So another STW failed marriage on the cards

So looks like another STWer is going to have a failed marriage 🙁 Bear with me if you can, I need to get this off my chest to somebody and I am drowning right now.

Met my wife 8 years ago, fell in love, got married 5 years ago and have a 3 year old. I love my wife and my daughter to bits and she is my best mate. We get on well etc and don’t really argue about anything – there are no money worries and we are both settled and happy (well happy enough!) in our careers.

Something changed about six months ago and I felt she was freezing me out – subtle changes like never being the first to initiate anything physical or say “I love you”, never the one to text a goodnight message if one of us was away. She started spending a lot more time at the gym and seemed really happy to be rid of me if I wanted to go out for a beer with friends.

So anyway this all came to a head on Saturday night, we were due to go out with friends for dinner but they cancelled, and then my wife suggested going to the cinema instead – and then changed this to just getting a takeaway. As I left to pick up the food I asked her if she was ok and it all came out – she thinks I am an excellent husband and father but is not in love with me, doesn’t feel that she can be intimate with me any more, but still loves and respects me dearly as a friend. She feels the lack of intimacy is insurmountable and means we have a big part of our marriage missing.

So that sucked – if she had admitted to an affair, or I had cheated, or one of us was a gambler or drinker or violent, or just an A-hole, then fine, something to work with, something that could be worked on, but you can’t force someone to be in love with you right?

I’ve asked her if there is anyone else and she resolutely denies it, and for what it’s worth I believe her. We talked last night and are going to give it until just after Christmas, if nothing has improved from her side then we will have to work out what we are going to do.

We have another house that she can live in only 5 minutes away, I will stay here, and we have agreed in principle that we can still share childcare in the same way we do now, and she respects the fact I still want to play a big part in my daughter’s life. This is of ultimate importance to me.

I hope we can still remain friends for our daughter’s sake but right now I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world – I thought I was happily married up until Saturday. I have no interest in meeting a new partner – i already have a partner I love and a life I enjoy, and feel angry and betrayed that she is doing this to our family – but again if you don’t love someone, nothing can change that, and I don’t want her to feel trapped in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in.

If you got this far thanks, feels good to get this stuff “out there” – any advice, even MTFU, gladly welcomed. Has anyone else been through this sort of thing and managed to come through it relatively unscathed?

Mods I have posted this under a pseudonym as I’m a bit embarassed – apologies.

What about trying Relate or similar? Gotta be worth a shot?

Its abit swift isn’t it. She comes out with it on Sat night and already worked out the details. She doesn’t want to work on it etc. Are you SURE there isn’t a third party. It doesn’t make sense- you’d go through trying to make it work for the sake of your daughter first. Even if it was a veneer.

Relate

It doesn’t work like that. By the time I came to have the “no – I don’t love you anymore” chat with my first wife I had already been through the various scenarios. At the time, I took her inability to see that things weren’t working out as proof that they really weren’t.

For the OP – it seems like you both have different interests. She has her gym, you have your biking. Would there be any merit in trying to share these a bit more?

Sorry to hear this seems very harsh. If you both want to give it a go until Xmas then I guess there’s hope. I think you need to find out what has changed to change her feelings and see if that is something you can both work on. I know you hurt at the moment but if you really want to give this a go then you’ve gotta get over that and try and keep the communication going or get it better than before.

Best of luck

Jay

My marriage failed around 10 years ago, from a relationship that lasted 7 years. Similar circumstances, no other parties involved, she just got cheesed off with me. We have a daughter who was 3 at the time and that broke my heart more than anything. They now live in Canada, I get to see my daughter once a year but keep in touch online. It is tough. I was in a horrible place for a couple of years after the split.
For what its worth, I am now in love with my current partner, she is the coolest thing ever, loves me spending on bikes, rides a Horst link 5 spot, drinks ale etc, we have a 6 month old boy who is amazing. She has given me confidence that I never thought I could have, I’m in the best job i’ve ever had and I’m now in a better place than I ever thought possible.
I hope things work out for the best for all three of you, reconciliation is always favourite. However, if things do go tits up, don’t despair, you never know where the future can lead. Your daughter will always be your daughter and that love can never die.

