quick, very short, clean one or two line jokes

What do Australian men use as contraceptive?

Their personalities.

Wot, no Steven Wright?
“I’ve just installed a skylight in my apartment – the people upstairs are furious”

How many Oxford Dons does it take to change a light bulb?
…
Change?

Nonesense- the answer to the social worker joke is ” One, but it has to want to change ”

Wot, no Steven Wright?

You’d never know my friend George works for a radio station……although when he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk

I don’t think being born by caesarean has affected me….. although whenever I leave a building I climb out the window

I went into the chippy and said “fish and chips twice, please”, and the guy replied “it’s ok, I heard you the first time”

Two elephants walk off a cliff
..
..
..
..
..
Boom Boom

Two blondes walk into a bar…boom boom

Best appreciated in the style of basil brush 😉

I’ve just come back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Thank heavens I won’t have to do that again..

maccruiskeen – Member
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They’re very efficient. But not very funny.

*Like*

How many Oxbridge undergraduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to stand there while the rest of the world revolves around them.

2 guys walk into a bar…the third one ducks

2 chavs walking down the road spot a dead crocodile….”look a lacoste sleeping bag”

A man walks into a pet shop ‘can I have a wasp please?’
Shopkeeper replies ‘sorry, we don’t sell wasps’

‘well, there’s one in the window’

Some Mitch Hedberg:

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

I can read minds. But it’s pointless because I’m illiterate.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit!

This jacket is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I wish I could play Little League now… I’d kick some ****’ ass.

I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes… nothing was alphabetized!

Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? ****’… auditions.

I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite and he was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do

The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall.

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” Emo Phillips

What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.

What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

What’s the similarity between a slinky and a chav? Both serve no real purpose but you like to watch them fall down stairs.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.

what is the best cheese to disguise a horse?
mascapone

A guy walks into a pub.

Ouch! it was a metal pub.

Frog and Toad walking along the road.
Toad’s baws fall off.
Frog picks them up and goes, “Hawl, you want yer baws Toad?”

Guy goes into a health food shop, takes a bottle of extra-concentrated Omega 3 capsules off the shelf and the entire display falls down on top of him. He escaped with super fish oil injuries.

There are 10 types of people in the world… Those who understand binary and those who don’t

There are two types of people in the world… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

A farmer just threw some cheese at me, how dairy. Not very mature

6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot.

A carrot.

whats brown and sticky?

my Beyonce poster

What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.

What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?

Gracias

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicals

whojanickabollackov

Marxist revolutionaries have comandeered the paddle steamer, the Waverley, and demanded that it change its traditional route around the Firth of Clyde. When negotiators tried to reason with them, they responded, “No pass Arran.”

Emo Phillips on BBC 3 now! 😀

Edit: all too briefly 😐

I was running in the park and I suffered an asthmatic attack.

It was my own fault. I should have heard them, wheezing in the bushes.

When I was a kid my father used to say “Don’t open the cellar door! Never open the cellar door!

But one day I did. And I saw amazing things.

Trees, the sky, flowers and birds…

(has to be in an emo phillips voice)

Two parrots stood on a perch,one turns to the other,”Can you smell fish?”.

I was in the dentists the other day reading a magazine – isn’t it terrible about the titanic !

I was going to buy a telescope to help study the solar system, but the prices were astronomical.

Which rockstar lives in a Petri dish?

Sammy agar.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

Gets coat…

I see the inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello a wok on Sundial.

Told to me in the pub last night:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Adunnap
…

😆

Went to a whorehouse last night but it was packed…

Too many cocks spoils the brothel.

G

It’s good but it’s not right. Roy Walker having sex with a corpse