MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
I dunno if this thread will have legs but,
I was in the butty shop at lunchtime today. The guy in front of me was asked "do you want a bag?" and he replied "yeah, if you've got one." What? 🤷♂️ No, we don't have any bags, I was asking out of curiosity?
I'm guilty of phoning people and going "hi, it's me." Who else would it be? Idiot boy.
What've you got?
Frank Hester saying that Abbott "makes you want to hate all black women"
Frank Hester saying his criticism "had nothing to do with her gender nor colour of skin"
Frank Hester saying that Abbott “makes you want to hate all black women”
Frank Hester saying his criticism “had nothing to do with her gender nor colour of skin”
Followed by assorted Tories saying "Yes what he said was racist but he is not a racist"
This thread started well but great, more politics.
At McDonald's: "Can I have the small cheeseburger please?"
I say 'yes' too often.
The sky adverts: offers exclusively for new and existing customers.
Or, to put it another way, anybody who wants it.
I’m guilty of phoning people and going “hi, it’s me.” Who else would it be? Idiot boy.
Whenever I phone my Dad I say "Hi, it's finbar" and every time he replies "I know, I can see it on my phone".
Well, how else shall I start the call you dumb prick?
I use a bakery just up the road from me, and a young woman in front of me one Saturday asked for fruit scones, "but not too many raisins" in it...Just how they were meant to tell how many each scone had wasn't clear...The woman behind the counter was a much much better perosn than me though, of all the things I'd have been tempted to say, I don't think handing her the basket and saying "Why don't you tell me which ones you want" wouldn't been in my top 5
Sometime ago.
Mobile phone rings (CCO = call-centre operative)
CCO: "Hello, it Kayleigh from Gladstone Brooks"
Me: "Yes?"
CCO: "I have some news about your claim, can I just take you through security"
Me: "No, you may not"
CCO: Pardon!
Me: You rang me and I have no idea who you are. How can you authenticate who you are, we have no password or security set for calls from your end?
CCO: I'll just take you through security!
Me: I think we'll end this here, thanks for the call but this is probably best done by email. Goodbye.
There's a lot of operations that haven't thought through the dynamics of not having a publicly accessible and verified DDI number for the client.
Local chip shop used to enquire if the bag of chips I'd just purchased were "for eating?" before wrapping them.
I loved visiting NI for work, every time I went to a supermarket to get my lunch I'd be asked if I wanted a 'wee bag'.
Always made me smile.
I imagined various replies - "no thanks, but I'll take a regular sized one please" or "no thanks, I'll use the toilet like a normal person".
I was in a petrol station a few years ago. As I was queuing to pay for my fuel I overheard the following exchange between a customer and an assistant:
Customer: I need to some oil for my car.
Assistant: Certainly madam. What car do you have.
Customer: It's a green one!
There’s a lot of operations that haven’t thought through the dynamics of not having a publicly accessible and verified DDI number for the client.
Had almost the same phone call with Lloyds Credit Card Fraud dept. I simply hung up (politely, etc) then called them back via the actual factual visible number on the back of the card.
It is, I agree, not particularly clever to ring you up from an unknown, and not searchable, number, and then start trying to talk to you about your banking details... are you trying to extract personal data to defraud me?
The sky adverts: offers exclusively for new and existing customers.
Or, to put it another way, anybody who wants it.
The local Tesco has a sign on the self-service checkouts advising "cash or card only." What the hell else were people paying with, were they going through with a cheque book?
Local chip shop used to enquire if the bag of chips I’d just purchased were “for eating?” before wrapping them.
That's fantastic.
"everyone's talking about it" adverts etc.
If your going to the shop get some milk, but only if you remember.
Also, from the same wife
If your going to the shop get some eggs, but only if they have got some
Unless they work at a theme park* , anyone using the adjective 'exciting' to describe anything within a work context.
*Other exceptions may apply, but definitely not a building society.
Unless they work at a theme park* , anyone using the adjective ‘exciting’ to describe anything within a work context.
On the other hand, there are plenty of jobs (mine included) where excitement is a possibility, but on the whole one you'd rather avoid.
Me : Can I have an english breakfast, please?
Server: We stop serving them at 11am
Me: but it's there on the menu?
Server: That's an all-day breakfast...
Me: CaN i HaVe An ALl dAy bReAkFaSt pLeAse ?!?!?
Server: Of course, that will be £5.99
Me: ......
This sort of fits here. For some reason it popped into my head and you are the sort who may actually understand. Remember the old Insignia advert? The catchy jingle was "Insignias got everything, shampoo to shower gel", so shampoo and shower gel then. I mean what fits in-between those items in the list.
I’m guilty of phoning people and going “hi, it’s me.” Who else would it be? Idiot boy.
You have to start the conversation some how. The one that always gets me is going to Screwfix. No matter what I say they say "have you shopped with us before?", I say yes, they say what's your postcode?. I feel I should open with "I've shopped with you before and this is my postcode..." but that seems wrong.
