Passive-Aggressive Christmas Gift Guide for Cyclists

Cyclists are difficult to buy for, even if you want to please them. Socks are never quite the right socks. They’ve already read Cav’s autobiography. So what do you do if you need to convey your lingering resentment for your partner’s hobby, while retaining the ability to look them in the eye and say, ‘But I thought you’d like it!’? Read on for our guide to buying the perfect gift that you really didn’t mean anything by, honest.
Plastic Hall Runner
Because those oil marks aren’t coming out, and whose idea was it to have a beige carpet, anyway?
Newspaper Logmaker
Magazines can go in them too, you know. Even those ones with Sven Nys on the front.
Motivational Eddy Merckx Mug
To remind you that you’re good, but, you know. Not that good.
Outside Tap
Why bring your bike inside to wash it in the bath, when you can do it in the garden in the comfort of the icy wind?
Tote Bag With a Cute Cartoon of a Sit-Up-and-Beg on It
What do you mean, the chainset’s on the wrong side? Who’s going to notice that?
Make-Your-Own Energy Bars Cookbook
Much cheaper than those shop-bought things with all the additives. These tuna-and-beetroot ones sound amazing.
Beautiful, Faintingly Expensive Jersey
A size too small. No, they’re all sold out in large. I’m sure you can ride yourself into it.
Training Diary
Look, it has columns for distance, altitude, speed and heart rate. You can even record your weight in it!
Entry to a Cycling Event
It’s only 1000k. You’ll be fit enough by July! It’s something to train for! You’ll be able to fit into that jersey!
Foam Roller
It’s *supposed* to hurt.
Shoe Drier
‘I love you. But you stink.’