Wondered what it would feel like when a parent passes away. It sucks.
Dad had been poorly for some weeks, in hospital. This morning (Sunday) he passed away peacefully. I knew it was coming, we all did. But by heck when it comes. It’s tough.
I feel numb, almost like I’m watching myself from afar. For the odd moment I forget it’s happened. I think “I must go & see my Dad”. Then it snaps me back to reality & it’s real. I feel oddly calm. I want to cry, It will come. But telling myself to stay strong for my sisters & brother.
So much to do it’s overwhelming. Have to sort out registering his death. Start dealing with getting the funeral organised. One step at a time I guess.
Bloody hell. Crap.

Any practical advice would be gratefully received. Folk will see me calm on the surface but I’m kicking like mad to stay afloat underneath.
Oh crap.
Rest in peace Dad, god bless you.
Hope it’s ok to post this here, typing this out has helped. Thanks all.

That must be hard and something I’m dreading myself. Sadly, I have no wise words to offer. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

Firstly, really sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.

Secondly, not lost a parent but I know what you mean and completely understand what you’re going through. It’s not easy, 14 months since Lyanda passed away and still have moments, days and even weeks of hell. I did everything, the funeral arrangements, order of service etc myself. Not sure if it will help but my blog has a fair bit of info on it, my feelings, things that have happened and links on how to deal with grief. Feel free to share my blog with anyone, I’m hoping it will help others too as it is written from my own first hand perspective.

https://brighteststarinthesky.com

If you want a chat, please message me and I will gladly give you my email address and phone number if you want to have a chat. If I can help in any way I will.

Sorry for your loss. My Dad died when I was 21 (about 12 years ago), it was sudden though not unexpected. He had been ill for a while but I hadn’t expected it to be so sudden.

All you can do is hang in there. Its tough, and tough to have to sort out the practicalities when you cant really think and just want to grieve. Let your friends and family help and offer support however they can. Don’t feel guilty for any moments of happiness that you may be able to find. Remember that it will get easier however much you are struggling.

My mother passed away in May. I still don’t sleep so well as it occupies a large part of your mind. I can relate to the feelings you describe.
All I can say is the intensity doesn’t leave you but the bad days get less. Look after yourself and remain healthy.

Sorry to hear about your loss. My mum died 11 years ago and barely an hour goes by without me thinking of her.

When she died 6 months after cancer diagnosis i felt relief, anger, humility. Its surreal and whilst life will never be the same again, life does go on and it becomes a new normal.

All the best to you and yours.

Firstly, my sympathies for your loss.

Secondly, I can totally understand and identify with the feelings you describe OP.  When I lost my dad, I felt very much as you say.

Take care,

J

First of all.
Sorry for your loss. Just can’t imagine.
Writing things here has helped me immensely and hope it will be helpful to you aswell.
God Bless.

Sorry to hear of your fathers’ passing OP. Yes, it does and can continue to suck; life is all about loss – or rather, how we deal with loss.

My father died in a car accident nearly 40years ago, a shock that gave me grey hair at the age of 18 and too many years trying to come to terms with it/him and me. Not good but obviously a path I needed to tread and follow because now, I can wholeheartedly say that the greatest gift he gave me was his death.

My mum died as a result of cancer and a mercifully short illness 8 years ago. Lessons learnt, we talked, we shared, we laughed and cried together while we could and I was there when she exhaled her last and wished her well and love with the angels, my grief was still present but I had closure.

Our parents give us the gift of life and the gift of death. If you choose.

Go well on your journey, we each have our own.

So much to do it’s overwhelming.

Any practical advice would be gratefully received.

The approach I used a few years ago was to put all the tasks on a list and get them dealt with very quickly to get them out of the way and not have them lingering around. It is how I do most things anyway but getting the list of things to do all in one place helped and I was able to get pretty much all of it done in a few days.
There is a lot less to do when first parent dies compared to second so there is that (realise that won’t help at all!)

Nowhere near as bad as the OP but just spent a weekend with my Dad in the Lake District. He’s always active, always moving and always been a sportsman. This weekend, he was hobbling badly and having to walk with a stick.
He’s had 1 knee replacement already, I suspect the other one is imminent and possibly a hip too.
All very sad.

Very sorry for your loss OP. My dad died 4 years ago now, when I was 33. It does get easier, but even now i still think “oh I’ll call him about Tour de France” or “i’ll send him that picture” , and then you remember…  but i use those little moments as a chance to think about him, or tell my children about him and so on, to keep his memory alive.

One thing that helped me is/was focusing on that i had a wonderful dad that i miss, and how lucky I am to have that at least. Some poor people don’t even get that chance.  It helps me anyhow.  All the best

My condolences and sympathy OP. I lost dad the day the clocks went back last year, after a 6 month battle with bowel cancer. We all knew he was not enjoying life and the end was a release and relief, but still hard. Numb, yep that sounds about right. One of the hardest and weirdest bits was the few minutes/hours after the wake. Thankfully I have 2 little girls who were angels at the wake and cheered many people, especially mum. We make sure to see mum lots.
How you can remember the good times with your dad.
I still have virtually daily thoughts of, ‘i miss dad’ but they can make me smile too.

