You can’t beat a good Dad joke…

Constipation isn’t my most favourite health condition. But it’s a solid number two.

Don’t fart in an Apple Store!
Why?
They don’t have Windows.

I stayed up all night trying to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

*disclaimer: not mine – Geraint Thomas tweeted it the other day

Me “I’m hungry but want something simple”

Waiter “maybe the chicken strips for £5?”

Me “maybe it does, but how does that help my hunger?”

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

If 3 people having sex is a threesome, and two people having sex is a twosome, is there a reason people keep calling me handsome?

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

…..Attire!

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

This one has kept me giggling since last night.

Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂

Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂

I’m having that as my epitaph.

A vicar, imam and a rabbit went to the blood bank together. When asked if they know their blood types, the rabbit replied, “I’m not sure. I’m probably a type-O.”

(probably best as a written joke.)

An American friend was in hospital recently, she was told that her insurance didn’t cover modern anaesthetic.

She was offered more traditional methods or to be hit round the back of the head with a paddle.

She asked if she could have both, and was told “no, it’s an ether/oar situation.”

I told my girlfriend she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high. She seemed surprised.

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!

I was watching Australian Masterchef last night, some guy made a meringue and everyone cheered.

That’s odd, I thought, normally in Australia they boo meringue.

Last night I asked my wife for some keyring sex. She fobbed me off ?

Why did the baker have brown hands?

……. He kneaded a poo.

Last night I asked my wife for some keyring sex. She fobbed me off ?

That’s a Gary Delaney gag. I’d recommend him if you like that sort of thing. (The jokes, not… )

I used to race snails without much success.  One day I had the idea that if I removed their shell it would lighten the load and I may win a few races.   However when I tried it the first time there was no noticeable difference.  In fact, if anything it made them more sluggish.

… and that’s one of mine. 😀

What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue?”

I think I probably heard it on hear about 10 years ago ?

Went and saw an Elbow tribute band last night

They were called Arse

I honestly couldn’t tell the difference

We’ve sold so many lions today it’s unbelievable.

We’ve been doing a roaring trade!

How do you make a bull sweat?

Give it a tight jersey.

I never realised Isla st clair was married to Barry white but divorced him and married Bryan ferry.

She is now known as Isla White ferry!

Why should you not buy your pants from Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

“What do you call a man having a nap by the back door?

Mat. “

What do you call a man who doesn’t shine?

Matt