage". Consequently I have no idea how to deal with it - either ignore it and let the sibling step up to the plate (they probably won't), play some polite emotion for other people. Tbh, even the fact the problem has arisen feel as though they are putting on me again, ie and irritation.
Weighty son, i suggest you just go round and have a chat before you end up a soulless confused mess about the subject.
my parents have fallen out with my grandparents. It causes us grandkids a world of grief, which isn't our making. It seems that pride comes before unity.
Globalti has it right, back on pg1 of this thread.
[i]I know the problem is my mother but I always thought my dad was better than that. That's what cuts the most I reckon! [/i]
Your dad has to live with your mum, he can side with you and get beaten down constantly on the subject until he gives up or he can side with your mum and have some semblance of a reasonable life. Don't be too harsh on him.
Everyone has their personality flaws. Parents we put on a pedestal when we are young only to discover are complete ****wits when we are adults. If your parents are like mine keep at arms length only keeping in touch for the sake of the grandkids, but if your parents are like my in laws then dig in, bite your lip & swallow your pride. It all depends on if the grief is worth it or not.
Life is too short.
Make peace.
But be assertive.
Make sure your wife is hot then parents are second.
sounds like you didnt make enough effort to get your kids to their grandad on his birthday
your mum has retaliated by avoiding your wifes 40th - which may seem tit for tat, but given you were going away to a festival to celebrate....sounds like the 40th wasnt a family occassion anyway.
your wife needs to grow up you taking her side wont help that, your mum will want to see an apology made to your dad, who probably couldnt give a flying duck, but will be happy to see his grandkids again.
FFS there's a lot more to it than the birthday, as I've said before! Can't be arsed to go into details as Ive thoroughly had enough of thinking/stewing about it over the last few weeks! If the old dear wants to play silly **** then so be it. Ill rise above as said and make the first move!
Something to think about:
My Brother and his wife had a huge argument and didn't speak to my parents for about two years, and didn't take his kids around due to being a stubborn bastard and not going to back down and believing the had to apologise first. My parents had exactly the same attitude (they were both in the wrong, and being as bad as each other)
However during those two years my mum developed terminal cancer, whilst they did make up once he was told, and not by them, as they still felt that he didn't want anything to do with them, so *wouldn't* care, and he has never really got over the two years he missed out on due to being bloody minded and regrets that his kids would never know his mother just because he had a falling out over something which really doesn't matter in the scale of things.
He also realises, if it wasn't for his brothers and sisters, that the last (angry) words he had with his parents could quite easily have been his last to them.
Life is too short, swallow your pride and move on as they aren't going to be around forever and any time you spend with them is a gift.
Bizarely, my wife has just phoned me, quite upset.
She is apparently being slagged off by her sisters because she 'doesn't like her niece's daughter'. This is because she didn't put anything (money) in her birthday card. That this is one of three kids, the other two were taken out shopping. My wife was going to do the same with this one but plans were cancelled at the last minute.
Now she's dirt and wishes this child would die or something. This no doubt has started from her niece who we have supported through thick and thin, both financially and emotionally. We attend all the birthday parties, recitals and dance competitions and are always there in times of crisis. We have given her a car, large loans that never got paid back and we dropped a five figure amount into a house for her (which I bet we'll never see either).
Miss out a tenner in a card though and you're scum.
Families eh?
a tenner? in a birthday card? no recession in the south eh?
there are some seriously warped and melancholic tales of family disfunction in this thread.. 🙁
Go on then Yunki, let us know what is supposed to be like. I for one have no idea what an ideal relationship with parents is supposed to be, so feel free to help me out...
Supposed to be like? Ideal relationship? Whatever do you mean?
Kryton, quit with the Yunki baiting and please make a careful note that: We all make our own world. What is ideal for one, could be less so for another. There is no definition of a 'perfect parental (or other) relationship', we make stuff happen.
Every family is dysfunctional in it's own way.
Everyone of us is also autistic to an extent too.
Back on topic, OP, FWIW, someone mentioned earlier that you were also feeling let down by your mates not being able to do something or other. Patterns emerging in your reactions to stuff. I'll say again: We make our own world. Also, there was another post in this thread that suggested some possible history of issues between your wife and her MiL and you now caught up in the middle with split loyalties, which is not good and you need to talk to them. Not unusual, despite the stereotype of it normally being the son in law and MiL.