Takisawa – no problem, the offers there. Good luck with it all.

Salad dodger – really sorry to hear this, my sincere condolences to you and your family too. My offers open to you too and to anyone else for that matter.

I’ve been quite open about everything that has happened and will gladly help anyone if I can.

Takisawa, sorry for your loss.

Went through this two years and a day ago. My first born was due any day at that point so I couldn’t spend as much time as I would have liked by my dad’s side.

I’ve found grieving a confusing process, I didn’t feel like I had to openly display my grief to people, and found it much easier to cope by just acting normal as best I could. I felt no need to ‘prove’ how much I loved my dad by openly mourning him constantly. It helped that we had a new-borne to look after at this point.

The numbness passed though and 2 years on my emotions are much closer to the surface, I was a sobbing mess in the cinema at the end of ‘A Star is Born’ and I still can’t watch ‘Gladiator’ in company! My wife occasionally asks about my dad and talking about him for any length of time usually brings the tears back. Not sure if it has also contributed to my general stress and anger levels unfortunately, that might just be parenthood.

I’ve never been one for cliches etc. but there is a lot of truth in some of them, I still often see my dad in my dreams, there’s usually an element of saying things to him that I wish I’d said when he was alive, but I usually feel better for those dreams and am sad that I seem to have them less often now. They always ended with us hugging.

I have to try and resist the ‘resentment’ I feel towards my wife’s father, for no reason whatsoever I find myself judging him against standards set by my dad (which is nonsense as they are/were both very different men, equally good). I’ve admitted it to my wife and explained that I know how ridiculous it is, it was better that than her picking up on it and not knowing what it was.

Anyway, sorry to have made this more about me than you, as others have said, catharsis is helpful and maybe something above will strike a chord for you now or later.

All the best in the next few weeks and months.

Takisawa, and everyone going through similar experiences. firstly as everyone has said, condolences for your loss.
I know exactly how you feel and its shit 🙁

I lost my father nearly 6 years ago to liver cancer.
Even though we had known for a year, and I thought I had prepared for it, it still hit me like a truck.
The important thing for me was to let the grief in and experience it, I found it came in waves and still does.
But I let it in, deal with it, shed some tears and it passes.
I found a great analogy the other Day on FB, ill see if i can find it for you, but its effectively a box, with a pain buzzer on one internal wall, and a ball in the box.
Initially this ball is massive and it presses the buzzer all the time
With time the ball gets smaller and you get some respite.
but it still hits the buzzer sometimes.
The Buzzer never gets switched off, its always active, but with time it gets pressed less, some days the ball is massive, some weeks its really tiny and misses the buzzzer completely.

People always say: “give it time, it gets better”

I`ve always hated this. The fact my father is dead never gets better, the fact I cant pick up the phone and talk to him never gets better, or go to a Gig, or listen to music too loud…..
That never gets better and never will.

So I say: “Give it time, in time it gets different” the periods of sadness get less frequent and shorter but no less painful when they do hit.
But its different, your reactions to it change with time. and it gets easier to cope with.

I still cant listen to “Wish you were here” by Pink Floyd, or “Tank Park SAlute” by Billy Bragg without lots of tears but thats ok.
(Im actually welling up typing this at work)

I dont know what the answer is, if there is one, I can only offer my experience, but Im here if you need anything.

Salad Dodger, truly sorry to hear that mate. I can imagine where your heads at &, if its any comfort, your in everyone’s thoughts, especially mine mate.
I hope folks don’t mind if I add a few words here each day. Seeing it written seems to help.

Yesterday was pretty tough, kept finding myself panicking that it was all getting too much. I had a short bout of depression many years ago, & I picked up some of the little negative feelings & triggers that brought that on. Managed to snap out of it by keeping busy & focusing on things. Late at night is worst but managed to sleep well enough. Waking up is crap. For a split moment its all ok, then I remember. And the mood drops. Getting up & out with the dog helped this morning. He’s never had so many walks.

