Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 117 total)
  • What’s your favourite dad joke?
  • joshvegas
    Free Member

    I was on a call the other day, we were waiting for someone to join when one of the participants asked if this person ‘is around’, I replied ‘no, he’s kind of people shaped’, which got far more groans and comments of ‘dad joke’ than I expected.

    Two oranges in a bar orange 1 says to the other “your round”
    “so are you, you fat ****”

    jimmy
    Full Member

    Was riding past Selfridges yesterday, apparently they don’t.

    This is timely as my daughter’s teacher next year is Mrs Selfridge and yes the jokes have started.


    @fasthaggis
    tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I’ve forgotten most the joke now.

    idiotdogbrain
    Free Member

    What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

    Nacho cheese

    Have you ever noticed that around Halloween , all of the tabloids run stories about vampires, but you never see any in The Mirror..?

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middling Edition

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middlin...
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    qwerty
    Free Member

    What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

    Halloumi

    Haze
    Full Member

    Two monkeys running a bath, the first one dips his toe in and says “ooh ooh ah ah”

    Second monkey says “put some more cold in then”

    zippykona
    Full Member

    Why don’t owls date in the rain?
    It’s too wet to woo.

    onewheelgood
    Full Member

    Why are native american chiefs buried on the top of hills?

    Because they’re dead.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    (childishly probably my favourite joke full stop)

    My Beyoncé poster?

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Heard about the award winning farmer? He was outstanding in his field.

    Little known fact, Marvin Gaye owned a flock of sheep. He used to herd it through the grapevine.

    All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. Officers says they have nothing to go on

    welshfarmer
    Full Member

    What’s brown, steams, and comes out of cows backwards?
    The Isle of White car ferry

    How do you spell Hungry Horse using only 4 letters?
    MTGG

    jodafett
    Full Member

    A Grouse walks into a pub and the barman says “There’s a whisky named after you” and the grouse replies “What? Eric?”

    jodafett
    Full Member

    Two fish swimming round a tank

    “Oi, see that castle?”
    “What castle?”
    “That castle”

    “Oi, see that castle?”
    “What castle?”
    “That castle”

    “Oi, see that castle?”
    “What castle?”
    “That castle”…………………………………………………………….

    crazyjenkins01
    Full Member

    What do you call a sheep with no legs?

    A cloud

    Before/after the “whats brown and sticky?” Honestly, my kids love my jokes 🤣

    What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?

    Whatever you want, they can’t hear you!

    andrewh
    Free Member

    I had a tarka massala for dinner.
    It’s like a tikka massala, but a little ‘otter.
    .
    I then had an albino fruit salad for desert. It had no melon in.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?

    Whatever you want, they can’t hear you!

    What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

    Dythinkysaurus.

    MrOvershoot
    Full Member

    In the butchers I asked for “a pound of sausages”,

    He said “its kilos these days”,

    I said “can I have a pound of kilo’s then”

    vazaha
    Full Member

    Two snowmen in a field – one asks can you smell carrots?

    Two goldfish in a tank – one says, how the **** do you drive this thing?

    joshvegas
    Free Member

    What is the bare minimum?

    One bear.

    reeksy
    Full Member

    Why did the orange stop halfway up a hill?
    Because it ran out of juice.

    fazzini
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    Parcel tape.

    What’s red and not there?
    No tomatoes.

    andeh
    Full Member

    Made an offer to the old lady next door: £5 to have a go on her stairlift.
    Hoping she’ll take me up on it.

    willard
    Full Member

    What do you get if you breed an angry sheep with an upset cow?

    An animal that is in a baaaaaaad mooooooood.

    timba
    Free Member

    It’s like a tikka massala, but a little ‘otter.

    Try the tikka pelican, tasty but a massive bill

    BillMC
    Full Member

    Man goes into the butchers, ‘pound of kiddlies please’
    ‘You mean kidneys, sir?’
    ‘I said that diddle-I?’

    sofaboy73
    Free Member

    Two fish in a tank.
    One turns to the other and says…
    “Any idea how to drive this thing?”

    sas78
    Full Member

    What’s E.T. short for?

    Cos he’s only got wee legs…

    ben
    Free Member

    What don’t you ever see elehpants hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it.

    How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their balls red.

    What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries…..

    yetidave
    Free Member

    two nuns in a bath, one says “where’s the soap”, the other responds, “yes it does”.

    susepic
    Full Member

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back – a stick

    How do you get 4 elephants in a mini – 2 in the front, 2 in the back
    How do you get 2 whales in a mini – over the Severn bridge

    duncancallum
    Full Member

    2 nuns in a bath

    Nun 1 says where’s to soap

    Nun 2 replys I’d does rather doesn’t it….

    2 birds on a Perch one says to the other can you smell fish?

    duncancallum
    Full Member

    Beaten by yeti dave!

    tenfoot
    Full Member

    I had a racing snail, and I removed it’s shell to see if it would go faster.

    It just made it more sluggish.

    timba
    Free Member

    Two parrots on a perch. One asks the other, “Can you smell fish?”

    BillMC
    Full Member

    What did the snail say when it slithered onto the back of a tortoise?
    ‘Weeeeeee’

    susepic
    Full Member

    Photon checks in at Heathrow

    “No bags sir?”

    “No, I’m travelling light”

    nbt
    Full Member

    @fasthaggis tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I’ve forgotten most the joke now.

    Edit, wow that’s certainly of it’s time isn’t it. It’s also a little more involved than the original joke I recall…

    a11y
    Full Member

    Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.

    svensvenson
    Full Member

    what did the zero say to the eight?
    “nice belt”

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    The wide mouthed frog joke is rubbish, but the way it’s told is genius, true shaggy dog story skill.  I love those jokes that create nothing but a groan.

    The best I remember was Harry Hill. For the whole of his stand up act, with all its tomfoolery and visual jokes, he kept going back to describing his weekend away with (IIRC a pig) in London, seeing the sights, taking in a show…. adding a little bit further detail each time. Best part of two hours including the interval, and right at the end “the pig turns to me and says ‘is it really just about a coat?’ ”

    Pierre
    Full Member

    Probably my favourite joke over all:

    What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Anyone can roast beef.

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