jon1973 – Member

I’ll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.

I find that offensive. My grandfather died in the camps.

He fell from a guardtower.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

Doctor, you know those pills you gave me to increase my strength?
I can’t get the top off.

what do you call a woman juggling bottles of stella whilst playing pool

beertricks potter

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?
He came out then went back in again.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deerWhat do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still no f*****g idea

What’s the difference between an egg, a woman and a good w***?
You can beat an egg…

Dwarf shortage.

A man walked into a bar……..ouch

A Brummie joke

What the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can’t wash you hands in a buffalo….

Meanwhile, Ravers in Yorkshire have started injecting liquid Ecstasy directly into the fleshier parts of their mouths.

They call it, “E by gum.”

Took my mrs up the arse the other day… odd name for a pub, I know.

..she asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

Bear walks into a bar and asks “Can I have a gin and …. tonic please?”

“Sure you can, but why the big pause?”

Emo Philips describing his school teacher “She was by and large.”

What did the fish say as it got run over by the bus?

AAArgh! McGills!

still the best joke in the world…

Two scientists walk into a bar
The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” Then he dies.

How did Bob Marley prefer his doughnuts?

Wi Jam In

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for their dinner?

Half an hour

Emo Philips

Thanks for that, greatest comedy legend no-one’s ever heard of.

..she asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

Then a roadie* came in, and he gave her one too.

* As in a music roadie, not a road cyclist

Tim Vincent, we thank you.

So I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

So I said to this train driver: ‘I want to go to Paris.’ He said: ‘Eurostar?’ I said: ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin.’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought: ‘I can’t turn that down.’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty – he’s a dark horse.
I wanted to be a milkman – but I didn’t have the bottle

I wanted to be a milkman – but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

So I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

This bloke says to me: ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought: ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes – he’s a catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bisatchel.

Tim Vincent – Edinburgh fringe winner

– I am thinking of selling my vacuum. It’s just been gathering dust.
– just come back from a holiday of a lifetime, never again.

Steve Marchant
– why can’t hedgehogs just share the hedge?

Anon
Wife to husband – would you still love me if we won the lottery?
Husband to wife – yes, but I’d miss you

Two moths on a wall. One moth says to the other moth “I’m off”.

Whats brown and sticky?

A shit.

Emo Philips
Thanks for that, greatest comedy legend no-one’s ever heard of.

I love to go to the playground and watch all kids running around and shouting and screaming.

They don’t know I’m only firing blanks

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still no f*****g idea

What do you call a deer that has no legs, on fire, deaf, in a southern european country, blind in a layby and on fire?
.
Still flaming deaf in Italy no eyed dear, by the way.

Tim Vincent:

Tim Vine:

RM.

Did you hear about the explosion in the french cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie!

So, suicide bombers, what makes them tick?

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

11….. 1 to go and buy a new energy efficient low wattage guardian approved Eco bulb and 10 to write a pamphlet called “coping with darkness”

I’m related to a social worker so please don’t hate me.

Why do Swiss cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

I went to the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

I went to the paper shop.

It had blown away.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They’re very efficient. But not very funny.

What sort of bees can you get milk from?
Boobees!

When I can’t sleep at night I cant stop eating. It’s called insomnomnia…

How do Mexicans keep warm?
… They use chicken fajitas!

Why do farts smell?

Do deaf people can enjoy them too!

Two tomatoes crossing the road… One says to the other “ketchup!”

What’s the difference between a wet dream and a western dream?
In a western dream, when you wake up you’re still shooting!

I was walking through the Olympic Village and saw a man with a long thing over his shoulder….

….I said “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He said ..”No I am German ..and how did you know my name was Walter?”