Home Forums Chat Forum quick, very short, clean one or two line jokes

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  • quick, very short, clean one or two line jokes
  • Whathaveisaidnow
    Free Member

    needed… preferably funny 😀

    stevied
    Free Member

    I don’t really find him that funny but there are a few here: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

    TP
    Free Member

    How do you make a witch itch? Take away the W.

    Lifer
    Free Member

    I’ve been suffering with a recurring horrible dream.

    What a nightmare.

    I tried Yoga, but found it a bit of a stretch.

    (And my favourite, which I’ll use at every opportunity)

    Why do communists drink herbal tea?

    Because proper tea is theft.

    jaffejoffer
    Free Member

    FELLA GOES THE DRS AND SAYS “MY COCK IS SHAPED LIKE A SPACE ROCKET!”
    DR: “REALLY, WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE MAKE OF IT?”

    “SHE’S OVER THE MOON!!!”

    jaffejoffer
    Free Member

    fella walks into a posh bakery. “I’ll have one of those gattocks please,”

    “It’s pronounced gateaux and it’s £25,” the assistant responds.

    “£25 for a cake? Bolleaux to that!”

    jaffejoffer
    Free Member

    hmm neither that short nor very clean….

    ton
    Full Member

    2 penguins in a colony, one turns and say’s to the other ‘what does your mate harry look like’.

    chip
    Free Member

    A horse walks into a bar.
    Barman: why the long face.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    I like this one from the Fringe:

    “The universe implodes. No matter.”

    Short enough for ya?

    stevied
    Free Member

    2 fish in a tank, one says “how do you drive this thing?”

    2 budgies on a perch, one says “can you smell fish?”

    jon1973
    Free Member

    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar.

    Barman says “is this some kind of joke?”

    connect2
    Full Member

    I went to visit the RSPCA’s HQ, you can’t swing a cat in there!

    (shamelessly pinched from another post on here)

    KINGTUT
    Free Member

    I was at the cashpoint the other day and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her.

    So I pushed her over.

    KINGTUT
    Free Member

    Russian Dolls, can’t stand them, so full of themselves.

    rocketman
    Free Member

    Jesus saves but Moses makes an incremental backup

    lol

    *cough*

    johndoh
    Free Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    plyphon
    Free Member

    Did you see they’re closing to getting a cure for premature ejaculation?

    I heard it’s coming soon.

    I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don’t know what he’s laced these with but i’ve been tripping all day.

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

    Say what you want about deaf people.

    I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

    I organised a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun.

    You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

    Love one liners

    nickjb
    Free Member

    Venison’s dear, isn’t it?

    If that’s too long you can probably cut the last 2 words

    HoratioHufnagel
    Free Member

    Stationary Shop Moves.

    (Jimmy Carr i think)

    soobalias
    Free Member

    i got a job as a tringle player in a reggae band.

    i just stand at the back and ting.

    from FB today.

    will
    Free Member

    Stewart Francis

    I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.

    I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

    I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there…

    Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes

    I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

    He’s brilliant, also Milton Jones

    ScottChegg
    Free Member

    How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

    Stick it in a microwave until it’s Bill withers.

    chakaping
    Full Member

    Two lions eating a clown.
    One turns to the other, says: “Does this taste funny to you?”

    Janet Street Porter walks into a bar, asks: “Can I have a large aperatif?”
    Barman replies: “I don’t think so love.”

    geoffj
    Full Member

    My daughter’s favourite (possibly made up by her, but I’m not 100% convinced)

    What type of spider likes music?
    A Ta la la la rantula

    theotherjonv
    Free Member

    Technically speaking, it’s impossible to lose a homing pigeon. What you’ve lost, is a pigeon.

    One of those insects flew into my house yesterday. It bumbled around for a bit, bouncing off the walls, and then exploded. It was a jihadi long legs.

    redted
    Free Member

    What do rappers use to clean their toilets?

    Bleaaatch!

    Si
    Free Member

    My girlfriend left me cause I kept touching pasta….

    I’m feeling canneloni right now…

    Ah thank you and goodnight!!

    gatsby
    Free Member

    Lorry has just shed it’s load of Alphabetti Spaghetti on the M6…

    A police spokesman said it could have spelt disaster.

    G

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

    Halloumi.

    gatsby
    Free Member

    A lorry has shed it’s load of blue and red paint on the M4…

    Thousands of motorists have been marooned.

    G

    injuredflanker
    Free Member

    What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
    Mascarpone

    jon1973
    Free Member

    I’ll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    What cheese do you use to encourage a woodland dwelling mammal?

    Camembert

    annebr
    Free Member

    Heard about the magic tractor?
    It turned into a field.

    gatsby
    Free Member

    My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists…

    The committed unspeakable acts.

    G

    Whathaveisaidnow
    Free Member

    Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
    A: He wiped his bum.

    edd
    Full Member

    Did you hear about the chees board that blew away?

    They think it was the strong bries…

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    What cheese should you serve to a Yorkshire hydro-electric power enthusiast?

    Edam.

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    Not clean, but always makes me laugh.

    How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?
    .
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    PENIS!

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