Little practical tip, you can apply for probate online these days, once give got your papers in order.

Not got much useful stuff to add other than talk about your loss. I lost my mother just over a year ago and still don’t really believe it. I recognize way too many of the feelings you wrote about. Bottling the feelings for a while has not helped and I’ve still got a very short fuse due to how I feel.

The estate valuation, tax submission and probate seems overwhelming. I did all of it online and when I actually sat down to deal with it, was surprised that it was not quite as bad as expected. The online process is good and you can dip in and out of all the sections (including coming back another time).

You have my deepest sympathies.

I lost my dad several years ago to liver cancer (diagnosed at stage 4 or something) and, no matter how much I _knew_ I was going to lose him, I was still unprepared. I still miss him, but I am over the stage where I well up when I think about him now.

I’m trying to think what helped most during that time and it was certainly being around family and talking to them. Most of all though, time helps. It dulls things and changes how you think about people. The sharp edges of emotions do get ground down as the world goes on. It’s just a bit more empty.

Talk though, discuss, remember. It’s going to hurt now but it will get easier.

Just lost my mum, last month, nine years after my dad.
Dad’s was sudden and unexpected, (You think parents live for ever) during that first week I was numb to began with then started feel something! and then started the grieving process, thinking about him alot.
With my mum passing, after years of deterating health and thankfully, a short period of pain and discomfort, she is now no longer in pain and back together with my dad, but I’m still feeling numb.
Thank you STW, typing this out has help to make my mums death real and can now start to grieve.

Can’t help you OP, i’m in the same position. Dads in hospital and been Nil By Mouth since last Monday (including drip) they told us a few days but he’s entering his second week now. Like you I don’t know where to start

It’s when you think you’ve got it under control that you haven’t.
My dad died > 10 years ago, was slightly surprising as he seemed in decent enough health. Mum did last year. I was surprised – after dealing with dad OK – how much mum’s death hurt – even though it was well signalled.

As sole executor, and with no siblings, I didn’t have much fall-back for the nitty-gritty details. Still sorting her stuff out. To be honest I engaged a local para-solicitor to deal with the intricate stuff.

But that’s some way down the line. Take each day, hold your family close. Time for you as well.

Holyzeus,
I thought spending two hours or so waiting for my dad to pass was bad. But the 24 hours for my was even worse, especially since the previous 24hrs she was in pain but lucid.
The period your are waiting must be insufferable, hopefully you dad shall a peaceful passing soon.

My sincere condolences, OP.

I lost my dad in March of 2015 after an agonising 12 months dealing with cancer of the bile duct. His final days were so difficult, I am still not over it.

The one thing I can say is that, while the nature of the memory of your dad will evolve, the memory itself does not go away. As some have said, above: not a day will go by without you thinking of him.

Very best wishes.

So sorry to hear your news OP.

Not normally one for posting things like this. Lost my dad last October to sudden cardiac arrest outside his house. He was 73 I was with him whilst they tried to bring him back, and followed the ambulance to the hospital. I still feel numb so many things I didn’t have chance to say. Not a day goes by without me thinking about him or wishing I could share some news with him.

I just try to take each day as it comes, remember the happy things the little things. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. As said you just think your parents will always be there.

Keep going allow yourself to grieve and that will allow you to heal.

Rich.

Sorry about the news.
The only thing I can say is make sure you do grieve, and don’t leave it too long. I bottled up my feelings after Dad unexpectedly died (nearly 35yrs ago) and I’m still suffering the after effects.
You need to look after yourself so you can look after the others.

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum at the end of March after a short battle with cancer, and just a year after losing my brother. It’s a tough old ride and the pain doesn’t seem to ever go away. You just find ways of living with it. I visited her house yesterday and it was easier than previous visits.

my dad going last year was the saddest thing ive ever dealt with in my life, i still well up thinking about it. from having a holiday in greece with us planned, to having a bad back and ‘may not be able to make the hols’, to being diagnosed with cancer, and gone within a few weeks…..

died at home which was a slight blessing, but going in to see him each day, knowing that these would be his final days, he’d never see a sunny day again, go on walks with my mum…. so so sad, then watch as he got worse each day, the meds got stronger, and he finally went….

f*** cancer.

Unless your siblings are much younger than you, don’t try to hide your feelings from them.
My experience is that “staying strong “ can be misinterpreted as “doesn’t care as much as I do” and that can cause additional, avoidable, stress on both sides.
It is beyond shit, but let your family help you; it may help them too. Sorting out my mother’s funeral was a family session (and their cleaner helped with some bits as well – she’s almost family too!) and I can’t imagine that doing it alone would have been manageable.

