What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue?”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

and the full brown and sticky sequence..

What’s brown and sticky? A stick
What’s brown and sticky and speaks with a funny accent? A french stick
What’s brown and sticky and runs round the garden? A fence
What’s brown and sticky and looks through your bedroom window? Poo on stilts

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What’s the difference between a cornflake and a chick pea?

No-one ever paid to have a cornflake on their face.

Apparently, the guy who invented the umbrella wanted to name it a ‘brella’ but paused.

I went to a new barbers the other day and asked the barber to give me a haircut just like George Clooney.

After he finished, disappointed, I said to him, “George Clooney doesn’t have his hair cut anything like this…”

“He would if he came here”

Stallone: Guys, I’m making a movie about composers. I’ll play Beethoven.
Van Damme: and I’ll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

I went to the docs because I have trouble pronouncing my “th”s and “f”s.

He said “you can’t say fairer than that”

Piece of rope walks into a bar.
Bar shouts We don’t serve rope! Are you rope?
He replies: No, I am a frayed knot

#Endofthread

What has a bottom on the top?

A leg.

Hate Russian dolls, so full of themselves.

Hate Lollypop ladies, they really make me cross.

Came here to post those, haven’t read the whole thread so apologies for repeats…

I had a wee in the deep end of the pool the other day. When the lifeguard blew his whistle I nearly fell in.
(Stolen from Jason manford radio show)

I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay

Another stick joke –
What’s brown and sticky and plays the trumpet?

Gluey Armstrong

*shouts after Ambulance with Blues and twos blaring*

‘YOU’LL NEVER SELL ANY ICECREAM AT THAT SPEED!!!’

I like that one Tom.
.
See also: go to cash machine, get money out, clap hands excitedly and shout “I won! I won!”

How do you get 100 Picachu on a bus?

Poke-em-on.

See also: go to cash machine, get money out, clap hands excitedly and shout “I won! I won!”

Or change machines. Pound coin in, five 20p’s out.

YESSSS!!!!

What’s the best type of cheese to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone.

I’ve recently become addicted to drinking Brake fluid…

…it’s ok though, I can stop anytime.

I am addicted to Christmas leftovers. No idea how to stop that. I’ve tried cold turkey

Daddy, can you put my shoes on?
No, they won’t fit!

*shouts after Ambulance with Blues and twos blaring*

‘YOU’LL NEVER SELL ANY ICECREAM AT THAT SPEED!!!’

Credit there, Eric Morecambe.

I used to be addicted to doing the hokey cokey
But I’ve turned myself around

And that’s what it’s all about

I thought I was over my phobia of German sausage, but I think it’s coming back. I fear the wurst.

What cheese do you use to tempt a bear down from a tree?

Camembert

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?
Poke ‘er face.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A Walk…

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?

A Raisin.

Well done eddiebaby!

Why don’t leaves fall off trees?

Because they’re sticky.

Bloke walks into a psychatrist’s office wearing nothing but a pair of clingfilm underpants…..

“well” says the psychatrist “I can clearly see your nuts”

Under the clingfilm was a steering wheel

“Can you helpe me please doc” said the man. “This is driving me nuts”

What cheese is made backwards…

Edam!

@anono

Winner 🙂 with a modern update 🙂

Like!

Maybe not a joke but this made me laugh. And you have to be of a certain age to get it.

Stallone: I’m making a movie
about composers. I’m playing
Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys,
I’m not saying it.