Maybe I need to buy and Audi and go singlespeed?
Wow there tonto. Life's not gone that wrong has it?
toppers ^^^
+1
I guess not!
Thanks again for the replies today, it has definitely helped.
Take a bit of time to build a buffer between one chapter of your life and the next. For now, embrace everything in your life that didn't involve the ex.
I went through a tough time 20 years ago and finally got out of it by telling myself to take a break from looking for a relationship and giving it a bit of time for one to find me.
Companionship is what I will miss the most, it sums up that bond you have with the person. Even though I want that, I wont/can't go looking for another relationship.
get a dog. its the future!
Her parents had a boxer dog, I'll miss those big slabbers!
😯
That didn't sound like it should have....
Hey, you're 31! Loads of time to meet someone great. I spent nearly ten years with the wrong chap (loads of reasons and mostly my head not letting me leave someone who treated me badly) and didn't get out 'till my late 30s. Have a great bloke now who got me into mountain biking too 🙂
st colin, go for a ride with sv
tonight: don't put it off
consider it your 1st step of your rehabilitation
even if sv turns out to be a git (which seems remarkably unlikely as he's made a generous offer), you'll have made a positive decision and won't be sitting at home moping
(... but if he starts talking about your pretty eyes, don't eat any of his "sweets" 😀 )
This is my story on the matter, take from it what you will.
My ex dumped me after almost 10 years when I was about your age. I was so devastated I couldn't function enough to work, so I resigned after 2 months. I then languished alone most nights in a bedroom in the houseshare I'd moved into before I decided to go backpacking to Australia and New Zealand for a year because I couldn't bare to stay in London with her around and dating others. We stayed friends, we even started shagging again till I left, but I held out hope for about 2 years even though she returned back to Argentina while I was travelling.
Backpacking alone pushed me to socialise to avoid being alone and so I made loads of friends along the way, had great times and experiences, a few flings, experienced some bigger crushes. There were lonely times travelling too, and I remember still feeling desperate and suicidal at times back in London, such as wanting to turn my work scooter onto oncoming traffic.
I quit various jobs and felt like I'd failed to establish a career despite my supposed potential and education. I read loads of self help and spiritual books, which helped me mentally, but frankly, what helped the most was lots of casual internet dating (back when people were embarrassed to admit it) which helped me feel much better about myself. Eventually I met the woman who became my wife, partly on the strength of having Australia in common.
Now I live in Australia and have a family, home, and career. My ex and I still email occasionally, she has a family too now, but I'm totally over her. While breaking contact probably would have been quicker, it's good we're still friends after sharing so much together. I reckon I've done alright, it just takes time. Some people suggest half as much time as you spent together.
I need to stop thinking that it is just a break from us that she wants and that it will work out in the end
That's it in a nutshell. It will happen naturally, and sooner if you take the good advice given here.
About self-esteem: it's hard not to take rejection personally and that resentment is the main cause of your hurt. It's not you, it's not her; it's the situation. This too will pass.
The main thing is not to worry about worrying; What has happened cannot unhappen or be undone. There is only the future. A vast, unwritten future of possibilities and adventures if you open yourself to it.
Some great advice here, I know what you're going thorough and I'm sorry to hear whats happened but you will be fine.
The quickest way for you to regain control over your life is a clean break. Don't worry about being alone there is alway someone to talk to somewhere. You just need to get yourself out and about.
A lot of the emotions you're feeling is just your depression screwing with you, it's so hard to make a positive influence on your life while depressed so little steps but you must do things.
So get out on your bike tonight, its not hard to change tyres so get the rubber off your Meta (great bike by the way) and get it on the rigid. Have a nice cuppa and out for a ride. You'll feel loads better and thats good enough for today 😀
Someone significantly cleverer than me once said if you can change a situation then there's no point worrying about it. If you can't change a situation then worrying about it won't change that. This has served me well.
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Not wishing to repeat to much but there is a lot of sense here. Ten years ago I got together with Mrs W and it has been wonderful. She tells me that the thing that was attractive was that I was comfortable with myself. (and I had been in some dark places)
I sorted myself out by doing much of what has been suggested but had realised that it was very easy to drift (even when doing nice things) The key to me stabilising was to create a structure.
Everyday/week putting some set points in. Work/physical/domestic/social. It meant that if I hadn't ridden in the week I had to go out no matter what the weather on a Sunday even if I'd been on the booze/pull the night before. The structure stopped me from indulging myself and continuing to spiral down. It helped to focus forward. Doesn't matter if the proportions get moved a bit. But achieve a bit of what you said you would.
Good luck doesn't come till you've made the effort to deserve it.
Makes sense wingnuts.
