• This topic has 158 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by TiRed.
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  • Unplanned Pregnancy
  • funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Bear with me on this one, it’s going to be a rant of sorts.

    Me and Mrs Funkmaster have been together 17 years. She’s 34 this time and I’m 40 in a few weeks. We have a 3 year old son. It took me a long time to come around to the idea of having a child. I was uncertain, in the main, due to two factors. My own upbringing and fear of becoming like my Father and the fact that I have suffered with bouts of serious depression since my teens. I know how hard it is to suffer with and live with somebody that suffers with depression.

    Funkmaster Jr’s start to life was pretty crazy. We almost lost him twice in the first three weeks. Long story short Mrs Funkmaster is still having counselling and CBT and I’m on anti-depressants. Jr has issues with food and sleep still. One of us still has to stay with him. I’m typing this with the little monkey asleep next to me.

    I made it clear that I don’t want any more kids. I suppose I’m quite selfish and still want some things for myself. Our meagre savings were wiped out when I had to take extended leave from work when Jr was born. We have a modest two bed house, 3k debt (plus mortgage) and I’m the sole earner at the moment. I earn £27k and have no real academic or other qualifications beyond GCSE’s. I’m of moderate intelligence and have confidence issues. Therefore I can’t see me earning much more than I do now.

    We had a broken condom incident a few weeks back. Morning after pill was taken. Fast forward to today and I get a phone call at work from a hysterical Mrs Funkmaster and rush home. We’re pregnant. We are definitely having the baby, no issues there. Any other options aren’t on the table. I didn’t want more children, but that’s by the by now.

    I think I’m in shock still. I’ll definitely love the new arrival and do all I can to support him or her. I’m worried sick about looking after my family though. Mrs F had some physical issues after our first and this will put her at higher risk with the second. Jr is only just beginning to settle with sleep. I’ve been going through the house tonight trying to see what I can sell.

    Mrs F is only just getting better emotionally speaking and is just getting her fitness back and weight down. I’ve gained two and a half stone. My only outlets used to be cycling and the gym. I can no longer afford the latter and the former will have to go.

    I know it’s First World problems and whinging so feel free to have a dig. I just needed to get it written down. Going to get the house valued, make sure Mrs F, Jr and Jr Mk 2 are okay and sell everything that’s not bolted down. Other than that I don’t know what to do. I feel a bit hopeless to be honest. I did not expect this when I got out of bed this morning. We were talking about Mrs F starting work next year and me looking for a different (probably lower paying job) once she was settled. I was hoping to start getting back out on the bike too. That’s life though I guess, unpredictable.

    If you’ve read all that, sorry!

    unfitgeezer
    Free Member

    Mazeltov !

    2’s even more fun !

    Enjoy

    allthepies
    Free Member

    Lots of people on here manage kids and biking, calm down 🙂

    geoffj
    Full Member

    It’s going to be fine. It might not feel that way at the moment, but it will be.

    ulysse
    Free Member

    We were in a worse financial position than you, two almost grown up girls, life almost back to pre kids freedom etc etc, when despite neutering, 3 years ago the latest bundle of fun burst upon the scene…
    Que sleepless nights, endless money worries, endless child care nightmare around work etcetera etcetera
    I’d never have it any other way!

    wwaswas
    Full Member

    Get the snip this time.

    Every child is as different in their early years as we are as adults compared with our siblings . I hope you both get an easier time of it with this child – sounds like you deserve it!

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Lots of people on here manage kids and biking, calm down

    😀 been out five times in three years so probably not going to miss it that much. Can I still hang around here though?

    geetee1972
    Free Member

    I know it’s First World problems

    It’s not even remotely that buddy and don’t apologise.

    I’m not sure what to tell you to be honest other than to say that you’ve obviously have a tough run and I can empathise with a lot of what you’ve been through.

    Do what you need to do and don’t worry about anyone else judging you.

    bikebouy
    Free Member

    Sounds like a moment of definition for your family.

    You will be in turmoil, but you already know what it’s like.

    Best enjoy it again.

    jkomo
    Full Member

    Try not to panic, no 2 is way easier than no 1.
    You’ll be okay, keep calm and take one day at a time.
    Don’t sell your bike.

    oldnpastit
    Full Member

    Anything less than three children is just a hobby family.

    Get over yourself already.