On some Christmas tree lights I bought a few years ago - "For indoor or outdoor use only"
❓
You have to start the conversation some how. The one that always gets me is going to Screwfix. No matter what I say they say “have you shopped with us before?”, I say yes, they say what’s your postcode?. I feel I should open with “I’ve shopped with you before and this is my postcode…” but that seems wrong.
I used to just open with 'hi, my postcode is xxxxxx'
Also, from the same wife
How many wives do you have?
The catchy jingle was “Insignias got everything, shampoo to shower gel”, so shampoo and shower gel then. I mean what fits in-between those items in the list.
Deodorant and aftershave, for one all-over smell.
I feel I should open with “I’ve shopped with you before and this is my postcode…” but that seems wrong.
You'd almost certainly break the system. I've gone into frequent-flyer stores before and tried to shortcut the process by saying "yes, no, and no thank you" before being asked any questions, you can see "TILT" flash up on their retinas.
Well, how else shall I start the call you dumb prick?
"Hi Finbar, it's Dad"
Wrongfoot the blighter.
[i]Also, from the same wife
How many wives do you have?[/i]
Just one but she really loves it when I introduce her as my first wife.
Deodorant and aftershave, for one all-over smell.
It's new Insignia, and it's all over now
Just one but she really loves it when I introduce her as my first wife.
I like to tell MrsIHN that she's definitely one of the top two wives that I've ever had.
"Did you get the messages?". Apparently means "Did you get the shopping?"
Lived in Edinburgh 14 years and still learning new things from the locals
"Did you get the messages?". Apparently means "Did you get the shopping?"
Lived in Edinburgh 14 years and still learning new things from the locals
I like to tell MrsIHN that she’s definitely one of the top two wives that I’ve ever had.
I have a couple like that to wind up my only child, (daughter)
No, you're not my favorite.
And regarding her friend Darcie,
Ah, she's like the daughter we never had.
Me "Is that a beehive over there?"
Them "No, it's man-made"
Me "Some beehives are man-made..."
Them "Oh, really? Then what do you do, find some homeless bees and put them in it?"
.
.
Is Peru real? I thought that was where Paddington was from?
.
.
I'm not a fan of creepy crawly things or slithery things. I especially don't like alligators.
Me "What? 🤣"
They are quite creepy crawly when they're on land🤷
"It's always in the last place you look".
Well of course it is, what kind of idiot continues to look for something after they found it?
I’m guilty of phoning people and going “hi, it’s me.”
That is properly weird, to be fair... they already know who it is.. "hi, how's it going" or "hi what you up to" is the correct greeting, as you don't know if they are busy with something and might need to get you off the line sharpish.
In fact, that's one for the 'disproportionatley cross' thread...
Just remembered one that the new administrator at work said the other day. She's lovely, but we've had sharper butter knives.
I've never tried it, [marmalade] because I don't like carrots. 😱🤣
We had a young lad at work who came out with some crazy stuff. To the point we had a shared Word doc to record the best ones.
Why should I know who Gandhi is? I’ve never seen Lord of the Rings.
Dinosaurs weren’t real. They’re made up, just like unicorns and nazis.
What is soup?
Was that guy from The Beatles named after the airport.
We've done a few work ones that annoy people but the one that gets me is 'Reach out' - the only people allowed to use that in a work setting are the Four Tops
But that then leads on to a non native english speaker (not racist, I mean english wasn't her first language!!) who'd obviously picked up some colloquialisms but not others. So when we suggested she might need to do some further consultations for her project with other people in the organisation she managed to extend the above into 'I'll reach around with the others' which was probably more than they'd normally get on a dull Tuesday.
There was a bit of s****ing but thankfully it wasn't me that had to explain afterwards.
The local Tesco has a sign on the self-service checkouts advising “cash or card only.” What the hell else were people paying with, were they going through with a cheque book?
Weeeeeell, my supermarket takes Card, Swish and Klarna. Doesn't take cash though.
I’ve never tried it, [marmalade] because I don’t like carrots. 😱🤣
Quite a lot of decent marmalades have carrot in them, so she's not *completely* out there...
I mean, it's not like you can actually take a spoon full of marmalade and go "Hmmmm, taste the carrot" or anything. But it's there.
People (customers) who ask “Can I get…?”
No, you can’t. The server/assistant/barista can get it for you.
there are plenty of jobs (mine included) where excitement is a possibility
Yes there's nothing like the "excitement" of trying to find a room on a warm summer Friday afternoon on the North Norfolk coast! Plus two taxi rides and somewhere to store bikes. (Hasn't happened yet but the worry of an hotel not homouring a booking is constantly there).
“Can I get…?”
It’s just an Americanism and grammatically correct over there, having been recorded in novels for well over 100 years.
It’s probably inevitable that it will become more widely used here, but I still hate it.
‘I’ll reach around with the others’
We have a female project engineer who's job got stopped at lunchtime one Friday for some flimsy reason. She was not pleased about it and stormed out of the office shouting,
"Right that's it, I'm going to go and pull off my men!"
I assume she was so mad she didn't hear the gales of laughter that followed her down the stairs. Must have been 8 or 9 years ago, still gets talked about now.