I have so much I can be getting on with, riding my bike, photography, seeing friends. Might even spark up the Xbox again, it's not seen any action in a long time!
I'd make sure I was only doing that with mates. Say to them lets do it on whatever day rather than just sitting down and consuming 12hours! The contact with others is important even if you don't talk to them much.
St Colin, first. Don't blame yourself relationships fail for all sorts of reasons, and happen to happy beautiful gorgeous looking people, and it happens to the rest if us as well 😆
When I split up, we did the whole casual thing for a bit and its rubbish, trust me, it was just icky.
So, dumped properly no going back, did some rubbish dates, got drunk, laughed ( even if I didn't feel like it) then got off my bum, painted my room, did loads of cycling with my dad, got a job. Very very content
Saw Ex over Xmas with her new partner... Not bothered, happy for them both, no one was more surprised than me!!
Absolutely, fill your time with things, there are so many cool things to do.
In a perverse way what has happened could be the thing you needed. Treat this as a massive learning curve. Learn about yourself, what you need, and learn to be comfotable with yourself. You can't go through something like this without it changing you. It is a long hard road but worth every bit of the effort.
It changed me for the better, I think I appreciate life much more now and I have certainly lived more since. I had lots of fun and adventures, met a great girl and really enjoy myself but never take anything for granted. I'm still learning about life, myself and others and won't ever stop.
St Colin - get those tyres changed pronto big man! No excuses - you wont regret it!
Unfortunately If I'd had notice I would have made it tonight. I will definitely keep in touch and get down for a ride soon.
Twenty years this year since the first love of my life dumped me - for my then boss, as it turned out. Thank goodness she did.
Just celebrated 15 years of marriage to the REAL love of my life, whom I met a couple of years later. They were somewhat self destructive and unhappy years but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that.
I'm now happier than I ever was before and life is great - really hope it turns out this way for you. I've had all the negative self image stuff, too, so I understand where you're at, but believe me, life can change when you least expect it.
Got married at 34, so a couple of years ahead of where you are now...
Good luck and try to stay positive!
Colin I'm just up the road near Antrim and normally ride Cavehill most weekends if you want to join us anytime. Or if you just want to let off steam feel free to email me. Addy in profile.
Went through a dark spell myself when an ex dumped me...for the 16yr old who was giving her guitar lessons.
Hit me hard. Even thought about you know what...
But, I'm still here. Grabbing a few mins whilst listening to two monkeys playing up in the bath. Life is good.
Things that got me through...
Exercise. I know it's tough to get out, but it's a good tonic.
Stay busy. Do stuff. Anything.
Be around people. I'd often grab a book & just sit in a cafe. Anything to avoid being alone.
Nowadays, I see people sitting alone & look on with envy....!!!
As for moving on, only when you're ready.
Women are attracted to someone who is happy with his lot.
Listen to Beck - Sea Change
+1,000,000.
Dunno why, but I gravitated to a wealth of depressing music when I went through a very painful divorce two years ago. It was counterintuitive but found it helped a lot. And I actually enjoyed finding new and more bleak music. And angry music. Angry music was brilliant. Turned up to 11.
Anyhoo… my point:
It *WILL* get better. I promise.
Sounds easy but deal with it and move on.
You are NOT the shmuck you think you are. Take some quality 'You' time. Treat yourself. Put yourself first for a while. Get out. Do stuff. Meet people. Keep active. Ride your bike, ride your bike, ride your bike.
Chin up, etc *jokey arm punch*
I should probably add that after 22 years in a relationship with the woman I had blindly convinced myself was the love of my life and that I couldn't possibly live without her, I now find myself with someone I wish I'd met 22 years ago instead. It's only now I see what I had been missing all those years.
Hindsight, eh?
*another jokey arm punch*
Thanks again for the further replies.
My solo bike ride was good last night, did clear my head for 90 minutes. Then went for a short walk with a friend. It's the alone time that is hardest.
Thinking about cutting ties on Facebook/Twitter too, as seeing posts (though neither of us are big posters/users) only makes me think of her.
Absolutely unfollow/block.unfriend etc.
I've been there, the temptation is always there to check in on someone and then you see flirty stuff on her wall from some other bloke and it's not a great feeling...
On Facebook you can just choose to hide all posts from someone, if you want to avoid her asking why she's been unfriended.
tis a good idea to stop the social media contact. rather than just do it tho, id probably drop a text first just to tell her why youre doing it and moving on. short, sweet and polite. then once sent, smile to yourself and get on with the rest of your life. theres lots of good things out there just waiting for you to experience.