Awoke in a more positive mood today. Spent the morning ringing round notifying various places, DWP, Council, Bank etc. They offer a “Tell Us Once” service now, which would have done it all in one hit, but cant register for it till the Death Certificate is issued. It just felt better to have made some progress on the official stuff whilst in a positive mindset. My brother spent the morning cleaning out Dad’s mobility car, which upset him, but he felt it was something he had to do for our Dad. It’s being collected next week. Busying myself with a bit of DIY this afternoon.
Thanks for now everyone.
Some fantastic advice on here from you folks, I honestly feel a lot better for just sharing, so thanks to you all.

cr500dom. That really resonates with me.

salad dodger. So sorry for your loss.

Currently sat with Mum as she sees out her last few hours. I know, shouldn’t be writing on here but sharing it helps…
She’s suffered enough. Family have decided, no more treatment. Heart will stop at some point, just keeping her comfortable.
God bless you Mum.

Losing both parents within 2 weeks.
Holy crap guys, this is the hardest time.

Man that sucks. Really, really feel for you. ☹️

Best wishes, that’s just hard. We lost FIL very quickly to lung cancer – something like 8 weeks from finding he had it to dead – very quick. Made worse by the fact MIL is disabled and was sat in the lounge as he worsened on a hospital bed in the adjoining dining room. We actually got respite care overnight in the last two weeks from a charity. That helped massively. MIL is still here but recently gone into a nursing home due to no mobility. She did well lasting 4 years on her own after FIL died. We thought she wasn’t going to make it in Feb, but pulled round. With her it’s heart failure and stroke issues, leading to loss of mobility and basically a living death last 15 years.

Losing both parents within 2 weeks.
Holy crap guys, this is the hardest time.

Thinking of you.  I know just how hard that is.  Take care.

so sorry takisawa.

Takisawa – it’s years since mine died; it’s tough – but both going so quickly…..
My heart goes out to you.
Others will be strong for you but you must stay strong for yourself and those close to you; I know it’s easier said than done.
Slackalice on page 1 said ‘your parents gave you the gift of life’ – how true that is; cherish all of the memories of happier times as they will sustain you throughout the future.
Don’t try to fight or control your emotions – let them go as it’s your body’s way of maintaining balance.

**** takisawa – that’s tough. I hope your mum has a peaceful end.

Takisawa so sorry for your loss.

My deepest condolence to you and your family.

If I could, I’d give you a hug.

My mum died this May unexpectedly. She was great, and I only really appreciate this now she’s gone. I think of her oh so often, and end up smiling because of her infectious joy for life. I feel guilty, but then, mum would want me to smile. I miss her heaps.

All I can offer, is think of their smiles, their funny traits, their goodness. They gave us a lot.

My dad died 4 years ago after a protracted cancer battle. The last 2 weeks were awful, from final diagnosis to passing away at home on a borrowed hospital bed. The thought of him having to cope with that period is the hardest part. His quote at the time was “it’s a silly business isn’t it?”. Not quite sure what he was referring to, but it did feel silly. Everything to be said has been said. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye the last time I left him conscious, just snook out while he slept. Next time I saw him he was jacked up on morphine for the final few hours.

It’s a brutal and cathartic experience and my lasting feeling is one of our own mortality and precious time on this earth. Now it feels like a tough waiting game for mum who has watched too many people die but genes suggest she’ll be around to see a few more go.

Sorry for your loss OP (and others who have shared).

My dad died in 1989 when I was 19. It seemed sudden but in retrospect I think he may have been aware that he was at risk as he used to tell my bother and I “Make sure you look after your Mum” and similar more than seemd normal.
He was 62 and died of a heart attack after having been swimming – he certainly was not ill for an extended period which was a blessing.
I think it is very easy to get caught up in the administrative tasks of somebody passing away and you may find that things hit you really hard once that is done. I would say be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are dealing with something big. It may also be an opportunity to reconnect with siblings and relatives that you do not spend much time with.
To be honest though the best thing will be time – the grief will lessen (you will always carry it with you) and hopefully you will start to have a type of wistful happiness when something reminds you of him. My Dad was very practical and I most often remember him when doing some DIY task (thinking he would be much better at this than me!) particularly if using his old tools.

Salad_dodger, I’m so very sorry to hear that mate.