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Get the snip this time.

    That’s definitely on the cards.

    [/quote]Best enjoy it again.

    The first 18 month weren’t that enjoyable to be honest. More of a nightmare. It’s brilliant now though. This morning Jr was in our bedroom whilst I was getting ready for work.

    He kept asking for num nums (breakfast) then there was rustling, followed by silence. I look over the bed and he’s opened a drawer where Mrs F keeps some cards. I asked him what he was doing “num num cards” yep, he was eating a birthday card 🙂

    Anything less than three children is just a hobby family.

    That’s cheered me up

    daftvader
    Free Member

    My 2 p worth… I NEVER wanted kids, ever…. we have a nearly 9 year old. Then suddenly we had a second who is 2 this year. And they are the best thing to have happened… Both were unplanned. We can’t really afford either, but somehow we do. Keep a bike. Buy second hand where you can and don’t feel bad about it. Accept hand outs if they are offered. And don’t panic

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?

    tthew
    Full Member

    I like your determination and selflessness, chapeau funkmasterp.

    Practically, if you now aren’t going to be able to afford gym membership, couldn’t you use that time to go out on the bike? It might only be an hour or so at a time, but it has to be good for your health, (physical and mental) to do some excercise, and if you are in good shape, that’s also bound to be positive for the rest of the family.

    bainbrge
    Full Member

    Less of the ‘moderate intelligence’ rubbish – you can write in grammatically correct sentences, so you’re probably in the top 5%. Better than most of the graduates who work with me…

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Gave up gym membership three years ago, hence the steady gain of fat. Thanks for the humour and comments. That’s why I posted here

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    I can understand the shock, and the worry about money and health, but it will be ok. We managed two kids for a while on a similar combined income. No savings, no proper holidays, no treats, but we got through it.

    And I know about the shock of that kind of news. Snip sorted that problem!

    But try and grab little rides to help give you some “me” time. A couple of half hours a week will make you feel a whole lot better. Just make sure your wife gets her time as well

    Sundayjumper
    Full Member

    Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?

    I was 39 & 4½ months when our first one arrived. We now have another on the way, I’ll be just over 43 by then.

    First was OK, actually, but I’m dreading the next one.

    Sorry to go against the the extremely positive flow of the thread so far 😕

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?

    A colleague of mine had two kids in his late 50s when he started a second marriage. Kids from his first marriage both in their 20s.

    He’s just retired at 66 to be a house husband. The boys are now 8 and 10!

    And stop being so hard on yourself. You are clearly an intelligent, caring and hardworking husband and father.

    orangespyderman
    Full Member

    Mrs Spyderman and I had an awful lot of very emotionally difficult issues in having children. We were then lucky enough, with a lot of medical assistance, to have our second first child. We moved to a house more appropriate, and loved him to bits and settled in (as much as you do with all that happening around you 🙂 ). We didn’t worry about anything else, it’d been so complicated. Fast forward about 14 months and we discover that my aim has improved or something 😆 19 months later I start to turn the office back into a bedroom and some 20 months later my old office has a smaller, better looking, and louder version of me and his big brother in it. It’s real difficult – we both work and they’re very young (now 3 and a bit and 18 months or so) but the eldest really does start to help and we’re now at the age where we actually start to believe that they’ll start to play together (ok, when I say play it looks mostly like wrestling right now 🙂 ). It’s been tough, but it’s been so much fun (now – I’m with you on the first 18 months being rough 🙂 ) with the first that in fact, we’re stoked about having all the fun bits a second time. And you know what, you discover resources you never thought you had, and that gets you through the first 18 months 🙂 . It’s like the first time around, but with a whole bunch more experience you didn’t have the first go,and more to look forward too (I remember at points wondering how many years it’d take – it doesn’t, it takes months 🙂 ) Good luck.

    kimbers
    Full Member

    yeah your personal situation sounds stressful

    I think it may well be worth sitting down and discussing with your wife and possibly a councillor about how tough pregnancy, delivery and those first few months will be

    On the plus side, 2nd time round, you are better at it, stricter with routine and more disciplined, means sleep, feeding etc will be easier

    Moneywise, chill, those first few years are cheapish

    what I also want to say

    Thats me being nice, f-you ya big ninny!!
    I dont earn much more and living in london it was tough luckily had built up savings and we sold our 2 bed for a bigger house further out so that side we are lucky but

    my wife lost her job , we already had 2 kids, we got pregnant with a third that turned out to be twins!!