All the best

JW

hora – Member

Its abit swift isn’t it. She comes out with it on Sat night and already worked out the details. She doesn’t want to work on it etc. Are you SURE there isn’t a third party.

I suppose your next pearl of wisdom is strongly suggesting a check of parentage like on the last potentially failed marriage thread? 🙄

Hora, some people are like, that, I do details immediatley when bad things happen, as much as a form of distraction as anything else. And since they have the option of a convenient solution its worth knowing that stuff for peace of mind.

OP, my instinct from reading your post was that she sounded genuine, and it is what it is.(having read the other-guy threads recently there was a bit of a pattern and this, from what you say, doesn’t fit it) Worth looking into relate, if only to assist in the openness and stuff for you, they can give a little structure to discussions maybe.

Sounds horrible anyway. Maybe see if you can a get a mates weekend away to just ride, get some space, reflect etc. All the best.

You have my genuine sympathies. Talking and listening to each other, and being honest, is important. Also try Relate – even if the outcome ends up not being the one you envisage now. Try to ignore any comments that aren’t constructive. I wish you all the luck.

I suppose your next pearl of wisdom is strongly suggesting a check of parentage like on the last potentially failed marriage thread?

Why? on THAT thread the OP had said his wife WAS knocking about with a bloke from the office and he’d happened across the evidence. In relation to that thread, it was a relevant comment to make.

OP How often a week do you ride? I used to ride all weekend, most weekends and it started to grate with mrshora, she said nothing. Kept quiet and it came out in conversation that she felt neglected. Now its one ride and super-early.

know where near to the same extent as the op, but, a similar thing happened to me two years ago. I’d been with a girl five years, happy, never argued just as you two. Then, after a drunken argument, all my fault I’ll admit it I was a dick, she came out with she wasn’t happy and that she didn’t want to be together anymore. Like you the world fell out from underneath me. I was happy, I loved her and more to the point I loved our life.

This all came out on the Saturday night, but wasn’t definite. By Monday I pushed for an answer, she couldn’t give one. That was enough for me. She left that day saying she was staying at a mates for a few days. That night I went into our bedroom after having a shower and she’d left a partly packed bag, an over night bag if you like. I was having friends on at me saying “their must be someone else” etc so I looked in the bag. There was a flat let prospectus from two weeks previous, so she was well down the line by the time we’d had the drunken argument that Saturday night. So I guess my point is this, by the time she’d said something she was already well down the line both emotionally and practically.

I feel for you lad, I really do. But all the old cliche’s probably apply. It probably is for the best, it will get worse then it’ll get better.

I never really went on here when I was going through my break up, but I can see why some do. I’ll leave this post saying, use your friends, don’t hold things in. I have a top best mate who I couldn’t have been without during my break up, in fact i’e a couple of mates that really kept me on the straight and narrow and gave me crucial advice and support when I needed it most.

So it’s not infidelity (think positive), it’s just become a non-sexual relationship. Disappointing, but I don’t think it’s uncommon. Or necessarily a deal-breaker if trust, support and respect mean more than sex.

Otherwise, Relate.

yetanotherone – Member

Something changed about six months ago…

hora – Member

Its abit swift isn’t it

🙄

Agree with Relate / counselling to try and establish what is behind her decision even if it only helps you to understand and find some form of closure if it’s beyond recovery.

Sex? Whats that? 😥

no idea fella

As others have already said, Relate.

I cannot speak highly enough of relationship Scotland (our version of Relate) got Mrs Duck and I back together,and stronger, through what seemed like a completly dead relationship. Good luck,and from experience it gets a tiny,tiny,tiny bit less awful everyday.

Forget all that – Did you get the takeaway?!

Can someone delete the idiot post above.

I was married nearly 10 years when my ex dropped the “I love you but I’m not in love you” bombshell. We had been going through a rough patch for a few months but it still felt like the end of the world at the time. We had twins who were 4 1/2 at the time and who were concieved after our second try at IVF. We were trying to concieve for 4 years prior to them being born, which would test any relationship in itself, and the IVF process itself is really tough. By the time they were old enough to start looking after themselves a bit and we had some time to ourselves again my ex realised that she had fallen out of love with me and the spark had gone and it was insurmountable.

