Northerners

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, ‘Where have you been?’
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’
‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’
‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.
‘For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s that?’
‘Ah,’ said God. That’s the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’

God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South !’

Troll

You missed out the BNP

very accurate summary i say.

You missed out the BNP

Allow me.

God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South more of whom will vote for the BNP than the Northeners!’

As a Midlander, I find that very amusing….
😛

EDIT – ….Whilst laughing heartily at the Northerners with the massive chip on their shoulders…..

You missed out the BNP

Allow me.

God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South more of whom will vote for the BNP than the Northeners!’

Well put!

😆 well put Brainflex – spot on

…..more of whom will vote for the BNP than the Northeners!

Not as a percentage of the population entitled to vote.

I live in the glorious midlands, land of good looking women, great beer and devoid of the chips on shoulders so frequently displayed by knuckle dragging northerners and shandy-drinking southerners. We also seem to have far-less idiots residing around these parts, or BNP voters as they are also known.

Anywhoo, if you two are going to be at it all day can you at least do the honourable thing and get a room so us residents of areas other than ‘the north’ and ‘the south’ can enjoy the forum free from your tosh?

Oi Brainflex – is that supposed to be revelatory?
Thought it was clearly understood by all.
No idea it needed to be pointed out!
Education today, sheesh!

Well I live on the south coast and I think that’s very unfair – I’m off to cry in my shandy now!

This has many of the hallmarks of a thread that will end up in tears

depends what you call the north, I worked with a Geordie who thought Yorkshire and Lancashire was the midlands, Birmingham was in the south and London was in France, so by using his twisted logic, there is only one Premiership Football Club in the North.

For a bit of balance to them ‘Northerners’

The South Country – Hilaire Belloc

WHEN I am living in the Midlands
That are sodden and unkind,
I light my lamp in the evening:
My work is left behind;
And the great hills of the South Country
Come back into my mind.

The great hills of the South Country
They stand along the sea;
And it’s there walking in the high woods
That I could wish to be,
And the men that were boys when I was a boy
Walking along with me.

The men that live in North England
I saw them for a day:
Their hearts are set upon the waste fells,
Their skies are fast and grey;
From their castle-walls a man may see
The mountains far away.

The men that live in West England
They see the Severn strong,
A-rolling on rough water brown
Light aspen leaves along.
They have the secret of the Rocks,
And the oldest kind of song.

But the men that live in the South Country
Are the kindest and most wise,
They get their laughter from the loud surf,
And the faith in their happy eyes
Comes surely from our Sister the Spring
When over the sea she flies;
The violets suddenly bloom at her feet,
She blesses us with surprise.

I never get between the pines
But I smell the Sussex air;
Nor I never come on a belt of sand
But my home is there.
And along the sky the line of the Downs
So noble and so bare.

A lost thing could I never find,
Nor a broken thing mend:
And I fear I shall be all alone
When I get towards the end.
Who will there be to comfort me
Or who will be my friend?

I will gather and carefully make my friends
Of the men of the Sussex Weald;
They watch the stars from silent folds,
They stiffly plough the field.
By them and the God of the South Country
My poor soul shall be healed.

If I ever become a rich man,
Or if ever I grow to be old,
I will build a house with deep thatch
To shelter me from the cold,
And there shall the Sussex songs be sung
And the story of Sussex told.

I will hold my house in the high wood
Within a walk of the sea,
And the men that were boys when I was a boy
Shall sit and drink with me.

I’m a man of the South Country and proud of it!

I’ll say no more than this anyway S&J, bit too busy to keep poking STW today. The BNP subjected the North West to a reasonably high level of campaigning which presumably is why so many Northeners voted. Not so in the South where voters must have sought them out.

devoid of the chips on shoulders so frequently displayed by knuckle dragging northerners and shandy-drinking southerners

nicely done piece of irony there.

The great hills of the South Country

Where are these then? 😛

Well said jova54 !!!

That’s one of those crap jokes that work with just about any area of the world (you could almost directly swap North/South for Madrid/Barcelona, France/Paris, wherever), only told by people with a serious inferiority complex…

That’s one of those crap jokes that work with just about any area of the world…
…only told by people with a serious inferiority complex

Agreed, and regionalism is the thin end of the racist wedge……

serious inferiority complex…

Surely the people with the serious inferiority complex are the ones that get all pissy about a silly joke?