We lost Mum on Sunday morning at 11:15.
Both Parents gone, 2 weeks apart.

Mum had a couple of episodes with her Potassium levels going up towards the end of the week. On Friday the Specialist took us to one side & told us the treatment wasn’t working. On Saturday we sat & talked & made the difficult decision to withdraw treatment. No more painful blood samples. No more drips or monitoring of this & that. The hope was that Mum would see out her last few days in a local hospice. On Saturday we spoke to Mum for what would be the last time. On Sunday we were all on our way in anyway when the hospital called to say she had taken a turn for the worse. She was awake but couldn’t speak, heavily dosed on morphine.

We sat with her as a family. We cried & laughed & held her as she grew weaker & fainter. We all kissed her gently & then she was gone. She slipped peacefully away. The moment we realised she had gone was a mix of heartbreak & relief. The heartbreak of seeing my Sisters in so much pain, calling out for Mum in desperation. My youngest sister collapsed on the floor. But relief that she was no longer in pain. I was numb, dumbfounded & in shock & I felt I couldn’t breathe. I had to get outside right away & I sat on a bench to gather my thoughts.

We have spent a lot of time together as a family this week, culminating in Dads funeral yesterday. It was exactly as he would have wanted. Non religious, led by a celebrant. We led Dad’s coffin in to the Steptoe theme tune, “Old Ned”. He would have loved that. I managed to compose myself enough to stand & read a letter that my youngest Sister had written for Dad. It was just a simple service with a family get together to follow, which is exactly what Dad would have wanted. He had long ago chosen the Monty Python song, “The bright side of life” as his final funeral song & we didn’t let him down.

Today I’ve been quite thoughtful, busying myself with this & that. My cousins in Australia are having a get together tomorrow, so we have arranged a BBQ breakfast at mine so we can FaceTime & see our Aunt (Mum’s sister).

Next week we will start the preperations for Mum’s funeral. She had already chosen a burial &, being a Catholic”, it will be somewhat different to Dad’s. What I’m not looking forward to is that crescendo of stress that builds & builds until the service is over. We are a long, long way from through this but we have sworn to stick tightly together as brothers & sisters to get us through this.

Right now I desperately, desperately want to just hear Mum’s voice again.
To pop round, have a cuppa, catch up on the family gossip.

Well written – I share your grief – from someone who went through this less than 4 months ago and still in a daze I cannot explain.

My condolences to you and your family on the loss of both parents so close to each other. I know it must be difficult but do look after yourself – the grieving process is not on a continual decrease over time, and you may find things hit hardest when everything seems to have calmed down and others have drifted back to their daily lives. This is especially true if you are the one organising all the funeral arrangements and dealing with the endless administration as well as being a support to your siblings. Take care!

I hope you are coping.

I went through a not dissimilar experience three years back July. My mum had lymphoma, had chemo, but it reoccured and the harsher chemo knocked her for 6. They took her off it and put her in palliative cocktail instead (my bother is a CPN, turned up badged up and the consultant spoke to him as a professional so we knew). I watched her decline and the end was mercifully short (for her I mean). As the only ‘responsible adult’ there I dealt with everything (the waiting for the death certificate thing, yeah, nobody tells you that do they) and it was this that kept me grounded and helped me cope. Her funeral was well attended and we all had some dash of colour in our funereal outfits as that is what we felt she would’ve wanted.

My dad had lung cancer and hypertension. He died in his sleep 12 days later. His funeral was different, he was a piper and the band turned out for an honour guard and a regimental flag was lent for the coffin. I was actually impressed with the minister (I’m not religous, and neither was my dad really) he managed to wring a wry smile out of the congregation at exactly the right moment.

cr500dom sums up how it goes pretty well.

Right now I desperately, desperately want to just hear Mum’s voice again.

Hmm, the last week my mum had phoned me while I was driving into see them and I didn’t pick up, not least because I was only 10 minutes away. What with everything I completely forgot about it. Only after she died when I noticed I’d voicemail did I check it. Hearing her voice in that context was a real shock, I very nearly dropped the phone. It really freaked me out.

I still miss my mum the most (we were very close). But its not the constant nag it was at first.

Just keep on keeping on.