She assured me there was no one else involved and I had no reason not to believe her. We were honest with each other, talked it all through and gave it a few months but like you say, you can’t force somebody to love you. She agreed to go to Relate but she had already made her mind up. At the time I would have stayed with her for the sake of of the kids but I have since realised this would have been the worse thing to have done. Like some of the previous posts all of my mates (one in particular) were invaluable in helping me deal with it all. I think I saw more of them for the few months after we decided to seperate than I had in the previous few years.

Thankfully, we were able to keep it amicable throughout the whole seperation process and the kids who are now 7 1/2 don’t seem to have been affected at all, which was my main worry. The divorce was finalised last year and I now live with an amazing woman who I met through Match.com (the thought of dating again after all this time scared me to death!) three years ago. She has two kids of her own and we have my two every weekend. I now live 40 miles away from the kids and there have never been any issues with me seeing them whenever I want to, which was the most important thing.

Sorry, I’m rambling but to summarise I would say be totally honest with each other, try Relate (even if it is just to help you come to terms with everything), talk it through with your mates (it’s what they’re there for), get out on the bike (it helped me think) but most importantly understand that it’s not the end of the world (even though I’m sure it feels like it right now) – sometimes these things happen for a reason.

Good luck with everything, I know what you’re going through and my email address is in my profile if I can help in any way.

Rich.

There has been a few suggestions for relate but if someone has fallen out of love and not attracted to someone to want to be intimate, then what good will relate do.

Wow, some really great advice and responses guys; I honestly expected a few more I struggle with long sentences ones! Now it’s out in the open (even if “only” on a forum) I feel a bit better already. My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.

Weirdest thing of all is I feel not dissimilar to when I lost a parent; it’s like I’m in mourning at the moment :weird:

We need a new forum category under the agony aunt header… jeebus!

I speak from 0 experience sorry but I’d say trying to do some more random activities and bonding days out may be a good idea… since you both sound so level headed i also think speaking to a professional will make sure its 100% what you want and you’ve seen the motions out.

hard one, and sad but don’t dwell – if thats that and you’ve given it your best shot then head up be proud of yourself

Do you spend much quality time together? I’m guilty of biking too much so me and my wife now spend every Sunday and every Thursday evening doing something together, taking it in turns to decide what it is. It works well.

Ummm, here’s a slightly different angle: I told my wife I wasn’t in love with her, etc, etc, a while back. In hindsight I was going through a ‘dark patch’ having been diagnosed with depression some time back. Thankfully we’re through it all now and getting on fine. From some of the info you’ve given I wonder if this might be be an issue? A difficult one to braoach, though!

The aim of Relate is not to get couples to stay together regardless. It is to get them to work out what to do, how to come to terms with the decision and how to move on with their lives whether that is together or apart.

I and my ex found it really useful. I did the leaving and had decided the marriage was over before we went to Relate, but they were still really useful in helping us change our relationship to one of ex-husband and wife, and in working out how to communicate the change to our daughter, 9 at the time.

Op – it is just like mourning. In my experience it felt like mourning the loss of the life i had imagined myself having (classic nuclear family) vs a new uncertain future. Expect the process to take a while

Back off, give her some time without pressuring her for reasons or an explanation (not easy but you have to suck it up for a bit) and just be there for the little un, It will feel like your head wants to burst for a bit and your emotions will be Up down and downer… but don’t lose it, hold yourself together..Don’t turn into inspector Clouseau trying to trip her up, if she is.. it’s too late, and if she isn’t you’ll drive her away, jealousy is an ugly partner….
What will be will be…good luck.

My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.

IME young ids dont seem to have any emotional baggage at the time as they are too young to get what it means

Even when someone new comes along they dont seem to react or get it in the sense an older child would – ie what it all means.

How it affects them when they are older i will just have to wait and see.

The expression ‘7 year itch’ isn’t random, it’s a difficult hurdle and real hurdle for many folks to get over. There are a whole bunch of things that work at the start of a relationship that don’t work later on once you have settled into a routine such as working out where you are going next. Relate or other pro help can be useful as sometimes it is difficult to see the problems from inside.

Glad you are both up for working it out though. First hurdle over

but you can’t force someone to be in love with you right?