My solo bike ride was good last night, did clear my head for 90 minutes
Thank goodness, I was fearing a "what tyre for break up thread?" 😀
Turns out, semi-slicks with about 50psi in them did the job just fine*
*Apart from a few sketchy moments on a trail center run
Life sometimes deals you a bad hand but you've just got to try and get over it, as hard as it might seem. Suffice it to say, you're not alone, I feel your pain - my wife decided we should separate just before Christmas but I still love her the same as the day 10 years ago we met or married 8 years ago. There's a lot to it but whole sorry saga's [url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/update-anotherfailedmarriagetrackworld ]here[/url], you may find some comfort in reading, you may not, that's up to you. I've had some very dark days over Christmas and New Year but my family and friends have really pulled it out of the bag for me. Do the same, speak to them, spend time in their company - just being around people helped me enormously.
Above all, remember, things WILL get better one way or the other.
Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself, find someone in a worse situation than you, (there are gazillions) and help them.
Change your life, go help others.
Those eyes of yours, use them to wink a bit more, learn to make folk laugh, cheer them up you'll find it has the same effect on you. 😉
The secret to keeping women happy (other than the obvious) is to make them laugh.
Well I got a text from her last night and we talked for a good bit. I told her how some things, as she did, and she will talk again to me tonight.
Hope you don't mind me contributing to this thread. It is a bad time of year to go through a breakup and my 2013 has been overshadowed by a breakup from my girlfriend of 7 years. Met her at university and she was my first long term girlfriend. We both work together and in April 2013 she left me for someone at work. I'm currently on a development programme at work and still don't know where my head is.
Obviously there were issues in our relationship and we both have regrets but it is what it is. We own a house together I'm currently living with my parents which isn't ideal, neither is working at the same place.
It has made me question everything and I've probably been massively depressed since, however due to the support of friends and family I'm getting by.
I don't want to hijack the thread but until you go through something like this, its probably not possible to understand. I spent the first month throwing up and lost about 2 stone.
It does get easier. I try to keep myself busy but its still a massive part of my life at the moment. It will get easier but it will probably take some time. Just talk to people who you can trust and will listen.
Thanks for the post, all welcome.
Strangely I have lost 8lb's since Christmas. And I'm 6 2" now weighing 12st 1lb. I thinking worrying and stress is a great way to loose weight 😉
It must be hard working in the same place and seeing her then?
Oh yeah it is not good, but I've been feeling sorry for myself for too long.
The hardest part is imagining your life without that person in it. I forgot what it was like to focus on things other than a relationship. But just keep posting and talking and whatever happens, it will eventually work its way out. Grieving just takes time and its probably still shock at the moment.
Hi all,
So it's pretty much been 2 weeks now. I'm still feeling very low although the initial shock has died off. Late on Friday night I got a message from her to say that her uncle had taken his own life. She just wanted to talk to me to help her. I really wish I could be there for her and her family and knowing that I'm not is making me feel worse.
I did manage to get out on my bike over the weekend, but even on the climbs I can't get her out of my head.
just because you're not with her doesn't mean you can't offer other members of her family support if you have a friendship with them that is outside of being her boyfriend?
In terms of you offering her support. I think it's difficult being at her 'beck and call' as soon as she's feeling low - it gives you hope that there's a relationship there and stops you moving on - because it'll always be on her terms.
Well I was very close to her parents. I sent her mother a text offering my condolences and I'll send a card of course.
It's just so bloody hard.
Nobody said it would be easy. As said above you need to be careful being at her beck and call. To be fair it's a rather difficult situation you're in. Just be mindful not to let your needs get overshadowed by hers. As shit a situation as it is, these are not a good set of circumstances to pin your hopes on. Sorry.
No, I wasn't pining hopes on it at all. I was just saying that she came to me to talk and about a really rubbish situation and in doing so makes me think about her even more. It's delaying the healing process.
I have my next CBT session on Thursday.
I get what you mean, was in a similar situation with my split. You want to be supportive for her and her family. Don't know how close you were with her parents etc but the good and human thing to do is to be there to support.
This is all well and good when you have the strength to do so. I'm with @toppers3933, you can only support others when you have the strength to do so. Sometimes you have to just look after yourself, this is not selfish, its self preservation. How can you be there for people when you're barely able to keep yourself going, it takes so much energy.
To me it's a little unfair of your ex to split with you and then rely on you for emotional support, its all part of the package IMO. This is another way that your ex is still in your life at a time that its very difficult for you.
My advice (though you didn't ask for it....) would be offer your condolances in whatever way you feel appropriate and step back and get on with fixing yourself.
Do not feel bad about looking after Number 1, do not beat yourself up you can't do more. It's not your fault you feel this way. Be patient and kind to yourself things will come together.