*stands and applauds*

well put grummm

and by quoting a girly poem, jova only strengthens the shandy-drinking image

Aren’t Northerners all unemployed anyway?

Meh! You’re all Southerners to me…

Well, as I’m in west Wales, you’re all easterners to me!

At least its poetry headfirst, better than the tired old recycled ‘joke’ of the OP.

We don’t mind being seen as shandy-drinkers if it keeps northerners away 😉

grumm – Member

The great hills of the South Country

Where are these then?

Anywhere between London and the south coast. My former boss, a professional Yorkshireman from Sheffield who lived on the edge of the Peak District, moved to the Weald having been driven through the north and south downs and being amazed that we had proper hills in the south.

Good god, there’s a lot of folk with a sense of humour bypass on here today.

(Born in south, grew up in north, now live in south west).

Anywhere between London and the south coast.

Seriously? I’ve driven from London to Brighton and I honestly don’t remember any hills at all.

Seriously? I’ve driven from London to Brighton and I honestly don’t remember any hills at all.

Was it at night?

You were probably too distracted by the wonder that is electric-powered street lighting to spot the two large ranges of hills you drove over, including driving up the side of Ditching Beacon (886ft) just before the final descent into Brighton.

Why did you go to Brighton anyway? Bored of the public loos in the North?

886ft? Hahaahahaha, we measure hills in metres up here. 886ft might just about get called a hillock.

A night ride after work up here could involve ‘hills’ of say, 950m (that’s 3117ft for you southerners) – http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/kmb-tuesday-night-ride-helvellyn-photos

😛

(*waits for Scots to make similar comments about northern England)

Call that a hill…..

druidh – Member
Call that a hill…..

This is beginning to remind me of the Monty Python 4 Yorkshiremen sketch;

‘When I were a lad we used to get up half-an-hour before we went to bed …….’ etc etc etc 😀

Its not the height, its the quality.

Although I live in the midlands I’ve ridden all over the country and regretfully (as I no longer live there) admit that the North Downs has some of the finest riding in the entire country, if you enjoy singletrack that is.

Of course some northerners avoid singletrack like the plague and stick to bridleways that pass over barren hilltops, considering this ‘real’ mountain biking purely due to the height involved. Little skill is required for such riding, just an ability to switch brain to stand-by.

hang on, someone mentioned singletrack! where is it? and does it have swoopy corners?

a singletrack starved northener needs to know…

886ft? Hahaahahaha, we measure hills in metres up here. 886ft might just about get called a hillock.

A night ride after work up here could involve ‘hills’ of say, 950m (that’s 3117ft for you southerners)

Well, I’m from New Zealand, and you’re all a bunch of Northern flatlanders to me…

I laughed my arse off when I climbed to the top of the UK’s mightiest peak (1,344 metres! BAHAHAHAAA!) in jeans and a t-shirt while all the ramblers were kitted out with walking poles, gaiters and compasses.

Get yer **** hands off it, the lot of yiz.

Ya ‘bunch of whingeing puffs… 😉

BTW – I live in Kent now, and it’s lovely, ta.

Surprised and intrigued to see that it’s the midlanders taking the bait rather than the southerners.

I’d never make such sweeping generalisations myself, even in a lame joke, because I know northerners are generally decent, hardworking folk – with the exception of the entire city of Manchester of course.

Its not the height, its the quality.

Although I live in the midlands I’ve ridden all over the country and regretfully (as I no longer live there) admit that the North Downs has some of the finest riding in the entire country, if you enjoy singletrack that is.

Of course some northerners avoid singletrack like the plague and stick to bridleways that pass over barren hilltops, considering this ‘real’ mountain biking purely due to the height involved. Little skill is required for such riding, just an ability to switch brain to stand-by.

funny isn’t it that we have no singletrack up North, yet we have the best magazine (Singletrack) based in a Northern Town 😉

Why argue over north and south England? It’s like polishing your favourite end of a turd when compared to other parts of the world 🙂

I might be trolling, a little 😀

footstomper – Did I mention there being no singletrack in the north?

1/10, see me after class.

you should try Dartmoor, Exmoor, Quantocks, Chilterns, Mendips, The Jurassic Coast of Dorset, South Downs, North Downs and not forgeting the Malverns before considering is ‘flat landers’.

Besides, the only people I meet upon the fells always seem to come from the south!?

Steak and ale pie anyone?

😀