We’ve done a few work ones that annoy people but the one that gets me is ‘Reach out’ – the only people allowed to use that in a work setting are the Four Tops
Well, that’s the Spotify theme for the day established!
I like to tell the current MrsIHN
One of the errors people make when writing procedures at work is to refer to individuals as being responsible for something. Of course people leave, retire, etc. and the procedure has to continue so when we review and edit we try wherever possible refer to their role, to future proof.
Yet when I do similar at home, referring to her as 'The Wife' rather than by name it's somehow no longer good practise?
We had a site manager at a nuclear power station who used to end the daily shutdown meetings with "Right, let's crack off" rather than crack-on. No idea whether he did it on purpose but always with a completely straight face!
I'm just back from the US where I played a game called Corn Hole. Sounded like it was something from Roger's Profanisaurus.
"That's fairly unique..." it isn't unique then!
"I can't get no satisfaction..." so, you can get satisfaction?
I loved visiting NI for work, every time I went to a supermarket to get my lunch I’d be asked if I wanted a ‘wee bag’.
Have to speak to a colleague in Belfast a lot, and we always have the same banter, he says "tanks a million" a lot, and standard response is now "that's ok give them to Ukraine".
Woah, back up, is someone suggesting that marmalade has carrots in?
In a thread about daft things to say.
Don't make me go and check, it doesn't does it?
Not sure if it counts as daft or not but made me laugh. Standing in the queue for the bar at Murrayfield a few years ago the chap in front of me asked for five beers. “Sorry sir” the girl replied, “we sell a maximum of four drinks”. “Well in that case can I buy four beers, and then can I buy another beer?”. “Certainly sir, no problem. And would you like to pay for them all together?”.
"Now, then." Is it now, or was it then?
Speaking of double-negatives, I sometimes drop things like "I can't not underemphasise that enough" or "I don't think you've not misunderstood me enough" into conversations. You can see them trying to work it back for a few seconds.
“Did you get the messages?”. Apparently means “Did you get the shopping?”
Lived in Edinburgh 14 years and still learning new things from the locals
MissJ returned from her first day at school in Scotland and told her mum she needed to take a "play piece" the next day. MrsJ - being forrin - had no clue what she was talking about. Me - being forrin to Scotland but having been more exposed to the culture - had a very vague notion of what she wanted.
I’m just back from the US where I played a game called Corn Hole. Sounded like it was something from Roger’s Profanisaurus.
It is actually established slang for exactly what it sounds like, isn't it?
Cf. The Great Cornholio in Beavis and Butthead.
My father used to always say when filling anything - bucket, kettle to fill it from the well. He grew up in the east end of Glasgow, and while i have heard there were wells about in Glasgow many years back, I think its a familiar family phrase that went back further than that, to our ancestors over in Ireland.w
Yet when I do similar at home, referring to her as ‘The Wife’ rather than by name it’s somehow no longer good practise?
You are Sir Adrian Dangerous AICMFP.
she needed to take a “play piece”
I'd go with Hamlet's soliloquy, can't fail to move a soul if delivered well
Not sure if it counts as daft or not but made me laugh. Standing in the queue for the bar at Murrayfield a few years ago the chap in front of me asked for five beers. “Sorry sir” the girl replied, “we sell a maximum of four drinks”. “Well in that case can I buy four beers, and then can I buy another beer?”. “Certainly sir, no problem. And would you like to pay for them all together?”.
Had similar in a city centre pub where they weren't allowed a treble whisky, so had 2 doubles, paid for together instead.
Woah, back up, is someone suggesting that marmalade has carrots in?
In a thread about daft things to say.
Don’t make me go and check, it doesn’t does it?
Some do, some don't, i have both at home at the moment.
Now I really want to try a carrot marmalade. Down with the citrus!
A group of us archaeology students were on site messing around and the director said ‘right, I want you boys whacking off in a row in front of me’. She was very posh and didn’t understand our laughter so someone explained and she went red and had to sit down.
Advert in TV for a "fully hybrid" car. So fully part one thing part the other?
Down with the citrus!
How Disturbing.
Can I rant about all the dimwits who say "For free"? Free isn't an amount so you can't have it for that. You can have it "Free of charge" and thus, if lazy "Free".
I care not one toss that it is becoming the default.
Carrots are fruit
That may be the winner 😉
Followed by assorted Tories saying “Yes what he said was racist but he is not a racist”
Possibly open to debate, but the fact that he’s an asshole isn’t.
Had almost the same phone call with Lloyds Credit Card Fraud dept. I simply hung up (politely, etc) then called them back via the actual factual visible number on the back of the card.
It is, I agree, not particularly clever to ring you up from an unknown, and not searchable, number, and then start trying to talk to you about your banking details… are you trying to extract personal data to defraud me?
Yeah, I had one of those while I was at work, and as I’m naturally suspicious of those sort of calls, and cut it off. After a few minutes thought, and having my account manager’s personal mobile number, I called her and left a message. A couple of minutes later, she calls me back, and says she’s just checked my account, there’s been some suspicious activity and to call them back immediately!
Saved me from being at least £1000 out of pocket!
Can I rant about all the dimwits who say “For free”?
for sure