    So weve now got 4

    Im writing this with eyes so tired I can barely focus as last night my wife had a flip out due to exhuastion but instigated over me not fixing the fence yet after storm dorris took it out, this was at 1 am

    the babies woke at 3 then 5 then the 4 & 6 year olds were up at 6-30

    work is very busy and, I had to stand on the train in and out of london

    but you know what, kids are great- I love coming home to 4 smiling faces all wanting to be paid attention to, we’ll make it work

    oh and importantly
    buy some lights off ebay and do a night ride once a week, once the kids are in bed, even when its freezing and wet even if its just an hour, make sure your wife gets some time for herself too
    and ensure that a grandparent/babysitter gives you and the wife a night out once in a while.

    sockpuppet
    Full Member

    Our second is 18 months, and I’m only just starting back out on the bike.

    Congrats on the family news, but don’t think it’s over!

    Up to now I’ve been running: I’d recommend it. Pedalling is good for my mental health, but there was no time for it with my job, wife’s job and the two kids. Running on the other hand (especially to start with, with short distances) takes minutes, with no faff.

    Very low expense too, and I found it helped me lose weight more than any amount of riding and still gave me the endorphins I needed! Good all body workout too if you push it.

    Went from bimbling for a mile and hating it to a 1hr40 half marathon in a year. Try it!

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    f-you ya big ninny!!

    😆

    turned out to be twins!!

    😯

    Sundayjumper
    Full Member

    Less of the ‘moderate intelligence’ rubbish – you can write in grammatically correct sentences

    Oooh, can I share something fairly irrelevant from somewhere else, purely because it’s bike-related and might make you feel better about how stupid other people are ? Someone sold some Biopace cranks…

    Wanna see the <heh> “well crafted” and “damaging” comment they left ?

    So you think you’re “moderate” intelligence ? When there’s weapons like this around, think again, you’re a lot better 😀

    cloudnine
    Free Member

    Dont panic.. its only a child… Youve got one already.. you know whats going to happen if you keep it.
    As you already have one id say the decision would be crazy hard to terminate.
    Sure.. It will get hard before it gets easier. There will be lots of tiredness, pain, frustration, etc but fortunately there will be these intermittent tiny rays of pure joy / love / tired deliriousness that makes it all worth it… Just. (I have 3 girls.. 4,6,8)

    ctk
    Full Member

    You managed a shag so it cant be that bad?

    Exercise with a 3 yr old = bike seat/ trailer

    Exercise with a baby = pram and epic walks

    Nice for kids to have a sibling I reckon, for now and when they are older.

    Congrats 🙂

    jekkyl
    Full Member

    lol@sunday.
    Op. congratulations on the news. Life can be tough sometimes, the health concerns over your wife with pregnancy are worrying, it will be a great physical strain on her body. She should be your number one priority. The money will sort itself out, don’t worry. Do you have family support?
    DO NOT get rid of all your bikes! turn one into single speed at the very least so there is no maintenance. Cycling, even occasionally will become more & more important to you. Time alone, without any noise, in the countryside without any responsibilities even if for a short time will keep you sane.

    ads678
    Full Member

    Our second was much easier than the first.
    Embrace it, it might just sort you all out.
    Sack the gym off, but keep one bike at least, your first one will be starting to ride soon.
    Chin up, it’ll all work out.

    amatuer
    Full Member

    2nd is always cheaper and as said b4, you know what you’re doing this time.
    As the old saying goes – you never get two the same. My own experience, wife had PND which was difficult, but baby was great. 2nd time, wife was great but two years on we still don’t get a full night sleep. And I was in my 40’s when no.2 came around. It’s a bugger on the knees playing with small kids at my age, but hope you find a way to cope with all the pressure. It will eventually pass.

    cheers_drive
    Full Member

    Threads like this bring on the silent majority of STW. The descent ones, not the opinionated judgemental trolls.
    I was 39 3/4 when my daughter was born, to be honest the age itself isn’t a big thing as it’s often a state of mind. A greater thing is that friends had kids much earlier and whilst I adjusted to fit round their family needs its much harder to adjust when you have children if over 5 years different in age.

    wrecker
    Free Member

    1) Congratulations!
    2) You’ll both adore Jnr mk2
    3) Stay positive! You are not a bystander in your mental health. The more you fret, the worse it’ll be.
    4) Ends meet. Do your maths, budget.
    5) you can still exercise. Get a couple of kettlebells, some paralettes and a chin up bar. You can get super strong with only those pieces of equipment. Despite fashionable advice, you don’t need deadlifts.
    6) Research free things to do. Outdoors stuff is outdoors, it’s good for you (all of you) if you’re MTBing or not.
    7) Buy a tent. Holidays are important, you don’t need £k’s worth of foreign hols to have fun.