No you can’t.

I’ve just finished my only serious relationship after we prett much had that discussion. Friend? Yep, some-one to be with and talk to? Yep. Lover? erm…. It’s shit, but it’s better to know.

Give her some time, maybe she’ll change her mind, but prepare yourself for the idea that she won’t.

Definitely get some counselling.

Love means many things and changes throughout a relationship in any case. It’s not all skipping through corn fields in the sunshine, perhaps your wife has lost sight of this as it seems you have a lot going for your relationship.

Now imagine yourself in her place. She may have already begun that grieving process while you weren’t actually aware.

Junkyard – Member
My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.
IME young ids dont seem to have any emotional baggage at the time as they are too young to get what it means

Even when someone new comes along they dont seem to react or get it in the sense an older child would – ie what it all means.

How it affects them when they are older i will just have to wait and see.

Kids are quite resilient, it is how the parents deal with their issues that may cause problems in the future.
My son met his now wife 10yrs ago after she broke up with her ex, they had a 5yr old son. My son then became the go-between for the child between the parents once he moved in. The boys mother would not and still doesn’t communicate with his dad/her ex. My son has acted as go-between and taxi for the lad and provided for him. Now 15 he has turned out OK, wants to be a motor mech, likes the fact he has 3 sets of grand parents. He calls my son by his first name as they agreed from the start that he was never going to be his “dad” even at 5 he could understand that bit.
What I think I am trying to say is that it is up to you and your wife to work out what is best for the child, not for you and that future relationships can and will cause friction that you will need to work through when they arise but need to be prepared for. As my kids went through school I saw some really messed up,kids because their parents could’nt sort themselves out thinking each new what was “best” for the child/ren.
Just for interest been with MrsT since school, married for nearly 40yrs with the odd bump along the way 😛

Good luck with whatever direction you both choose to take

Kids are quite resilient

I beg to differ, although I can understand why parents who screw up would like to believe that.

Besides, childhood should not include a need to be resilient – adults can concentrate on putting up with shit and not dumping it instead on children.

This

The expression ‘7 year itch’ isn’t random, it’s a difficult hurdle and real hurdle for many folks to get over…..Glad you are both up for working it out though. First hurdle over

and this

Love means many things and changes throughout a relationship in any case….it seems you have a lot going for your relationship.

Sticking at it and not giving up in the bad times is as valid an expression of love as anything else.

Sticking at it and not giving up in the bad times is as valid an expression of love as anything else.

Simple phrase but inspiring.

The OP outlined a very similar situation to the one I find myself in. The fun and passion has long since gone, but there’s a 4 year old and 2 year old to consider and they’re too damn important.

I’ve repeatedly questioned whether I would be happier alone, but the glue that binds us now is our children rather than previous shared interests. If there were no consequences I’d be doing bad things, but I cannot bear the thought of my son or my daughter looking at me and thinking that I’d let them down or hurt their mother for my own selfish pleasure.

Life moves on, love is expressed in very funny ways sometimes. But if you and your significant other can be friends over lovers, that is a considerably better situation than millions find themselves in. Witness Justin Lee Collins missus…

Relate may help, almost certainly it will provide clarity and direction. Don’t let something end without trying every option, you have a child at a very impressionable age to consider. They’re resilient things kids, but I see a lot of friends with grudges against one parent or another and I think how lucky I am to not have that problem.

Been through this. Not married hut co habiting with small child and other half ending it. At the end of the day we tried getting back together but it didn’t work. Was miserable for a bit. Nipped seemed fine as still seems time 10yrs later. Got myself together. Hobbies helped. Got good at biking. Now happy in another relationship. Very amicable with ex. You have to be or the kid will suffer. It’s tough at times. You have to bite your toungh and be firm at times.
Good luck. Sometimes its just not meant to be. Roll with it and don’t let it get the better of you. Have fun wither nipper. you get some serious quality time together without mum telling you its not safe.
Sorry about the spelling. Bloody phone

I beg to differ, although I can understand why parents who screw up would like to believe that.

Kids can be very resilient, depending on the circumstances. If you fall out of love with your spouse, I don’t call that ‘screwing up’. ‘Screwing up’ is making a mistake, no?