My condolences takisawa2. Don’t have any advice but I’m not looking forward to being in the same situation soon.

Thank you @macwhisky

I can’t really offer much advise-wise as i dealt with it very badly but i would just say, do try to address the grief, bottling it up will do you and those around you no favours.
You have my condolences.

My condolences to you and your family! If you can get a good funeral director they can take care of almost all the arrangements for the funeral or cremation which will take some of the immediate pressure off you. Getting probate is a relatively easy process and can be done on-line, but the bit I found harder was the taxation element.

One thing that I found was hard to deal with on an emotional level was 2-3 months after my Mum’s death when things get back to normal for everyone else and you have been busy with funeral arrangements, probate etc etc. The initial practical and emotional support gradually phases away as people get back to their everyday lives and you feel very alone – I definitely could have done with some support at this time.

Really sorry to hear of your loss 🙁 … In time it will get better and remember the good times ….. I lost both my parents in 2008 , only 8 weeks apart !!! …. never really finished grieving for my dad before my mom died 🙁 … Still miss them like mad

Everyone, go and hug someone you love. That’s about the only consistent thing i hear about loss – people wish they’d shown more love when they could.

Since my first response, I have been reflecting a little.  Part of my experience is as below.

I find it has got easier with time.  Raw grief has been replaced by sadness but often pauses to smile and sometimes laugh.

It is strange though because occasionally I get in the car on my way home from work and still go to call him. I did that every day and even seven years later I can still get caught out.

Two-weeks ago was the fiftieth anniversary of my parents meeting and lots of memories poured out from my mum and those were lovely to hear.

I still miss his love and support, and I know how much he would love to see and spend more time with his grandchildren – it’s this which is hardest. Keeping his memory alive helps though…

Funnily enough, one of the thing that helps is posting on threads like this. Catharsis is a powerful tool for me.

It’s shit, but does get better.
Lost my dad 13 years ago and it still hurts, sadly what makes it hard is my awesome 4 year old asking about his grandad.

One of my friends has just lost a parent – the first friend in my circle where I knew the parent as a kid.

Any tips for how to support a mate going through it?

Mum died last year. Essentially the leukemia got her, but it says something else on the death certificate.

Was there with her, along with my dad, my sister and mum’s sisters.

Was an odd experience.

Hardest was standing at the end of the bed and mum not knowing who I was. Full of morphine and oxygen it’s to be expected.

Don’t think I’ve ever seen my old man so desperate and genuine.

There was a strange period before her last breath. I kept willing her to let go, to stop fighting… Her grasp would weaken. All of us would look at each other and think “she’s gone” vs then suddenly she takes another almighty breath and squeezes my hand. Freaky.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. There are moments when I need to take a step back and let out a tear.

It’s hit my sister hardest. Mum was her best friend, confidant, person to turn to. She even bought the house next door to be closer to mum and dad.

My greatest fear would be that dad wallows and fades, but fortunately he has his two grandsons next door which gives him a reason for keeping the house clean and being socially active…

Life goes on. Nothing is forever.

Any tips for how to support a mate going through it?

All I would say I’d be available and to let them know you are there for them.

I started this thread when my old man died. https://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/dad-appreciation-thread/
I thought it best to remember the good stuff rather than dwell on the loss and the death. I saw my dad on his death bed and this was the worst thing I could’ve done. Well, it was good because my 2 brothers were there and we supported each other, mostly with the humour that we all use and share. But also clouding the good memories of my dad are this image of a shell of him, wasted away and well, dead.
It’s a hard decision, but I wish I hadn’t gone on that day when we knew it was the end.

Thanks all.
Reading some of your experiences & accounts has been a lot of help, so I thank each & every one of you. Gnusmas, thank you mate.

Coroner has asked for a Post Mortem on Dad. Hoping it doesn’t delay things too much. We spent an emotional hour at his house yesterday, luckily he’d already marked up & left his Will, Life Policy etc, exactly where he said they’d be.

To compound things we took Mum to see her Specialist today. They can’t operate on her bowel cancer because of her heart failure. Don’t know how long she’s got. If it’s the cancer he thinks a year to eighteen months. But my Wife, as a Community Nurse, spends her days treating palliative patients & sat me down tonight to tell me she thinks she’s not got long.

I fear the worst. Getting my two Sisters through losing them both so close together is going to be hard.

Sympathies to all on this one, lost both parents in quick succession, found the whole thing quite an unusual experience, literally like having the rug pulled from under you and a level of “security” disappearing that is hard to explain.

As others have said grieve, cry get upset, talk to those close to you and remember all the good stuff. Welling up writing that….

Lost my Mum yesterday morning. Died at home as she’s hoped for rather than hospital. Cancer really is a **** isn’t it and the lack of healthcare available is terribly sad. My brother had to nurse her to the bitter end with only a twice daily visit by a District Nurse for support. While losing my Mum has obviously been awful, I feel like I have reconnected with my brother during the past couple of weeks and it appears he’s awesome.