    Considering your partner’s issues, you need to be the rock. She’s carrying, you’re not. It might be hard but that’s the deal bro.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Threads like this bring on the silent majority of STW. The descent ones, not the opinionated judgemental trolls.

    Allow me to spoil that. I don’t mean to be a dick but, Aspie, sorry,

    17 years together, you don’t want more kids and a) you’re still using condoms and b) you’ve somehow managed to split one? How does that even happen? You can blow them up and put them on your head.

    And then,

    Morning after pill was taken… We are definitely having the baby… Any other options aren’t on the table.

    Are you sure you -both- don’t want more children, or is that just you?

    Why aren’t other options on the table? I hate to be callous but an obvious solution presents itself when the alternative is an unwanted child.

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    I’ve got some suspension trainers. Think it’s time to fix them up outside. Mrs F is definitely priority one. Making sure she gets rest, nutrition and exercise. Jr will love it, he’s already smitten with babies. Can’t wait to try and explain it to him.

    Thanks for all the replies. It’s reassuring to know other people are in or have been in the same boat. It’s going to take a few days to sink in I reckon.

    No problem Cougar. Don’t know how it split, but it definitely did. Mrs F was scared to death today, hence why I came home from work. She’s worried, but definitely wants to keep it. It takes two to tango so I’m definitely with her. I’ll come around.

    Might be misreading your response, but she most definitely did not do this on purpose. Not a malicious or conniving bone in her body. I’m just a grumpy, selfish sod. I’ll melt as soon as she starts showing, more so when the baby arrives.

    Cletus
    Free Member

    Lots of positives if you care to look for them. Your son will (eventually) like having a sibling and you both should be more relaxed second time around.

    Re. not being able to afford the gym there are lots of great videos on youtube where you can do quick workouts with minimal equipment. I do kettlebell workouts (Bodyfit by Amy :oops:) which last less than half an hour but seem to do me good.

    But definitely get the snip now 😀

    cinnamon_girl
    Full Member

    Bit confused by your last post. Your first post must have been so painful for you to write, it sounds as though it was horrendous for both of you and it’s still tough with a little one who’s not settled.

    Yet you’re not 100% sure about this pregnancy but your wife has made up her own mind. Does she realise how you feel? You really need to talk this through and be totally honest.

    prawny
    Full Member

    2 is better than one anyway, my mates with one kid are always having to find stuff for the kid to do, where as we can just leave ours with scissors and matches and they make their own entertainment.

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    Congratulations. I commend you for just knowing immediately you’ll stick with it. From everything I have read you are great parents. Yes its hard and stressful but the good times will make up for it.

    Also given you’ve ridden 3 times and have a tight budget its brilliant to see you are a subscriber. There are a here who should take note.

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Yet you’re not 100% sure about this pregnancy but your wife has made up her own mind. Does she realise how you feel? You really need to talk this through and be totally honest.

    Spent most of today talking it through. She knows how I feel, hence why she was so upset. She’s spent most of the day very emotional, worried about how I feel. My only concern now is for her. The more I calm down, the more I’m coming around to actually liking the idea. I’d never ask her to abort. It’s not even really crossed my mind to be honest. Just thought our lives were set, so to speak. Out of all the things I thought might happen today, this was not one of them.

    SaxonRider
    Full Member

    Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?

    Umm, yes. I had one 39 when one of mine was born, and 42 when the next came along, for a total of 8.

    A humungous family was more Mrs SR’s desire than mine, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

    Just try to embrace it now that it is a reality for you, and don’t worry about things ahead of time. Sufficient unto the day are the evils thereof.

    And besides, you’ve got the STW gang rooting for you.

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 159 total)

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