You can’t beat a good Dad joke…

Bring it…

You should be ashamed of yourself. 😁

The waiter asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers, but I told him I’m not into fighting.

Both of those are going in my Dadabase, it’s where I keep them.

Storm Jocelyn blew away 25% of my roof this week. oof.

Went to a posh restaurant the other night and the waitress asked me “how did you find your steak, sir?”
I replied “I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was!”.

Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?

They don’t like each other.

that waitress gave me a lovely semillon

What do you call an Italian with flexible toes?

Roberto….

playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.
I’ve got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me.
O V N R.

Can anyone remind me why you shouldn’t give Queen Elsa a balloon?

You can’t beat a good Dad joke…

Of course you can.

Your mum’s so fat when she fell down the stairs everyone thought it was the end of Eastenders.

See, your mum jokes > dad jokes.

How do you know there is an elephant in the fridge?

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

As my son said the other day “Not all Dad jokes are bad jokes.”

Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now! 

I got fired from the bank.
The woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor’s with torn trousers.
“Euripides?” asks the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

Your mum’s so fat I rolled over and was still on top.

I asked my wife to rate my hearing.

She said I was and 8 on a scale of 10

Why did she want me to urinate on a skeleton?

When a bloke screws around with different girls every night and has 3-somes and wild gang bangs with anyone he meets he is a stud.
When a woman does that, what do they call her?
Your Mum.

I sold my hoover as it was just gathering dust.

How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front & 2 in the back. 

how do you know if there’s a herd of Elephants in a church? There’s 2 minis parked outside. 

To the person who stole my anti-depressants……I hope you’re happy now.

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office……I’ll make you pay, you have my word.

How can you tell if there is an elephant in the frdge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
Sounds of giggling?
How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?
You can’t shut the door.
How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in the fridge?
There is an empty mini parked outside

I sold my hoover as it was just gathering dust.

Similarly I’m going to sell my theremin. Haven’t touched it in years.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

Did you hear about the man who evaporated?

He’ll be mist.

What’s the most common owl in the world?

The teet owl

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? 

Dunnngggg

(Monty Python Iirc) 

I suspect a lot of crossover with the crap joke thread here. 🙂

What did the green grape say to the purple grape

BREATH! You idiot, BREATHE!!!

Did you hear about the atheist insomniac dyslexic?

Lies awake all night wondering if there is a dog….

What type of bees produce milk?

Boo bees

How do you get a giraffe in a fridge?

. 

. 

. 

You can’t, it’s still full of elephants. 

Two fish in a tank.
One says “have you got a licence to drive this thing?”
.
.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
.
.
What do you call a children’s author who can juggle, play snooker and down a pint at the same time?
Beartrix Potter
..
.
What do you call a deer with no legs, on fire, is deaf, in a southern European country, no eyes, and laid next to a motorway?
Still flaming deaf in Italy no idea by the way.

Is “a good Dad joke” an oxymoron?

How do elephants hide in cherry trees?

Paint their balls red and climb high.

What do you have to be careful of when walking in the woods?

Falling elephants.

.

What’s yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

.

Emergency exit signs. I hear they’re on the way out.

.

What cheese hides a horse?

Marscapone.

.

What cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

.

Hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

All that’s left is debris.

.

What cheese tempts bears?

Camembert.

.

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.

Man walks into a pub. Asks “have you any helicopter flavoured crisps?”.  

Barman says “sorry, I only have plain”

☝️ ☝️ ☝️what’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries…